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Straight Talk The general Ex-Offender discussion forum. If you have done time, this forum is for you.

View Poll Results: How effective is visitation for our beloved inmates?
Extemely effective 966 86.87%
Very effective 109 9.80%
Somewhat effective 29 2.61%
Not effective 8 0.72%
Voters: 1112. You may not vote on this poll

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  #151  
Old 07-29-2010, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Mrs. T View Post
OMG! Is this for real!? I mean are you SERIOUS!??? DUH!!!!!!!

Just think, what if it were you? How would YOU feel?? Of course! Naturaly visitation is important! Geez! Aside from calls & letters what else do we have???? Faith, Hope, and God's Grace & Favor! VISITS!!!!!!!

And there ought to be conjugal ones as well (FL doesn't have them)!

Aren't inmates supposed to be 'rehabilitated'? Their success depends mostly on human-contact and friend & family ties! Visits aren't simply important.......

They are essential!
Hmmm...I wouldn't always agree with you on this.

As a former inmate, and housed for four years at Snake River, which is not convenient to my friends and family in Portland, I was really OK with that - and managed perhaps four visits in four years. I think that actually made my adjustment easier - because I could focus on what was at hand, rather than what wasn't.

I know this isn't true for everyone, but it's true for a whole lot more people than you would think...

Read the following post.

Some Alternate Reflections on Prison Visiting

I'd be interested to hear your comments.
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  #152  
Old 07-29-2010, 09:54 PM
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Yes Sir,

After nearly 18 years in the 'system', we have seen that.

And can even go as far as to say that w/o visits, you may feel less 'guilt'...you may miss the 'hurt' of the seperation after visits....and true, if one's mind cannot grasp the concept of eventual freedom & life on the outside. Your statments make sense. But as Garth Brooks has put it: "I could've missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the Dance."

But may I ask you; What exactly was 'at hand' that you needed to 'focus' on while you were incarcerated? You have to do your time. You must abide by the DOC rules. I don't claim to know everything and truly, you know more than I about being an inmate, but I can assure you that seeing, hearing and being able to actuallly touch parts of the life you once had and parts of life that are awaiting your return are clear goals to focus on...definate motivators for good behavior and keeps the sanity that may otherwise be lost.

Yes sir, I do realize that there are those who don't want visits, but I also know that the good Lord never intended for any of us to be isolated. May possibly be more inmates who'd prefer not to have visits than we 'may think', but still, statistically (and from my 18 years experience) most want, and need the visits.

I'd venture to say..and even bet.. that some of those who 'rather not have visitors' are possibly the ones who need them the most <3

I pray for all in Jesus' name

Thank you sir, for your enlightening comments, sharing of experience and beliefs, your insight is much appreciated.

God bless!

-Mrs. T
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  #153  
Old 07-31-2010, 07:47 AM
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Hmmm...I wouldn't always agree with you on this.

As a former inmate, and housed for four years at Snake River, which is not convenient to my friends and family in Portland, I was really OK with that - and managed perhaps four visits in four years. I think that actually made my adjustment easier - because I could focus on what was at hand, rather than what wasn't.

I know this isn't true for everyone, but it's true for a whole lot more people than you would think...

Read the following post.

Some Alternate Reflections on Prison Visiting

I'd be interested to hear your comments.
I really have to thank you for this post you lifted a lot of weight off of my shoulders. Mine would always say when he gets off of the phone with me he has to face what he has to face and sometimes he just didn't want to deal with certain subjects regarding the outside. He also said he would rather rip up his visitors list than to be disappointed when no one showed up. I respected what he said and for the most part let him lead the conversation on the phone and/or visiting hall. He knows the things we need to discuss and addresses them when he writes. The weight you lifted off my shoulder is of my own guilt with being okay with not being in constant communication with him everyday and visiting every weekend. I need time to handle my business and his and I am taking advantage of the time that he is on the inside because when he gets out it's going to require a lot of energy and adjustments for the two of us.
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  #154  
Old 07-31-2010, 08:11 AM
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Yes Sir,

After nearly 18 years in the 'system', we have seen that.

And can even go as far as to say that w/o visits, you may feel less 'guilt'...you may miss the 'hurt' of the seperation after visits....and true, if one's mind cannot grasp the concept of eventual freedom & life on the outside. Your statments make sense. But as Garth Brooks has put it: "I could've missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the Dance."

But may I ask you; What exactly was 'at hand' that you needed to 'focus' on while you were incarcerated? You have to do your time. You must abide by the DOC rules. I don't claim to know everything and truly, you know more than I about being an inmate, but I can assure you that seeing, hearing and being able to actuallly touch parts of the life you once had and parts of life that are awaiting your return are clear goals to focus on...definate motivators for good behavior and keeps the sanity that may otherwise be lost.

Yes sir, I do realize that there are those who don't want visits, but I also know that the good Lord never intended for any of us to be isolated. May possibly be more inmates who'd prefer not to have visits than we 'may think', but still, statistically (and from my 18 years experience) most want, and need the visits.

I'd venture to say..and even bet.. that some of those who 'rather not have visitors' are possibly the ones who need them the most <3

I pray for all in Jesus' name

Thank you sir, for your enlightening comments, sharing of experience and beliefs, your insight is much appreciated.

God bless!

-Mrs. T
Hi Mrs. T - I can't speak for him at all but in dealing with mine being away "at hand" to him is keeping focus and aware and alert of his surroundings and doing his time. He said those dudes he's in there with are always watching you and may try to catch you off guard if they think you are weak.

I describe it to myself this way...it may sound silly to you but when a professional boxer is preparing for a fight part of his preparation is to stay away from having "relations" because those "relations" weakens his legs and he will not survive the fight.

My B/F absolutely needs and wants to see and communicate with me and his family he just ask us to understand that he has to create a comfortable balance between being inside and what is going on and what he has to do when he gets on the outside.

I really enjoyed reading your prespective!
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  #155  
Old 07-31-2010, 08:43 AM
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My baby always counts down until I can see him and makes sure that he has his clothes ready hair cut everything! And At vist he just tells me how much he loves me
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  #156  
Old 07-31-2010, 09:04 AM
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I think that is the only thing they can look forward to
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  #157  
Old 07-31-2010, 09:25 AM
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Hi Mrs. T - I can't speak for him at all but in dealing with mine being away "at hand" to him is keeping focus and aware and alert of his surroundings and doing his time. He said those dudes he's in there with are always watching you and may try to catch you off guard if they think you are weak.

I describe it to myself this way...it may sound silly to you but when a professional boxer is preparing for a fight part of his preparation is to stay away from having "relations" because those "relations" weakens his legs and he will not survive the fight.

My B/F absolutely needs and wants to see and communicate with me and his family he just ask us to understand that he has to create a comfortable balance between being inside and what is going on and what he has to do when he gets on the outside.

I really enjoyed reading your prespective!
Well, naturally aka! That is the reality of being incarcerated. I believe it's common sense that one must be constantly aware of one's surroundings in there & definately NOT show weakness. (when ya think about it, that concept works out here too)

Of course everyone's situations, feelings and opinions are different & that's ok That's what makes us unique!

My husband has never had to ask us to 'understand' we all get it. Human beings need each other to survive...out here or in there....even if it's just a small peice of time it can bring enormous joy to all! And when we can't write/have calls/visit we 'take care of buisiness' and look forward to those times when we can!

Who truly wants ot 'go it alone' in any case? I believe that even those who SAY that they do are really crying out for help/attention...or perhaps don't realize or believe at all that the Love of others can actually help their well-being. It takes a strong person to face this life on either side of the fence & to share the laughter & heartache along the way. Wow, just made me think while writing that previous line....sharing laughter & heartache along the path of life no matter where you are is what we all do anyways

When I asked what 'at hand' meant to the other poster, I just thought there might be something more than what's obvious. Or that he may have experienced things that my husband had not.

Truly, a 'balance' of everything in life is key. However, completely ommitting needs and desires can have a debilitating effect on mind, body & soul.
Deprivation is never the answer. I'm just sayin'.......
In our opinion, experience and world <3

Thank you for your response, glad u enjoyed reading this perspective!
Love to you & God Bless <3

-Mrs. T
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  #158  
Old 08-05-2010, 12:08 PM
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In my opinion i feel they are effective. Its always good to see that one person that means alot to you. I kno I can speak for my man..he counts down til its time for me to visit. I always put a smile on his face, I make his day, and he makes mine...Once ur happy it helps u make it thru the week and have hope of better things to come.
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  #159  
Old 08-05-2010, 12:18 PM
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visitation is very very important to a inmate its means everything 2 them..its like u there only thing of them thinking bout outside or just knowing that one day they will be home..i know when i dont visit my baby he gets so mad its not even funny he wont even talk to me..hes like visits means everything to him and anyother inmate they wanna see family knowing whats goin on in the outside world etc so its very important..its even important 2 me lol
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  #160  
Old 08-07-2010, 03:59 PM
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I spent seven years of a 45 year sentence at Snake River before all my charges were reversed because the prosecutor and Oregon State Police Detective concealed forensic evidence that proved my innocence. During that time it was visits that kept inmates quite. I saw lots of inmates that never had a visit and never would. Even my attorney visits were something I looked forward to. Anything you could do to make visits easier and more affordable would be a help to everyone.
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  #161  
Old 08-07-2010, 04:20 PM
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Visiting can be refreshing for inmates. It gives them something to look forward to. I look forward to visiting my Boo and I would hate to ever disappoint him by not making a scheduled visit because I know how much it means to him. It means a lot to me as well. We have nothing right now but the telephone, mail, and visits. I visit every chance I get.
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  #162  
Old 08-09-2010, 10:20 PM
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where will you be doing this??
my hubby is in la palma and i live in california..
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  #163  
Old 08-10-2010, 09:37 PM
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i believe it helps there time go by alot easier because on weekends they get to see the people they love an left behind it also helps the relationship grow because not only do inmates cherish the visits so does the family i no whn i hadnt been approved yet to visit my hubby it really took a toll on me not knowing truely how he was an when i got to see him it was like just seeing him made it all better i could tell he felt the same way because of how big his smile was i am so glad that we have the chance to visit because some are not that lucky to even make the trip down to see there loved ones
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  #164  
Old 08-15-2010, 08:58 AM
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It so important for my baby to have his visits. If he knows I'm coming he will stand at his window and watch me in the parking lot. Last time I came I tied a balloon on the car and wrote I love on the hood. That was a great joy for him and he could believe that I had done that for him. Honey
I love it!!!!! That is too cute!!
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  #165  
Old 08-15-2010, 09:38 AM
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Since we have not seen each other in over 8 months and the light at the end of the tunnel is still very dim, the thought of us being able to actually lay eyes on each other is VERY IMPORTANT to us. I think it will be just as important when we are able to see each other. I know, like others have said, she told me the other day that had it not been for her looking forward to seeing me again she would have been in several fights. So, yea, I think a lot of times it actually keeps them out of trouble it gives them something to look forward to. I would imagine if visits are important to us, they must be twice as important to them.
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  #166  
Old 09-01-2010, 05:32 PM
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is this here? seriously? they need to see us..to kno we care n know were real and that were really there for them..bein able to be affectionate and luvin to a human without consequence..hell yea visits r important!! it makes a lot of difference..not to mention gives them hope that sumone still luvs n cares for them?
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  #167  
Old 09-01-2010, 05:52 PM
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Funny I have often run this through my mind. However my man and I have spoke about this often. He LOVES the visits. They help make him feel like a human and not a number. Help him feel like a man worthy of someone that has true feelings and follows through. "Escape" for a few moments of the same everyday BS. Are visits effective? Watch your mans facial features and body language the next time he see his child/children he hasn't seen for a while. Or even you if your visits are few and far between. 110% visits are effective.
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  #168  
Old 09-02-2010, 11:24 AM
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is this here? seriously? they need to see us..to kno we care n know were real and that were really there for them..bein able to be affectionate and luvin to a human without consequence..hell yea visits r important!! it makes a lot of difference..not to mention gives them hope that sumone still luvs n cares for them?
Yes - this is here - you might want to read this post...things are not always as simple as they seem, especially for people who live in prisons. Having spent 15+ years inside, I can tell you that visits are not always what you might expect.

An alternative perspective on Visiting

What's important to remember is that everyone is different. What works for one, doesn't work for everyone...and you would be surprised how many people inside would rather forgo the whole visiting routine because of the emotional disruption to their lives.
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  #169  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:34 PM
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I did not read all this post in this but in my opinion i think that visits are important on both parts for the inamte and the family and loved ones.My man and i live for our visits and phone calls. Yes letters are great but i feel closer to him when i can hear his voice or see him. The same for him. I think it keeps him going. Every inmate may differ this is just us. But without visits and that contact relationships would be even harder to maintain while he is on the inside. I think it helps more than anything to know that you have people that care and show thier support for you from the outside. My man appreciates the time we get. It has been a real heart ache where he is in recieving right now that we havent had visits in alomost 7 weeks now. And phone calls are limited where the cost of prison calls are higher than county jails. But i am looking forward to seeing him and he writes every day counting down till he gets to see me.
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  #170  
Old 09-06-2010, 06:52 PM
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My man and I look forward to visits. I think it shows him how much I love him when I come very week or even twice a month considering he's 5 hours away now. When he was in the county jail I never missed a visit I was even going to see him twice a day once in the morning and in the evening. On every visit we smiled like it was our first. Yes I felt like crying when the visit was over and I tried to stay strong for him. He told me he look forward to those visits, phone calls and letters this is what keeps him going while he's in there and keeps his mind focused. I havent seen my baby in a month and I'm going crazy and he's going crazy to that's what he tells me in his letters. I guess it's different strokes for different fokes. I love my man and if that is what he wants me to do to show my love and to sh9ow that I got his back then that's what I will do until he comes home and then some. If you feel your man doesnt want you to visit just ask..But as far as I'm concern my baby loves every moment we have together even if it's for 45 minutes or 8 hours.
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  #171  
Old 09-24-2010, 11:15 AM
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visits are verry inportant to our loved ones. they look foward to this visits to let them self know that some one is waitting out there for them and that they matter to some one. and with all that they go thru inside, is good for them to know that we still love and care for them..................
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  #172  
Old 09-24-2010, 11:31 AM
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Hi Mrs. T - I can't speak for him at all but in dealing with mine being away "at hand" to him is keeping focus and aware and alert of his surroundings and doing his time. He said those dudes he's in there with are always watching you and may try to catch you off guard if they think you are weak.

My Man says the same thing. He said He has to constantly keep His mind inside or else risk what could happen and has happened in the past. He's been down for 13+ years and not getting out til 2017 so I definately try to understand Him when He tells me this, even though it hurts to think about.

Today is one of the days that He told me this morning first thing through email, that He wont be online until tonight because unfortunately issues have come up and basically He has to take care of business. It doesnt sound nice and I dont like it but I have accepted that He is in a federal maximum prison and He has to do what He feels has to be done. And I trust that He will make the right choices in the end.

I ask that you please dont flame me for speaking the truth in regards to my situation with my Man and His choices while He's away.
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  #173  
Old 09-24-2010, 08:03 PM
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I see my bf 3 or 4 times a year. At most. I live in another state and I have to travel quite a distance to visit him. We've been saving up to get him some strong legal representation and I told him that the money I spend in one year coming to see him, could probably cover the full cost of a lawyer.

But I would have to stop visiting him for a year.

He said he didn't want that. He said he sees me so seldom as it is and the visits are important to him. They're important to me too -- even though I think I could sacrifice seeing him for a year if I knew there was a decent chance of him coming home through the courts with a good lawyer.

My Love would rather wait on the lawyer than miss one of our few visits.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:28 PM
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Hello Everyone,
My name is Talaya and I am in the process of opening a transportation business that will provide transportation to and from correctional institutes for those wishing to visit an inmate.
This is where you guys come in...
How effective do you think visitation is for an inmate?
If you are an ex inmate can you please speak on the subject for me?
Thank you, Talaya.


I must say my man says if I couldn't visit he would have gotten more than one ortwo more charges and time. He has to think about not just himselve now but two of us. The visits make him more responsible for him selve.
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Old 09-25-2010, 09:36 PM
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My Love would rather wait on the lawyer than miss one of our few visits.
So, in effect he's saying that he'd rather NOT come home sooner, if that were possible, so you could come to visit once in a while. Not sure that makes sense to me, although at some level it does tell me that he's comfortable where he is...and only seeing you on occasion. Otherwise...

If you're making responsible, adult choices, wouldn't the choice which might yield the greatest long term benefit (him actually being home so you wouldn't have to visit him at ALL) be a wiser choice than having you make the long trip a few times in one year? It's just for a year for goodness sake...that seems like a reasonable investment in your long-term future together.

Just asking...
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