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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #26  
Old 01-14-2018, 08:26 PM
torieoo torieoo is online now
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Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
I'll tell you what I didn't do but would do if faced with your situation again - I'd wait, without making any sort of positive moves on the relationship, until he's out of any drug program for a year. Then I'd evaluate what sort of progress he's made, and then decide if a relationship is actually worth salvaging.

But.....knowing what I know now, I'd actually probably give it up, because the odds are 90-10 against him staying clean, and I would never tie myself to an addict again. It's just too dangerous and stressful.


I feel like thatís kind of what Iím doing. Iím just kind of seeing how all of this is playing out. I told him if heís serious about getting clean and takes this seriously then Iíll be there for him but Iím not about to go thru ANOTHER jail sentence just for him to come out and do it again
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  #27  
Old 01-14-2018, 08:27 PM
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Thank you everyone so much. It’s been an emotional two days. I ended up going up to his house two hours away on Saturday night to find out what was really going on since he doesn’t have a phone currently, it’s still in police custody and he doesn’t know when he’s getting it back (does anyone know how long that usually takes?) . From what he told me it was 100% a setup but he was still in the wrong because he still had stuff on him. He showed me the papers he got with the charges and police report and he said they’re most likely going to offer him a drug program to do since he’s still using and the charges weren’t as bad as i was told they were. I however, looking at the negative side of things asked him what if they don’t offer you that and he said he would only do a couple months in jail. He has to go back to the bail bondsman tomorrow and has his preliminary hearing on Wednesday. I still don’t know what to think or how I’m even processing it. He says he’s ready to get clean and do the program, and i watched him withdraw all day today. I just don’t know what to do. My mind is racing a million miles a minute and not being able to talk to him on the phone is driving me nuts
As I said earlier, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Things aren't always black and white. You see his struggle and it may be lifetime. Can you handle That?
I didn't know mine was detoxing when he first went to jail. He denied it like crazy. He made a choice to get clean when shit hit the fan. He has stayed clean. I can tell the difference. He will talk about it now. I do worry about later, but he is open to doing anything including therapy. He'll do whatever programs he has to on parole. At this point, I know it is not jail talk. Took a long time to clear out the weeds, the humiliation, self loathing, etc.

For him, loved in spite of his flaws has given him strength. He felt he didnt have much to live for, so he didn't care.

Hopefully for your guy, this was the wake up call. Hopefully, his family is on board and stops the excuses. In the end, he has to want it. He has to get raw and real with himself. He has to learn to trust others to help and not judge. He has to learn to trust himself, face triggers and his demons. It is not simple. It is not a quick fix.

I'll pray for him and for you.

Just take your time. You love him. You can support him. You cannot save him though. He has to save himself, but cannot do it alone either. It is not your responsibility either. Like I said, no clear answers.
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  #28  
Old 01-14-2018, 08:34 PM
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As I said earlier, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Things aren't always black and white. You see his struggle and it may be lifetime. Can you handle That?

I didn't know mine was detoxing when he first went to jail. He denied it like crazy. He made a choice to get clean when shit hit the fan. He has stayed clean. I can tell the difference. He will talk about it now. I do worry about later, but he is item to doing anything including therapy. He'll do whatever programs he has to on parole. At this point, I know it is not jail talk. Took a long time to clear out the weeds, the humiliation, self loathing, etc.



For him, loved in spite of his flaws has given him strength. He felt he didnt have much to live for, so he didn't care.



Hopefully for your guy, this was the wake up call. Hopefully, his family is on board and stops the excuses. In the end, he has to want it. He has to get raw and real with himself. He has to learn to trust others to help and not judge. He has to learn to trust himself, face triggers and his demons. It is not simple. It is not a quick fix.



I'll pray for him and for you.



Just take your time. You love him. You can support him. You cannot save him though. He has to save himself, but cannot do it alone either. It is not your responsibility either. Like I said, no clear answers.


You are right. Which is what Iíve always told him. And sometimes it comes off as if Iím doubting him ,but thatís because heís told me before that he was tired of getting high but still did it. Iím hoping this is his low and he claims it is. He basically hysterically cried to me last night begging for me to help him because he didnít want to do this alone and he was tired of waking up and feeling the way he does from using. Heís amazing when heís sober, but like you said i cannot Save him and HE has to want it. I guess Iíll just see what happens. I had plans to go up there for a week next month but i donít even know if i should do that. Heís confident heís not going to have to do time, but i just canít trust that until i see that itís actually the case. I donít want to get my hopes up just to be crushed again. Im praying tomorrow is a better day and that he hopefully gets his phone back so i can at least communicate with him
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  #29  
Old 01-14-2018, 08:40 PM
onedayatatime13 onedayatatime13 is online now
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You are right. Which is what Iíve always told him. And sometimes it comes off as if Iím doubting him ,but thatís because heís told me before that he was tired of getting high but still did it. Iím hoping this is his low and he claims it is. He basically hysterically cried to me last night begging for me to help him because he didnít want to do this alone and he was tired of waking up and feeling the way he does from using. Heís amazing when heís sober, but like you said i cannot Save him and HE has to want it. I guess Iíll just see what happens. I had plans to go up there for a week next month but i donít even know if i should do that. Heís confident heís not going to have to do time, but i just canít trust that until i see that itís actually the case. I donít want to get my hopes up just to be crushed again. Im praying tomorrow is a better day and that he hopefully gets his phone back so i can at least communicate with him
The unknown is the worst. Actions do speak louder than words. Yes, in this situation, it is more difficult for them to show you, but there are still ways. Open communication first and foremost. I know when to push and when to stop. I get very pie in the sky at times and he cannot handle it.

Control issues are a major factor. Self worth issues etc. It is all mental health related. I watched a video once about addiction and it shifted me a bit. Regardless of what one does, in the moment rhey want to feel good. Those with healthy coping mechanisms make different choices. Other want to run , feel high, or numb themselves only to regret their choices. It speaks to impulse control as well and not thinking about consequences.

Educate yourself on addiction. There are interesting Ted talks to listen to. I look at all perspectives and take what makes sense to me. I'm always around if you want to PM.
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  #30  
Old 01-14-2018, 08:48 PM
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The unknown is the worst. Actions do speak louder than words. Yes, in this situation, it is more difficult for them to show you, but there are still ways. Open communication first and foremost. I know when to push and when to stop. I get very pie in the sky at times and he cannot handle it.



Control issues are a major factor. Self worth issues etc. It is all mental health related. I watched a video once about addiction and it shifted me a bit. Regardless of what one does, in the moment rhey want to feel good. Those with healthy coping mechanisms make different choices. Other want to run , feel high, or numb themselves only to regret their choices. It speaks to impulse control as well and not thinking about consequences.



Educate yourself on addiction. There are interesting Ted talks to listen to. I look at all perspectives and take what makes sense to me. I'm always around if you want to PM.


Exactly and being two hours from eachother i ALWAYS assume the worst. Itís just what my brain does. For instance, Iím so upset because he doesnít have his phone so Iím throwing myself a pity party and my friend told me it could be SO much worse, he could actually be in jail right now. And sheís right, i need to look at the positives in life. Itís just very hard in this situation because i donít want to be let down more than i am right now by him. He has a lot of health issues, so heíd choose to get high to take away that pain and watching him today i felt bad because i wish he didnít have to go thru it but at the same time Iím like you have to embrace this in order to make the changes in life that you want. I definitely need to educate myself on addiction and my friend has suggested i go to a counselor on how to deal with loving someone who has an addiction. Thank you, i appreciate you being so open and offering the advice you have. I will definitely take you up on the PM offer soon !
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  #31  
Old 01-14-2018, 09:03 PM
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Don't just educate yourself about addiction, go to some AlAnon or NarAnon meetings to start creating a good safety net for yourself.
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Old Yesterday, 08:25 AM
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Nim just said what I was going to. Get yourself to an Nar a non meeting.
Alanon is ok too but Naranon.
http://www.nar-anon.org/
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Old Yesterday, 09:49 AM
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Thank you both very much. I will definitely look into it!
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Old Yesterday, 11:48 AM
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I feel like that’s kind of what I’m doing. I’m just kind of seeing how all of this is playing out. I told him if he’s serious about getting clean and takes this seriously then I’ll be there for him but I’m not about to go thru ANOTHER jail sentence just for him to come out and do it again
Well it doesn’t exactly work that way as you’ve probably discovered. Neither of you will really know how committed he is to staying clean until after you stick out this possible prison bid with him and he’s released. You’re going to have to make this decision for you, based on you, not on whatever words he throws at you....because there are no refunds on broken promises and a broken heart and wasted time.

I definitely would keep an ear out for how the whole legal process turns out, but let’s be real: he probably wasn’t out doing missionary work at an orphanage when he was reportedly set up. Sure, people set other people up...people who if he was changing his ways, he wouldn’t have himself around. My boyfriend was essentially innocent of what he was arrested for, but he was high, had drugs in the car when he was arrested, and running around with other dope users, so innocent or guilty really makes no difference when judging his character and choices at the time.
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Old Yesterday, 12:56 PM
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torieoo, I second what Weeping Willow said - he wasn't doing missionary work!

You're already setting yourself up to go through 'just a couple of months of jail' with him to see how it will come out. Why are you investing that time? He was where he shouldn't be, holding something he shouldn't hold, with people he shouldn't hang with. How much more do you need to know?

Tell him to contact you when he's a lot more secure in his sobriety, AFTER all this fallout that you don't need to go through with him, AFTER jail or prison that you don't need to go through with him, AFTER he does rehab, which you can't go through with him.

If you keep being there cheering him on, you're going to find out that he will never hit bottom, because he will always have you to fall on. Bottom is when you've got nothing left, but as long as he has you he has something.
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Old Today, 05:31 PM
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Thank you all so much for the advice. Just a little update for all of you - He went to hospital last night and checked himself into a rehab today. I donít know how long heíll be there or what this even means for his court case, Iím so lost when it comes to stuff like that. Iím hoping for the best, but Iím always keeping my distance. Iím praying this is his reality check, but who knows until he finishes the program heís in.
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Old Today, 07:09 PM
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Thank you all so much for the advice. Just a little update for all of you - He went to hospital last night and checked himself into a rehab today. I donít know how long heíll be there or what this even means for his court case, Iím so lost when it comes to stuff like that. Iím hoping for the best, but Iím always keeping my distance. Iím praying this is his reality check, but who knows until he finishes the program heís in.
Glad he checked into a program but just know that it won't keep him from going to prison. I wish you both the very best.
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Old Today, 07:29 PM
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Thank you all so much for the advice. Just a little update for all of you - He went to hospital last night and checked himself into a rehab today. I donít know how long heíll be there or what this even means for his court case, Iím so lost when it comes to stuff like that. Iím hoping for the best, but Iím always keeping my distance. Iím praying this is his reality check, but who knows until he finishes the program heís in.
Positive step, especially if he made the choice himself. It may not save him from going back, but it may save his life. Things happen for a reason and I hope he is able to find himself through all of this.

As you find yourself in panic states, know he is where he needs to be right now. They can help him more than anyone else.
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