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  #1  
Old 06-13-2018, 03:15 PM
calluna calluna is offline
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Default Need your advice, red flags?

I'm new to this forum and to the whole pen pal thing.. to shortly introduce myself: I am 25 years old from germany. My penpal is 27

In march I've started writing to him. He was very polite and we had some good conversations.

After 2 Month he asked for money and pictures - no nudes but close to it (his words) he stated that his account balance is super low.. for me that was a major red flag and I stopped writing to him via mail and also on corrlinks.

Today I received a letter in which he was telling me how bad things are right now and that he begs me for forgeivnes and he apologized for asking me and admits that it was totally out of order. He just wants to have someone to talk to again, that he missed talking to me and that it won't happen again.

I'm about to write to him and clarify, that I'll never send those pictures and that I won't send money either.

What do you guys think. Give him a second chance or not? Usually I believe, that everyone deserves a second chance. But also I think it won't hurt to get another point of view on this.
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Old 06-13-2018, 06:25 PM
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Questionable.....

I would always think that if I hung around long enough he would start professing love and asking for favors, but I'm a once-burned, twice shy sort of person.

You can see if he'll stick to that promise, and maybe you will end up with a real friendship, or you'll have to cut him off again if he breaks the promise.

It's totally up to you.
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Old 06-13-2018, 09:05 PM
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I don’t know...he showed you who he is pretty quickly off the bat. I don’t think apologizing undoes that. And sure, it didn’t work on you, but I’m sure he tries it on every other person who writes him.

I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to write him back if yalls letters were so sensational that you miss him, but if not, there are plenty of other people out there to write to who have good intentions.
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Old 06-14-2018, 02:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calluna View Post
I'm about to write to him and clarify, that I'll never send those pictures and that I won't send money either.
We're all different and personally I probably would've been put off by his requests altogether....but what you write above is a good way to see if he'll respect your boundaries
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Old 06-14-2018, 04:00 AM
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If he asked for forgiveness give it to him and see what happens. You told him what your boundaries are and if he adhers to them then good for you and hopefully for him, too.
I hate those sob-stories to be honest, we all get that prison is no Ritz Carlton but we did not put them there.
My guy never asked me for anything besides maybe a book for his birthday or Christmas but I've asked him what his wish-list was, the only money I pay is for our calls.
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Old 06-14-2018, 09:21 AM
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Thanks for your help. I'll write to him and tell him that I don't want to he asked for this again.. hopefully he'll respect that, if not I can still stop writing to him.
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Old 06-14-2018, 01:08 PM
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I think the requests would be enough for me to call it a day , but its up to you.It sounds like you are keeping your wits about you, so watch for any more requests or attempts to sweet talk you.
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Old 06-14-2018, 01:59 PM
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If you want a no bull pen pal I have one for you. He simply wants mail and someone to write to.
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Old 06-14-2018, 04:00 PM
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On principle, I am open to giving people second chances, but in practice it does take a little time for me to actually trust someone again. In a case such as yours, I would be open to writing back and accepting your pen pal's explanation and apology, but I know that it would take a little more than just that one letter for him to regain my trust. I think if it were me, I would respond by saying that I appreciate his letter and explanation, and then reiterate that I am happy to resume writing so long as he understands that all that I will offer now and in the future will be friendship via correspondence. I would then also add that if he is hoping to get something else or something more out of this, then I am not a good fit when it comes to being a pen pal and he should choose to write to someone else instead.

Now, in terms of full disclosure: I have sent small amounts of money to my pen pal over the past year and a half of writing to him and I have bought him a couple of books. But had I felt that it was the financial or other material reward that kept him writing to me, I would have stopped writing long ago. There were two instances of inmates who had clear expectations of me beyond friendship (money and semi-pornographic photos) and they made this pretty clear in the third or fourth email exchange. I stopped writing to them straight away and then eventually, a few weeks later, when they never tried to reach out to me, I removed them from my Jpay account.

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Old 06-14-2018, 06:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WeepingWillow View Post
if yalls letters were so sensational that you miss him.
I think this would be the key for me right here. If he was intelligent and funny and genuinely interesting, Id give him another chance. If his letters were a snooze or if he had other strikes against him, Id say nah.

Good luck whatever you decide.
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marseille View Post
I think this would be the key for me right here. If he was intelligent and funny and genuinely interesting, Id give him another chance. If his letters were a snooze or if he had other strikes against him, Id say nah.

Good luck whatever you decide.
Agreed. I'd give him a chance if he was interesting enough. But for me, once my boundaries are crossed, even if they're interesting, I'm done. No bullshit for me, I don't trust again once I'm crossed.
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Old 06-15-2018, 01:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rupert81 View Post
On principle, I am open to giving people second chances, but in practice it does take a little time for me to actually trust someone again. In a case such as yours, I would be open to writing back and accepting your pen pal's explanation and apology, but I know that it would take a little more than just that one letter for him to regain my trust.
I wrote to him and clarified, that I was and still am upset about him asking for money and those pictures and that if he will ask again I won't write back.

It's the same with me, he has to earn my trust again. But I am curious about his explanation though He seemed to be truly upset about the situation.. I guess I'll find out if he's just a good actor or if it was true what he has written..
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Old 06-21-2018, 12:56 PM
Alldayandanight Alldayandanight is offline
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You can't blame him for trying I guess. I don't think he'll ask again, you made your point. Don't worry, it's gonna be okay. Greetings from Ger
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Old 06-23-2018, 03:35 AM
silversprings silversprings is offline
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I think it’s ok to give him a second chance, you’ve set boundaries and told him clearly you’re not going to do that. So keep writing and see how things go, if his letters or tone changes now that you’ve said no to sending him money, be aware of that. And keep your eye out for subtle hints about money other than direct asking.

Good luck and I hope it goes well!
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