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  #26  
Old 09-10-2019, 08:09 AM
Onetruemisfit Onetruemisfit is offline
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This is so creepy and offputting. You’re trying to purchase her affection and commitment and you clearly will have a problem with it if she doesn’t complete her end of the transaction.
Give me a break. How is it creepy? Because she's younger than me? Because I am sending money or both? I'm not trying to purchase her affection. Any penpal who expects a prisoner to write them without at least funding them with some money for envelopes, paper and pens I think is lame. There should be minimal funding. Yes I am going beyond that but as I said. I like to spoil. They have shit food in there. I've heard time and time again how important it is for inmates to have money on their books. I have sent male inmates money before as well and purchased them tons of books which cost money. It's an experiment for me. I don't care if it fails. I've said that multiple times. Life will move on. I've had nothing but short term flings in which I spent a lot of money time after time in the last decade or so of my life. It's her loss if she doesn't want to be with me.

Love is never a contract in any situation. Even a wife isn't obligated to stay married.

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you are titillated by what you see on tv.
Titillated by seeing peoples lives destroyed? Ok. Look I started watching some of the prison shows after I started writing her but also I've always been interested in it and it's been a part of my life. I've never been, but that's only because I was lucky. I was a criminal and a drug addict. Many friends have been and still are and have been multiple times to prison. I've written friends there in the past as well. It's not something all new to me. It just adds to my interest. If there was no interest from people in prison and stuff then this site wouldn't even exist. I'm starting to wonder how some people have made it to this site.

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Whatever though, you’ve got it all figured out.
You sound like me writing to her. lol. No I don't have it all figured out. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I know that I've been sober and I know what it takes to get and stay sober. I've stayed out of trouble. I've become responsible and independent. I think that my advice is worth something. I'm not perfect by any means. I know what I hope for. I know what she tells me.

If I had it all figured out, I wouldn't be here for support explaining myself and the situation to everyone. I probably won't stop though just because a lot of you don't agree with it. Only way I will stop is if she pisses me off or gives me the total idea that she isn't willing to change whatsoever. So either it'll go somewhere or it wont. It's a rollercoaster. Most relationships are anyway but because of the circumstances, this is even more so. But I do enjoy many aspects of it or I wouldn't be doing it.

I'm here for advice too.

Anyone have any questions I should ask her that maybe I haven't already?

I'm not going to stop sending money or stop talking to her.

What are some other things I should consider or do?

I've been writing her every day for 2 months. I usually get 2 or 3 letters from her a week. Her letters are usually packed with pages that she had written over the course of a few days. I have gotten to know her quite a bit so far and her me as well.

I can see that discussing this on the forum is going to be difficult, just like writing her is difficult because it's hard to really read people through writing. Someone may come off as offensive when they really aren't trying to be. etc. that's what makes it hard

Last edited by Onetruemisfit; 09-10-2019 at 08:36 AM..
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  #27  
Old 09-10-2019, 09:35 AM
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Give me a break. How is it creepy? Because she's younger than me?
It’s creepy because you expect something of her in return for your cash gifts and paying for her therapy. You quite explicitly stated that you feel she would owe it to you to stay in your area because you will be supporting her for 9 months. You insist you know what’s best for her and since you want to pay for it, you got upset with her when she suggested she might not want to fall in line with your program. Sorry, it’s creepy and controlling. You’ve got no right to tell her what’s best for her. You don’t even know her. Give her all the money you want, but stop making it sound like that entitles you to plan her treatment or interfere with her life in any fashion.
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  #28  
Old 09-10-2019, 09:38 AM
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Any penpal who expects a prisoner to write them without at least funding them with some money for envelopes, paper and pens I think is lame. There should be minimal funding.
It's not lame. How is that lame? I feel that it's a choice (volunteering/willing) if you want to fund money/send packages to an inmate. It's not an obligation or a requirement to do so when writing to an inmate.
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  #29  
Old 09-10-2019, 09:45 AM
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I agree. I could care less what other people do. Send money or don't. I don't think either one is right or wrong.
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Old 09-10-2019, 09:52 AM
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I don't know about the "creepy" side, but I do know that if she is saying "much love" that REALLY sounds friend-zone'ish.

I would also think that if I am sending letters to someone that as a courtesy I would send a few stamps for return but that is a courtesy done for free will and not to expect "I send 3 stamps I get three return letters"....

All this information leads me to believe you are walking into the friend-zone. She is going to say thanks and move on, I mean if you show her you are weak, she will respect that position and carry on in life. I mean in prison they are living among that whole paradigm aren't they? The weak get used and left to the side all day long there, so being on the out and hanging on a thread is substantially weak and the prison culture does not encourage hanging on to weak souls.

But who's to say, just don't hang on everything and understand that what you do, doesn't warrant any response or reciprocation. Everything I do for my girl, is given and not expected to be reciprocal. I let it go as soon as I send the note, press the deposit button, pick up the phone, purchase the whatever. Its all out of free will... Because I love her, its not a business exchange.
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  #31  
Old 09-10-2019, 09:53 AM
Onetruemisfit Onetruemisfit is offline
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It’s creepy because you expect something of her in return for your cash gifts and paying for her therapy. You quite explicitly stated that you feel she would owe it to you to stay in your area because you will be supporting her for 9 months. You insist you know what’s best for her and since you want to pay for it, you got upset with her when she suggested she might not want to fall in line with your program. Sorry, it’s creepy and controlling. You’ve got no right to tell her what’s best for her. You don’t even know her. Give her all the money you want, but stop making it sound like that entitles you to plan her treatment or interfere with her life in any fashion.
I'm not expecting her to be with me. I'm expecting her to make a decision. It's not right to have me hanging on a string. As I said before, she makes it sound like we are dating or will be sometimes and then says that we are just friends. She also told her grandma that we arent dating now because we haven't even met yet.

I can't tell her what I think is best, but you're telling me what you think is best. Sounds kind of hypocritical to me.

Last edited by Onetruemisfit; 09-10-2019 at 09:56 AM..
  #32  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:13 AM
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This is so creepy and offputting. You’re trying to purchase her affection and commitment and you clearly will have a problem with it if she doesn’t complete her end of the transaction. Here’s the thing though... this isn’t a contract. She’s under no obligation to be your girlfriend or give you a chance in any way whatsoever, no matter what you give her. No matter how much you give her. No obligation. None.

Also... I never said the television shows were romanticizing prison relationships. I said YOU were, because you are titillated by what you see on tv. It’s ok... you definitely aren’t the first guy (or girl) on this forum who has a prison fetish and a savior complex wrapped into one. I’m just observing that you are in a pretty damn typical situation here, and the outcome is rarely what you went looking for. Whatever though, you’ve got it all figured out.
I agree with you 100%. I want to lead this kick-ass life he's got going on! This absolutely screams controlling and naive. A girl whose been down DEFINITELY wants to be told what to do from a guy she isn't sure of yet. Love it.
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  #33  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:21 AM
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Default Been writing a girl, visiting soon

Okay folks, let’s tone it down here a bit please. I think people have spoken their minds and hearts on their concerns about the situation (myself included) and OP has expressed his thoughts. Remember that our community purpose is support. Yes, sometimes that includes constructive criticism. I think a couple of posts are starting to border on the territory of “piling on” and I don’t think that’s supportive.

Please recall our community purpose:

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“The purpose of the Prison Talk Online community is Prisoner & Family Support, Information and Assistance. While we welcome people with other view points seeking to learn more, anything beyond friendly questions will NOT be tolerated. PTO is not a forum open to debating whether or not anyone should be in prison, should prisoners and their families have rights, etc. Anyone who is hostile to our purpose will be immediately blocked from the community and all of their posts will be deleted. This will be the ONLY WARNING and no notice will be given.”
Now I am not going to start handing out bans and blocks (not here to scare and make threats, just want to bring us back under a little more control....I’m just copying the purpose verbatim...), but I do want to kind of point out that I think this thread is starting to move away from that purpose a little. Please be mindful of why we are here.

The OP has received a good amount of feedback. In my opinion.....the most important thing for him to do right now, regardless of what we may think of all the specifics he’s discussed, is to actually visit with her and see what sort of connection is or is not there. I wish him the best of luck in that and hope that he has a good visit. I also hope he remains objective, regardless of his feelings, and assesses whatever may happen during that visit in an objective fashion.

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  #34  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Onetruemisfit View Post
I'm not expecting her to be with me. I'm expecting her to make a decision. It's not right to have me hanging on a string. As I said before, she makes it sound like we are dating or will be sometimes and then says that we are just friends. She also told her grandma that we arent dating now because we haven't even met yet.

I can't tell her what I think is best, but you're telling me what you think is best. Sounds kind of hypocritical to me.
You want here to make a decision, but you haven't met yet. You certainly do push the all in button don't you. Let me tell you how well put together 21 year olds are. She couldn't handle the everyday decision to not break laws, but yet you want her to make a decision on whether to be with you? Every post you put on here comes off as arrogant and controlling. I know if I demanded my wife to have all these things she has to do when she comes home, she'd beat me senseless, and I would deserve it. Its overwhelming, and the more you load up on it and put pressure, the more you push her away. Gotta let her breathe, especially someone that young.
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  #35  
Old 09-10-2019, 10:58 AM
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**I'm expecting her to make a decision.***


Well thats not a good idea. I think her idea about waiting a year after she's out of prison is quite valid. As a recovering addict I would think you would agree. Its talked about all the time in NA/AA meetings. Strongly suggested.
As has been said, she is still very young. And depending on how long she was using, she may be even younger than her actual 21 yrs.



I think you are expecting a bit too much at this point.

As you have said, you have not even met her in person yet.
Slow it down.
Write if you want to, send her money if you want to.

But dont be surprised if you get bit in the back side later on. Not saying that WILL happen but I would prepare for that and try not to be bummed if it happens.
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  #36  
Old 09-10-2019, 11:19 AM
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I think her idea about waiting a year after she's out of prison is quite valid.
Yeah, it SOUNDS good. But will she really remain single? no. There's no way. I don't believe it.
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Old 09-10-2019, 11:39 AM
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Yeah, it SOUNDS good. But will she really remain single? no. There's no way. I don't believe it.
I never seen a guy hold on to a girl and it turn out good. Just show her you are strong independent but still interested in her, and if she isn't receptive, don't let her know you care beyond telling her you are interested.

Nice guys finish last man!

You cant expect anything, you can show interest, but serious you cant force or expect anything. I think shes young, but I think 30's is young too, you both have quite a life ahead of you! Sometimes taking it easy and then she might be like "hey how come dudes not chasing me?" then she change tune....
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Old 09-10-2019, 11:44 AM
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Maybe she will or maybe she won’t but I wouldn’t be surprised if you will not be her choice. Your expectations of her are way over the top. She’s got prison, addiction and you to deal with, guess who’ll be left behind?
Just thinking out loud...
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Old 09-10-2019, 12:25 PM
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Yeah, it SOUNDS good. But will she really remain single? no. There's no way. I don't believe it.
You’re probably right. I’ve used that exact line several times to gently dissuade men that I’m not interested in but they keep trying to force it. Not even being snarky. I’ve seriously said it.
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Old 09-10-2019, 12:28 PM
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I never seen a guy hold on to a girl and it turn out good. Just show her you are strong independent but still interested in her, and if she isn't receptive, don't let her know you care beyond telling her you are interested.

Nice guys finish last man!

You cant expect anything, you can show interest, but serious you cant force or expect anything. I think shes young, but I think 30's is young too, you both have quite a life ahead of you! Sometimes taking it easy and then she might be like "hey how come dudes not chasing me?" then she change tune....
Also want to mention again that she expects me to not talk to other girls or be with them. She wants me to be committed to her and yet remain friends. But leaving in less than an hour! looking forward to it!
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Old 09-10-2019, 01:14 PM
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Nice guys finish last man!
The only guys I've seen finish last are the ones who thought they were nice guys but were actually manipulative suck-holes who turn around and throw everything they've ever done for you (that you never asked for and sometimes really, really didn't want) back at you as a way of proving that they were so good to you and you treated them like trash.

Nice guys are nice guys with boundaries and self-worth. They usually do OK.
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  #42  
Old 09-10-2019, 01:23 PM
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Also want to mention again that she expects me to not talk to other girls or be with them. She wants me to be committed to her and yet remain friends. But leaving in less than an hour! looking forward to it!
Courting process I guess. That is acceptable in many instances, doesn't mean you are going out with her though, it just means you are not going out with other girls while courting her.

Good luck! And take it easy, I wouldn't get all involved in the inner workings of this with her on a visit, that would easily end up making a mess of not fun times.... Leaving on a bad note is never fun, especially for the inmate.
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Old 09-10-2019, 02:13 PM
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I want to help her with her recovery if she is willing to heed to my advice. (Going to AA, church, getting therapy etc.)
If she's serious about recovery, she needs to do it her way and in her own time. Bribery and manipulation (I'll do "this for you" if you'll do "that") just won't cut it. My daughter was a pain pill / heroin addict for over 10 years, now clean for almost 3 years. It was a long, very difficult journey. When she chose to leave the life it was on her terms, and she succeeded only because it was her choice to succeed. Recovery cannot be forced or coerced.

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Any penpal who expects a prisoner to write them without at least funding them with some money for envelopes, paper and pens I think is lame.
My Mr & I are MWI (2006)...we didn't meet through a pen pal website, but through a friend. He never asked for a plug nickel and the only money I sent was $20 after he had surgery and couldn't work for a couple of weeks.

Stop 2nd guessing motives and letting "what-ifs" dictate your behavior. Take a step back, relax, accept it for what it is now and just let things flow naturally.



I hope your visit was full of chatter & smiles, not questions & ultimatums
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  #44  
Old 09-10-2019, 03:01 PM
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My husband was my pen pal to start with. I am in the UK he is in Colorado USA. We letter service that meant he could write to me using domestic mail not airmail so it was cheaper. However, he placed a pen pal ad and he funded his correspondence to me. He didnt ask me for stamps or envelopes.

Most penpals meet penpals on a penpal site and my view is if an inmate cant afford to correspond with a penpal then why ask for one.
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Old 09-10-2019, 07:38 PM
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Started writing a girl in prison a couple of months ago. She has already been in prison a few months before I started writing. I knew her as a customer from working at a gas station. Tried to get to know her before getting locked up by adding her on Facebook but never heard from her.

I am 32 and she is 21. She is in prison for meth and will be released sometime in May unless she gets an earlier release. She was sentenced to 11 months. This is her first time in prison. She has a history of abuse and a mother who is in prison who uses.

I sent her quite a bit of money early on as I wrote her and she was interested and wrote back. Since then we have written lots of letters. I've sent her a lot of money and letters with drawings and greeting cards, post cards, song lyrics etc. I've also sent her books.

I try to send her a minimum of $50 every two weeks sometimes more.

Things have been a bit rocky as of late in the letters. We are not dating we haven't really talked in person yet. Sometimes she makes it sound like we are dating or there is potential, then she said she wanted to be single for a year after release. Then she said she wanted to move away after release and go to a recovery home and move to Florida. I didn't like this because I want her to be around. Made me reply a little upset.

She has been calling though and the calls seem to go better because we can express ourselves and understand each other better.

I am a recovering drug addict myself. I want to help her as much as I can with finding a job, going to church, going to aa, taking her to and paying for some kind of therapy. Any way that I can help.

Well, I got approved for visits and may be visiting her for the first time this week. Excited and anxious about that. I want to visit her every couple of weeks. I think it will go well. I just want to share my story with you and would love to answer any questions.
Not to be mean but I wouldn’t care for someone that never had the time of day for me while they were free but suddenly can’t get enough of my attention or more importantly money & favors while they’re in a bad situation (prison inmate). Then she knows you in person so she already knows whether she’s attracted to you physically or not so the pen pal thing is the cherry on top and yet she’s still indifferent about being a couple. Idk your call but I wouldn’t expect much romantic wise when she’s released. If you’re in this for friendship fine but I cut back on the support and see how she behaves .
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Old 09-10-2019, 11:36 PM
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Also want to mention again that she expects me to not talk to other girls or be with them. She wants me to be committed to her and yet remain friends. But leaving in less than an hour! looking forward to it!
On the one side she tells you she wants to be single for a year after release and at the same time she does not want you to see other girls? WTF?
DO YOU READ WHAT YOU WRITE?
Good grief...
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Old 09-11-2019, 04:04 AM
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Alright guys and gals! It's 4:30 am here. Just woke up after the night from our first visit. I'm still floating haha! The visit was better than I could have imagined. I even got a couple of kisses at the end! She had eaten skittles as well so her lips tasted fruity! Haha it was amazing.

When I got there the visitor parking lot was basically empty. I went in and started the sign in process. Had 2 forms of ID and had to fill out a paper saying that I was not a convicted felon, haven't been to prison and don't work at a prison. I put some money on a vending machine card that I can reuse and I still have money on it currently. There was a machine that you used to load money on the card.

When I had to sign a sign in sheet it asked for my license plate #. I didn't have it memorized so had to go back out and look at it and come back in. I arrived at 4pm like I wanted but didn't get to actually go in to see her until about 4:30. Not bad. Staff was very friendly! No rudeness at all. All throughout the visit.

I was amazed at how clean and modern the facility was. I had looked up pictures of visiting rooms on google and expected it to be run down and dirty. Not what I expected! Pleasantly surprised. No one was in the visiting room when I arrived. She wanted me to sit next to the vending machines so I did. They had tables to sit at. They had a lot of vending machines there. Coffee, Ice Cream, Soda, Snacks, Sandwiches, Salads etc. Just about everything you could imagine. I was surprised at that too. They may have had 8 vending machines or so all together. Along with microwave with condiments.

She came in and she wanted a hug and she sat down. Throughout the night she ate skittles, raisinets, and a big texas cinnamon bun. Also had a mountain dew and a cherry pepsi. I had about $22 for her to use on the card and still have around 15 left.

It used a little over a half a tank of gas to visit her as well.

We talked a lot. Other people sat next to us. The guard wasn't very far. I thought wow no privacy but I got more comfortable pretty quickly. I asked if she wanted to play any games. They had a lot of stuff to choose from. They have movies you can watch etc. I wanted checkers but couldn't find it. Thought about playing guess who lol but grabbed a deck of cards instead. Need to brush up on learning some games for next time. I couldn't remember how to play much so I showed her 21, 5/7 card draw and War. lol She didn't know any card games except spades which she learned inside. Next time we might play rummy or go fish.

I stayed there for 3 1/2 hours. I stayed until closing. There ended up being people on the other side of us as well. So we were sandwiched between other visitors. Wasn't too annoying though. Everyone wanted next to the vending machines. lol.

I did get a shakedown before I went in as well. Had to put my 2 forms of ID and car key into a locker before I entered. I could only go into the visiting room with locker key and vending machine card. They had me take off my shoes before the shakedown and they were inspected. I wore checkered vans slip ons and made it much easier. I had no jewelry, no belt or anything like that.

At the end of the night it was me and her and another inmate. The guard took the other inmate out first. I was at one end of the room waiting to be let out and the girl I saw as at the other end. We kind of looked back at each other and she said she wants a kiss. So we walked and met in the middle of the room. We kissed and she said she wanted to kiss again so we did a second time. Then we went back.

I stood at the door waiting to be let out. The guard was buzzing it. I wasn't sure that I was supposed to exit on my own so I took longer to leave than I should have. lol

This visit made me want to ease up on her a bit. I'm sure that I'm still going to be mentioning sobriety to her a lot and trying to push her in certain directions but maybe I can be more patient. She's going to be in there a while. After more and more visits, maybe she will trust me more. I'm not going to stop being me.

I'll go back in a couple of weeks for sure! Maybe sooner if I come up with the money, just depends never know. For sure I plan to visit her once every payday, which means twice a month.

Oh she also said had a nice ass. Is that a good thing? Lmao

I don't want to start more controversy really but I was thinking and... to those of you who think I am trying to control her or force her to do things for her sobriety...

Does that mean you disagree with interventions? Where people try to convince someone to go to rehab?

Last edited by Onetruemisfit; 09-11-2019 at 04:38 AM..
  #48  
Old 09-11-2019, 04:54 AM
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MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
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Well... if you only used half a tank of gas you should have plenty of money left..
I don't mean to rain on your parade or be offensive to you but from where I'm standing you are in la-la-land... you own wonderful world... Peter Pan like... but try it all out, if you have the time & money, just go for it...
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Last edited by MizzyMuffling; 09-11-2019 at 05:23 AM..
  #49  
Old 09-11-2019, 06:19 AM
Onetruemisfit Onetruemisfit is offline
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Quote:
Well... if you only used half a tank of gas you should have plenty of money left..
No. lol. I put all the money I had in gas and on the food card. Except for money in my savings which I'm not touching.
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Old 09-11-2019, 07:35 AM
Peacefinder Peacefinder is offline
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I'm glad your visit went well.
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