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Florida General Prison Talk, Introductions & Chit Chat Topics & Discussions relating to Prison & the Criminal Justice System in Florida that do not fit into any other Florida subforum category. Please feel free to also introduce yourself to other members in the state and talk about whatever topics come to mind that may not have anything to do with prison.

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  #1  
Old 12-10-2012, 08:21 PM
Daisy405 Daisy405 is offline
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My stepson was sent to FL state prison from another state 2 years ago. His first letter was "Send me $65 NOW!" No, hey thanks for being at my hearing and helping out, no - I know I screwed up and I have plenty of time to think about it, but could you possible send me some money." Nope, not this guy, it was send it to me NOW! I was pissed and ignored the letter. The years he sat in county jail refusing to accept responsibility for his crimes, his refusal to accept a plea deal, his refusal to acknowledge that his actions cost lives, the disregard that his dad had suffered two strokes and cancer while his son was awaiting trial was more than I could stand, so yes I just ignored the letter and money demand.

Last week he sent a card. A very nice "How are you doing? Would you please write to me" card. It tugged at my heart and I sent what I could afford thru JPay. Guess what? He wrote a thank you letter and again asked that I write to him. This letter showed he had been working on his education and a level a maturity that I hadn't seen before. I was inspired to learn more about his situation which led me to this website.

I ordered him some paperbacks from Amazon and wrote him another letter. I'll send more money when I get my Christmas bonus, but I don't want him to think that I'll do this every month. Its not in my budget.

But I'm still pissed that he hasn't yet said "I was responsible and I'm sorry I bad the choices I made". Is that too much to expect? I really am torn between feeling sorry that stepson is locked up and wanting to ease the pain and discomfort of that to thinking about the lost lives he is responsible for taking. How do you guys support someone that has caused some much pain and suffering in others? How do I get over this feeling that by helping my stepson I am condoning what he did? It's been almost 10 years and I'm still conflicted.

Somewhat pissed to that my life situation is what it is with his dad's health and me being the care taker. Do any of you ever tell your inmate loved one that you are pissed at them for the bad choices that have landed them in prison? If so, any suggestions? If not, why? Why shouldn't I tell him that my husband was healthy and life was good until his son decided to crank it up and be stupid? Why shouldn't he know that I think the stress of him making living the life he was and doing drugs, selling guns, and being a thug caused his dad many sleepless nights and that after his arrest, the stress of it all contributed to his first stroke. That our financial woes all come back to that time. That I'm pissed at him and the entire situation. Why shouldn't I share this with my stepson who has yet to ask me how his dad is doing? WOW! Guess that was my pity party I've been bottling up inside because I don't talk about him to anyone.

I was going to delete this rant, but I figured you guys deserve me to be honest. I want to move past the pain but I'm struggling and any advise will be appreciated. Please go easy on the "Turn it over to God", because I'm not open to hearing how wonderful God is etc with the heaviness I have in me. No offense to you super cheerful Bible toting good Christian followers out there, but if I promise to respect your Bible toting, scripture quoting ways, please respect my desire not to be smothered with all the Christian platitudes you fine Christian folk love to dish out.

Thanks for having this forum and I truly hope I didn't screw up by being so honest.

Daisy405
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:03 AM
NAN425 NAN425 is offline
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This died in the wool atheist promises that I absolutely will NOT tell you to turn it over to god.

A couple of things to bear in mind in communicating with your stepson:

1) Perhaps it is too much to expect him to be 100% fixed all at once in your first contact? He sounds like he's made a lot of progress in the right direction...maybe what he needs is input from you to get the rest of the way?

2) I'm assuming that he was aware of the early stages of his dad's health problems and connected them to his dad's stress himself. He might not be asking because he feels guilty about that and is afraid of what the answer will be to the question.

3) Understand that inmate mail is read and a copy is kept. Inmates learn in there to be very wary about saying anything in their recorded communications that could come back to bite them - like taking responsibility for their crimes. Discussion of their case is something that they learn to restrict to visitation, which is more private, to protect themselves.

As far as whether you are condoning his crime by being in touch with him...it's possible to love the person without loving the crime. Especially when it's a child (or stepchild in your case). People make mistakes. They can grow and change. The entire concept of "rehabilitation" means that we don't throw people away for good for their crimes, and who better to start that process than their loved ones?

I understand what you mean about being angry at him for the damage he's caused. You're entitled to the pity party. There's that old saying "a man's family does his time with him." (No matter what certain DOC classification officers say to my husband about it being his time to do, not mine. )

My husband's arrest and subsequent prison time has absolutely destroyed our family's lives. Even after he's home, our lives will never be the same again. We're bankrupt. Since he's a white collar worker, his future work prospects are pretty much down the drain in this competitive market - no one will hire a felon when they have 100 applications of qualified people for every position. I have lupus and no medical insurance. Our 9 year old's health has suffered severely because she also has a condition that is aggravated by stress. On top of all of that, he destroyed the trust in our marriage because all this happened because of an alcohol problem he was hiding from me.

THAT SAID...of course I'm angry about all of this. It's been said, multiple times. He knows it, knows I have the right to it, and has said so often. But holding it over him repeatedly DOES NOT FIX ANYTHING. It just eats me up inside and keeps our relationship from moving forward. Loving him means FORGIVING HIM. Because it is the only way we can have a future. You can't have a relationship of any kind with someone if you are carrying around a huge burden of anger towards them.

I'm not saying you martyr yourself...what I'm saying is, if the person acknowledges that they screwed up, that opens the door for you to forgive them. Walk through it and into a future relationship without carrying the burdens of the past. With your stepson, you may need to spend a little time before he feels comfortable having that talk with you. He's reaching out...that is an important first step. TALK to him. Open the door for him to talk to you in a real way. That's how these things get resolved.
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:25 AM
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i tell my bf that i am pissed cause he's in prison.and i am out here to deal with life alone.but on the same note he is only human.nobody is perfect we have to forgive at some point or it will eat u up inside.
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Old 12-11-2012, 11:51 AM
Daisy405 Daisy405 is offline
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Thank you for your reply. You made sense about the monitored communications. I guess I'm at the place now where we have to move forward to a place of honesty and hope that trust is developed along the way. Again, thanks for your response.
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:02 PM
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Default Your feelings towards stepson

I have to say I appreciate your honesty. I understand why you feel the way you do. I myself know how you feel. My husband is currently going through the same thing with his own family. He has been doing down this path that has led him to prison since he was 15 years old, all the times his mom and stepdad were forking the money out to drug rehab programs and taking him in and giving him money mean while hes just letting them down by stealing, using pills, and running the streets just disappointed them and hurting them while his mother is struggling and battling cancer. His whole family has cut him out of their life and now he has no one except me. I understand how they feel the whole tough love thing, but cutting him out completely as if he doesn't exist isn't the answer. I myself have been apart of his life since we were 15, 16 years old, we were high school sweethearts and i've always seen the good in him and know the person he is capable of being when he isn't on the drugs. He has the kindest heart of anyone i've ever known and I will never give up on him. He is my very best friend. All of the anger you feel towards him, you are entitled to feel how you feel, just express to him how you feel and how his actions have affected you and his dad and you somewhat blame him. This will allow him to open up to you about what is going on with him and what was at those bad times to make him do what he did. He probably had a lot built up and going on, and just not thinking in the moment. Sometimes you just take advantage of the time you have and the people that are there for you, and you aren't thinking how you are going to hurt them when you do what you do. I believe everything happens for a reason, and as an inmate its important for them to know someone is on their side that loves them and is just there to support them. In time as a family you can work through your differences and learn to appreciate one another again.

Hope this helps.

Thank you,

Ashley
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:51 AM
Daisy405 Daisy405 is offline
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Thanks for the honest input. SS has replied to my letter and I sent him some books via Amazon as well as some paper, envelopes, stamps, and photos I printed off family's Facebook albums. I don't think I want to unload on him right now. Perhaps I should share my feelings a little a time so I don't dump on him all at once and make him feel "less than".

Since venting my anger here, I've been able to access the situation and look forward to developing a relationship again. As we go along, I'll share some of my feelings as he shares his. I think we need to build some trust that we are trying to be honest not hurtful when these feelings come to surface. Who knows, maybe the anger will be past tense and I can talk about it more objectively.

Again, thanks for responding.
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Old 12-15-2012, 06:59 AM
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Sheryl P. Sheryl P. is offline
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I am one of the turn it over to God types but I also told my loved one exactly what I felt and he was not at all happy.
Too bad!
I wasn't all that happy when he got re-arrested after his promise to stay clean and not get involved in stupid behavior.
I think that knowing how their behavior affects others is a good thing,even if it makes them angry or hurt or any number of things.
Another thing.Don't give him more than you can give and not feel taken advantage of.He will survive.
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Old 12-16-2012, 09:26 AM
Daisy405 Daisy405 is offline
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Thanks Sheryl. I'm not anti-God, it just people who have no clue about my life give the general "Let God work it out" "God doesn't give us more than we can bear" God answers all prayers", etc. when I need real advice like I've read here.
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