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LGBTQ+ People in Prison For anyone that has a same sex partner, family member, friend or Pen Pal in prison that is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, Pansexual, or Omnisexual

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  #1  
Old 06-27-2020, 05:46 PM
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What if you had a wife who went to prison and you found out she had a prison family and possibly had sex even oral. Is this because of the stress of prison and losing everything or a true cheating situation? Trying to be fair and understanding ...
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Old 06-27-2020, 05:57 PM
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Only you can decide it if's a "true" cheating situation. Your feelings about it matter and the communication between the two of you discussing it is the only thing that can resolve it.
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Old 06-27-2020, 09:54 PM
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Only you can decide it if's a "true" cheating situation. Your feelings about it matter and the communication between the two of you discussing it is the only thing that can resolve it.
This, absolutely. Also, it may be worth considering that it's very common (in my experience) for women in prison to have 'family' groups. Often there is also a maternal/sisterly bond, companionship and group protection.

The sexual component is something that you will need to discuss and come to your own conclusions on. But please don't feel you are alone in this, there are many here who will connect with your experience. Good luck.
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Old 07-02-2020, 02:44 PM
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This, absolutely. Also, it may be worth considering that it's very common (in my experience) for women in prison to have 'family' groups. Often there is also a maternal/sisterly bond, companionship and group protection.

The sexual component is something that you will need to discuss and come to your own conclusions on. But please don't feel you are alone in this, there are many here who will connect with your experience. Good luck.

I hate to sound snobbish and sanctimonious but we are both from families that are so far right it often made us both insane. I can't even believe she could do this to us, and that sex was so more important to her than loyalty. I was on the outside and was loyal, she is true boy butch and said she was harassed every day by 1400 women all flashing her and saying sexual stuff that she could never be loyal. I was not in the same situation, but I had the freedom to be with someone in a romantic situation and I didn't.
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Old 07-02-2020, 03:05 PM
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Life is full of opportunities to "stray", so prison isn't unique. She decided to cheat, and is attempting to justify her actions to both you and her. It isn't that much different than if you had decided to be with someone else rather than saying no.
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Old 07-02-2020, 03:25 PM
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I'm pretty stupid when it comes to prison life and things "they do" but as a girlfriend of a prisoner I think I would not be happy in a situation like this. I have heard about "gay for the stay" but this is a not enough explanation/excuse for me. That's just me though... I understand everyone has their needs and stuff... so do you I guess... but prison is not a "joker" to do what you want.
Maybe it's something they "need" to do to be "accepted" but I'd be pissed to be honest.
Having someone you love (and even married to) going to prison and then behaving like that would be a double-betrayel in my book.
But that's just me... I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and what you might have discussed beforehand but I would not like that and probably get out of that kind of relationship.
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Old 07-02-2020, 04:05 PM
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Personally, i would second what Mizzy said. A marriage or relationship breaker for me would be the cheating spouse kind. That's one thing that i would not tolerate nor subject myself to, nor would i do it to someone else.
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Old 07-02-2020, 11:18 PM
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Personally, i would second what Mizzy said. A marriage or relationship breaker for me would be the cheating spouse kind. That's one thing that i would not tolerate nor subject myself to, nor would i do it to someone else.
Absolutely. For the record OP, I'm a soft butch and my partner is femme - I don't actually think makes a difference at all in how we treat the people we love. For my partner and I activity outside our relationship is a dealbreaker. I was just making the point that in a womens prison 'family' has many different connotations. You'll find this topic a not so unusual at PTO, the Husbands and Boyfriends forum is chock with excellent advice that's just as relevant. Best of luck
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Old 07-04-2020, 01:50 PM
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I know things happen in jail. I trust my guy no matter where we are. Our relationship us built on trust, respect and honesty. If someone is gonna cheat, either in prison or out in the streets...they won't tell. Not saying it's ok to cheat in any way. I just know I would not be able to deal with knowing that. Since this pandemic and being in a state that's been on serios lock down, I get the need to have social contact. I've been her all by myself. I wanted to socialize too but having sex with someone else was never a thought. It may be a bit different because we are guys. But I don't think so....����
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Old 07-04-2020, 09:24 PM
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One of these days, people will stop giving excuses for shit behavior. Cheating is a sign of a weakness and a clear indication your relationship is going into the tubes of ruin. There is... limited choices in prison. If they cheat on the inside, and you buy excuses of prison or loneliness or lack of physical contact, bet the farm you'll be a fifth wheel when they come home.
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Old 07-22-2020, 08:47 AM
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One of these days, people will stop giving excuses for shit behavior. Cheating is a sign of a weakness and a clear indication your relationship is going into the tubes of ruin. There is... limited choices in prison. If they cheat on the inside, and you buy excuses of prison or loneliness or lack of physical contact, bet the farm you'll be a fifth wheel when they come home.

Not to be argumentative but "cheating" is what a couple agrees it is. My wife defines our relationship as three separate spaces; her life, my life and our life. We live separate lives because the system makes us. We have no secrets from each other about what we do in our separate lives. Being with others isn't cheating to us.
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Old 08-21-2020, 10:33 PM
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Not to be argumentative but "cheating" is what a couple agrees it is. My wife defines our relationship as three separate spaces; her life, my life and our life. We live separate lives because the system makes us. We have no secrets from each other about what we do in our separate lives. Being with others isn't cheating to us.
That's good for you. You're putting a lot of emphasis on what the system makes you do. I choose to not let them. Number of women I've been with in the last 20 years. One. Not feeling you on that comment Wilkes. Sharing intimate feelings with anyone else makes me nauseous. Also, my comment was based on the OPs feelings, which she clearly states she was betrayed and very hurt. Wasn't that the point of this thread? I don't care what couples do in their own relationship, but if you look at past posts, you are in the minority.

Last edited by Visitor611; 08-21-2020 at 10:42 PM..
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Old 08-23-2020, 11:51 AM
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That's good for you. You're putting a lot of emphasis on what the system makes you do. I choose to not let them. Number of women I've been with in the last 20 years. One. Not feeling you on that comment Wilkes. Sharing intimate feelings with anyone else makes me nauseous. Also, my comment was based on the OPs feelings, which she clearly states she was betrayed and very hurt. Wasn't that the point of this thread? I don't care what couples do in their own relationship, but if you look at past posts, you are in the minority.

We recognize the constraints the system puts us under and do what we can. I don't mind being in the minority. We all have to get along as best we can. I never advocated that anyone else adopt the solution we have. Every couple has to do what works for them.
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Old 08-23-2020, 04:32 PM
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We recognize the constraints the system puts us under and do what we can. I don't mind being in the minority. We all have to get along as best we can. I never advocated that anyone else adopt the solution we have. Every couple has to do what works for them.
Your comment absolutely was directed at me because you felt some type of way on my own opinion what a marriage should be. Share yourself with 30 people. Why would I care? If giving a piece of yourself to other people floats your boat, by all means, float away. I'm going to guess the person who created this thread whole heartedly disagrees.
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Old 07-22-2020, 11:29 AM
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I agree relationships come in all shapes and sizes. No one should try and impose their beliefs on others. Some couples have open relationships by choice others are completely monogamous in all situations. Itís up to each couple to agree what will work for them.
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Old 08-21-2020, 03:54 PM
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I agree relationships come in all shapes and sizes. No one should try and impose their beliefs on others. Some couples have open relationships by choice others are completely monogamous in all situations. Itís up to each couple to agree what will work for them.

Relationships need to be negotiated. Whatever works for a couple id right for them.
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Old 08-23-2020, 05:20 PM
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Visitor,


I forgot to mention. because of the cheating and trust issues related with cheating it's taken me twenty years to be able to trust and love another man. And i take my marriage seriously. I'm not making excuses for wilks nor would i want to. I'm just learning that everyone's different. and in saying that i'm not a conformist and would never do anything to hurt my husband. I would rather be celibate and faithful then go out and have sex with strangers and jeopardize my marriage.
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Old 08-23-2020, 10:47 PM
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Visitor,


I forgot to mention. because of the cheating and trust issues related with cheating it's taken me twenty years to be able to trust and love another man. And i take my marriage seriously. I'm not making excuses for wilks nor would i want to. I'm just learning that everyone's different. and in saying that i'm not a conformist and would never do anything to hurt my husband. I would rather be celibate and faithful then go out and have sex with strangers and jeopardize my marriage.
There wasn't any reference in this thread that was asking for opinions on what is considered cheating. How many hundreds of people that have come and gone on here had their insides ripped out when they found out their LO was involved with someone else. The worst thing we do, is give people excuses for getting treated badly in the name of "love". How much worse can it get for us on the outside? They can't keep their shit together inside a prison? We aren't good enough for those people to not have sex with another inmate or CO? OP was devastated. Thus my responses. It happens ALL THE TIME here. That response with underlines words and passive aggressive "not to be argumentative" was unnecessary. Wilkes relationship workings wasnt the topic. Don't need to defend something when it wasn't under attack.
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Old 08-24-2020, 01:21 AM
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There wasn't any reference in this thread that was asking for opinions on what is considered cheating. How many hundreds of people that have come and gone on here had their insides ripped out when they found out their LO was involved with someone else. The worst thing we do, is give people excuses for getting treated badly in the name of "love". How much worse can it get for us on the outside? They can't keep their shit together inside a prison? We aren't good enough for those people to not have sex with another inmate or CO? OP was devastated. Thus my responses. It happens ALL THE TIME here. That response with underlines words and passive aggressive "not to be argumentative" was unnecessary. Wilkes relationship workings wasnt the topic. Don't need to defend something when it wasn't under attack.

From the way i read your last response to him I was under the impression that you took it as a personal attack. I didn't see it that way so i commented, excuse me if i miss read.


And regarding prisoners having sex or extra marital relationships in prison just because they're locked up is no excuse. If they're married then they're married. If they no longer wish to be faithful then they should say so and get a divorce. There shouldn't be any excuses if you're married to cheat. Prison or no prison.

Last edited by Born; 08-24-2020 at 01:26 AM..
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Old 08-24-2020, 06:37 AM
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OP I am very sorry for what has happened. At the end of the day, it is what you consider cheating and what decisions you have made as a couple. cheating happens inside and outside of prison.

I know you're partly looking for excuses to excuse the behavior and the other part of you feels it is so wrong. I am guessing you were accused of over reacting or they may have given you the it is so hard speech etc.

Only you can decide what you can live with. You may need to reframe your relationship if you feel it is worth holding on too, but remember it is a 2 way street. One is good for one is good for the other.

If this is a betrayal you cannot move passed, then you need to rethink the relationship. Don't feel guilty if you disagree with it.
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