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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 10-04-2019, 12:54 PM
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Cool How did you decide to love a lifer?

I love my lifer with all my heart. We grew up together and have been in and out of each others lives ever since. I wondered what happened to him bc one day he just disappeared. Well I found him. He is in prison for life. I reached out just as a friend but it has grown into SSSOOO much more. I am going through a divorce from a 15 year marriage and he has been wonderful helping me and "holding" my hand through it. We have become very close and realized we are VERY much alike and we have both developed very strong feelings for each other. I am in love with him and he is even farther along than I am calling me the love of his life, his true love and a forever love. Again I did not plan for any of this to happen but this is a true love. I am deeply in love with this man and I do not think I will ever find it like this again. BUT my question is.....how did you decide to be with your lifer? He is still in the appeal process and both of us have our fingers and toes crossed but I am a realist. I am thinking about the what if's. Can I live a life alone while the man I love is behind bars? I will never get to hold him the way I want. I will never be able to fall asleep next to him. Never be able to be intimate with him. Never be able to share my life with a partner the way "normal" people do. CAN I DO THIS??? How did you decide?????
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Old 10-05-2019, 12:36 PM
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Hi there -- I think the threads of years past on this forum can give you some insight into your question -- you'll see how others grappled with it. Personally I think this is one of the hardest decisions to make. You've already posed some basic, fundamental issues and hurdles to overcome, and only you can decide if you can live without ever holding him in the way you want, or live your life with a partner that's not the way "normal" people live their relationships. And don't forget the social stigma -- it is a big element of this life.

I struggled hard to process it all, but once my mind was made up, it was done. You have to be the kind of person who is comfortable living life without a partner physically there. That means you have to be OK with sleeping alone, going to the movies alone (or with people other than your other half), waking up alone, having household appliances fall apart and fixing them alone (or finding resources outside the home to fix them), relying entirely on yourself for every life contingency, because he can't be here to help you out in a hands-on way. It's very challenging at times, not to mention physically tiring (literally). All that for a relationship that must be lived purely through an intimacy that is based in honest, raw, on-going communication. You have to show up for the communication always, otherwise the relationship will fall apart. Many people, judging by the archives, can't do it for forever.
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Old 10-05-2019, 06:56 PM
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I am deeply in love with this man and I do not think I will ever find it like this again. BUT my question is.....how did you decide to be with your lifer?

Never be able to be intimate with him. Never be able to share my life with a partner the way "normal" people do. CAN I DO THIS??? How did you decide?????
If you believe you'll never find "this" kind of love again, you're right, you won't! We attract what we are ready for. Perhaps "this" is what you "want and need" right now, only you know the answer to that.

My relationship with a liefer never held me down or held me back - being in contact with him pushed me into a better version of myself, and being with him thrills me. There is no set rules to "this" lifestyle, and to me there is no such thing as "normal"... There's life with or without him, I've been through both, I much rather live my life with him, it's that simple.

My man rejected marrying me for years because of what he witnessed over the years in there; separations / divorce / troubles / the stress of not being able to provide more than emotionally or intellectually, etc.. finally, my man chose to marry me because it outweighed the alternative. We took a chance on one another, as any other relationship does. Has it been easy? Absolutely not! It's been worth it though.

Oh and "intimacy"... I have never been more intimate with anyone else, ever! Have we had sex, nope. Intimacy, wow... just wow! It took me reading about intimacy to learn I have only allowed myself to be intimate with him - and that realization placed me on a path of self-awareness / an amazing journey, turning me into again an even greater version of myself.

The journey of his imprisonment, has been mine as well. My journey out here, has also been his.


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Old 10-05-2019, 07:38 PM
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I agree with everything the last two posts have said. People think you are crazy to love a lifer -- even some people on here -- but you love the man. Our journey has not been easy, he was raised on the streets and I am a "square." But there is just such a strong connection that we have kept trying even after I called it quits. Now I "hear" what that tough guy is saying because, for so long, I only listened to the words and didn't understand. He is learning new ways to tell me what is in his soul. It is good and I have learned how to live in two worlds. We are calm and peaceful now and I am his sunshine and his hope. He is my sounding board, my lover, and my best friend as well as my man. He is irreplaceable to me and that is why I'm in it. No other can take his place. This works because I am happy in my job and living alone. I am very independent and strong. So is he. We fit and daily we learn and grow together. There is really nothing more to add. Love is love.
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Old 10-06-2019, 12:31 AM
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I didn't "decide" to love a lifer, it just happened over time.
We started as Pen Pals and it took us about two years to "admit" to each other that we both fell in love with each other. He's still in - just about 26 years - but his chances of coming home in the not so distant future are good.
We are two special brands of crazy who've found each other. No talks about soulmates (which I hate anyway) or forever whatever... we're cruising along and enjoy what we have and it's exactly what we both need.
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Old 10-07-2019, 09:51 PM
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I didn't "decide" to love a lifer, it just happened over time.
We started as Pen Pals and it took us about two years to "admit" to each other that we both fell in love with each other. He's still in - just about 26 years - but his chances of coming home in the not so distant future are good.
We are two special brands of crazy who've found each other. No talks about soulmates (which I hate anyway) or forever whatever... we're cruising along and enjoy what we have and it's exactly what we both need.
I agree that it is not a decision -- it's a process. I suppose as with any evolving relationship, that process can stall or go forward depending on how willing both parties are to explore it honestly. Bottom line: it's an always-ongoing conversation -- between the two people, and within the two people.

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Old 10-08-2019, 08:36 AM
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I really do appreciate all of y'alls thoughts on this! There is just so much to think about. But I am a very strong and independent women and I honestly think I can do this! I am madly in love with him and know there will never be another man I feel like this about! I am just scared that I make this decision now and in 10 years....I can't handle it anymore and end up crushing him. It is scary! It's scary bc I do love him so much! But I think if we can just keep up the communication with the letters and the phone calls and always stay 100% with each other, than we can do this! God knows the love is already there! We just have to keep feeding it like any other relationship! Thank you so much ladies! I love the support that we can bring to each other!
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Old 10-08-2019, 11:03 AM
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I really do appreciate all of y'alls thoughts on this! There is just so much to think about. But I am a very strong and independent women and I honestly think I can do this! I am madly in love with him and know there will never be another man I feel like this about! I am just scared that I make this decision now and in 10 years....I can't handle it anymore and end up crushing him. It is scary! It's scary bc I do love him so much! But I think if we can just keep up the communication with the letters and the phone calls and always stay 100% with each other, than we can do this! God knows the love is already there! We just have to keep feeding it like any other relationship! Thank you so much ladies! I love the support that we can bring to each other!
I'm guessing all of us are prepared to do this at the beginning. Halfway through 10 years for me, and it sucks every single night I go to bed alone. Props to you ladies/men that can find it within you to never be able share simple things like a walk in a park, going to a movie, or having dinner. Your story involves leaving a husband with 2 kids for someone who never gets out and a SO. The father has a chance to take them both from you. That's a decision very few would make. 10 years? .. wait until 10 months go by and you still have no finish line. I haven't found one part of this that's fun or exciting, except the 2-3 hours a day, 3 days a week I get to visit (in a prison) my wife and pretend my own reality isn't true. Then I get the fun walk back to the car after a visit going home by myself, for 2055 more days. All of it f'ing blows.
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Old 10-08-2019, 11:20 AM
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I couldn't do it and I wouldn't do it. All the love in the world would not make me put my life "on hold" (relationship-/love-life). Life's too short & too valuable to me.
He's a great addition to my life who makes my hair turn grey and my heart-rate go up but I'm not planning around him or even with him. I make room for him.
It's different if you have been together before incarceration, I get that, but as an "MWI" I'm staying away for a long-term commitment for as long as he's in prison.
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Old 10-08-2019, 11:44 AM
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Then I get the fun walk back to the car after a visit going home by myself, for 2055 more days. All of it f'ing blows.
This is when I start to cry. Every damn time.
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Old 10-08-2019, 12:54 PM
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This is when I start to cry. Every damn time.
You'd think after doing it the previous 2000 times you'd get used to it... then, you have a super fun visit, our small family all together, and you ALMOST feel like your own life isn't owned by DOC.. and then the 5 minute warning comes, and your slapped back into the real world and you barely can make it back to the car without tears. I feel you on this one..

OP is CHOOSING to get into a life (sorry Flower, we've all been down the road of appeals, hope, and begging, it never happens) where bad days far outweigh good days... and in your case, you do it well.. for forever. Let's not sugarcoat or fantasize that this is some great path we all walk, and that being independent or strong is going to be enough on days where it will bring you to your knees. How can it? Your new dude is in a prison cell. Forever. You've been doing this a few months. You got a LOOONNGGG way to go. Why are you excited about this? Love is enough? This is TORTURE, plain and simple. My wife at least has a finish line and I'll still be young enough to enjoy 30-40 years with her.

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Old 10-08-2019, 01:36 PM
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My wife at least has a finish line and I'll still be young enough to enjoy 30-40 years with her.
My husband's finish line is next month and I still hate every moment of it.

I wish the OP much luck. The love itself is not the issue because God knows I love my husband to the moon and back. The issue is the hell we go through to maintain and nurture that love.
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Old 10-09-2019, 08:15 AM
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I couldn't do it and I wouldn't do it. All the love in the world would not make me put my life "on hold" (relationship-/love-life). Life's too short & too valuable to me.
He's a great addition to my life who makes my hair turn grey and my heart-rate go up but I'm not planning around him or even with him. I make room for him.
It's different if you have been together before incarceration, I get that, but as an "MWI" I'm staying away for a long-term commitment for as long as he's in prison.
Can I ask you a question about this? What does your SO think about you having him in your life???
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Old 10-09-2019, 08:20 AM
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You'd think after doing it the previous 2000 times you'd get used to it... then, you have a super fun visit, our small family all together, and you ALMOST feel like your own life isn't owned by DOC.. and then the 5 minute warning comes, and your slapped back into the real world and you barely can make it back to the car without tears. I feel you on this one..

OP is CHOOSING to get into a life (sorry Flower, we've all been down the road of appeals, hope, and begging, it never happens) where bad days far outweigh good days... and in your case, you do it well.. for forever. Let's not sugarcoat or fantasize that this is some great path we all walk, and that being independent or strong is going to be enough on days where it will bring you to your knees. How can it? Your new dude is in a prison cell. Forever. You've been doing this a few months. You got a LOOONNGGG way to go. Why are you excited about this? Love is enough? This is TORTURE, plain and simple. My wife at least has a finish line and I'll still be young enough to enjoy 30-40 years with her.
I realize that it will torture....I honestly do. But I have already fallen for this man. How do you look at someone and tell them...I love you deeply but not that deeply. I am struggling. And honestly I will not be able to 100% know if I can do it until I am in the mist of it.
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Old 10-09-2019, 08:24 AM
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Can I ask you a question about this? What does your SO think about you having him in your life???
Sure! He loves it. He loves and appreciates me and we are enjoying each other. We've been through some rough times in those last 4+ years but best remedy ever is talking with and listening to each other. He does not take me for granted and I'm really happy that I've found him.
And it goes both ways.
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Old 10-09-2019, 08:26 AM
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I realize that it will torture....I honestly do. But I have already fallen for this man. How do you look at someone and tell them...I love you deeply but not that deeply. I am struggling. And honestly I will not be able to 100% know if I can do it until I am in the mist of it.
How about thinking a little different? How about "I love you very much but I love me more" (or something to that effect)?
You have not put him in prison, you can still be a great supporter and friend without sitting for years/decades even to wait for him. He cannot and should not expect that. That's too much to ask for if you you'd ask me...
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Old 10-09-2019, 09:45 AM
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How about thinking a little different? How about "I love you very much but I love me more" (or something to that effect)?
You have not put him in prison, you can still be a great supporter and friend without sitting for years/decades even to wait for him. He cannot and should not expect that. That's too much to ask for if you you'd ask me...
I think the romantic element gets in the way of that. As beautiful as a supportive, enduring friendship is, it is somehow not of the same order as a full-on romantic commitment. It goes towards that inexplicable, irrational desire people do have to get married, despite it being 'just a piece of paper.' Symbolically (and also in some tangible, practical ways), the piece of paper makes the world of difference. Not saying evceryone feels that way (sounds like you don't, and that's totally fine), but probably the majority do.

I honestly don't feel like I've put my life on hold or made my life somehow any less by marrying my lifer. I'm very happy to wear the ring and call him mine. Happiness is something that isn't dependent on a certain set of external circumstances - at least that's how I feel about it, but others may have different conceptions of it.

What I do very much agree on is that the feeling of being in love now can't be the basis for making this kind of commitment. What the OP is describing is that beautiful, mad-crazy in love phase that does calm down with time. So then what? How will the relationship move forward emotionally when the mad-crazy feelings have leveled off? Will regular feelings of life, including the usual irritations and disappointments with someone, be enough to carry them through? That's why I think this decision has to come from a much deeper -- and more sober and even sorrowful -- place than the initial in-love phase. What allows romantic relationships and marriages to endure over time?
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Old 10-09-2019, 10:59 AM
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I realize that it will torture....I honestly do. But I have already fallen for this man. How do you look at someone and tell them...I love you deeply but not that deeply. I am struggling. And honestly I will not be able to 100% know if I can do it until I am in the mist of it.
It shouldn't have anything to do with how much you love someone. I don't know if my wife had 40 years left, if I could stay married to her. I personally think men in my situation would have already divorced their wives. But we have a kid, a finish line (still awhile to go), and I know 100% there's no other woman for me in this universe. I want to do things with her that doesn't involve walking to a vending machine to buy her a soda. I want to hug someone at night, or cuddle on the couch watching a bad movie while she eats ice cream. I want to watch her eyes light up during a winter storm by the Pacific ocean. I want to see her in clothes that aren't some shitty ass navy blue sweatshirt or T-shirt with jeans that barely fit her. One day, I'm going to get these all back. I am NOT criticizing or judging anyone that loves someone whose never coming home. Those people though, have already been through the process of accepting that. You are not going to have those things, probably for the rest of your life. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but far too many times in this type of life, women (some men) throw 3, 5, 8, 10+ years into this and it ends in disaster or they just can't do it anymore. I can't imagine what that must feel like. You said what if I can't do it after a 10 year mark and he gets crushed. What about you? How are you going to feel if you tossed 10 years at it for nothing?

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Old 10-09-2019, 01:34 PM
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I realize that it will torture....I honestly do. But I have already fallen for this man. How do you look at someone and tell them...I love you deeply but not that deeply. I am struggling. And honestly I will not be able to 100% know if I can do it until I am in the mist of it.
I told my husband recently, "I loved you the entire time I walked out, I just quit showing it".
He use to tell me that he loves me more than I love him, I had to remind him that, "love is love, none is greater, none is deeper or enough", I love him, but that doesn't mean things in my life wont stand or come before him... I chose to "share my life with him", not make him my life. Be clear to your lifer of your intentions and make sure he is clear that he understands them as well.

Sounds like you're diving into this without touching temperatures and head first... to each their own, you know what you're doing any why.

Just remember that your struggles become a burden on a loved one incarcerated. Imagine yourself in his daily shoes and not being able to provide for you.. it's a struggle for him too. Just be prepared to feel like it's you who gives more and him who feels he can never give enough.

Enjoy your journey - love is amazing!


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Old 10-09-2019, 01:47 PM
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You said what if I can't do it after a 10 year mark and he gets crushed. What about you? How are you going to feel if you tossed 10 years at it for nothing?
I invested 11 years into my lifer before walking out on him and I never ever felt is was for nothing. Then we went years with no contact ((we went into our relationship understanding the reality of it and the possibilities)). The alternative (not giving apart of ourselves to the other as much or as kindly as we could) suuucks.. I'd rather sleep alone and go through my daily life with him than without him in my life at all.
If he had another 40 years to go... I would have to arrange my life around loving him while locked up for another 40 years. I'd make it work, but I can only say this today because I know what it was like for me to live my life without sharing it with him for 7 years. Years I wish I could take back and redo to include him, because with him in my life always made it better, in one way or another.

My man can walk out of prison today and we end up parting next week, for whatever reason... my hope would be I never feel that my time invested in him was a waste - I learned so much about myself through knowing him and going through all of this.


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