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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #26  
Old 11-02-2018, 04:06 PM
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Alone-ness is his choice....if he hasn't/can't learn how to treat people well, how to fight his addiction, then his choice is temporary people who will use him just as he uses them. That's a fair exchange, and it's the bargain he prefers.

He doesn't really want you to need things/feelings from him, because that's not transactional. He needs the straight give/take, not feelings. So he will find people who are on the same wavelength....won't be alone long.

And I totally agree about not talking to his friend and not looking at the blocked calls. Let go. Really let go!
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  #27  
Old 11-03-2018, 04:07 AM
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Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
He needs the straight give/take, not feelings. So he will find people who are on the same wavelength....won't be alone long.

And I totally agree about not talking to his friend and not looking at the blocked calls. Let go. Really let go!
This reminded me of my ex from another lifetime....a violent type who told me he was going to commit suicide when I broke up with him. You know what happened? I think he was with a new girl within couple of weeks! The type of men who feed on others kindness and use & abuse them...it is stunning but they always find new prey in a blink of an eye.

I, too, would cut all contact if I were you, OP - just leave it all behind. What's that saying? Don't look back - you're not going that way.
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  #28  
Old 11-07-2018, 07:42 AM
MrsStoddard MrsStoddard is offline
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I admire your courage. I am going through this same thing but keep waffling. To make matters even harder for us, we had a baby boy that died in his sleep a month ago when he was 2 months old. I feel horrible in abandoning him, and am easily charmed back into our old habits, but our entire relationship has been devastating climaxing with the death of my precious baby. Rather than draw closer to him, I am pushing him away, seeing this as an opportunity to cut all ties. But itís sad because no one else has ever helped him out and I promised him I would stay with him through this one case he caught right when we were first dating.

Itís so hard. And really, I think only other partners in our situation can understand how hard it is. I want nothing more than for him to get out and be healthy and succeed...but I donít have faith in him anymore. Too many horrible things have happened between us.

So good luck! Keep standing strong. And I will follow your posts on this thread.
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  #29  
Old 11-07-2018, 08:18 AM
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Oh Mrs Stoddard......I am so so sorry. Heartbreaking to lose a child, and that is such a tragedy to try and navigate an already rocky relationship.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 11-07-2018, 11:43 AM
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I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the worst thing that ever happens in life.
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  #31  
Old 11-19-2018, 10:04 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohaithrashley View Post
I don't wanna say you made my day, because I'm so up and down right now that it's more like half hour to half hour. But you made my half hour! Of course my friends and family will tell me not to feel guilty--that I deserve better and I need to start practicing self preservation, etc etc. But that does not change the fact that I love this man. That does not change the fact that I am afraid I hurt him. And it certainly does not change the fact that I feel guilty even though they tell me not to take on that guilt. They're my friends/family, of course they're biased. I need to know it is okay that I blocked him. That I cut him off. That I told him I can't do this anymore. EVEN THOUGH HE IS INCARCERATED. Especially since he is incarcerated. That is the worst. Thinking I left him at his most vulnerable time.


Basically, am I a coward for doing this?
Am I trash?
Honest opinions, please. I don't want to just be pacified. I want to know if I am doing the right thing.

Youíve never had the strength to leave before but finally you do , itís for a reason . . You have to put yourself first . Sometimes loving someone from a distance is whatís best .
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  #32  
Old 12-04-2018, 11:59 AM
S.Barnett S.Barnett is offline
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Look, I'M a recovered heroin addict myself,i can tell you this much and know for a fact i am right. Stay away from him, prison 3 times when you only been with him for 3 years?. Ha ha HE'S a stone cold loser, a user in more ways than one to. He is the coward and s cry baby to. Hes got his ass in a sling in there by notonly using yes, you know it, and I do to. He's got himself in debt to the wrong people and is expecting you to get him out. Don't do it, don't allow your life to be a non stop rollercoaster of using and peroids of sobriety until youve used up all your good years,your good DECADES. It happens, that before you know it you have spent all your good years using and saying "oh i still got some time before i have to stop". I know everything you think and say to yourself as a drug addict. Just leave him to his ruin his life only. You go live yours sober.
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  #33  
Old 12-06-2018, 10:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohaithrashley View Post
Right now it feels like it has been a long time in the making, but I have been scared, unwilling, and afraid to do it--until last night.

My man & I were together 3 years.

We've been homeless. We've hurt each other in every single way possible. He's gone to prison 3 times in the last two years and each time I have supported him and rebuilt here on the outside. This time is different. He acts different--or maybe it's me. But I've put a total of 371.70 on his books/Western Unions/etc THIS MONTH. And it is not enough for him. We fight constantly


Help?

First?
Him saying, "If you truly love me you wouldn't give up so fast/and or like this. SMH at that. It's pure G.T.(a guilt-trip) and i think it's so wrong.You sent him this month or when you're sharing your story months ago almost FOUR hundred in one month is ALOT.too much some think(unless you have lots of spare dough, and or rich and or live upper-middle class, ya know.)I think you're wonderful to him, and he doesn't appreciate you and he also cheated on you multiple times? #SMH.
-

Second:


hugs for you and sincere blessings that you're trying to for the first time put yourself first chica. hola...
He should be grateful with 20 bucks a week= 80.00 per month. that is almost $100.00 and that is trust me, MORE than enough, as my brother who did time used to tell us, his familia.

Heck he said, even fifty per month, until they get somewhat greedy he say.
-

Sound like he is being selfish. You're sure not a coward, chica, and i commend on this time, walkin' away. If it is mean to be it'll be,however, i think you realize someplace "deep within, that you're deserving so much better." You're going to have to not look back, in order to really see what he has done to you and how you're able to now improve yourself, your pockets $$$ tu vida(your life)and better it day in, day out without the constant disrespect greedy and such dis-loyalty from this man.
-

If you're wanting to talk anytime pm me, and or more support and know that again, you're doing what is now BEST for you, and trust m me chica
that is such a good thing so don't stop.


-I wish you all the best, and keep focusing on you, and not just what he "want you to do for him."By you walkin' away last night maybe that is God way of showing you, that you are better off, until he learn to truly appreciate and value you,and think about someone else, for a chance, and not just "what you can send him.God bless you... adios.
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Last edited by a.rare.love; 12-06-2018 at 10:35 PM..
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  #34  
Old 12-06-2018, 11:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gardis.Girl13 View Post
I've been reading through this and something that caught my attention is that you have mentioned twice now that he has his best friend that is giving you updates. Honestly that right there shows that your ex is not alone. He has someone to talk to that isn't you. Not to sound harsh because it's not my intention, but what do you provide your ex that the best friend can't? And keep reminding yourself that most parents don't cut ties with their kids for no good reason. Honestly I'd stick with the advice given here and remind yourself that you are a good person that has accomplished great things and your absolutely deserve a partner that is on your level. Your ex is not on your level. Personally, I'd stop talking to his best friend too. You don't need the temptation to ask how your ex is doing and his best friend doesn't need to help with your ex's guilt trips. Walk away from ALL of it.
I was thinking the same thing. He will use the best friend to get to you. I would block the friend as well. If you don't block him, he will just keep trying to suck you back in and eventually during a weak moment you will cave. It is obvious you care about him, but honey, you need to put yourself #1. And, there is no reason to feel guilty about putting yourself first for a change.

There are great guys out there. Guys who won't make you feel like crap. Guys who won't tell you that it is your job to support them. Guys you don't need to be co-dependent on.

As parents, we all love our children. There is no love like it. But even his father is telling you he is toxic. I can only imagine how hard it is on the father to cut him off. They must know that's the only way they can give him some sort of help.

Some ways to get your mind off of him, just get out of your house, make yourself busy, go to movies, try a new sport. Anything that just keeps your mind off of him.

Good luck!!
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