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  #1  
Old 07-05-2012, 11:51 PM
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Thumbs up Communication is key...

He's a really good man who treats me with the utmost care, love, and respect. Havin' money, bein' broke, the highest highs, the lowest lows, ain't nothing changed that. Prison hasn't changed that. We owe much of our success to communication....

They say the more things change the more things stay the same. We haven't struggled. Don't hate me because we got it like that. Now when I say struggle you have to understand that I do not mean that we haven't faced difficult times but simply that we do not approach those times in a manner with which they could defeat us. Communication is key...

I want to say that it is because we originally met while he was incarcerated that we were forced to put communication at the head of the table and to be certain it leveled the playing field, but mainly because we both excel in this area. The truth is, communicators are a large part of who we are, separately and together, whether he's at home with me or miles and miles away, and for us this has made a huge difference and the reason why I shout loud and proud, "Communication is key to any successful relationship."

So tell us how communication before/during incarceration works for you or share your concerns about improving communication.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:13 AM
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Thanks for the great thread patty. We are mwi as well and boy I thought we were really good at communicating while he was in. Than he came home and the level of communication stopped not completely it just changed. We started arguing a lot. But than we had a good long convo about how we need to talk things through better since we're both the type that can express our feelings and thoughts through letters. So ever since all was said we are now back to the old us

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Old 07-06-2012, 12:14 AM
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First of all, Thank you for this Patty!

Communication before/during incarceration has worked for us because even before he went it and just had a warrant and no arrest had been made, we were always talking about it and tossing out the what ifs and running over hypthetical scenarios. Looking back it's helped me know what to expect, so it didn't come as a shell shock to me when we got to this place. When he was just in Jail he would tell me on the phone and in letters "the next phase is reception when I leave here. we already talked about that. As soon as I get where i'm going I will send you visiting papers that you need to fill out ASAP and send me paper, envelopes, and stamps so we can write because I won't be able to use the phones for a while"

Sure it still hurt to not be able to hear his voice, but till this day he tries to keep me one step ahead of the game. There isn't anything we DO NOT discuss. Communication is all we have. I've shared my deepest darkest secrets as well as my fears, and it has only brought us closer. We refuse to let this situation break that aspect of our relationship down.

Improvements would probably be him writing and calling more, but that means more $ that we both know I don't have. So for now I will say i'm good. Can't complain about what he writes about because he's always been open.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Patty View Post
He's a really good man who treats me with the utmost care, love, and respect. Havin' money, bein' broke, the highest highs, the lowest lows, ain't nothing changed that. Prison hasn't changed that. We owe much of our success to communication....

They say the more things change the more things stay the same. We haven't struggled. Don't hate me because we got it like that. Now when I say struggle you have to understand that I do not mean that we haven't faced difficult times but simply that we do not approach those times in a manner with which they could defeat us. Communication is key...

I want to say that it is because we originally met while he was incarcerated that we were forced to put communication at the head of the table and to be certain it leveled the playing field, but mainly because we both excel in this area. The truth is, communicators are a large part of who we are, separately and together, whether he's at home with me or miles and miles away, and for us this has made a huge difference and the reason why I shout loud and proud, "Communication is key to any successful relationship."

So tell us how communication before/during incarceration works for you or share your concerns about improving communication.
I have noticed that since my communication skills are slowly improving our relationship is improving and running smoothly. I have always has problems communicating which stems from my childhood. As a child everytime i tried to speak up for myself I always got cut off, made to feel like it didn't matter what I said they didn't give shit or all hell would break loose. For this reason I found it very hard in speaking up for myself or just saying what is on my mind period especially if I felt a confortation could arise from doing so. My husband tells me all the time that I could tell him anything and everything and that he would be hurt if I ever hide anything from him especailly my feelings. When we got married I let it all out and I was quick to respond when I was angry. It wasn't what I said but how I said it so now I'm trying to find a in between because I'm either passive or really aggressive. I don't know how to be assertive, that's something I'm still working on. My husband has been sooo patient with me and I am so grateful for that.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:34 AM
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You are well known for one of your ground rules "communication is key to any succesfull relationship" , one my bf and I have live by since day one, just as "trust is set in stone" is also one of them)

I do believe that a lot of issues (whether here on this website or anywhere else for that matter) do not need to be an issue, or can be worked through if people just talk (and listen!) and be open and honest about your feelings, it may suprise you how the other will react if people just speak up when they are troubled or worries whether it has to do with their relationship or things happening at work, school, home ect.

But many times when I read a thread and your comment/advice to communicate and finish with your famous words "communication is the key to any succesful relationship" I nod my head and think "you are so right Patty, it ain't really that hard if people would give that a try"
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:42 AM
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Thanks for the great thread patty. We are mwi as well and boy I thought we were really good at communicating while he was in. Than he came home and the level of communication stopped not completely it just changed. We started arguing a lot. But than we had a good long convo about how we need to talk things through better since we're both the type that can express our feelings and thoughts through letters. So ever since all was said we are now back to the old us

the padilla's
Your post reminds me of what my mama and many other mama's have said, "If it ain't broke don't fix it!" Keep on communicating...
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:44 AM
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When he was just in Jail he would tell me on the phone and in letters "the next phase is reception when I leave here. we already talked about that. As soon as I get where i'm going I will send you visiting papers that you need to fill out ASAP and send me paper, envelopes, and stamps so we can write because I won't be able to use the phones for a while"

Sure it still hurt to not be able to hear his voice, but till this day he tries to keep me one step ahead of the game. There isn't anything we DO NOT discuss. Communication is all we have. I've shared my deepest darkest secrets as well as my fears, and it has only brought us closer. We refuse to let this situation break that aspect of our relationship down.
These are such IMPORTANT components of a healthy relationship when one party is incarcerated. He did right by you and I'm certain that his keeping you in the loop is but one of many reasons you are in a successful relationship! All the best.
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:47 AM
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I have noticed that since my communication skills are slowly improving our relationship is improving and running smoothly. I have always has problems communicating which stems from my childhood. As a child everytime i tried to speak up for myself I always got cut off, made to feel like it didn't matter what I said they didn't give shit or all hell would break loose. For this reason I found it very hard in speaking up for myself or just saying what is on my mind period especially if I felt a confortation could arise from doing so. My husband tells me all the time that I could tell him anything and everything and that he would be hurt if I ever hide anything from him especailly my feelings. When we got married I let it all out and I was quick to respond when I was angry. It wasn't what I said but how I said it so now I'm trying to find a in between because I'm either passive or really aggressive. I don't know how to be assertive, that's something I'm still working on. My husband has been sooo patient with me and I am so grateful for that.
If you weren't given the freedom to speak your mind in the past it is natural that you would stumble here and there but it seems like you are on the right path with your husband and his patience which comes from love will see you through. Keep it up, communication is key!
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Old 07-06-2012, 12:51 AM
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I do believe that a lot of issues (whether here on this website or anywhere else for that matter) do not need to be an issue, or can be worked through if people just talk (and listen!) and be open and honest about your feelings, it may suprise you how the other will react if people just speak up when they are troubled or worries whether it has to do with their relationship or things happening at work, school, home ect.
Girl, you hit the nail on the head! People can't read your mind all the time not even he or she who is the closest person to you. Reacting and responding with words and deeds is the most natural process we go through if we allow ourselves to. Communication can really cut through the worries and fears one has and take a couple to the next level, I know this, I believe this and I'm glad that you do too!
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:38 AM
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Our relationship was very centered on communication before he went to prison...we would spend hours upon hours just talking. We told each other things that no one else on the planet knew about us. But trust is also a part of it. Because if you don't trust what your partner is saying the communication is moot. We had the complication of a language barrier and cultural differences that we are still working through. We definitely have our disagreements and misunderstandings...especially because we are both VERY passionate and emotional people, but we have trust and faith in each other enough to be willing to work on our communication constantly. I have never learned so much from one person. We LOVE talking to each other and learning more about each other.
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:44 AM
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Our relationship was very centered on communication before he went to prison...we would spend hours upon hours just talking. We told each other things that no one else on the planet knew about us. But trust is also a part of it. Because if you don't trust what your partner is saying the communication is moot. We had the complication of a language barrier and cultural differences that we are still working through. We definitely have our disagreements and misunderstandings...especially because we are both VERY passionate and emotional people, but we have trust and faith in each other enough to be willing to work on our communication constantly. I have never learned so much from one person. We LOVE talking to each other and learning more about each other.
In the past I have worked with people in need where at first there was a language barrier. I say at first because as they became used to me and to my staff and understood that we really wanted to know them, they reciprocated. Communication can truly transcend language and cultural barriers but you already know this. Stay happy!
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Old 07-06-2012, 10:11 AM
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Patty this is a great post. Me and my LO, had major communication issues in the beggining. We have learned to tweak our communication styles to help meet each others needs. We have learned a great deal about one another.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:06 AM
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Brandon and I are M.W.I, so our communication is VERY upfront. It's different for us because since we didn't know each other on the outside, we don't just know each other's boundaries. We communicate very openly and honestly. He's actually a very good communicator, which I really didn't expect (To be honest.). He always tells me what he thinks, even if he knows it'll put him in the doghouse, and I always tell him, as well. The only time we ever had a problem was once when he upset me, and for some very stupid reason, I decided not to talk to him about it, and instead, to be extremely rude and passive aggressive. It caused a huge fight between us, and I thought he was going to leave me. As it turns out, even men like to communicate. He was upset that I wasn't just talking to him, that I wouldn't tell him what was wrong, and because of that, it consumed his night. He was enraged (And I honestly can't blame him. I was really crappy to him.) and even more so because he didn't know what it was he had done wrong. So, in short, we talk a lot, and sometimes have to do the elementary school "I" statements when we really just disagree or don't understand each other.
We rarely argue, even less often do we fight, but more than anything, we enjoy each other's company.
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:18 AM
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Patty, as always perfect thread at a perfect time!

B and I just had a discussion about communication and expressed to each other that being so open with our feelings and concerns and hopes and dreams and talking about them in such detail has made his incarceration so much smoother. He knows what I expect of him, I know what he needs from me and together we work through our issues. I don't think in any previous relationship, including with my exhusband, I've ever had such open communication! It really does make situations much easier to deal with and work through.

It seems lately there have been a surge of posts about "What should I do", "How do I tell him ...", and it all boils down to ONE key component ... COMMUNICATION!
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Old 07-06-2012, 11:19 AM
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We are great communicators...sometimes I think that stems from the beginning of our relationship he was in the SHU so all we had were letters, and glass visits. we wrote daily, still do, but we have calls now as well.

We can talk about everything and anything. recently we did a marriage workbook through the mail, it was good But we both kept commenting, we already talk about all of this stuff. We finished the workbook just because we don't quit anything and you can always learn something.

I remember at one point in the book, when we were supposed to be writing back and forth about our feelings, what was the strongest feeling you had today and why?? and honestly the strongest feeling I had was sadness....It made me sad to think that so many people weren't as fortunate as us, and didn't know how or didn't feel they could freely share their feelings with their loved one...

It made me really grateful for what we have together, I'm not saying things don't come up but when they do, we deal with them in a way that works well for us.

I think part of being a strong communicating couple is not only the things you do but the things you don't do, such as over react, assume things, etc.
we can make it through anything with communication.
and it's a given in a relationship where one is incarcerated, miscommunication will arise, it's bound to when you are dealing with letters especially, because it is so easy to misinterpret the tone of things, etc. when that happens you need to just talk it through. I remember on time when he misread something I stated in a letter, I got to our visit and he "blah, blah blah" I just looked at him until he was done, and I said "wow Babe whats that all about?" we were able to talk through the situation and have a great visit.
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:21 PM
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B and I just had a discussion about communication and expressed to each other that being so open with our feelings and concerns and hopes and dreams and talking about them in such detail has made his incarceration so much smoother. He knows what I expect of him, I know what he needs from me and together we work through our issues.

It seems lately there have been a surge of posts about "What should I do", "How do I tell him ...", and it all boils down to ONE key component ... COMMUNICATION!
Nailing down those expectations, needs, deal breakers, etc. is ONLY going to happen if all parties involved are communicating. You're right - COMMUNICATION is vital. Great post, thanks.
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:24 PM
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I think part of being a strong communicating couple is not only the things you do but the things you don't do, such as over react, assume things, etc.
You bring up an excellent point! Part of communicating is finding the best style for the individuals and the couple and putting that all together.
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Old 07-06-2012, 01:42 PM
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I think prison has opened doors to communication, we both are stubborn or were before because we didn't really talk about things, we just acted on what we wanted and that is a no no....we have learned that we "need" to communicate we can't just run or else our relationship would have failed. Luckily over the years we have grown in so many areas and we communicate as much as possible about every single thing, and our relationship has also grown a lot...it's amazing how you can be with someone for so many years and realize that there is still so much to learn and there is always room for improvement, especially since he is the one I want to explore everything with and share this life with..you best believe if communication is key then it keyed into the right doors and I welcome it!

Patty, keep the positive threads coming!
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:32 PM
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Weeeeellllll...me and my husband have had issues with communication prior to incarceration. The blame game simply played a big part in the breakdown of our communication.
Since he has been incarcerated, both of us had to figure out what each of our responsibilities were to the communication gap. Some of the techniques that have helped us tremendously are: Not interrupting each other, reflective listening, open ended questions, and honesty.
Effective communication is essential to ANY relationship and it includes, listening, body language, eye placement and the willingness to have an open mind.
We have grown as a couple as well as individually since we have been communicating more effectively.
Kudos to everyone who has been working on this!
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by bamboo'swife View Post
Weeeeellllll...me and my husband have had issues with communication prior to incarceration. The blame game simply played a big part in the breakdown of our communication.
Since he has been incarcerated, both of us had to figure out what each of our responsibilities were to the communication gap. Some of the techniques that have helped us tremendously are: Not interrupting each other, reflective listening, open ended questions, and honesty.
Effective communication is essential to ANY relationship and it includes, listening, body language, eye placement and the willingness to have an open mind.
We have grown as a couple as well as individually since we have been communicating more effectively.
Kudos to everyone who has been working on this!
I like that you both figured our your communication responsibilities and that you are using the tools that work for you. Keep it up!
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:41 PM
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We have gotten better with communication since he's been in. We tell each other everything, and can talk about everything with a great understanding, without those two along with trust there's nothing.
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Old 07-06-2012, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Patty View Post
I like that you both figured our your communication responsibilities and that you are using the tools that work for you. Keep it up!
Thank you
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Old 07-06-2012, 04:45 PM
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Thank you for a nice thread!
My BF and I are very good at communicating, we talk about everything and don't keep any secrets from each other. We know we can ask and tell each other everything and anything, which also helps us when we're having an argument because we talk it out before it gets made into something big!
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Old 07-06-2012, 04:59 PM
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I have been a horrible communicator all my life until a few years ago when I met my husband who happens to be better at it then most women lol he is wonderful with expressing how he feels. Over 2 yrs later I'm slow to catch up,sometimes he has to drag things out of me(not good,I know) BUT I do believe I and we together have gotten much better at this whole communicating thing. In these situations you have to. So I'd say he's great and I'm a work in progress : ) on a side note....Patty great thread! as usual : ) I've been using the "Communication is key" mantra with my 15 yr old daughter. Hasn't helped YET but I'm trying....and that is a plus!
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Old 07-06-2012, 06:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Patty View Post
He's a really good man who treats me with the utmost care, love, and respect. Havin' money, bein' broke, the highest highs, the lowest lows, ain't nothing changed that. Prison hasn't changed that. We owe much of our success to communication....

They say the more things change the more things stay the same. We haven't struggled. Don't hate me because we got it like that. Now when I say struggle you have to understand that I do not mean that we haven't faced difficult times but simply that we do not approach those times in a manner with which they could defeat us. Communication is key...

I want to say that it is because we originally met while he was incarcerated that we were forced to put communication at the head of the table and to be certain it leveled the playing field, but mainly because we both excel in this area. The truth is, communicators are a large part of who we are, separately and together, whether he's at home with me or miles and miles away, and for us this has made a huge difference and the reason why I shout loud and proud, "Communication is key to any successful relationship."

So tell us how communication before/during incarceration works for you or share your concerns about improving communication.
I have always said that trust and communication are two key components to a healthy relationship.

When my fiance and I started out, we had issues, because I came from a family that always spoke our minds and did not keep things from each other. He on the other hand, did not have any communication skills, but he has come a long ways.

It takes time for someone who has never experienced healthy communication to be safe in opening up and sharing what they really feel. I have always given him the opportunity to see where talking to me about the smallest things can help him to feel safe and, I do not judge him because if his past. He used to try and avoid conversations because he knew that his past was sure to come up, but with time, he has realized that his past is his and nobody elses and it is what he does from this day forward that matters most.

Peace~
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