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  #126  
Old 01-16-2017, 05:09 PM
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I know my man wouldn't. As we have a saying "Love and Loyalty are all we give" He told me All I can give you is my love and loyalty and we hold tight to that.
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  #127  
Old 01-16-2017, 06:20 PM
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I'd be mad and pissed off if that happened. No need to be in a relationship if you can't be faithful. I really have no worries about that.
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  #128  
Old 01-19-2017, 12:04 PM
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One lesson I am quickly learning about the World of Prison is that all the rules are off, they change, this is not the nice, kind, refined place I am accustomed to living in. It has been a hard lesson for me. I am shocked myself that inmates are ..excuse me...exploited by COs for sex, even drug deals. I know many are criminals, they hurt others -- but even in the Bible (am not religious), Jesus advised kindness to those in prison, and he was hung with 2 murderers, (I think...not religious, sorry)...and forgave those who were murdering Him. "they know not what they do(any Bible expert who wants to correct me on these things, please feel free, but I did grow up among very sincere Baptists, so I know just a little Bible, just please don't debate this topic on this thread, go to the Bible Study here, please..)

So to address this issue: it seems to me that an inmate must pull on inner strength and peace to get thru this. Yes, other people can affect your behavior, but you are the Mistress of Master of your Fate. Most of the time. So if your SO can just somehow avoid the occasion to be around opportunities for being sexually approached, that is one thing that can be done. It might be difficult, but he needs to be a good actor, pretend he is does not care, act kind of zombie, sit in his cell reading alot (I recently heard a story on NPR about man in prison who did just that, he was known as a kind of Bookworm,so they left him alone). Sure, probably would be better if none of this were true, but prison is lonely and boring, people need touch...there you are. Not sure if any of my post is useful, just throw in cylinder file if need be, but I do feel for your situation. peace, Luna
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  #129  
Old 01-20-2017, 02:50 PM
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One lesson I am quickly learning about the World of Prison is that all the rules are off, they change, this is not the nice, kind, refined place I am accustomed to living in.

The first thing you learn about Planet Prison is societal rules are different. The second is, they keep changing.

It has been a hard lesson for me.


Imagine what it's like for inmates!

I am shocked myself that inmates are ..excuse me...exploited by COs for sex, even drug deals.

Or they seek them out.

I know many are criminals, they hurt others -- but even in the Bible (am not religious), Jesus advised kindness to those in prison, and he was hung with 2 murderers, (I think...not religious, sorry)...and forgave those who were murdering Him. "they know not what they do(any Bible expert who wants to correct me on these things, please feel free, but I did grow up among very sincere Baptists, so I know just a little Bible, just please don't debate this topic on this thread, go to the Bible Study here, please..)

Jesus wasn't your ordinary 21st century guy. If you turn the other cheek, it will be given the same treatment as the first one.

So to address this issue: it seems to me that an inmate must pull on inner strength and peace to get thru this. Yes, other people can affect your behavior, but you are the Mistress of Master of your Fate. Most of the time. It might be difficult, but he needs to be a good actor, pretend he is does not care, act kind of zombie, sit in his cell reading alot (I recently heard a story on NPR about man in prison who did just that, he was known as a kind of Bookworm,so they left him alone).


Free World CITIZENS like us are Mistresses/Masters of our Fate. Inmates are SUBJECTS of the state without power, protection or rights. The 13th Amendment's pretty clear about that.

So if your SO can just somehow avoid the occasion to be around opportunities for being sexually approached, that is one thing that can be done.

Suppose your wife or husband, who has normal human needs, will never be able to come home or even be able to be alone with you. Suppose s/he meets someone who has the same needs and needs the same satisfaction on every level. In the Free World you either find ways to satisfy those needs or go your separate ways to find someone to satisfy them. That's impossible for the subjects of Planet Prison. Their choice is suffer or not suffer. My inmate wife put me through a serious attitude adjustment. It hurt but I'm realizing I would probably have found someone inside if our positions had been reversed.

Sure, probably would be better if none of this were true, but prison is lonely and boring, people need touch...there you are.

Here I am. There she is. We can't be together in the Free World sense but I don't want to be more apart than we are and neither does she.

Not sure if any of my post is useful, just throw in cylinder file if need be, but I do feel for your situation. peace, Luna

Thanks for taking time to write and share your thoughts, Luna.
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  #130  
Old 04-26-2017, 09:30 PM
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To be utterly candid..i think it would lead to me breaking our engagement off. I'm deathly afraid of HIV and always have been..and that plus the betrayal of it.. I couldn't deal or forgive. I love and support him wholeheartedly, but there is a line, and cheating is it, for me. [Oops! Didn't notice this was 'Wives and GFs' based! Please tell me if my chiming in is unwelcome and if I need to remove. I'm male and my LO is another male.]

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  #131  
Old 04-27-2017, 02:40 AM
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To be utterly candid..i think it would lead to me breaking our engagement off. I'm deathly afraid of HIV and always have been..and that plus the betrayal of it.. I couldn't deal or forgive. I love and support him wholeheartedly, but there is a line, and cheating is it, for me. [Oops! Didn't notice this was 'Wives and GFs' based! Please tell me if my chiming in is unwelcome and if I need to remove. I'm male and my LO is another male.]
Oh no, it's welcome. While the main goal of this sub-forum is support for folks with wives and girlfriends in prison, anyone is welcome to contribute to the discussion

As you have probably seen, there are varying opinions (and to at least some extent the divisions are along the lines of gender) on the issue. A lot of us are involved in heterosexual relationships, but by no means are we limited to that. We recently had a female poster in a same sex relationship ask for some advice here as well. All is welcome, and whichever forum/sub-forum you feel most comfortable posting in for your relationship (heck, some of us post in all of them!) is just fine.

I completely understand your take though. STDs are a concern in both the male and female prison populations not only through sexual transmission but in the case of some also transmission through drug activities (shared needles in particular.) We encourage our members here to share their thoughts and provide their insights in hopes that it will help others in their own relationships as well.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and please, feel free to contribute to this sub-forum as well as the others. Glad you found us.

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  #132  
Old 04-27-2017, 05:30 AM
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  #133  
Old 04-27-2017, 07:29 AM
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To be utterly candid..i think it would lead to me breaking our engagement off. I'm deathly afraid of HIV and always have been..and that plus the betrayal of it.. I couldn't deal or forgive. I love and support him wholeheartedly, but there is a line, and cheating is it, for me. [Oops! Didn't notice this was 'Wives and GFs' based! Please tell me if my chiming in is unwelcome and if I need to remove. I'm male and my LO is another male.]
Hep C is another unwelcome possibility. Please feel free to participate in this forum. Orientation's trivial. We're all homo sapiens before anything else. Each of us has to determine what's serious enough to be unforgivable in a relationship.
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  #134  
Old 04-27-2017, 04:48 PM
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I'd be mad as hell. Break up. Cheating is not forgivable for me.
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  #135  
Old 06-08-2017, 03:29 PM
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I think most men might understand considering women's sexuality is seen as "more fluid" if you will, than men's. My boyfriend is currently in county jail, and I don't see him doing anything like that. He's never been into men, and probably never will be.
As a bisexual female, I do know that women's sexuality is seen as more fluid though. To each their own.
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  #136  
Old 06-09-2017, 07:43 AM
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I think most men might understand considering women's sexuality is seen as "more fluid" if you will, than men's. My boyfriend is currently in county jail, and I don't see him doing anything like that. He's never been into men, and probably never will be.
As a bisexual female, I do know that women's sexuality is seen as more fluid though. To each their own.
I haven't asked my wife if she's bi or gay for the stay. Either way, she had a relationship she needed. I read someplace that if you ask a straight guy if he's ever thought about having a homosexual experience you'll probably receive a strongly negative answer. Ask a straight woman and she probably won't get angry because she's probably thought about it whether she considered acting on it or not.

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  #137  
Old 06-11-2017, 09:18 AM
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I think most men might understand considering women's sexuality is seen as "more fluid" if you will, than men's. My boyfriend is currently in county jail, and I don't see him doing anything like that. He's never been into men, and probably never will be.
As a bisexual female, I do know that women's sexuality is seen as more fluid though. To each their own.
More fluid, or just more acceptable to talk about?

I'm not entirely convinced that homosexuality/bisexuality is any less prevalent amongst males than it is with females, considering how much gay sex I heard about (or stumbled upon -- YIKES!) just the short while I was locked up.

Considering how popular even woman-on-woman porn is in this still-quite-male-dominated world we find ourselves in, I think female same-sex relations have long tended to be less taboo than male-on-male. But that doesn't necessarily make it more common.

Regardless, even if your LO claims to not have ever cheated or had sex with anyone else on the inside, having them tested for diseases when they get out should go without say, regardless. I, for one, was completely abstinent the whole time I was down, but even I had myself tested (by giving blood, since they screen for diseases there) just to make sure I hadn't picked up anything, as prison isn't exactly the most sterile environment, and there are often multiple ways of contracting a disease.
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  #138  
Old 06-12-2017, 04:41 AM
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I wouldn't really want to know as long as she wants to tell me.. What happens inside I believe should stay inside. My love for her wont change and as long as it doesn't jeopardize our marriage and family.
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  #139  
Old 06-22-2017, 05:50 AM
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I told my LO she could find a female companion for sexual and emotional comfort while locked up but she said I'm the only person she wants and the only thing she needs to be comfortable is to hear my voice and read my letters and to know that she has my love. She has had relations with a female before but she doesn't want to take any chances of getting in trouble and being forced to be away from each other any longer than absolutely nessecary.
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  #140  
Old 09-20-2017, 07:23 PM
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Not sure how I would handle it. I mean I want her to be comfortable and I know she has needs
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  #141  
Old 10-09-2017, 05:03 PM
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if we're talking about just sex, I wouldn't have a problem with my LO having sex with a girl on the outside, in fact I'd love it! So I wouldn't have a problem with my LO having sex with another inmate on the inside. Falling in love though is an entirely different thing however. Maybe I just think differently, but I'd be far more hurt by my girl falling totally in love with another woman, than if she had sex with a bunch of guys she couldn't care less about or even bother to remember their names.
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  #142  
Old 10-11-2017, 10:39 AM
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if we're talking about just sex, I wouldn't have a problem with my LO having sex with a girl on the outside, in fact I'd love it! So I wouldn't have a problem with my LO having sex with another inmate on the inside. Falling in love though is an entirely different thing however. Maybe I just think differently, but I'd be far more hurt by my girl falling totally in love with another woman, than if she had sex with a bunch of guys she couldn't care less about or even bother to remember their names.
Learning that my wife was seriously in love with another inmate for a long time was hard to take. I've gotten past it bothering me. I accept that she needs affection I can't give her.
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  #143  
Old 10-11-2017, 10:54 AM
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One lesson I am quickly learning about the World of Prison is that all the rules are off, they change, this is not the nice, kind, refined place I am accustomed to living in.

The first thing you learn about Planet Prison is societal rules are different. The second is, they keep changing.

It has been a hard lesson for me.


Imagine what it's like for inmates!

I am shocked myself that inmates are ..excuse me...exploited by COs for sex, even drug deals.

Or they seek them out.

I know many are criminals, they hurt others -- but even in the Bible (am not religious), Jesus advised kindness to those in prison, and he was hung with 2 murderers, (I think...not religious, sorry)...and forgave those who were murdering Him. "they know not what they do(any Bible expert who wants to correct me on these things, please feel free, but I did grow up among very sincere Baptists, so I know just a little Bible, just please don't debate this topic on this thread, go to the Bible Study here, please..)

Jesus wasn't your ordinary 21st century guy. If you turn the other cheek, it will be given the same treatment as the first one.

So to address this issue: it seems to me that an inmate must pull on inner strength and peace to get thru this. Yes, other people can affect your behavior, but you are the Mistress of Master of your Fate. Most of the time. It might be difficult, but he needs to be a good actor, pretend he is does not care, act kind of zombie, sit in his cell reading alot (I recently heard a story on NPR about man in prison who did just that, he was known as a kind of Bookworm,so they left him alone).


Free World CITIZENS like us are Mistresses/Masters of our Fate. Inmates are SUBJECTS of the state without power, protection or rights. The 13th Amendment's pretty clear about that.

So if your SO can just somehow avoid the occasion to be around opportunities for being sexually approached, that is one thing that can be done.

Suppose your wife or husband, who has normal human needs, will never be able to come home or even be able to be alone with you. Suppose s/he meets someone who has the same needs and needs the same satisfaction on every level. In the Free World you either find ways to satisfy those needs or go your separate ways to find someone to satisfy them. That's impossible for the subjects of Planet Prison. Their choice is suffer or not suffer. My inmate wife put me through a serious attitude adjustment. It hurt but I'm realizing I would probably have found someone inside if our positions had been reversed.

Sure, probably would be better if none of this were true, but prison is lonely and boring, people need touch...there you are.

Here I am. There she is. We can't be together in the Free World sense but I don't want to be more apart than we are and neither does she.

Not sure if any of my post is useful, just throw in cylinder file if need be, but I do feel for your situation. peace, Luna

Thanks for taking time to write and share your thoughts, Luna.
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  #144  
Old 11-05-2017, 05:09 PM
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to clarify where I stand on the issue, I'm just now beginning to get stories of her lesbian experiences, before and during being locked up. It got me worked up bad - as in, can't walk because my pants got too tight - bad

Can't wait for the next installment of stories. It's like (for us older guys) reading the sex stories in Penthouse magazine...the "Forum" section. So I don't think I could be more supportive of her having sex with other women!

The *only* problem would be is she stopped calling and writing because of emotional love with another woman, and in that case it don't matter if it's a man or woman, that's gonna hurt.
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  #145  
Old 11-05-2017, 05:14 PM
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to clarify where I stand on the issue, I'm just now beginning to get stories of her lesbian experiences, before and during being locked up. It got me worked up bad - as in, can't walk because my pants got too tight - bad

Can't wait for the next installment of stories. It's like (for us older guys) reading the sex stories in Penthouse magazine...the "Forum" section. So I don't think I could be more supportive of her having sex with other women!

The *only* problem would be is she stopped calling and writing because of emotional love with another woman, and in that case it don't matter if it's a man or woman, that's gonna hurt.
In or out it would have been completely OVER!!!
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  #146  
Old 11-05-2017, 09:07 PM
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to clarify where I stand on the issue, I'm just now beginning to get stories of her lesbian experiences, before and during being locked up. It got me worked up bad - as in, can't walk because my pants got too tight - bad

Can't wait for the next installment of stories. It's like (for us older guys) reading the sex stories in Penthouse magazine...the "Forum" section. So I don't think I could be more supportive of her having sex with other women!

The *only* problem would be is she stopped calling and writing because of emotional love with another woman, and in that case it don't matter if it's a man or woman, that's gonna hurt.
So your ok with her cheating with other women because it turns you on but if shr gets attached your heart would be broken??? It should already be broken....shes cheating on you man. She betraying your relationship.
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Old 11-05-2017, 09:26 PM
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Infidelity means very different things to different people, and it also may have differing importance depending where you are in your relationship. Things that would have been deal-breakers in the first 10 years aren't so much the same after 35 years. Also what counts as infidelity is a matter for each couple to work out - is it sex, and if so what amount? or is it love? There are so many gradations... It's fine for each of us to express our thoughts and beliefs, but I don't think any of us knows what's right for another couple, provided that they are acting with mutual regard and thoughtfulness.
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Old 11-06-2017, 01:23 PM
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Infidelity means very different things to different people, and it also may have differing importance depending where you are in your relationship. Things that would have been deal-breakers in the first 10 years aren't so much the same after 35 years. Also what counts as infidelity is a matter for each couple to work out - is it sex, and if so what amount? or is it love? There are so many gradations... It's fine for each of us to express our thoughts and beliefs, but I don't think any of us knows what's right for another couple, provided that they are acting with mutual regard and thoughtfulness.
I do think every couple in this situation has their own level of expectation. If it's zero tolerance and that works for both parties, that is totally awesome. In Dee and mine's case she had discretion to do what she wanted to do, the proviso being that she not keep it a secret and that if there was an issue with our relationship or a concern because of it that we would talk about it.

While I was pretty confident our relationship would survive prison, I knew it was going to take some patience, an open mind, and a degree of support that she was afraid of losing. Sometimes love is undividable loyalty with no exceptions. Sometimes love is proving that you'll stick around no matter what.

In our case, our relationship is stronger for having taken this approach and in fact solidified. But, without writing a novel about it all, I took the approach because I knew her and knew what she needed and didn't need.

That would not be the case for others. And that is fine. I've had this discussion quite a few times with others over the years and while I don't agree that their takes would have worked best for Dee and myself, I understand they're coming from a good place and that their own relationships are strong as well. Sometimes it's a matter of agree to disagree

I will say this though...the idea of Dee with other women didn't exactly create fantasies for me. Maybe it's because that's not really my thing....and maybe it's because I myself didn't feel an attraction toward the women she was housed with (in fact one discussion we had is that if we were single men competing for the same dating pool we wouldn't have conflict because we have completely different taste in women....LOL!) So I admit to kind of scratching my head to that aspect, but again...what works for some doesn't work for others
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Old 11-06-2017, 05:16 PM
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There's no one-size-fits-all solution. Each couple has to negotiate something that works for them.
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Old 11-15-2017, 11:05 AM
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One size does NOT fit all. My gf is bi, so the possibility that she might have sex with another inmate is there. I'd be ok with that but she says NO...not now...not when she's with me. She says she's loyal and I appreciate that. What I don't like is sex with the COs. I find that a horrible breach of ethics on the part of the COs and a dereliction of duty. We don't pay them to be gigolos. Some will be ok with that, I'm not. I'm prior military and that kind of behavior was punishable by UCMJ and I absolutely think it's disgusting. Then again, my attitude might change depending on the length of the sentence. I'm staying celibate. She offered at one point for me to hire an escort but has since rescinded that offer as we got closer. So...what's good for the goose...right? Each couple HAS to decide that for themselves. Anything done behind the other's back is not a good thing and if it's done...they should separate. I hide nothing. I appreiciate honesty.
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