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  #1  
Old 03-10-2017, 09:28 PM
de8er de8er is offline
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Default Almost took drugs/Updated

I was real close to using. Measuring shit out, had it all ready to go but just couldn't go through with it. I don't know if it's the threat of my PO coming over at any random time, the fear of ending up back in federal court, disappointing my family, disappointing my attorney who worked so hard to get me my deal which kept me out of prison, or all the above but I ended up flushing it. Worst of it was that I was about to use the drug that ended me up in serious trouble in the first place. The irony.

I just feel lost. I should be so grateful for not being in prison but I instead I just feel so depressed, disappointed, sad, angry and lost. I'm glad I made the right decision though. Trying to take it day by day.

I don't need any replies, I just needed to get it out there.
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Old 03-10-2017, 11:13 PM
DaughterOfaKING DaughterOfaKING is offline
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You may feel weak, but that was one big win you just made.
Please know how strong you are.
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  #3  
Old 03-11-2017, 03:07 AM
Sean’sWife82 Sean’sWife82 is offline
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It's Awesome that you had the strength to flush the drugs! You mentioned not dissapointing others but try and do this for you. Prove to yourself that you are stronger than those drugs and you deserve better. I'm proud of you even though I don't know you. Continue to reach out, I wish you the best. Don't ever give up.
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Old 03-11-2017, 03:52 AM
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Well done for not using! Are you going to any meetings? Talking to a counsellor? All you can do is to take it one day at a time, but be sure to remember you do not need to do it by yourself....there is support available, out there and also in this community, please use it all, every single day.

Maybe you will find helpful information in our Drug&Alcohol Treatment& Rehabilitation forum HERE. Keep reading, keep posting, keep venting....you are not alone.
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Old 03-11-2017, 08:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by de8er View Post
I was real close to using. Measuring shit out,
My friend, where did you get the stuff? Don't answer here in this thread, of course, but rather, just a question for yourself.

If certain "friends" or acquaintances are offering you shit and pressuring you to use again, you really need to distance yourself from those relationships and try to find more positive role-models in your life.

Because allowing yourself to be exposed to constant temptation, knowing that you are an addict, will very likely eventually lead to your undoing.

Even if you don't opt for support groups or regular NA meetings, it might not hurt to seek out other hobbies or activities to occupy your time, meet some new friends, ANYTHING to keep your mind and body from going back to those dark places where you are tempted to abuse again.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost, always...
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Old 03-11-2017, 08:09 AM
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Kudos to you for choosing to flush and not use. I am hoping you are in some type of recovery program and choosing healthy people in your life that help you stay on the right path.

So, my question is, what will you do next time it is in front of you. As an addict, you are one thought away from using again. Please, make sure you reach out for help in keeping your thoughts and actions healthy and not do things that get you into trouble.

Stay strong and get a good, strong support system in place.
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Old 03-11-2017, 08:19 AM
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agree with what everyone has said so far.
Good for flushing it.
Please reach out. By that I mean get to a meeting (NA)
Get a sponsor. Make a phone call.
Stay away from others who are active in their drug use.
Get rid of any paraphenila. (spelling sorry)

When those thoughts of using start creeping in? RUN
Run from that negative thought. Make that phone call.
I even think they have hot lines if I recall.
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Old 03-11-2017, 10:34 AM
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Thank you for the support everyone, it means a lot to me. I know I made the right decision, but it was a battle. I've been having these thoughts for the last few weeks.

@Nickel Timer, thank you. You're absolutely right and that's my problem. I have weekly counseling, and I brought up this problem last time but the issue is I'm by myself the rest of the week. I've considered going to NA but haven't committed to that yet.

Truly, I appreciate every comment.
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Old 03-11-2017, 11:00 AM
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Going to NA will give you availability for a sponsor or helper. Instead of dealing with it when you are alone, if the urge to relapse reappears in the future, you can certainly benefit from having a support system in place. That will give you the option of being able to reach out for help when you need it most, not just when the next meeting is scheduled.

Be proud of how strong you were, but also plan to have reinforcements readily available if there is ever a next time.
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Old 03-11-2017, 12:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by de8er View Post
Thank you for the support everyone, it means a lot to me. I know I made the right decision, but it was a battle. I've been having these thoughts for the last few weeks.

@Nickel Timer, thank you. You're absolutely right and that's my problem. I have weekly counseling, and I brought up this problem last time but the issue is I'm by myself the rest of the week. I've considered going to NA but haven't committed to that yet.

Truly, I appreciate every comment.
if you're in weekly counseling, call your therapist. Weekly counseling is obviously not enough. Getting to the point that you're measuring out qualifies as an emergency call to your therapist. Call your therapist. Get an additional session going to address those things that make you want to use. If necessary, get into an inpatient program that will help you with staying away from the shit and give you the tools necessary to not use AND help you with your base level of depression as you go through this stuff.

You know where you are in all of this. If you need to check yourself into a facility, do it. It's much better than 1. going back to the FBOP, 2. suffering through extreme depression, 3. letting your depression talk you into crap moves that could cost you more than FBOP time.

NA is great for the purpose of talking about your addiction issues. It's also great for helping you develop a system of non-using friends dedicated to staying clean. But, you got to the point that you bought, weighed, prepared - call your therapist and come up with the best plan available to suit your needs. Getting to where you did is a symptom of your depression, isolation, loneliness, and stress - addiction is how you're dealing with those pains. You don't have to be there. Call your therapist. Ask for an additional session. Use it to come clean about your depression and what you need, the immediacy of your need for help. You need to work with your therapist to come up with a plan so that you don't get to this point again.

Good on you for flushing it down. Now, let's deal with pain that caused you to get to that point to begin with. You don't have to deal with that level of suffering, especially if you're going to stay clean and get mentally healthy.

True strength comes not from suffering, but from recognizing when you do not have to suffer and taking the steps necessary to prevent suffering.
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  #11  
Old 05-20-2020, 09:24 PM
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I don't come to this forum much any more because it's from a time in my life that frankly, I wish to forget.

It's been about a year and a half since I was released from federal supervision. Prior to my release, I did not go to meetings but now I wish I had. After being released, I went right back to using drugs and did so hardcore for about 6 months. I hit another bottom after those six months and got myself into the 12 step community. Unfortunately, while I had experienced that pitiful and incomprehensible during my time in the federal court system, that was not enough to keep me sober and I was always half in and half out in the rooms.

Eventually I hit another emotional bottom and went full steam into recovery. I celebrated a year earlier this month and for some reason, tonight I decided to look back at this forum and the threads I had written. This post caught my eye. I was reading what I wrote and I can see the pain that I was in. I understand that now to be the pain of untreated addiction. I didn't know who I was without drugs. I didn't know how to live my life or what it meant to live.

Your responses hit me so hard tonight. Especially that last response from yourself. Thank you for that. There is so much wisdom in that reply, I cannot begin to express how right you were. For anyone who struggled the way I struggled, that advice is spot on.

This forum holds a special place in my heart and was there when I thought I had no one else. I am so grateful for this place and everyone in it. You guys helped me through the toughest time in my life and you did it asking for nothing in return. Bless you all.
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Old 05-20-2020, 09:53 PM
YOGA62 YOGA62 is online now
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Default Congratulations to you

Congratulations to you in your sobriety. You should be very proud of yourself. Happy 1st year celebration and here's to many more. KEEP ON Keeping On!!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by de8er View Post
I don't come to this forum much any more because it's from a time in my life that frankly, I wish to forget.

It's been about a year and a half since I was released from federal supervision. Prior to my release, I did not go to meetings but now I wish I had. After being released, I went right back to using drugs and did so hardcore for about 6 months. I hit another bottom after those six months and got myself into the 12 step community. Unfortunately, while I had experienced that pitiful and incomprehensible during my time in the federal court system, that was not enough to keep me sober and I was always half in and half out in the rooms.

Eventually I hit another emotional bottom and went full steam into recovery. I celebrated a year earlier this month and for some reason, tonight I decided to look back at this forum and the threads I had written. This post caught my eye. I was reading what I wrote and I can see the pain that I was in. I understand that now to be the pain of untreated addiction. I didn't know who I was without drugs. I didn't know how to live my life or what it meant to live.

Your responses hit me so hard tonight. Especially that last response from yourself. Thank you for that. There is so much wisdom in that reply, I cannot begin to express how right you were. For anyone who struggled the way I struggled, that advice is spot on.

This forum holds a special place in my heart and was there when I thought I had no one else. I am so grateful for this place and everyone in it. You guys helped me through the toughest time in my life and you did it asking for nothing in return. Bless you all.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:02 AM
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Im so glad to see a post from you talking about how you are doing.
Especially glad to see you are in a much better place. Very glad.
I wish you all the best on your recovery. Its reading stories like yours that give me a glimmer of hope for those I am close to that have not reached their *bottom*


Good on you!
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:28 AM
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Well done for looking after yourself and your sobriety.
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Old 05-23-2020, 09:08 PM
YOGA62 YOGA62 is online now
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Default NA

NA would be a great support for you throughout the week. You may meet friends there too and people that are also working on their sobriety and an awesome future. Then when you want to call or reach out to someone, you have some sober people in your area to support you and to help each other. I hope you try NA. I have known people that have gone and also to AA and Alanon. Also, you don't have to "commit" to going to NA. You can go to a meeting and try it, no commitment. You can try a different meeting, different time, locations, different crowds at different locations, and find one that you like. Of course different people show up on various times and so it is always a variety of people....Happy Holiday!


Quote:
Originally Posted by de8er View Post
Thank you for the support everyone, it means a lot to me. I know I made the right decision, but it was a battle. I've been having these thoughts for the last few weeks.

@Nickel Timer, thank you. You're absolutely right and that's my problem. I have weekly counseling, and I brought up this problem last time but the issue is I'm by myself the rest of the week. I've considered going to NA but haven't committed to that yet.

Truly, I appreciate every comment.

Last edited by YOGA62; 05-23-2020 at 09:10 PM..
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Old 05-24-2020, 08:39 AM
de8er de8er is offline
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I'm immersed in a recovery community these days. I do a mix of AA and NA throughout the week, but go to a meeting every day. The rooms are what helped me get and stay sober. I couldn't do it alone.
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