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Old 11-07-2019, 09:02 PM
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Default I left hoping for peace

I have shared my story here over the years. Around 6-7 years ago I thought leaving I would get some level of peace and serenity. I have fought hard for that. For 2 years after I left until he took his own life he tormented me and my girls.

I will never forget the day that I got that phone call and I know there is a post on here around that day. Again. I thought to myself, "Do I finally get peace?" His torment comes now in the form of our daughter. My daughter 13 years old who refuses to go to therapy, refuses any mental health assistance. She is manipulative, gaslights me all the time, she goes to school and lies about our home and our family having multiple unfounded CPS cases (the first initially incited by her father, telling her if she wanted to live with daddy she needed to go to school the next day and tell EVERYONE that mommy hits her and grandpa molests her). Disgusting. That was the only place we had to live after leaving him before getting on my feet. It feels like it never ends. When he took his life my poor baby lost it. I saw her turn more towards darkness. This has been the hardest road. When I think healing happens I feel dragged but down by my child who is haunted by a person no longer here. She does whatever she wants and no one does anything. Not the school, and she's missed most of the year! They ask me what I am doing!?!!? Anytime I schedule a therapy appointment or assessment, even if I don't tell her about it, she runs away. It's insanity. She is so manipulative, she lies about everything. She now has court in a week. I am writing this because I feel so incredibly alone. I feel triggered and even though I go to therapy every week I Feel hopeless because there's no help. My hope is to get her inpatient somewhere but she's good, she knows what to say and what not to say.

I guess I wondered if anyone else ever experienced this with their children? Totally resistant or defiant? Just making it like everything you went through with your partner. The only thing she hasn't done yet is hit me...and I don't think that's far from happening. She has gotten in my face, threatened me, told me she hopes I die. I am sad to share this. I worked hard and continue to work hard to provide a space of hope, guidance, light and love for my children to thrive.
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Old 11-07-2019, 09:36 PM
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Oh, hun. This must be so incredibly difficult.

As you know I don't have children. But we have a family friend who is raising her grandchildren and she has a 13yo grand daughter that you just described to a T-- except she has hit/physically fought her grandma. She's stolen, runaway, wrote manifestos that would scare anyone, she's cut. Grandma has taken her from pillar to post as far as counseling and she refuses to speak.

Last week she swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. It wasn't fatal but, of course, it made her quite ill. That got her a ticket to the ER and a 72 hour hold in the pediatric psych. From there they transported her to Portland for inpatient. From what I'm hearing (as I type, mom is talking to grandma), this is the first time grand daughter is cooperating. I don't know if she's tired or scared, but something cracked her facade enough to accept help.

That doesn't help you in any functional way, but I do want you to know you're not alone. There are other folks out here with children in their lives who are going through similiar things and there is help. How to get to that point...I don't know. Obviously the way this family did wasn't ideal.

I'm sending you big hugs. We're always here to listen.
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Old 11-07-2019, 10:24 PM
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As a mother of two adult children and one 17 year old my heart goes out to you. Are you near Portland at all, I have a few resources in the Portland area.
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Old 11-07-2019, 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Kimimi View Post
As a mother of two adult children and one 17 year old my heart goes out to you. Are you near Portland at all, I have a few resources in the Portland area.
I'm not, unfortunately. There were a lot of great resources in Oregon and I am no longer residing there. I am in Nevada where it seems there are few resources to support parents who are going through this. It's a bit unnerving.
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Old 11-08-2019, 06:57 AM
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I have no advice for you. My heart breaks that you are still dealing with the fallout caused by this man, even after he's dead. My heart breaks that your daughter is living (and NOT dealing with) the fallout.

All I can do is offer emotional support. At 13, I believe she can be admitted into a lockdown clinic without her consent (not sure about where you are, in TX and OR, consent of the patient is required for those over 15). But that means finding a clinic and managing to get her there without her bolting.

I'm so sorry you're still dealing with this.
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Old 11-08-2019, 08:10 AM
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I hope she is able to get some help of some sort. And you as well. I know all to well about an out of control teenager. Unfortunately they grow into out of control adults if not helped.
I tried everything as well. Yelling, not talking, talking, pleading, crying, ignoring, loving in spite of the vitriol thrown back at me.
And of course it was all my fault.
It hurts. Still.
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