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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 09-20-2012, 05:59 AM
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Smile Smile and pay it forward - Tips for the Outmates

You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:00 AM
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Communication is key to any successful relationship.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:07 AM
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I make sure i keep living my life. I havnt put anything on hold and i've started studying again. I figure the more things I do the more I have to tell him :b.
The busier I am the less this whole situation bothers me, and by that I don't mean I love him anyless or that I've stopped caring. It's just when I'm bust I don't have time to throw a pity party, which i am quite partial to lol. Besides the busier I am the faster time flies.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:10 AM
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We can't judge OUR relationship based on that of any other.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty View Post
Communication is key to any successful relationship.
Patty,this is very true.
Perhaps someone can make t-shirts with PTO "truisums" such as this and nobody can come between you and your man,except you and your man
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:20 AM
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I keep myself as busy as possible and think of what we have as a long distance relationship, yes I have those lonely nights and days when all I want to do is cry but I know this to shall pass and in the end we will have a stronger relationship. I write and email everyday and tell him everything so that he knows he is missed and important. Like Patty said communication is key.

Loyalty over Everything
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:31 AM
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You people inspire me, keep 'em coming....
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:39 AM
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Sharing my experiences about my man and I now that he is home, is a real pleasure for me. I hope in doing so, that it gives courage and hope to those of you ladies who are still patiently waiting for the return of your loved ones. Sharing my experience with others is like an investment in my relationship. It keeps me wanting to continue to nurture and grow in my relationship. That's why so many times I see couples drift apart, they stop feeding and nurturing what they have and like a plant, if you don't water and fertilize it-IT DIES!

My man has been home.for.quite a while now and I'm still here. I want to stay a part of this community to provide some insight as to how life is now that he is home. I hope that what I share helps many of you. But if I can only help ONE person, then I consider it worth my time.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:55 AM
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Quote:
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Sharing my experiences about my man and I now that he is home, is a real pleasure for me. I hope in doing so, that it gives courage and hope to those of you ladies who are still patiently waiting for the return of your loved ones. Sharing my experience with others is like an investment in my relationship. It keeps me wanting to continue to nurture and grow in my relationship. That's why so many times I see couples drift apart, they stop feeding and nurturing what they have and like a plant, if you don't water and fertilize it-IT DIES!

My man has been home.for.quite a while now and I'm still here. I want to stay a part of this community to provide some insight as to how life is now that he is home. I hope that what I share helps many of you. But if I can only help ONE person, then I consider it worth my time.
I'm curious to know what things the once incarcerated loved ones would say helped them and what things drew you both closer.What did they consider of the most "value" in terms of cementing your relationship(s)?
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Old 09-20-2012, 07:48 AM
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I'm curious to know what things the once incarcerated loved ones would say helped them and what things drew you both closer.What did they consider of the most "value" in terms of cementing your relationship(s)?
Making plans and setting goals prior to his release gave him something to look forward to. We had our own business before he went in and had no one to run it while he was in. I just kept letting him know that we were going to pick up where we left off and whatever he needed me to do, if it was in my power, I would do it. He asked me to maintain his contacts and to make sure our truck was started on a regular basis, to keep up all of our licences and things of that nature. I. Wild always keep him informed of new prospects. Also, he was.somehow always included in family. celebrations via telephone and that made him feel still a part of instead of apart from. The main ingredients in our successful relationship are trust, honesty and communication (listening,as well as talking to each other) . Letting each other know.how much we mean to each other and an honest desire for each others happiness. Also, being able to agree to disagree in a civil manner. If we get aggravated with each other( and we do), we say what we have to say, sometimes its unpleasant, and we say to each other that we aren't solving anything and walk away for a little while. We eventually come up with a mutual.agreement. Our mission in our relationship is this - we don't need to do things my way and we don't need t do things his way, what we need to do is learn to do things OUR way. Its challenging, but we are doing it and yet still being able to maintain our individuality. Its a work in progress as it should be. All you need is two willing participants. Hope this helps!
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Old 09-20-2012, 08:16 AM
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Like Geauxin'KraZee said.. we make plans and goals for the future! It keeps me and him with a positive outlook! But guess we got kinda lucky because me and him are both pretty strong people and usually stay pretty positive regardless of the situation. Me and him both have seen and in his case done worse. We pretty much feel as if we can make it through anything! We only get stronger from the struggles we go through!

Hope this helps!
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:19 AM
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I think perspective is very important in this type of relationship. I try not to look at the negative aspects but rather I focus on the positive ones. Certainly there are a lot of things we sacrafice for the ones we love, but we gain quite a bit in return and for me that makes it worthwhile to continue on. My husband and I focus on our communication skills because without it we would be lost. I include him in my every day life so that he is not on the outside looking in but actually a daily participant. It makes us both feel good when we accomplish a family goal as well as our individual goals. Our lives continue to move forward and although we are physically apart we are together mentally and emotionally.

Create balance and ease into a routine that meets both of your needs. Not saying it's easy but it isn't impossible! =)
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:41 AM
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I write lots of letters and so does he. I write mine through out the day. He likes it cuz I write the time of each part, he says it's like a time line of my day. I call these letters our silver lining in this situation. We know what our insecurities are so we reassure each other everyday, this has helped us overcome it. That's all I got right now cuz I'm really new at this and just figuring it out but reading threads like these is a lot of help.
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:50 AM
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LOTS of letters. Every time I'm missing him, I write him. I write him every day, and I make sure to even just write a few lines telling him I love him before I go to bed every night. You can either sit and mope the whole time he's in there or you can make it as positive as possible. Yes, it sucks. But we've gotten a million times better at communicating with each other and we've learned to make every moment together count. We plan for the future and I know he's doing what he needs to do in there to make sure this doesn't happen again.
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Old 09-20-2012, 03:21 PM
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Taking care of me is of the utmost importance. It is not selfish and if you ever thought it was let me just say that if we do not first take care of ourselves we cannot fully attend to the needs of our significant others and the relationships we share. So by all means, take care of yourselves!
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Old 09-20-2012, 04:51 PM
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:32 PM
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Inhishands Inhishands is offline
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These are the things I have found most helpful in this walk...a greatful heart, strong honest communication with him, taking time to take care of me, knowing that at anytime CDC can/will throw a wrench in things so we have to know what is and isn't in our control, don't take things out on him if it's not his stuff AND the other side of that don't let stuff slide just because he is locked up, if it won't fly out here it shouldn't fly in there...last but not least ASSUME NOTHING You will drive yourself completely insane if everytime he doesn't write or call when you think he is going to you assume he doesn't love you, got hurt, or whatever.
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Old 09-20-2012, 05:51 PM
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choclgs choclgs is offline
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You decided to stand by a man who is currently incarcerated. Sometimes life in general gets the best of you and sometimes the rigors of prison life drive him a little bit crazy. Now mind you, I'm not talking about the crazy insecure women, nor am I talking about selfish-minded husbands and boyfriends - these types will NEVER allow themselves pleasure (you're thinkin' it, I'm sayin' it). But you and me - we can take it and we can work with it and we can do the damn thing as long as we have to. We got this, right?

Okay if we can do it then we have an obligation IMO to share with others how infact it is done. Sooooooooo share your tips for dealing with being an outmate....

The second time around is definitely different. We had to adapt to life after the after (postincarceration plans). Before I was in school and balancing work with the visits, letters, "I need you to..." and everything in between. When he went back, I had to find me again. I decided to work on my bucket list and it's been fun. It keeps me peaceful and he enjoys hearing about what I'm doing, though he wishes he were included, physically.

As far as our relationship, after his sentencing, I keep seeing phrases about not wondering what the grass looks like on the other side. Yours can be just as green, if you nurture it. So we've been working hard at nurturing what we've been building. Pruning (cutting out the people who walked away when all ... broke loose), watering (communicating better , using ears just as much as mouths---lots of fighting during the past 2 years), and seeding (preparing based on what did/didn't work when he came home).

Regardless of how long we've known each other, we're still a work in progress and growing together in this moment by moment.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:42 PM
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Talk, talk, talk, and more talk. Every thing that I do, every feeling that I have, every plan that I make, I tell him - no kid gloves just because he's in prison. We respect our differences and try to work around each other's craziness. I know he becomes worried and jealous when I don't answer the phone; he knows I feel insecure when he doesn't say "I love you, honey" just the right way. So we try to avoid those triggers. I count days (4383), he counts blocks of years. So we don't share our countdowns We plan for the future but don't dwell on it. We try as much as possible to just enjoy the love we share now. We relive our first conversation, our first kiss, our first everything as often as possible to keep those precious memories fresh. We laugh together every day. We NEVER hang up on each other. If one of us needs time to calm down, we make a specific time to talk again, but there is no leaving things hanging. We tell each other "I love you, I miss you, and I am so thankful you are in my life" so much that it is actually nauseating. But most of all, talk, talk, and more talk!
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Old 09-20-2012, 09:02 PM
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last but not least ASSUME NOTHING You will drive yourself completely insane if everytime he doesn't write or call when you think he is going to you assume he doesn't love you, got hurt, or whatever.
This is a HUGE one that is worth repeating. There are too many variables that have nothing to do with your relationship or the well being of your loved one to freak out when the phone doesn't ring at the exact moment you expect it to or you miss a mail day. Try to relax or you'll drive yourself crazy.
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:00 PM
Miss_Olivia Miss_Olivia is offline
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We have been patient with each other and have learned to really open up and listen when the other shares their feelings. I think that we really try to give the benefit of the doubt when something is said or happens until it is discussed. It has been a learning experience and what I like about him is that he makes me want to be a better person. I have had some of the happiest moments that I have ever had in my life with him and he is in prison so that says a lot. I feel it was meant to be and is so worth continuing to pursue our very similar dreams together. We do not ever want to hold each other back and encourage each other to get want we want out of this life. I think we are good together and in the scheme of things the time I will have waited will have been nothing compared to the man I will have on the outside. I feel completely blessed.

Last edited by Miss_Olivia; 09-20-2012 at 10:12 PM..
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Old 09-20-2012, 10:34 PM
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I write him daily and put as much on the phones as I can afford. Send him little I love you notes in the mail or his favorite is when I just sat down and traced my hand. Just on a plain notebook piece of paper and said, "When you are lonely and missing me, put your hand in mine." He said it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him.

I also started going back to school to finish up my college degree for a better life for us when he gets home and I am bettering myself in other ways out here, staying sober.
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Old 09-20-2012, 11:46 PM
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I find the more positive and supportive I am when my best friend or MWI is, the better they feel.
The more I enjoy life and do things for myself and still keep them involved, the more they support and feel apart of my every day life.
I've grown accustomed to the fact that communication and honesty are vital. If you aren't honest with them about how you're feeling, it can usually turn into a bigger misunderstanding.
I completely agree with not assuming the worse when they do not call or write, the 1 thing I have learned from my guys is that prison life is an entirely other world and there are many different circumstances that could have taken effect.
Just because they have 'stopped,' living their lives on the outside, doesn't mean we have to as well.
Always put your well being first.
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Old 09-21-2012, 04:58 AM
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LadyBlaise LadyBlaise is offline
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Show them the same love and respect you want them to show you. Sometimes things are out of their control in there just like out here some things are out of our control. I agree communication is so important and living your life is important too. You can't put your life on hold thinking that when they get out that is what will make you happy. You need to be happy with yourself and where your life is headed. Oh and those difficult conversations have to happen sometimes. Make sure you are on the same page with expectations when they get out.....and always look at the reality of what is going to happen. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder then words.
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Old 09-21-2012, 05:07 AM
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Lots of communication between us. Phone calls 3 times a day, letters and pictures and as many visits as I can manage. We support each other during hard times on either end. I went back to school which has helped me a lot, I don't dwell on the "what if's" or the "should haves" I concentrate on the "what will be". He's lost a lot these last 7.5 months, his home, his friends, his finances, his family.

Not to say I'm not going through my own trials and tribulations, but being there for him has made me a different person, it's changed our relationship as he has evolved too. I'm so proud of him, staying out of trouble, working two jobs inside and keeping busy. I am focused on tomorrow and not yesterday. Staying strong for each other saying what is really on our minds, even when it hurts. Talking is so paramount. Support for each other no matter what, and positive mind sets. Thanks Patty for the great post!
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