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  #26  
Old 12-14-2017, 09:33 PM
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You said when you were first helping him it was done without any pressure from him. Do you realize he didnít need to pressure you for money then .. you were already giving it to him without pressure from him. Once you indicated reluctance to give him more he began laying on the pressure big time, so it seems heís not one bit averse to pressuring you. He also appears to have no problem whatsoever with treating someone who has given him at least $16,000 very badly. (Or maybe heís already forgotten about the $16K.) You say you have guilt for leaving him but his behavior to you was intolerable .. leaving him was the rational, sensible and self-empowering thing for you to do .. going back to him just basically undid all the good you did for yourself. Please remember that the BEST predictor of future behavior is PAST behavior. You didnít see him for several years and heís back to his old behavior? That should tell you all you need to know about his ability to ďchange.Ē The last thing you need to do is stick around longer for even more of the same.
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  #27  
Old 12-14-2017, 10:04 PM
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I read an article written by an ex-con in which he described how prisoners manipulate prison staff to get what they want. He said, over a period of time, he would just watch the CO’s to learn their weaknesses. In the beginning, the prisoner would ask for small things or favors, outside prison rules but easy for the CO to do for the prisoner, such as mail a letter for him, not going through the prison mail room. After a period of the CO doing “small things” for the prisoner, the prisoner had the CO in a compromised position, and would ask for more and bigger things/favors and if the CO balked at this the prisoner would threaten to report the CO to his superiors for the smaller things the CO had done for him.

I thought of this article when I read how your bf would start off asking for small things/amounts of money and gradually increase his demands. If your bf has been incarcerated for years, maybe he learned this sort of behavior in prison.
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Old 12-15-2017, 12:03 AM
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You donít have to write, you donít have to put money on the phones. Just stop....after a few times of you not answering the phone, no money on the phone or just plain blocking the calls, and no response to any letters, he will get the message.
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Old 12-15-2017, 04:58 AM
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You have ALL the answers you need in your own post. You do not need us to tell you your man aint right. My husband use to try to guilt trip me often. I stand firm most times which sends him mixed messages. But, now he knows I am not the one and he can miss me with the guilt trips. Doesn't mean he still doesn't try shit every now and then, but he knows when I am fed up it ain't nothing he can do but let me be. If he don't like it he can find himself another "prison wife".
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Old 12-20-2017, 09:45 AM
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you're in the power position, not him. the next time he treats you with anything but respect, put him on a 2 week "lockdown" - no calls, no letters, nothing. Absolutely nothing but silence from your end. Do not read any correspondence from him during that time - it'll just be full of angry hateful stuff that you don't need to see. Give him a "release date" and time when he can call you and you will answer. if he pulls it on you again, lock him down for 30 days.

silence is just about the most powerful weapon a human can use against another. that's why the SHU is torture. I've been cut off from people before and laughed at the "threat"...until I found the absolute non-responsiveness to be agony. I've done the same to people who really earned it, and was surprised that it made them suffer than any other kind of revenge I could have taken.
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Old 12-20-2017, 11:43 AM
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you're in the power position, not him. the next time he treats you with anything but respect, put him on a 2 week "lockdown" - no calls, no letters, nothing. Absolutely nothing but silence from your end. Do not read any correspondence from him during that time - it'll just be full of angry hateful stuff that you don't need to see. Give him a "release date" and time when he can call you and you will answer. if he pulls it on you again, lock him down for 30 days.

silence is just about the most powerful weapon a human can use against another. that's why the SHU is torture. I've been cut off from people before and laughed at the "threat"...until I found the absolute non-responsiveness to be agony. I've done the same to people who really earned it, and was surprised that it made them suffer than any other kind of revenge I could have taken.
The flip side is, maybe it's not our job to punish people. It creates a power struggle. I'm not a fan of silence unless your intention is to end the relationship. Then yes, cut calls, don't open mail, just be done. I wouldn't stay in a friendship or romantic relationship with a partner who punished me when they didn't approve of my behaviour. However, those in my life who can bring problems to the table, discuss them with me and set appropriate boundaries gain my respect and make me want to work harder inside of that relationship.

I guess it depends on your own skill set, though.
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  #32  
Old 01-10-2018, 08:47 PM
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Update: I am ending the relationship. The last letter I wrote was last week and said that I'm not in a position to be in a relationship with him right now because I'm still living with my husband. This was only a half truth. The real reason that I said this was 2 fold:

1. I don't want him to expect ANYTHING from me anymore. I'm not doing any favors for him anymore or giving him ANY money ever again. I'm done with all that.
2. I thought it would be easier on him if I told him the truth over a period of time, so he could get used to the idea that I'm not "his" anymore. He could see that my communication is going to be less and less and eventually will stop altogether. Less painful for him than just ripping the bandaid off right now or leaving him hanging by just disappearing out of his life...???

But I did tell him in my last letter that I wouldn't disappear on him or run away. I said that I would continue to write to him and that the only thing he and I could have right now is a friendship.

My question for you all is: Is it wrong if I just never write him back even though I said I would continue to write to him? I'm having some guilt about thinking about removing myself from his life without telling him that's what I am going to do. I know I'm not responsible for his feelings and that's where some of my guilt is coming from, but I also feel it's disrespectful of me to just disappear after I said I would continue to write to him. Should I not feel that it's disrespectful because he turned out to be using me and manipulating me? Do I owe him any respect with keeping my word?

He's written me two letters this week and I haven't opened them because I really don't care what he has to say anymore. My original thought when I offered him a friendship was that it would allow me to write to him whenever "I" wanted, without feeling obligated to write if I chose not to. But if I am honest with myself, I don't want to be friends with such a manipulator and I don't trust myself to never get sucked back into doing favors for him.

Should I just disappear now? That's what my heart is telling me to do. Would I be wrong just to never write him back again?

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  #33  
Old 01-10-2018, 08:53 PM
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Can’t you just write him a short letter saying that you won’t be writing him anymore and send his letters back “return to sender” so he knows you mean it and didn’t read them. Send any letters back and if he continues to write call the mailroom and get on his negative mailing list.

You do have to give him that curtesy since you said you were going to write as friends. Just my opinion BUT don’t go back and forth. Stick with whatever decision you make.
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  #34  
Old 01-11-2018, 12:17 AM
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Default You don't owe him anything

IF you don't respond he'll get the picture, you can't do it no easier way cut all ties and move on ,you don't owe him anything!! Some Men don't think twice about leaving a woman, no call, no letter, not even a good bye...
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Old 01-11-2018, 07:46 AM
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Canít you just write him a short letter saying that you wonít be writing him anymore and send his letters back ďreturn to senderĒ so he knows you mean it and didnít read them. Send any letters back and if he continues to write call the mailroom and get on his negative mailing list.

You do have to give him that curtesy since you said you were going to write as friends. Just my opinion BUT donít go back and forth. Stick with whatever decision you make.
My only concern with writing him a short letter saying that it's over and I won't be writing to him again is that I know what his response would be. He would bombard me with letters and beg me not to leave him and hold all my promises over my head and basically make me feel like shit. He won't accept it. I'm trying to find the least painful way (for him) to let him go. Not sure if there is a "right" way to do this.
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  #36  
Old 01-11-2018, 08:25 AM
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You know him better than we do so.... but I hate a liar. And a manipulator is not far behind. One is no better than the next. I say do what you feel is best so you have no regrets and deal with the consequences like a big girl.

As for my opinion, I would ghost him for treating me stupid, then write him if my guilt kicks in to make it plain. I would also read his letters, but that's just me. I'm nosey like that.

I would also start making plans and executing how I'm going to spend all this extra time and money I have. ☺
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Old 01-11-2018, 08:28 AM
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The right way is the way you did it, one respectful letter ending the relationship, and then actually ending it.
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  #38  
Old 01-11-2018, 08:33 AM
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You won't know what he writes back if you send his letters back unopened. Stop torturing yourself and just make a clean break now. Continuing this relationship isn't going any place good.
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Old 01-11-2018, 10:12 AM
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My only concern with writing him a short letter saying that it's over and I won't be writing to him again is that I know what his response would be. He would bombard me with letters and beg me not to leave him and hold all my promises over my head and basically make me feel like shit. He won't accept it. I'm trying to find the least painful way (for him) to let him go. Not sure if there is a "right" way to do this.
Then you arenít ready. He canít beg you for anything if you donít read the letters and return to sender. He canít bombard you with letters if you contact the prison and ask them to put you in his negative mailing list.

You lied to him and said you were going to continue the relationship as a friendship. Writing him a one line letter saying ďI have decided I canít continue this relationship in any shape or form and wonít be writing again.Ē IMO, this is less painful than wondering what happened. Not telling him and just disappearing gives him all sorts of scenarios as to what happened to you or why you arenít writing. Is that really the least painful? How many here go nuts if they donít hear from their loved one just one day after they are supposed to write or call? Is that what you want to do to him?
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Old 01-11-2018, 11:24 AM
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Write that letter saying you're calling the whole thing off, and in the same moment, send a letter to the Warden of his prison asking for no contact. No calls permitted, no letters. That way he can't call you or write you because the mail room and the phone company will both revoke that privilege. If necessary, you can also get a restraining order that prohibits any third-party contact - hm having his friends call or write you, or family.

Then it's done. No going back, but no need to panic about calls or unwanted letters.
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  #41  
Old 01-11-2018, 02:22 PM
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Canít you just write him a short letter saying that you wonít be writing him anymore and send his letters back ďreturn to senderĒ so he knows you mean it and didnít read them. Send any letters back and if he continues to write call the mailroom and get on his negative mailing list.

You do have to give him that curtesy since you said you were going to write as friends. Just my opinion BUT donít go back and forth. Stick with whatever decision you make.

Why.. if it's over then he'll know it's over by not responding at all... eventually he'll get the message, don't play games with him .. just saying
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Old 01-11-2018, 02:28 PM
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Why.. if it's over then he'll know it's over by not responding at all... eventually he'll get the message, don't play games with him .. just saying
You dont think just saying nothing after she told him she wouldnít abandon him isnít playing games? I know you were hurt so I get where this is coming from but I think itís mean and unecessary. It takes two minutes and a stamp to write a two line letter. The OP will do what she wants. Iím just giving my perspective.
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  #43  
Old 01-11-2018, 07:54 PM
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Well.. easy one... if he doesn't get it or understands it or even accepts it, he's not really in this whole thing for love but for money.

Please don't ever feel guilty, you have to take care of yourself and as far as I know they get fed in prison, not the Ritz Carlton treatment but nevertheless.
If he's not supportive of your situation, he is not much of a boyfriend... or is he?
I'm sorry he makes it so difficult for you.



Funny about the Ritz(in bold color red)mizzy ...I so agree.
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Great post again, chica, so i have to this evening, co-sign it. It is so clear he is sadly using/abusing her, at the emo-level.)emotional level of abuse.


Lotus...I would not deal with that. He is not worth it and i feel he is taking advantage of you.
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The whole, "You must not really love me, because you can stand to see me suffer" #JAILTALK #REDBrightFlag or however he put this is yes([ that is IMO abuse, and i lived it many years ago by 2 partners/and or it's downright borderline blackmail to some in a round about way, Lotus Flower 0312 EMOTIONAL abuse for which you're not to stand for it. I sure as hell wouldn't. #NMIWI.No man is worth it
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and to get some cash $$$ from hubby account/paycheck WOW. Just wow. He is not worth even having a wonderful lady like u as a friend, so don't walk away. RUN! and do not look back.Life too short for women/the GOOD ones'to be going through all of this. I wish you luck, in realizing he is using you and i would NEVER take out a loan for a guy in a cell.Just how it is. Not unless it's my brother/sibling and or immediate(close family member)and even then i am not sure how much.I pray you're going to run from this user. A man will ONLY do to us what we let them. I hope you're going to make the right decision."Good luck...Hugs-n-Blessings. Good night.Adios.
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#Weekends alone #me+him Snugglin' with- Hot Chocolate, Winter-Kisses that we both have patiently longed for,without D.O.C.

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  #44  
Old 01-11-2018, 09:00 PM
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I think if you’ve determined he was manipulating you and ripping you off then you no longer have a reason to take him seriously or communicate with him or concern yourself with what his feelings might be.
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Old 01-11-2018, 11:58 PM
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Then you arenít ready. He canít beg you for anything if you donít read the letters and return to sender. He canít bombard you with letters if you contact the prison and ask them to put you in his negative mailing list.

You lied to him and said you were going to continue the relationship as a friendship. Writing him a one line letter saying ďI have decided I canít continue this relationship in any shape or form and wonít be writing again.Ē IMO, this is less painful than wondering what happened. Not telling him and just disappearing gives him all sorts of scenarios as to what happened to you or why you arenít writing. Is that really the least painful? How many here go nuts if they donít hear from their loved one just one day after they are supposed to write or call? Is that what you want to do to him?
I didn't "lie" to him when I said I would continue having a friendship with him because when I wrote that, I meant it. I wasn't ready to admit that even having a friendship with this man isn't possible because he is a user and a lier and I don't trust him anymore. After thinking about it further (and after I mailed that letter), I changed my mind and decided that I don't actually want a friendship with him.
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Old 01-12-2018, 12:13 AM
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Final conclusion. After thinking about the last letter I wrote to him saying that I couldn't be in a "relationship" with him but I would continue to write to him and continue with a friendship I wrote a follow up letter today. I was completely honest about how I have been feeling--- without worrying about what he was going to think, without fearing his judgement or being conscious about hurting his feelings, I told him my truth. I told him that he hadn't changed since we dated before, that I had given him a clean slate for us to start over but all he did was make the same mistakes as before. I told him that the bond we had is broken. I told him that I believe that this has been about money from day 1 and that he destroyed any trust I had in him. I asked him where was his humility and gratitude for me giving him a second chance after everything we had went through in the past. And I told him that promises weren't meant to trap people in relationships that no longer work. I said that my empathy for him will not extend to my bank account again. Ever. and that I do not want to be in a relationship where I'm expected to carry the weight of someone else's consequences. I told him that I won't be reading his letters anymore if he continued to write to me.

I am completely done with him. I won't be writing to him anymore. I won't be reading his letters either. The other day I received 2 letters from him and I still haven't opened them. That's a first, ever. I've always salivated over his letters and couldn't wait to read them to see what he had to say. Now, I just don't care. I told him in this last letter that all the sweet words in the world and apologies won't regain my trust. I KNOW now that he was using me. I always questioned our breakup before because I was afraid to tell him how I felt because I was afraid of his judgement and criticism and disapproval. I'm over that and now I just don't care what he thinks and I'm not afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him my truth. I feel this deep sense of pride in myself for standing up to him and being honest with him without just tucking my tail between my legs and running away. I ended it differently this time. I won't ever let anyone use me again and I will always stand up for myself. If I don't, who will?
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  #47  
Old 01-12-2018, 03:15 PM
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Good for You! My husband lie and manipulate and I'm still with his a$$. Not just because he my husband but I know how to say no ..... sometimes and the bank been closed for years. NEway. I'm glad you woman's up and I hope you continue, whether he in yo ur life or not. And please believe, he will be writing........
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Old 01-12-2018, 11:48 PM
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Final conclusion. After thinking about the last letter I wrote to him saying that I couldn't be in a "relationship" with him but I would continue to write to him and continue with a friendship I wrote a follow up letter today. I was completely honest about how I have been feeling--- without worrying about what he was going to think, without fearing his judgement or being conscious about hurting his feelings, I told him my truth. I told him that he hadn't changed since we dated before, that I had given him a clean slate for us to start over but all he did was make the same mistakes as before. I told him that the bond we had is broken. I told him that I believe that this has been about money from day 1 and that he destroyed any trust I had in him. I asked him where was his humility and gratitude for me giving him a second chance after everything we had went through in the past. And I told him that promises weren't meant to trap people in relationships that no longer work. I said that my empathy for him will not extend to my bank account again. Ever. and that I do not want to be in a relationship where I'm expected to carry the weight of someone else's consequences. I told him that I won't be reading his letters anymore if he continued to write to me.

I am completely done with him. I won't be writing to him anymore. I won't be reading his letters either. The other day I received 2 letters from him and I still haven't opened them. That's a first, ever. I've always salivated over his letters and couldn't wait to read them to see what he had to say. Now, I just don't care. I told him in this last letter that all the sweet words in the world and apologies won't regain my trust. I KNOW now that he was using me. I always questioned our breakup before because I was afraid to tell him how I felt because I was afraid of his judgement and criticism and disapproval. I'm over that and now I just don't care what he thinks and I'm not afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him my truth. I feel this deep sense of pride in myself for standing up to him and being honest with him without just tucking my tail between my legs and running away. I ended it differently this time. I won't ever let anyone use me again and I will always stand up for myself. If I don't, who will?

Very well said!! Good for you!!
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