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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 01-24-2007, 06:38 PM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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Unhappy The Big Scam!

Well ... I've been a lurker for more than a year, I tried to get into the mix of posting a few months ago ... and now, I find myself posting this as a "public service announcement" - although, it's my own personal hell, humiliation, and stupidity - I am trying to make sense of it and I MUST believe that "something" halfway good can come of my ordeal - so, if I can help "save" just one other good hearted woman such as myself by sharing my story - then, maybe I'll feel better - rather than like a pitiful fool.

In a nutshell - I started to write to my "man" (I use that term loosely now) a year ago - things were great, he was handsome, funny, interesting, same age as me, we had a lot in common and had lived in several of the same parts of the Country. He didn't ask me for anything (at first) and insisted he only wanted/needed my "friendship" ... which was also all I was willing to offer anyhow.

Well, after several months of writing and calling every day, he began to profess his unyielding "love" for me and wanted to get married in the future - I kept my guard WAY up, but in the meantime, I flew across the Country to visit him, fought all of my friends and family over this budding relationship of mine, eventually a year later - (just a few months ago) - I quit my well-paying job, and made plans to move my entire life, career, etc ... cross Country in order to be near him. I also researched having my eggs frozen so that we could try to have a child in the future!

BINGO! Now he "knew" he had me right where he wanted me. That's when the demands for money came, hundreds of dollars a month - he even wanted a "monthly allowance" - and if I didn't send it - he "threatened" to call other females to get what he wanted. (money). He also lied a lot about "why" he "needed" the money - among all the lies about everything else under the sun!

So, long story short (I could write a book!) - I looked into his "history" a little deeper and learned through Public Records - that he once had a "pen-pal" for nearly 9 years - she held him down and sent him money, etc ... then when he was released (that time) he bilked this woman out of close to $80,000 (used some of the money to take other women on tropical vacations!!!!) - he used her, and kept up his manipulative game for 9 freakin' YEARS!!! (and treated her like dirt I might add!)

Well -- Amen to girlfriend ... because she got her Justice - it was thanks to "her" that he got sent BACK to the pen for a 15 year bid now! (he's got about 10 years left if he gets any good time off).

As hard as it is to admit - I see clearly now that this "career criminal casanova" was baiting me as his next "sucker" - and he had ALL the time in the world to slow play me! Luckily for me, it was a cheap lesson to learn (financially anyhow) - maybe about $1,500 over a year. I'm a bit more free with my heart than my wallet - although, I wish it were the other way around! Money is easier to replace or recover from!

It's not even about "money" though - I gave him things money can't buy - my love, understanding, time, attention, support, forgiveness, friendship, commitment, fidelity, loyalty, - I was a REAL WOMAN to this "man" - but, for him, it was only a game of domination, control, possession, and ownership of having a "female" as an object to toy with and manipulate.

Considering he's been in prison his entire life (aside from maybe 3 of the past 22 years!!!) He's had TONS of practice with doing this to women ... and he's a good looking guy with that sweet "little boy" in a "bad boys" body kind of charm - he knows it and uses it to his best advantage!

Well, I am glad to have learned now - rather than later. Also, I am sure that not "all" inmates are bad or out for the hustle -- but I also don't think that out of 2 million of them in the United States - that "I" hit the jackpot by picking out the "only" bad seed in the bunch either!

I know he's already "recruiting" more girls for his "fan club" - but I hope that if somebody sees my story and suspects something "strange" going on in their relationship - please feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to compare notes - I am not crazy or evil and I don't want to cause anybody harm ... I would be happy to send the public record information that I have on this man to verify my facts. (along with other information that I'd rather not post in public)

I TRULY fell in love with this guy - I've been unemployed now for 2 months - partly because I've been too shell-shocked, upset, depressed and hurt to even bother looking for another job yet - it's been a life altering, almost devestating experience ... I hope and pray that he doesn't get his hooks into any more unsuspecting victims. Also, come to learn - he strongly exhibits 7 of the 8 classic sociopathic traits. Scary - it makes me wonder what is wrong with "me" to have been so "taken"? Well, I don't think I'm "alone" in this whole thing ... so, if anybody wants to chat ... get in touch. Isn't this site supposed to be about "support" - in good times and bad? I hope so. Thanks.
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Old 01-24-2007, 06:54 PM
phoenixrising phoenixrising is offline
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Default Been there, done that, have the entire wardrobe

This sounds very nearly identical to my story..............

I am truly sorry this happened to you. It does get better. Just takes time. LOTS & LOTS of time.

Will be 2 yrs this June 11th for me that XXX just walked out on me & abandoned me after I did EVERYTHING & then some for him for over 3 yrs! I too ended up unemployed, evicted, shunned & then some. Nearly lost my livelihood for good. I don't even like to rehash how it all went done b/c that is just dwelling in too much doo-doo for me. Was a very rough stage in my life. But I survived it. And you will too! I know it. You just gotta believe it, feel it & be it!

It has been a long hard road back from me.....and I am still trekking along. Life is a journey & everything & I do mean EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

I wish you much strength, joy, love, happiness, blessings & success. I am here if you want or need to chat. Take good care of yourself & be well.

~*Phoenix*~
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Old 01-24-2007, 06:58 PM
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Hey Gurl,

I am sorry that you were put through the ringer by this guy. This is everybody's biggest fear and you were truly hurt by this guy.... who loved only one person....HIMSELF.

He didn't deserve your love and I hope you are doing okay.
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Old 01-24-2007, 07:20 PM
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keeping you in my prayers...keep your head up,you will be just fine....give yourself time to heal....{{{HUGS}}}
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Old 01-24-2007, 07:43 PM
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I can understand and relate on some levels of your story. My ex took me for a ride then dumped me when he got released to be with some whore who care less about him. He got what he wanted then moved on sounds very familiar to me unfortunately

Wendy
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Old 01-24-2007, 09:42 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear this as I too can relate to some parts of it although my story is a little different I do feel I was played and used by my only love (of 16 years) as he left for the first chick that came along not to long after getting released
(((HUGS)))
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Old 01-25-2007, 07:06 AM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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Thank you everybody for the warm wishes. I *knew* I wasn't alone here! But, you know .... I am going to stop feeling like I was "scammed" - I just fell in love with the wrong man ... the wrong kind of man! He talks a good talk - and maybe I needed that at the time ... who knows ... but after learning about his history (come to find out, this other woman was married and they had to file bankruptcy because of her ordeal with this inmate) ... is when the "real" red flags started to wave .... the few that popped up at the start - I decided to overlook because I'd read "advice" in various places like "the scammers won't stick around if you don't send them money" - well, he stuck around for a year before money became an issue - and then I learned he was getting money from other girls still, his cellie still runs an ad and supplies him "fresh pen-pals".

Well, I could write all day about red flags and why I chose to let them slide ... but mainly I kept thinking "Well, he's in PRISON poor thing!" .... but, prison is not a license to take advantage of people or to lie, cheat and steal - that's why he's there to begin with! Doing NOTHING to better himself or his situation, he lifts weights, plays tennis, hangs out, watches tv and does nothing all day ... so, why should I take pity on him? I don't have the answer to that - because I DID take pity on him .... and now I am just angry at myself for ALLOWING it to happen to me! I blame "me" for most of it - but I also applaud "me" - because I got OUT before he TOTALLY ruined me - as he has done to others in the past ... and despite my attempted warnings to others ... he will get by doing the same thing to more women in the future. It's just kind of a sad story all the way around - but I'm holding out hope "something" good will come of it for "somebody". ??? Somewhere, somehow????
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:22 AM
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I know exactly how you feel & it sucks! My wounds are still fresh & as in from Monday. I've found that the best way for me to cope is by reading the letter (in my case I received a letter intended for another woman, which was a copycat of letters I've received) whenever I start to feel down. Facing the facts makes me a mad, although I'm more angry w/myself for falling for it, than I am w/him. Anyways...I loved him blindly & now that my eyes have been opened, I realize that love was based on a person that doesn't exist, so in essence it doesn't exist. Be thankful we got our wake-up calls so soon, b/c it could have been sooooo much worse! Things do happen for a reason & hopefully you have prevented someone else's heartache. Stay strong & if you need to talk - I'm here!
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:30 AM
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Ladies are there any similar signs or red flags you think you could of seen or could tell other girls to look out for????
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:42 AM
Wobabi Wobabi is offline
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Well I got plenty of big hugs for you,,and I am glad you realize that you fell for the wrong guy,,,Because although out of 2 million men ,,dude is not the Only one,,,He is still a small minority,,,so how do we find ourselves feeling sorry for these habitual playboys?
I just got to get the 7 signs of a playboy socio path,,because I dont know them,,and when did you start to see them?
Also it might sound shallow but in reality our Vision send signs to the Brain that controls the Heart,,,So my question is ,,Was he one of those Hunky Dudes with a Body to die for? Smooth talker and tanned? you said you ignored the signs so He is just being who he is and how he knows how to survive,,,,He is slime for sure regardless of what he looks like.
These oily bodied,,poem writing inmate pen pals are just too much! We gotta stop playing *captin save a hoe* with them thats for sure!
Keep your head up,,,there is a perfect man out there for you,,,when one door closes another one opens!
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Old 01-25-2007, 11:16 AM
phoenixrising phoenixrising is offline
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Amen to that Wobabi.....amen to that. There are good men out there & we all deserve to find one for ourselves. Our time will come ladies! Rest assured of that!

Since I have been away from XXX, my life has improved 300%!!!! That ain't no joke either. I even had a psychic tell me XXX was my bad luck charm. How right she was.

BTW, what are the signs of a sociopath? Could you post em pls? Thanks.

Stay strong & keep your head up Ladies!

~*Phoenix*~
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Old 01-25-2007, 02:30 PM
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I too am so sorry you had to go through this, lots of hugs to you. You do have to take this as lessons learned, it can happen to anyone. Thank goodness it didn't take you 9yrs to realize what he was really about.
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Old 01-25-2007, 02:39 PM
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Wow, Thanks for sharing. Hopefully many will benefit from your story. I wish you well.
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Old 01-25-2007, 03:11 PM
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i never asked my pen pal for money and now that i am out we are still freinds what 8 years now? when they ask for money time to go to much hustle in prison to need money from the outside dont become the new hustle i am so sorry for you
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Old 01-25-2007, 03:50 PM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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Hello again everyone ... thank you again for the support ... it's actually helping! To answer your questions Babi ... I read "The Sociopath Next Door" and learned a few interesting things. When did I start to see the "signs"? I'd like to say only a few months ago - but, in truth - it was probably more like 8 months ago - I kept hoping I was wrong. Was he a smooth talking, hunky, oily, poem writer? Nope. His ad - he just had a face shot with a button down shirt on - he didn't write (me) poetry ... turns out - 6 months into it I got the "hunky shirt off" pictures. I feel for his sense of humor and the fact that we had so many common interests made me feel like I "knew him" a lifetime ... although, those were probably all lies.

You are right, he is only being who and what he really is. I made the mistake of thinking that I was "too smart", "too old", "too wise", "too street smart", "too clever", and "better than the average bear" - and thought it couldn't happen to me. I've served in the Army, I'm a college graduate, and I've lived in 14 major Cities, I'm successful, I'm beautiful, I'm modest (hahaha) ... but BAM! I'm just left sitting here wondering "WHO did I piss off in life to have deserved THIS to come back at me?". Shaking the self-loathing is the hardest part.

My breaking point was when he didn't call me on Christmas Day - he had used his remaining minutes to call other girls to ask for money. (and lied about it). Also, the Christmas card he sent to me was just a small, impersonal one - and all it basically said was "send me $100". Romantic - huh? Nope -- I didn't get any "poetry" my friend! LOL!
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Old 01-25-2007, 04:20 PM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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oh, here ... somebody asked.

From 'The Sociopath Next Door' (pg. 6)

"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV" of the American Psychiatric Assoc. states that a clinical diagnosis of "antisocial personality disorder" (sociopathy) should be considered when an individual possesses at least three of the following characteristics:

1. Failure to confrom to social norms (ie: committing crimes)
2. Deceitfulness, manipulativeness
3. Impulsivity, failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability, aggressiveness
5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility
7. Lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person.

"The presence in an individual of any three of these 'symptoms', taken together, is enough to make many psychiatrists suspect the disorder".

Also, it goes into detail about how a sociopath's greatest desire, above ALL else - is for people to feel sorry for them. When you "pity" somebody, it nearly makes you defenseless.

*I* personally don't want to live my life going around worrying about people among me are "sociopaths" -- what a terrible way to live! That's just not *me* ... but, after this ordeal - I can't stop questioning "what is wrong with me, how did I get so wrapped up with this guy, how do I make sure it never happens again, etc... ???" all kinds of bad thoughts about myself. I am starting to WISH that all I lost was "money". I would have rather lost $100,000 than to have to feel the way I feel "now".
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Old 01-25-2007, 05:02 PM
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I can totally identify with the self loathing thing. When my marriage ended I just felt so stupid for not having seen a thing for the 5 months that my husband was cheating, lying and falling in love with another woman. I too thought that I was just too smart not to notice if something like that was happening. And I too felt like no matter what evil deeds I had done in the past, I did nothing to deserve the pain that was thrown my way. You're probably hearing a lot of the same stupid cliches that I did with my favorite being 'what goes around comes around.' My answer to that has always been 'when?' and 'if I'm not around to see it what comfort is that?' I'm sorry this has happened to you but loving your attitude. Stay strong and I'm here as proof that it does get better.
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Old 01-25-2007, 08:15 PM
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I am laughing with You!
Its going to be OK,,He is not the last hunk on Earth.
But you cleared up a lot,,,I am getting that book for sure! We are never too old to have hope in true love and romance,,,Its always going to be a toss of the dice,, but Hey I will go to Vegas till I am 80
I dont remember which star said this,,I want to say Elizabeth Taylor,,"I am going to do it (get married) till I get it Right!"
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Old 01-25-2007, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GaryPrattsGirl
1. Failure to confrom to social norms (ie: committing crimes)
2. Deceitfulness, manipulativeness
3. Impulsivity, failure to plan ahead
4. Irritability, aggressiveness
5. Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others
6. Consistent irresponsibility
7. Lack of remorse after having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another person.
a sociopath's greatest desire, above ALL else - is for people to feel sorry for them. When you "pity" somebody, it nearly makes you defenseless.
.
WHOA! This is a Deep check list right there,,,Babi is looking over her shoulder as we speak!
We need this stuff and we need to put it to use and not tsk tsk this tool as an ounce of prevention,,but it takes time to see these things,,,Based on your time frames for letting the old ticker take a stroll down lovers lane,,you might want to extend that,,mine keep getting longer with each relationship,,i find my self keeping my guards up a lot longer,,and I mean YEARS *Sigh* Its still going to be Ok,,keep your head up and know that You are still the prize that has yet to be won!
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:39 PM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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Well, I "thought" my guard was on "high alert" - even though I realize that a year isn't very long ... but, I've already been through a couple of broken engagements over the years (sort of had the runaway bride syndrome) - and I've spent the past 7 years on "me" - no serious relationships (on purpose) and having flings with much younger men (like boys in their early 20's when I was 30 - 33). EEK! So, I thought I was "ready" for something real and meaningful ... and I guess I thought I was going to do something "heroic" in the name of "love" to somehow "save" this man or be the "one" who ever loved or cared about him -- man, now I just feel like a psycho myself - or horribly damaged somehow.

Well, he saw this in me as my fatal flaw ... and also, the more I learn about the other woman who's life he RUINED ... she had been on medication and hospitalized for depression most of her life, and was also suicidal ... what kind of sinister "man" takes advantage of a woman like that??? Like, pick on somebody your own size or something! What if he had pushed her over the edge or something? At first I thought she was somehow to "blame" (the same way I feel that I'm to blame) ... but, THIS man is a predator ... I'm learning so much about my own weaknesses ... it's a humbling experience to say the least. But, thank you all again for the words of support and encouragement. I need it! (especially the more this all sinks in!) I used to be the type "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!" ... but NOW I'm reduced to "I'm pathetic, I must have my own flavor of mental illness that I wasn't even aware of to have let this happen to me".

Anyone see Dr. Phil today? Oh brother! - (about women loving inmates and why). No more Phil for me. grrrr. I think I'll go to DisneyLand tomorrow. Happiest place on earth, right?
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Old 01-25-2007, 09:48 PM
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i am so sorry to hear this. i really know that we all go through things of this sort. i never did with a man who was in, but outside, i wish i hadn't been so "gullible" or heartwarmed to others. You will grow from this, promise
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Old 01-25-2007, 10:20 PM
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Wonder what it means if person has just about all 7 characteristics? Having read the list several times, I see XXX in each one. Scary, huh??? Especially part about wanting people to feel sorry for him yet never being able to admit to that. Guess that is all part of the CON as well.

What did Dr. Phil have to say? Wish I had caught that.
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Old 01-26-2007, 07:43 AM
GaryPrattsGirl GaryPrattsGirl is offline
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Well, it's one thing to play for your sympathy - but quite another to insult your intelligence! A few weeks ago (when things REALLY began to unravel for good) ... he asked me for $200 (what kind of "man" asks an unemployed person for $200???) -- anyway, of course I didn't send it ... but, then I got a letter - he was telling me that he "needed" the money to buy toothpaste because the Govt. issue brand doesn't have flouride, and also that he was SO HUNGRY because the food is contaminated and smells like chemicals (like they are trying to poison him), and that he normally eats some tunafish around 2pm - but he's been out of tuna for DAYS (so he's going to starve to death) ... I mean, all kinds of crazy stuff! He even went so far to say that he might not even make it home to me because of how lack of nutrition is taking YEARS off his life!

So, you want to know what my "punishment" was for not sending the money? He's not going to "touch himself" anymore while looking at photos of me!!!

Will I be the first woman in history to be responsbile for a man dying from poor oral hygiene, lack of Tuna, and blue balls? Gosh, I hope not ... maybe I should Fedex a money order with a note "PLEASE BABY! Stop withholding sex .... from yourself!!!!".

In the past - he used money that I sent him to send other girls gifts also! I have a favorite painting called "The Storm" ... I sent him a photo of it, just to share ... well, he had a prison artist paint it and had it sent to some other girl (after asking me for a larger photo of it so that he could 'see it better') ... I think I DESERVE a freakin' idiot award!!!

That was "one thing" ... but, telling me how he's going to 'starve' from not having Tuna was just a step too far in the "insulting my intelligence" department. This from a man with a 7th grade education! Please!
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Old 01-26-2007, 08:39 AM
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No more sex, huh? That's hilarious! (& what is it w/these guys & tuna??? I got a letter yesterday saying he really suffered this last lockdown, b/c his locker wasn't stocked w/tuna & peanut butter...I'm sure that was a hint.)
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Old 01-26-2007, 09:15 AM
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That last post cracked me up. I never got a letter like that. But I did get some doozies. XXX once ordered b-day gift for me from catalog as well as gift for another female. Dumba$$ but em on same order & when I called to see what status was as per his request since it was takin forever, I was asked about other female's items...esp. the baby shoes!!!!! I was like
WTF???? We didn't have any kids. I confronted him bout it asap & got some lame A$$ excuse that at the time I of course bought hook, line & sinker. GEEZ...talk about DUMB!!! But now I look back at it all & realize just how much worse it could have been....I could have ended up legally married to him! YIKES!! Then I would have had to spend even more of my hard earned $$$$ to get rid of him.

I send you much blessings. Pls. know that time truly does heal the wounds......it just takes time & some more time.

Great book BTW is I used to miss him but my aim is improving. It's a riot.

Be well.

~*Phoenix*~
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