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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 04-17-2018, 11:50 AM
cheetodorito cheetodorito is offline
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Default 7 years of support and now he has ghosted - a love story

Wanted to share my story with those that come here lurking and possibly wondering if their SO is a scammer, user or flat out liar. I'm not asking for support or advice; I have moved past him and the whole scam and have moved on with my life. But for anyone thinking about uprooting or changing their lives for someone, please read on.

The scammer (how I now refer to him) went to the HWH back in March. I didn't hear from him for a while and bugged out (thinking he didn't want to talk to me, etc.) as he waited to get his cell phone setup, etc. Eventually I did hear from him and the requests for money and support immediately started. I had committed while he was still in prison to helping him get on his feet, you know, since I thought we were going to be together and all that jazz. Unfortunately, back in January, my financial situation changed after I had to buy myself a car after unexpectedly having mine totaled. I explained that to him and I thought everything was kosher. Boy was I wrong. So I did what I could by buying him clothes and giving him some cash to live on until he could get a job and get on his feet. All totaled, probably around $500. That was on top of the god knows how much while he was actually in prison for all those years.

One day while sitting at home, I got a random call from some car dealership (he was on the phone) saying they had been told I was going to put down money for a car for the scammer. I said whoa, how much, and more importantly, why the hell are you calling me FROM THE DEALERSHIP?? We didn't discuss ANY of that. Long story short, they wanted $2,000 down and he later found out the BOP wouldn't approve him taking out a loan anyway. So he asked me to send him $2,000 OR give MY OWN CAR to him since I own it outright. Now, given that I'm not stupid or desperate, I said no f-ing way am I doing either of those. I said look, if you want to have a reasonable conversation about this, I will, but I will not be threatened or bullied into buying anything for anyone. Much less giving my own bought-and-paid-for car to anyone. Get outta here with that shit.

I asked him a couple of days later if he wanted me to come see him and his response (and I can't make this up) was, "Only if you're bringing $2,000 with you." I said nope, bye. I haven't heard from him since. Before I blocked him from my phone, the things he said to me were absolutely appalling. I got called every name in the book, every issue we ever had while he was in prison got thrown in my face (and there were many) even though we supposedly had a clean slate and he said, "Thank god I don't have to deal with you anymore. You are a slob and I hate you." Ok, buh-bye scammer.

When he first got out, I was really hoping we did have that clean slate. I loved him. He saw me through some extremely dark times and vice versa. I thought he was "the one". I was ready to uproot my entire life and move to the area where he is (which is his hometown). I was looking for jobs and everything there. All for someone that sold me a bill of goods that he never had any intention on delivering....unless the money train continued. It hurt like hell at first, but now I realize I'm better off without him. Hopefully he'll find someone up to his "standard".

Moral of the story....if you think something is off, it probably is. If you're doling out money hand over fist and putting yourself in a bind, stop. While he was in prison, I can't count the number of times I sacrificed myself for him and had people tell me "cut the money off and see what happens." I did and he ghosted. I felt stupid for believing his bullshit, but you know what, it was all my choice to do so in the end and I did so believing what I chose to see through what I call the "love filter". It blinds the hell out of you and numbs those spidey senses that tell you something is wrong.

Take care and bless you all and your relationships. Just keep your eyes open while you do you.
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Old 04-17-2018, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by cheetodorito View Post
Moral of the story....if you think something is off, it probably is. If you're doling out money hand over fist and putting yourself in a bind, stop. While he was in prison, I can't count the number of times I sacrificed myself for him and had people tell me "cut the money off and see what happens." I did and he ghosted.
^^^This is the best distillation of advice I've read in a while.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but it seems like you've gained clarity and are moving forward by leaving this in the past. Good on ya and thank you for sharing.
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Old 04-17-2018, 12:16 PM
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Hi I am sorry to hear this happened to you and thank you for sharing your cautionary tale on here. Its sad that users like him do exist and well done you for not giving into to his demands.
Good luck in moving on and finding happiness well away from him. Karma will deal with him.
If in doubt stop the money that is frequent advice on here and it works and i am glad it did for you.
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Old 04-17-2018, 12:25 PM
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I really appreciate you telling us your story Ė as sad as it is. But you are saying all the right things and giving good advice while doing so. Thank you & I truly wish you all the best ❤️
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Old 04-17-2018, 02:03 PM
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One day, he’ll get what’s coming to him. I don’t wish it on him, but I do know a thing or two about the ways of the world and karma and how it will eventually catch up to him. I was not perfect while he was inside, but I never claimed to be either. I didn’t make excuses, I asked for his forgiveness and was supposedly granted it by him. Forgiveness should not be conditional; you either give it and move on or you don’t. And you definitely shouldn’t throw it in someone’s face when it’s convenient to bash them with it.

What makes him so stupid is that I would have given him everything I had (heart, time, support) if he had shown me one ounce of respect. He got it in his head that I was going to buy him a car and support him until he was good to go on his own. That isn’t love, it’s using someone. When I couldn’t and wouldn’t deliver, he tossed me aside like yesterday’s news.

As a personal aside, he is a recovering addict. He has been clean for almost 9 years now. But someone told me one time (a drug dealer no less) that addicts, current or former alike, are cut from the same cloth. They use people, and if they are clean, they trade one addiction for another. It’s the addict personality. I didn’t believe him at first...until now. It rings true in my situation, but may not apply to every addict. His addiction is using those for what he can get out of them and moving along.

Now I know and now I’m free.
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Old 04-17-2018, 02:28 PM
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Just be happy this man is no longer your problem. Move on and enjoy life and find someone who will love you and make you feel loved.
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Old 04-17-2018, 02:56 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story, as sad as it is, it's one that needed to be shared! Good luck to you in all that life holds for you!
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Old 04-17-2018, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
Just be happy this man is no longer your problem. Move on and enjoy life and find someone who will love you and make you feel loved.
Ironically, thatís one thing I learned from this whole thing - I am happiest alone doing things for myself, by myself and with/for my dog. I would much rather take my dog to Petco and buy him a new toy than anything else. I will never bend myself around someone else to ensure their happiness.

Even though I have moved past the hurt, the lessons are still there. He was in my life the last 7 years to teach me the ultimate lesson that the one person that will always be there for you is you. Your happiness is dependent on you and you alone and no one can take that away from you unless you let them. I will be FAR more careful about the company I keep in the future and will not ignore signs when they present. They are ours to ignore or action.
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Old 04-17-2018, 04:48 PM
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It's great that you are done with him. There are some scammers who make their victims lives miserable, and bankrupt them too, after they are released from prison.
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Old 04-17-2018, 05:00 PM
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It's great that you are done with him. There are some scammers who make their victims lives miserable, and bankrupt them too, after they are released from prison.
Itís unfortunate. People in prison like him (not everyone, just those like him) have honed their skill set of guilt, manipulation and fantasy all wrapped up into a nice tidy package. They prey on those that are kind-hearted and gentle and want to believe the same about their mate.

Mine is a cautionary tale to anyone self-doubting their internal sensors going off. Before you get sucked in any deeper, step back and take an honest look at whatís going on, minus all the sweet talk and I love youís. I love you is one of those phrases that is criminally easy to speak. It takes no effort to say, but a huge toll on the receiver. We want to be loved and to love in return innately, but sometimes to our own detriment when we ignore obvious warning signs.

I donít regret my time with him and I honestly wish him the best. My guess is heíll find someone else that will give him whatever heís after. Heís one of these guys that is genuinely drop dead gorgeous (no lie, he really is) and has that dark, brooding bad boy thing going on. Thatís part of his appeal. Itís very easy to get sucked in, as Iím sure is the case with many inmates and others in general.
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