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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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Old 11-02-2017, 01:22 PM
InquiringMind_5 InquiringMind_5 is offline
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Default Those whose L.O. Is in for Murder and MWI

How did you feel when you found out what he was in for? How did you react? Did you say anything (if you found out on your own)?

I am currently getting to know someone and I found out what he is in for after I looked him up. I was shocked, sad, scared, and curious. There are so many unknowns at this point since we have just started talking and he hasn’t talked to me about it yet. I understand that it was many years ago and he was very young; he was a different person (I hope), so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I fully intend to listen to him with an open mind and without judgements when he does open up to me about it. From what I have learned of him so far I do think he is a different person and feels horribly for the crime he committed, but There is a also a part of me that asks myself what I’m doing and “am I Crazy?!”
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Old 11-02-2017, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by InquiringMind_5 View Post
How did you feel when you found out what he was in for? How did you react? Did you say anything (if you found out on your own)?

I am currently getting to know someone and I found out what he is in for after I looked him up. I was shocked, sad, scared, and curious. There are so many unknowns at this point since we have just started talking and he hasn’t talked to me about it yet. I understand that it was many years ago and he was very young; he was a different person (I hope), so I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I fully intend to listen to him with an open mind and without judgements when he does open up to me about it. From what I have learned of him so far I do think he is a different person and feels horribly for the crime he committed, but There is a also a part of me that asks myself what I’m doing and “am I Crazy?!”
What you describe sounds more like a pen pal and not MWI. Are you in a romantic relationship with him? MWI is used to describe a romantic relationship with someone you met after they were in prison. If you are just getting to know him as a friend then I wouldn’t say that’s crazy. Many people have pen pals that are in prison for all sorts of reasons.

If you are contemplating a relationship with him there is so much that goes into that before that decision is made. By that time you’ll know whether you are crazy or not. Take it slow. There are many milestones you should go through before making that decision. Getting to know them well through letters and moving to phone calls and visits.

Enjoy the friendship you have now. Remember that not all pen pals have to turn into MWI.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:08 PM
InquiringMind_5 InquiringMind_5 is offline
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Yeah, just friends or pen pals at this moment, but he has made it very clear he is interested. I’ve made it clear to him that I can be here for him as a friend for support, but he runs with his feelings. I’m sorry if I am using the wrong terms or posting in the wrong place. I met while he is incarcerated so that is why I used that. I still have tons to learn.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:14 PM
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I knew what he did before I met him. I told him that we never had to discuss it and he was happy about that. However, I reserved the right to ask 3 questions in the future and he agreed. My best suggestion would be to ask him if he regrets his crime for any reason other than the fact that he is in prison. How has he chAnged since the day it occurred? Has he made amends to the family of his victim(s)? If you are afraid of him you do not trust him. I trust B, who was only 17 at the time of his arrest because I know the man he is now is in such stark contrast to the angry boy who was locked up over 20 years ago. I had some knowledge of his story largely because it was a nationwide wide hunt for he and his co defendants and then... well let's just say two shows and one short documentary were made, always mostly focusing on him, about the story of what lead to the crime and everything that occurred afterwards. He's such an incredible person and I'm so blessed to have him in my life.

I should say I agree with AndyS though, it seems as if you're just a pen pal at this point, if you're not sure you could trust a murderer don't end up hurting this dude by eventually dropping him because you can't handle it. Take a solid stance now. He won't bring up his crime most likely unless you do. Will the circumstances behind the crime change anything? Will anything he says ever make you fully trust him? B, again, was 17 when he committed his crime, should anyone be judged by a mistake they made as a child? I don't believe they should be so I gambled on him and definitely don't regret it. I hope this helps.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:16 PM
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If he is interested make sure he knows about your feelings and doubts. He is already in prison for what I am sure is a long time, no need to toy with and eventually break his heart, especially since he seems invested so early on.

Last edited by InLuvWithALifer; 11-02-2017 at 02:19 PM..
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:17 PM
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I've started with my friend as pen-pals through Write a Prisoner and I know what his crime was and what he's in for and I googled and found out more about what happened.
Mine has been in exactly 24 years and now after almost 3 years we've "graduated" to girlfriend + boyfriend.
I'm not or wasn't scared nor appalled. I went in with my eyes open and wanted to offer him my friendship, not more at the time. I guess looking back now I needed more an open ear at the time than him because my father had just died. So we became friends first...
If you're not okay with his crime then talk to him and/or re-think what you want and are looking for. Examine your expectations but most of all communicate with him.

How long has your friend be in prison and how much longer does he have? Maybe that's something to think about as well.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:21 PM
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Ok, I read your other post and there are a couple of red flags here. 1. Being on POF and not revealing he is an inmate. How did you initially start communicating? Inmates don’t have access to the internet and if he is talking to you in the app most likely he is using a cellphone, which is not allowed. 2. He’s made it clear that he wants you as a companion. I assume he means romantic because he didn’t say “ friend”. He’s already being deceitful right from the start and make sure you know exactly what “companion” means before you get in too deep because it wasn’t an inmate that you went looking for. Be very careful.
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Last edited by AndyS; 11-02-2017 at 02:24 PM..
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:27 PM
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I concur. If he is doing things in prison that he should not be he is not worried about consequences like he should be. Whether he gets time added to his sentence or is simply put in to the hole, loses calls or visits doesn't bother him. I could never trust such a reckless man. And it would raise flags early on if he is getting so attached so fast, are you being conned? He may not be asking for anything YET but I wouldn't be surprised if he did soon.


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Ok, I read your other post and there are a couple of red flags here. 1. Being on POF and not revealing he is an inmate. How did you initially start communicating? Inmates don’t have access to the internet and if he is talking to you in the app most likely he is using a cellphone, which is not allowed. 2. He’s made it clear that he wants you as a companion. I assume he means romantic because he didn’t say “ friend”. He’s already being deceitful right from the start and make sure you know exactly what “companion” means before you get in too deep because it wasn’t an inmate that you went looking for.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:38 PM
InquiringMind_5 InquiringMind_5 is offline
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Yeah, I have been very clear with him from the start (as soon as I realized he was in jail). I told him that I could be here as a friend and that was it. I told him I didn’t want him to get hurt in any of this, but he still runs away with his feelings. We have been communicating on the app. He didn’t try to hide the fact that he was in prison.

The term “companion” was my terminology just to make it short. He said he wants me to continue to talk to him and visit him (some day). He doesn’t care what I do “in the world” as long as I don’t stop talking to him.

I told him at one point that I want to hear from him how he ended up inside. It doesn’t have to be right away, but it is important. I don’t intend to drop him, but I do hope to learn if he regrets it, how he has changed etc. The man that I have talked to seems like a kind, intelligent, and wise man so I can’t help but think he must have changed over the years.

Thank you everyone for your advice here.
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Old 11-02-2017, 02:42 PM
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Yeah, I have been very clear with him from the start (as soon as I realized he was in jail). I told him that I could be here as a friend and that was it. I told him I didn’t want him to get hurt in any of this, but he still runs away with his feelings. We have been communicating on the app. He didn’t try to hide the fact that he was in prison.

The term “companion” was my terminology just to make it short. He said he wants me to continue to talk to him and visit him (some day). He doesn’t care what I do “in the world” as long as I don’t stop talking to him.

I told him at one point that I want to hear from him how he ended up inside. It doesn’t have to be right away, but it is important. I don’t intend to drop him, but I do hope to learn if he regrets it, how he has changed etc. The man that I have talked to seems like a kind, intelligent, and wise man so I can’t help but think he must have changed over the years.

Thank you everyone for your advice here.
If you are communicating on the app he is using an illegal cellphone. No other explanation for it which is neither intelligent or wise. Don’t be surprised if that gets shut down real quick. Good luck to you because it’s not starting out in a great way.
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Old 11-02-2017, 03:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InquiringMind_5 View Post
The man that I have talked to seems like a kind, intelligent, and wise man so I can’t help but think he must have changed over the years.
I'm not in a MWI relationship but I write numerous inmates, several of them cold blooded killers...and let me tell you, they ALL seem amazingly charming, sweet, like they would be a great friend. Most of them are crazy intelligent and artistic. Now...some of them may be all those things...but inmates learn real quick how to be smooth and tell people what they want to hear. My brother is in prison and I love him to death but he's there using a cell phone and has 4 women who are head over heals for him, not saying that every man in prison does this. I'm not against MWI at all! There are a ton of truly amazing people in prison and I encourage people to reach out and write an inmate literally every day....BUT that doesn't mean that I don't know how it works sometimes.
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Old 11-02-2017, 03:52 PM
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So... what do you expect him to say? “Yeah I killed the b and she had it coming”? He’s going to tell you exactly what you want to hear. I love how you’ve already decided that he’s remorseful and a totally changed man even though you’ve never actually discussed it.

Anyway... I’m not here to beat you up over it, but this has “prison playboy” written all over it. Correspondence via illegal means, pursuing a romantic relationship immediately, you will have to decide how far down this road you want to go, but I’d recommend putting a hard stop at “friends”. I guarantee you... you are not the only one on this guy’s hook.

Notice that none of the warnings found within this thread have anything to do with his crime. That’s because a bunch of people who have been in your situation feel that his murder charge is probably the least alarming thing you’ve told us about him so far... at least where it pertains to you. That should tell you something.
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Old 11-10-2017, 10:09 PM
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I spent a lot of time with lifers - though ones who had made it to minimum security, so had been in many years and clearly weren't psychotic. I got to know and like a few of them. I'd be happy to have them as a next door neighbor. They were, as far as I could see, very different people than they had been 20 years earlier - and in at least some cases their crimes were not 'cold-blooded' but the opposite - the result of a moment of madness.

I do acknowledge that there are highly manipulative people in jail - I'm just saying that isn't all lifers by any means. I think the best advice is to go very slowly - there's no hurry, as others have said - and get to know more about him. There is no reason not to ask him direct questions, either. People can be glib but it's hard to sustain lies over time.
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Old 11-13-2017, 06:13 AM
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I knew he was a murderer from the start, but that didn't bother me much. His story reads like a movie script and he's no sex offender or serial killer who enjoyed what he did. He's actually the cuddliest guy I know and a big sweetheart.
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