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  #1  
Old 09-24-2009, 02:21 PM
ItalianHitGirl ItalianHitGirl is offline
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Angry Just released then right back in! Should I walk?

I posted this question under the "Wives/Girlfriends" section but then i found this thread and thought maybe someone with experience loving an addict could relate more closely. I have no experience with addiction and I really need help.

I'm totally devestated. My fiancee (a die-hard, lifelong herion addict) and I have been together 3 years. He was in jail for something he didn't do for the last 2 of those years. I waited and was extremely devoted and supportive. When we were together for the first year before he went in, we were extremely happy. He was in a recovery program at the time and he explained that he was a former addict but he was in recovery and had no intentions of ever using again. I never saw him actively in his addiction.

I don't know anything about drugs! Of course I would never want to be with an addict but to me, he just seemed normal. The whole time he was in jail he talked over and over about how he was "done with that old life", how he's "grown up and is more responsible", he's sick of the chaos and drama, and he'd never do anthing to lose me (I told him that if he EVER used while we were together, I'd walk away - fast!). I believed it all.

He was paroled after 2 years (a miracle!) and that was in April. We were exstatic and started to plan our life together (buying a house, etc) and our wedding. 2 months ago at the beginning of August, after being out only 4 months, he called me and said he was on his way to jail! He had a positive drug test and that was a parole violation. I was in shock! I guess he had a weak moment and took a Suboxone, hoping it would do something for his stress.

I love this man more than life. Obviously, or I wouldn't have waited and sacrificed 2 years of my life for him. He promised me over and over that he'd never, ever do anything to leave me alone again. He's been in and out of jail for his whole life. He said that he knew he was finally done this time because now he had me and he's never had any motivation to stay clean before but he couldn't live without me so he'd never risk doing anything to lose me.

I'm so hurt, mad, lonely, surprised, you name it! If he was truly grateful for all the sacrifices I made over the course of waiting 2 years, he would never do anything to make me go through it again - right? He's been locked up for 7 weeks now and he thinks he's getting re-paroled next week. I didn't leave him (like I told him I would if he ever went back) and I feel like a weakling. It would seem to me that if he can't make it longer than 4 months without using, knowing full well that he's being drug tested, he'll never stop. On one hand, I can't bear to lose him but on the other, I don't want to knowingly jump on what could be a lifelong rollercoaster.

Should I just walk away now and try to get over him before he drags me down with him? He's written letter after letter about how sorry he is, how he promises to go to a 6-month residential treatment facility and really learn, once-and-for-all how to stay clean, blah, blah, blah.

Should I be supportive and stick by him when he gets out next week and see him through recovery or should i just cut my losses now because this is a never ending cycle? Is he just going to get re-arrested for using again in another 4 months?

Sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I want to be supportive if he is honestly trying to do the right thing but if this just bound to end in heartache, I'd rather leave now before I get even more hurt. I just don't know if I should believe him when he says, "this is the last time". That's what he said the first time I did a bid with him.

Does anyone with experience in addictions know if there is actually hope for him? I hear that heroin is hard to recover from, especially if they've been doing it all their lives.

Thanks a bunch!!
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2009, 02:51 PM
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If you want to go through life always being totally devestated, having no hopes and dreams because they will never come true, then stay with him. You said he was in jail for something he didn't do. That may be true but he has done a lot of things that he didn't get caught for.

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Originally Posted by Stevenandme View Post
I posted this question under the "Wives/Girlfriends" section but then i found this thread and thought maybe someone with experience loving an addict could relate more closely. I have no experience with addiction and I really need help.

I'm totally devestated. My fiancee (a die-hard, lifelong herion addict) and I have been together 3 years. He was in jail for something he didn't do for the last 2 of those years. I waited and was extremely devoted and supportive. When we were together for the first year before he went in, we were extremely happy. He was in a recovery program at the time and he explained that he was a former addict but he was in recovery and had no intentions of ever using again. I never saw him actively in his addiction.

I don't know anything about drugs! Of course I would never want to be with an addict but to me, he just seemed normal. The whole time he was in jail he talked over and over about how he was "done with that old life", how he's "grown up and is more responsible", he's sick of the chaos and drama, and he'd never do anthing to lose me (I told him that if he EVER used while we were together, I'd walk away - fast!). I believed it all.

He was paroled after 2 years (a miracle!) and that was in April. We were exstatic and started to plan our life together (buying a house, etc) and our wedding. 2 months ago at the beginning of August, after being out only 4 months, he called me and said he was on his way to jail! He had a positive drug test and that was a parole violation. I was in shock! I guess he had a weak moment and took a Suboxone, hoping it would do something for his stress.

I love this man more than life. Obviously, or I wouldn't have waited and sacrificed 2 years of my life for him. He promised me over and over that he'd never, ever do anything to leave me alone again. He's been in and out of jail for his whole life. He said that he knew he was finally done this time because now he had me and he's never had any motivation to stay clean before but he couldn't live without me so he'd never risk doing anything to lose me.

I'm so hurt, mad, lonely, surprised, you name it! If he was truly grateful for all the sacrifices I made over the course of waiting 2 years, he would never do anything to make me go through it again - right? He's been locked up for 7 weeks now and he thinks he's getting re-paroled next week. I didn't leave him (like I told him I would if he ever went back) and I feel like a weakling. It would seem to me that if he can't make it longer than 4 months without using, knowing full well that he's being drug tested, he'll never stop. On one hand, I can't bear to lose him but on the other, I don't want to knowingly jump on what could be a lifelong rollercoaster.

Should I just walk away now and try to get over him before he drags me down with him? He's written letter after letter about how sorry he is, how he promises to go to a 6-month residential treatment facility and really learn, once-and-for-all how to stay clean, blah, blah, blah.

Should I be supportive and stick by him when he gets out next week and see him through recovery or should i just cut my losses now because this is a never ending cycle? Is he just going to get re-arrested for using again in another 4 months?

Sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I want to be supportive if he is honestly trying to do the right thing but if this just bound to end in heartache, I'd rather leave now before I get even more hurt. I just don't know if I should believe him when he says, "this is the last time". That's what he said the first time I did a bid with him.

Does anyone with experience in addictions know if there is actually hope for him? I hear that heroin is hard to recover from, especially if they've been doing it all their lives.

Thanks a bunch!!
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Old 09-24-2009, 03:03 PM
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Hon, you need to find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting right away. They will be able to help you, probably far more than we can.

Addicts are some of the trickiest people to deal with, because addiction is a bitch mistress. You at the very least need to call off the wedding. And I certainly wouldn't live with him when he gets out. Yes, he needs to do the rehab, and you need to build a full and independent life while he's doing it. After that, you need to think really long-term. He will need to be clean for at least a year, and living apart from you, too. He needs to have a job, keep his housing clean, figure out his transportation needs, go shopping for groceries. That way he can also build a life of his own. It's very tough to do if you're being emotionally beholding to someone else, and that's why I say separate! Doesn't mean you can't talk on the phone, have a date, spend the odd night together. But you can't just throw your heart into a relationship with an active addict - it will be shredded.

You'll have to think a lot about what you really believe is best, so let me once again point you to meetings . . . you will meet people very much in the same position, and you will find support for your own fragile emotions, and you will, most of all, find out how to be a good partner for an addict.

Best wishes.
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:16 AM
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I agree with that last comment.. You do need to take a step back and look at the BIG picture before making any major decisions.. I myself have been down that road and ulitmately had to give an ultimatum.. A person can only take so much lying and decite before you start to think that they are the victim not you & your relationship.. It tough believe me but once you reach that decision you will feel confident that you have made every effort to be there for him without being an enabler..

I wish you the best in whatever decision you choose to make and remember people can throw you advice all day but I really comes down to what your heart truly deserves.. Best of luck and keep your head up..
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Old 09-25-2009, 12:02 PM
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Oh dear.. that is SO HARD. I definitely understand what you are going thu, as my husband is an alcoholic

We have been together a while, and I too sacrificed 2 1/2 years and remained dedicated etc.. to have him go right back in 4 months later.. he did 2 months for that one and was back out... then went right back 3 months later.. and now he is down for 2 years.

Deep in your heart YOU KNOW what you need to do... the hard part is doing it. I am in the SAME BOAT, as I love him with ALL my heart, and I cant see myself with anyone else. I am not even attracted to other men. Its weird.
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Old 09-25-2009, 04:45 PM
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My heart goes out to you..I too have struggled with my husband's heroin addiction...And yes I've heard all the promises..time and time again.. this is my second bid with him..first time was 2 years and now six years..Nimuay is correct..you need to get some support and education on addiction ...I actually have become a certified addictions counselor..(Level I) and I have learned so much...I have chosen to stay with my husband because ..I love him..and he is really a great guy...I know it is always going to be a struggle..because as the saying goes "once an addict ..always an addict " and even when they do get clean ..it only takes one relapse and they are back into full blown addiction..I am not trying to discourage you..after all every one is different..but it won't always be easy ..getting him into rehab is the first step..and getting yourself some support and education is just as important !!
I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose ...Take care & God Bless !!
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Old 11-01-2009, 10:49 PM
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Default Heroin addiction

I have been with a heroin addict for two years. He was arrested last year, a few days before Halloween, so it's been just over a year.
I have been a devoted girlfriend, adjusted my life for him etc.

Prison won't change a heroin addict. Their addiction is most important to them.
I was not experienced with addiction like this until I started dating him and I became experienced real quick, because I have common sense.
I am in the position where I love this guy, but am fearful when he gets out, if we are to meet up again, more negativity will come of it.

He tells me exactly what you're guy is telling you; we're going to get married, get a house, have children, etc.
Bottom line is, he's selfish, inconsiderate, manipulates. He's an addict.
It's unsafe to be with him, and I don't know how the other gal who said she is with her guy manages to stay if she has to go through this.
I would educate yourself on the addiction, start seeing a therapist, and not waste your time staying devoted to him. I've had my heart broken so many times, even with him in prison. An addict is always right and will take advantage of you in so many ways.
If you decide to you want to stay with him after he's out again (which, since this is a violation, seems unlikely), I would recommend not living with him and setting boundaries; inpatient treatment, seeing a psychologist etc. If he is unwilling to do those things, it's likely he will fall right back into all of this. The person I was with has been battling this for around 15 years.
Remember it's a characteristic of an addict to lie and manipulate, and to take other people down with them.
You have every right to start seeing other people.

I hope it works for you.








Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevenandme View Post
I posted this question under the "Wives/Girlfriends" section but then i found this thread and thought maybe someone with experience loving an addict could relate more closely. I have no experience with addiction and I really need help.

I'm totally devestated. My fiancee (a die-hard, lifelong herion addict) and I have been together 3 years. He was in jail for something he didn't do for the last 2 of those years. I waited and was extremely devoted and supportive. When we were together for the first year before he went in, we were extremely happy. He was in a recovery program at the time and he explained that he was a former addict but he was in recovery and had no intentions of ever using again. I never saw him actively in his addiction.

I don't know anything about drugs! Of course I would never want to be with an addict but to me, he just seemed normal. The whole time he was in jail he talked over and over about how he was "done with that old life", how he's "grown up and is more responsible", he's sick of the chaos and drama, and he'd never do anthing to lose me (I told him that if he EVER used while we were together, I'd walk away - fast!). I believed it all.

He was paroled after 2 years (a miracle!) and that was in April. We were exstatic and started to plan our life together (buying a house, etc) and our wedding. 2 months ago at the beginning of August, after being out only 4 months, he called me and said he was on his way to jail! He had a positive drug test and that was a parole violation. I was in shock! I guess he had a weak moment and took a Suboxone, hoping it would do something for his stress.

I love this man more than life. Obviously, or I wouldn't have waited and sacrificed 2 years of my life for him. He promised me over and over that he'd never, ever do anything to leave me alone again. He's been in and out of jail for his whole life. He said that he knew he was finally done this time because now he had me and he's never had any motivation to stay clean before but he couldn't live without me so he'd never risk doing anything to lose me.

I'm so hurt, mad, lonely, surprised, you name it! If he was truly grateful for all the sacrifices I made over the course of waiting 2 years, he would never do anything to make me go through it again - right? He's been locked up for 7 weeks now and he thinks he's getting re-paroled next week. I didn't leave him (like I told him I would if he ever went back) and I feel like a weakling. It would seem to me that if he can't make it longer than 4 months without using, knowing full well that he's being drug tested, he'll never stop. On one hand, I can't bear to lose him but on the other, I don't want to knowingly jump on what could be a lifelong rollercoaster.

Should I just walk away now and try to get over him before he drags me down with him? He's written letter after letter about how sorry he is, how he promises to go to a 6-month residential treatment facility and really learn, once-and-for-all how to stay clean, blah, blah, blah.

Should I be supportive and stick by him when he gets out next week and see him through recovery or should i just cut my losses now because this is a never ending cycle? Is he just going to get re-arrested for using again in another 4 months?

Sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I want to be supportive if he is honestly trying to do the right thing but if this just bound to end in heartache, I'd rather leave now before I get even more hurt. I just don't know if I should believe him when he says, "this is the last time". That's what he said the first time I did a bid with him.

Does anyone with experience in addictions know if there is actually hope for him? I hear that heroin is hard to recover from, especially if they've been doing it all their lives.

Thanks a bunch!!
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Old 11-02-2009, 09:48 AM
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I would parrot some of the advice that has already been given regarding setting boundaries, obtaining help and support for yourself via Alanon. See what happens for those of us that love an addict is that we actually aquire a form of addiction ourselves, co dependency. This is an addiction TO the addict! We may, without evn realizing enable the addict and attempt to control their addiction. This is always done out of love and devotion but by doing these things we ultimately make the situation worse and not better. Addiction is NOT our faults but we can and do contribute to the overall extent of the problem via our co dependent behaviors.

The rooms of AA/NA/CA and etc are filled with literally MILLIONS of recovering people worldwide. This should gve us hope that there is a good possibility that your loved one CAN recover from the illness. You can increase his chances by also getting help for yourself as well!

I have found after many years that heroin addicts have certain personality traits and seem to have some things in common. First of all they tend to be very sensitive people, gentle souls who are fragile emotionally, they do not handle emotional pain well. Heroin IS a pain releiver and is very effective in eliminating ( or at least reducing) emotional pain. Most of the herion addicts I have worked with have experienced sexual abuse in their backgrounds. They are also very creative people who do well in art therapy and in writing assignments vs speaking. Many times they begin using heroin to escape emotional pain and relapse is common in those who have not had appropriate therapy to heal from the sources of that pain.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:17 PM
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Thank you so much for your replies. My original post was in September. I took to heart everyone's advice and told my man, via letter while he was still in jail, that when he gets out I'll only stay with him if he graduates a 6-month residential treatment program. I said that the wedding is off for now and though I'd stay and support him through recovery, I can't commit to marriage until he has at least a yr of sobriety, stays out of jail forever, gets a "Real" job and stays away from ALL crime for earning $$ and shows me that he can get a place to stay on his own and take care of himself (1/2 way house, renting a room, studio apt, whatever!!). Just can't live with me immediately after jail/rehab. Has to prove he can stay clean and stand on his own two feet and take care of himself first, before he commits to marriage and taking care of a whole family.

After he received that letter (a month ago), he broke up with me immediately. AFTER 3 F---ing years!!!! I was devestated. Guess he wasn't really as ready to deal with his addiction and leave the crime/jail life behind as he promised in letters for 2 years. "Things will be different this time" is a myth. We've been apart a month. He was supposed to be re-paroled to a 6-month rehab program 3 weeks ago. Have no clue why he's still locked up. Kills to lose my fiancee, but glad that I now know the truth of what life would have been like with a heroin addict (thanks to all you guys!!! thank you!!). Thank GOD we didn't get married in Oct like we were supposed to.

He called me last week, collect of course from jail, and when I said, "Yes, I'll accept the charges", he hung up. He did this two days in a row.Have no clue what that was all about but just as I was starting to accept that it really is over (denial is a bitch!!) and move on with my life, he has me all uppity and wondering what he could have possibly wanted. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I thought maybe he called me cuz he misses me and when he heard my voice he chickened out. Thought maybe I'd receive an explanation letter but in 8 days, nothing has come.

The only thing I can think to do is just keep moving forward and try to forget about him and not delude myself that he's going to get out, change magically, get his sh*t together, and come back to me a healthy, honest, whole man. I have to keep telling myself that the fairy tale will never come true, don't wait for him to get it together, and keep pushing forward WITHOUT HIM. It's hard, and some days I do better than others. Days when he calls and hangs up don't help. But I can't be a slave to my mailbox, waiting, hoping, staliking the mailman in hopes that he sent a letter saying he'll meet my requests (stay clean forever, graduate rehab, stop crime, stay out of jail, maintain a "real" job, etc).

I trying to stay strong. I haven't contacted him once since he kicked me to the curb. I do believe in tough love (as you all have taught me) so I figure I'll send him the message that if he's not going to take rehab seriously, I don't want anything to do with him. I do still keep hoping he'll contact me and say, "I love you - I'll do anything to keep you - I'll finish a rehab program and stay clean" but I know that's unrealistic.

Maybe I'll be fortunate enough to meet someone else someday whom I love as much, but who is better to me and better for me. Can't imagine anyone filling his shoes, but I know that time heals things and gives us perspective.

Again, thanks for all the advice. It just might have been a life saver. Hope you all don't mind my giving you the 2-month update.
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:25 PM
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you are a smart lady. everything is going to be fine. don't worry about him.

i can't believe he broke up with you. what a jerk! honey, he did you a favor.
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stevenandme View Post
Thank you so much for your replies. My original post was in September. I took to heart everyone's advice and told my man, via letter while he was still in jail, that when he gets out I'll only stay with him if he graduates a 6-month residential treatment program. I said that the wedding is off for now and though I'd stay and support him through recovery, I can't commit to marriage until he has at least a yr of sobriety, stays out of jail forever, gets a "Real" job and stays away from ALL crime for earning $$ and shows me that he can get a place to stay on his own and take care of himself (1/2 way house, renting a room, studio apt, whatever!!). Just can't live with me immediately after jail/rehab. Has to prove he can stay clean and stand on his own two feet and take care of himself first, before he commits to marriage and taking care of a whole family.

After he received that letter (a month ago), he broke up with me immediately. AFTER 3 F---ing years!!!! I was devestated. Guess he wasn't really as ready to deal with his addiction and leave the crime/jail life behind as he promised in letters for 2 years. "Things will be different this time" is a myth. We've been apart a month. He was supposed to be re-paroled to a 6-month rehab program 3 weeks ago. Have no clue why he's still locked up. Kills to lose my fiancee, but glad that I now know the truth of what life would have been like with a heroin addict (thanks to all you guys!!! thank you!!). Thank GOD we didn't get married in Oct like we were supposed to.

He called me last week, collect of course from jail, and when I said, "Yes, I'll accept the charges", he hung up. He did this two days in a row.Have no clue what that was all about but just as I was starting to accept that it really is over (denial is a bitch!!) and move on with my life, he has me all uppity and wondering what he could have possibly wanted. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I thought maybe he called me cuz he misses me and when he heard my voice he chickened out. Thought maybe I'd receive an explanation letter but in 8 days, nothing has come.

The only thing I can think to do is just keep moving forward and try to forget about him and not delude myself that he's going to get out, change magically, get his sh*t together, and come back to me a healthy, honest, whole man. I have to keep telling myself that the fairy tale will never come true, don't wait for him to get it together, and keep pushing forward WITHOUT HIM. It's hard, and some days I do better than others. Days when he calls and hangs up don't help. But I can't be a slave to my mailbox, waiting, hoping, staliking the mailman in hopes that he sent a letter saying he'll meet my requests (stay clean forever, graduate rehab, stop crime, stay out of jail, maintain a "real" job, etc).

I trying to stay strong. I haven't contacted him once since he kicked me to the curb. I do believe in tough love (as you all have taught me) so I figure I'll send him the message that if he's not going to take rehab seriously, I don't want anything to do with him. I do still keep hoping he'll contact me and say, "I love you - I'll do anything to keep you - I'll finish a rehab program and stay clean" but I know that's unrealistic.

Maybe I'll be fortunate enough to meet someone else someday whom I love as much, but who is better to me and better for me. Can't imagine anyone filling his shoes, but I know that time heals things and gives us perspective.

Again, thanks for all the advice. It just might have been a life saver. Hope you all don't mind my giving you the 2-month update.
Good for you for trying to stay strong.If i was you,hard as it may be,I'd move on with my life and believe me if he is serious about changing and he truly loves you he will move heaven and earth to be with you. unfortunately,as long as he is using you will never be his one true love.you will come in second to heroin. you are a good woman. i'm sure this is not the life you envisioned for yourself. we are here for you.
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:49 PM
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I'm glad you came back and gave us the 2-month update. I'm relatively new around here, although I've been a lurker for a long time. It always makes me wonder when we don't get updates!

I think you absolutely have the right mindset about this situation. You know, it's real easy to promise to stay clean, when you don't have access to any drugs! He doesn't have any choice, since he's behind bars.

Personally, I'd quit accepting the collect calls all together, until he calls you from rehab. If he loves you, he'll go straight there and actually work the program!

My brother was an addict for decades and he finally got clean after he quit associating with his old friends and moved to California to be with me. It was pure hell for a long time.

You'll be just fine, sweetie. You've got to take care of yourself first.
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:34 PM
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Well I was reading through some posts today cause I am home sick and came across yours..You wrote it back in Sept. I am in the same boat as you..well most anyways...My fiance was into shooting up coke..I never witnessed it but that and heroin are the devil. Dusty told me he never wants to go back to that life..and he hasnt so far.He has been in and out of prison for the last 15 years. We met 3 weeks after his last arrest and dated for 5 months prior to his sentencing and he didnt use. I fell in love with him because he was genuine and everything I ever wanted...well except for this horrible addiction. He has been in since June 20th 2008. He goes on work release on monday and then we have a year to go...I have given up going out with my friends and things i enjoy..not sure if its a depression thing or to keep him sane. I have devoted every part of me to my son and being a mom figure to his kids and being a support for him.I am so scared that he too will one day slip up..I cant do this again. If they only knew how hard it is for us out here. We have to keep everything together so when they get home it wont be so hard. I have made a personal decision that if he does go back to drug use I will leave..that is an extremely hard thing to say because there are more people involved than just us.. He has 6 children and I have become very close to the two youngest and if I left, i would be leaving them as well.But why would we settle for anything less than normacy..We deserve to be loved and for them to slip up is a slap in our face. Its disrespectful..we sit here and are totally committed to them and if they cant do the same then it is their loss.. I hope I dont have to go through that and I hope yours can see how wonderful you are. Keep me updated..-stephanie
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:56 PM
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Thanks for coming back and giving the update. A lot of other women need to hear your story. I've lived with an addict and been an addict, and I can honestly say that addictiontruly is a disease. I'm not proud of it but at one point in life I would have chosen the drugs over anyone else in my life, including my child. That is the monster that is addicition. It took hitting rock bottom for me to clean myself up, but it was something I had to do on my own. No could love me enough to get me clean, and no matter how many stories this guys tells you, your love will never be enough to break his habit. Especially with heroin, I hear that's the mother of all addictions.

Like someone else said I would refuse any calls. He might just be playing games with you, thinking that you're waiting there for him to change his mind. You need to show him that you meant what you said and that you won't have anything to do with him until he's in a treatment program. I hope for your sake that he does this and that somehow you end up getting your fairytale ending.

The saddest part about addiction is the drug takes a person who could have been so much to so many people and it absolutely ruins them. It's just as painful as losing someone to a drunk driver or a terminal illness because in reality the person the addict should have been is dead.

Good luck and please keep us updated.
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Old 11-06-2009, 05:18 PM
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My favorite uncle was once a heroin user. I believed he was addicted for almost 20 years. Went to prison many times for feeding that habit. Was in Federal Prison for 5 solid years heroin free.

The day he stepped out of prison after all those years, he admittedly confessed to me that he went straight back to the needle.

BUT, a year later he put himself into a 1 yr rehab -- out of the state. He left his hometown, family, friends etc. He really wanted to be clean.

Now he has 20+ years clean and he runs a Drug Rehab and Transitional Home in Los Angeles. Everyone knows him and everyone respects him. He travels around the country speaking and giving back.

So what am I saying? Your husband will get clean if He wants too. And he will remain cleans if He wants too.

God Bless you both and I wish you the best of Luck.
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Old 11-08-2009, 11:12 PM
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My husband has the same problem as your man (so did my daughter's Father). What you need to know first is that drug addiction is a disease that can never be cured but can be arrested. You can never know if or when he will pick up again. And since you haven't been with hinm or anyone else while he/they were using heroin, it may be difficult at first to realize he's using. He probably won't tell you if he starts to use again, after all, he didn't tell you he was using this time that he got drug-tested and violated parole. He may have used and tried to flush his system or something, knowing he may get drug tested & it didn't work, that may be why he did it, thinking he'd get away with it. I don't know him & I don't know how sincere he is. Going to a 6 month inpatient program straight from jail/prison would be good - but will they send him straight there or does he have to make those arrangements when he comes home (If that's the case, then he could wait a week or longer to get in, and in the meantime he may be tempted to use. If that happens, you should find out where some NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings are in your area & take him to meetings every day until he goes to treatment. But you don't know his history of treatment - how many times he's gotten some form of help for his addiction - outpatient, inpatient, etc. And what happened with each of them - if he successfully completed them, if he took it seriously, and if he didn't complete it, was it for getting high, breaking rules or just someone lying about him or because of his past criminal background, etc. I would reccomend going to NarAnon for yourself - meetings for friends & family of addicts. I went years ago when I was with my ex, it's similiar to Narcotics Anonymous, like they have steps, you can get a sponsor, etc., but focuses more on what you go through as their loved one. I found it helpful & during that period of time it helped me relax a lot more too. Remember, you may not agree with something someone says, I know when I went to a meeting once, someone said something about how I wasn't married & I didn't have to be with him. Basically take what you want from the meeting & leave the rest behind. As far as whether you should leave him or not, nobody can (or should) give you an answer to that, everyone's different and we have no way of judging him...He could be promising you the World and never live up to it, or this time he could mean it...I find that with age comes wisdom...Though he may have to go to prison again for a longer period of time, or at least be faced with a significant amount of time, in order for him to change. But maybe he has learned his lesson. Time will tell....But it's up to you whether you want to leave him now before he can hurt you again. If you do, you could leave the door open to possibly getting back together with him in the future if you see he's doing the roght thing...like stay his friend, support him through drug treatment and see what happens. Good Luck to you whatever you do, ir's not easy!



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Originally Posted by Stevenandme View Post
I posted this question under the "Wives/Girlfriends" section but then i found this thread and thought maybe someone with experience loving an addict could relate more closely. I have no experience with addiction and I really need help.

I'm totally devestated. My fiancee (a die-hard, lifelong herion addict) and I have been together 3 years. He was in jail for something he didn't do for the last 2 of those years. I waited and was extremely devoted and supportive. When we were together for the first year before he went in, we were extremely happy. He was in a recovery program at the time and he explained that he was a former addict but he was in recovery and had no intentions of ever using again. I never saw him actively in his addiction.

I don't know anything about drugs! Of course I would never want to be with an addict but to me, he just seemed normal. The whole time he was in jail he talked over and over about how he was "done with that old life", how he's "grown up and is more responsible", he's sick of the chaos and drama, and he'd never do anthing to lose me (I told him that if he EVER used while we were together, I'd walk away - fast!). I believed it all.

He was paroled after 2 years (a miracle!) and that was in April. We were exstatic and started to plan our life together (buying a house, etc) and our wedding. 2 months ago at the beginning of August, after being out only 4 months, he called me and said he was on his way to jail! He had a positive drug test and that was a parole violation. I was in shock! I guess he had a weak moment and took a Suboxone, hoping it would do something for his stress.

I love this man more than life. Obviously, or I wouldn't have waited and sacrificed 2 years of my life for him. He promised me over and over that he'd never, ever do anything to leave me alone again. He's been in and out of jail for his whole life. He said that he knew he was finally done this time because now he had me and he's never had any motivation to stay clean before but he couldn't live without me so he'd never risk doing anything to lose me.

I'm so hurt, mad, lonely, surprised, you name it! If he was truly grateful for all the sacrifices I made over the course of waiting 2 years, he would never do anything to make me go through it again - right? He's been locked up for 7 weeks now and he thinks he's getting re-paroled next week. I didn't leave him (like I told him I would if he ever went back) and I feel like a weakling. It would seem to me that if he can't make it longer than 4 months without using, knowing full well that he's being drug tested, he'll never stop. On one hand, I can't bear to lose him but on the other, I don't want to knowingly jump on what could be a lifelong rollercoaster.

Should I just walk away now and try to get over him before he drags me down with him? He's written letter after letter about how sorry he is, how he promises to go to a 6-month residential treatment facility and really learn, once-and-for-all how to stay clean, blah, blah, blah.

Should I be supportive and stick by him when he gets out next week and see him through recovery or should i just cut my losses now because this is a never ending cycle? Is he just going to get re-arrested for using again in another 4 months?

Sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I want to be supportive if he is honestly trying to do the right thing but if this just bound to end in heartache, I'd rather leave now before I get even more hurt. I just don't know if I should believe him when he says, "this is the last time". That's what he said the first time I did a bid with him.

Does anyone with experience in addictions know if there is actually hope for him? I hear that heroin is hard to recover from, especially if they've been doing it all their lives.

Thanks a bunch!!
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:10 PM
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Quit taking his calls, Please! He is playing mind games with you. An addict will use whatever power they can to hold it over you. They know how much you love them and will USE that to their advantage. I know first hand, trust me. Stand back and let him go...see if he wakes up. If he does, good for you's, but make him PROVE IT first.

I am also dealing with an addict, a meth addict. That too is a horrible, horrible drug. Like one post on here said, the drug destoys whatever that person "was" and replaces that personallity with an ugly, selfish, manipulative person. Unfortunately, we love that person.

Please take care of yourself...and my advice is to quit answering that phone . You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders...good for you for being strong.
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Old 11-11-2009, 06:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mrs.bug View Post
Thanks for coming back and giving the update. A lot of other women need to hear your story. I've lived with an addict and been an addict, and I can honestly say that addictiontruly is a disease. I'm not proud of it but at one point in life I would have chosen the drugs over anyone else in my life, including my child. That is the monster that is addicition. It took hitting rock bottom for me to clean myself up, but it was something I had to do on my own. No could love me enough to get me clean, and no matter how many stories this guys tells you, your love will never be enough to break his habit. Especially with heroin, I hear that's the mother of all addictions.

Like someone else said I would refuse any calls. He might just be playing games with you, thinking that you're waiting there for him to change his mind. You need to show him that you meant what you said and that you won't have anything to do with him until he's in a treatment program. I hope for your sake that he does this and that somehow you end up getting your fairytale ending.

The saddest part about addiction is the drug takes a person who could have been so much to so many people and it absolutely ruins them. It's just as painful as losing someone to a drunk driver or a terminal illness because in reality the person the addict should have been is dead.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

"No one could love me enough to get me clean, and no matter how many stories this guy tells you, your love will never be enough to break his habit" You could not have possibly worded this any more poetically. One little sentence tells the whole entire story. You leave no room for error. Your message is crystal clear, and very profound. Thank you for your honesty, wisdom, and compassion. I am grateful.
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Old 11-13-2009, 11:55 AM
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Sounds to me you have a gut feeling and you need to think long and hard and pray. Would hate for you to have to say to yourself "i told you so"

Good Luck! I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
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