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  #1  
Old 09-23-2019, 11:47 AM
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Default I need advise! Torn between my Husband and Inmate from my past.

I really need some advise. I actually met my guy in elementary school and then went all the way thru high school together. We lost touch and then saw each other again 8 years later but by that time we were both married with kids. So we added each other on FB and kept it platonic. At the time neither of us knew we had feelings for each other. However one day it casually came up in conversation. We still did not act on it bc it just wasn't right.

One day he just up and disappeared and I couldn't figure out what happened to him. Well I did some digging and found him. He is now in prison for life and listed as a pedophile. I KNEW this man...this sounds like BS. So I read his case and still thought it was BS. Mind you I am still married!!! But I could not get him off my mind!!! So one day out of the blue I wrote him! He was so grateful to hear from me (or anyone at that point). We have been writing for 5 months and talking on the phone for 3 months. We literally just write and talk about anything. We have also talked about our feelings for one another in detail and knew if anything ever happened in my marriage that we would try and be together. Well about 2 months ago (actually it's been a long time coming. My marriage has been over for years) my husband and I started having serious problems. Oh course my inmate was by my side. Well I kicked my husband out 3 weeks ago. My inmate said he was there for me and he is (as much as he can be that is). My inmate treats me so much better than my husband ever did. We have a bond that neither one of us can explain. We enjoy all of the same things and talking with him is a breeze. We have fallen for one another. I can honestly see a future with him if he gets out! I really happy future. That is if he gets out. He is appealing it now and we are hoping for another trial.

I have been married over a decade and my husband is desperately trying to get me back. He has to work on himself and that will take at least a years time. No less bc we have been thru this before (same issue). However his stipulation is to stop talking to my inmate. He knew about the platonic letters but that is all. He has no idea I have strong feelings for this man. I am also VERY worried bc if I go thru a divorce I know without a doubt my husband will tell the court that I am writing a pedophile and try to have my 14 year old son taken away. However, my son knows about my inmate as well. They are actually very much alike and enjoy the same things as well. My son commented that it sounds like it would be a better life with my inmate than it ever was with his dad. (That is how bad my situation was)

I just don't know what to do. I love the both of them. My husband more than my inmate but my inmate is not far behind. My inmate loves me like I have needed to be loved my entire life!! He does little things for me that lets me know he cares. He calls every 2 days bc we can not go without hearing each others voice! His letters to me are the healing I need! Shows me that I can still be loved. It is literally like a Romeo and Juliet love. He has called me his true love. The love of his life. I am just so very torn. I can see a really good life with my inmate (if he gets a new trail and wins or gets a plea deal) but I have been down this road with my husband 3 times before and it never really changes. We are thinking about counseling now but how do you go into counseling knowing you have this other man on this side that has mad you happier in the last few months than you have ever been in your marriage???? But is he genuine??? I think it is but we have not had visitation yet so I can't look in his eyes and see. Hopefully that will be in the next few weeks. My husband on the other hand is getting help for the pain he has caused our family. So he is trying as well. I just do not know what to do! HELP!!!!!
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Old 09-23-2019, 12:31 PM
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Just from really far away and just a gut feeling: I believe that your inmate is giving you what your husband isn't or hasn't and he just "closed the gap".
But you cannot mix them together and make one man out of both.
Your inmate will probably not come home and if at one point not soon. He's in for a serious crime which seriously could affect the custody issue for you not quite adult child.
I cannot and will not give you an advise except to seriously think about it and again a gut feeling - cool it with the inmate. You have a lot more to loose than this guy...
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  #3  
Old 09-24-2019, 01:26 AM
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we added each other on FB and kept it platonic. At the time neither of us knew we had feelings for each other. However one day it casually came up in conversation. We still did not act on it bc it just wasn't right.

I am also VERY worried bc if I go thru a divorce I know without a doubt my husband will tell the court that I am writing a pedophile and try to have my 14 year old son taken away. However, my son knows about my inmate as well. They are actually very much alike and enjoy the same things as well. My son commented that it sounds like it would be a better life with my inmate than it ever was with his dad. (That is how bad my situation was)

HELP!!!!!

Fu*king FaceBook!!! Nooo, it's not FB's fault for all these affairs that kick off with written words! For me, since I have a cheating streak, I need my husband to have access to ALL my accounts, or should I say "our" accounts.

Anyways, I feel you on this rough and uncomfortable situation, really I do, I've been there and royally fu*ked up my life, taking down my husband, the boyfriend, my child and everyone in between who loved us all - what a nightmare it was for years...the guilt oooh my it took me so long to heal.

At first I tried to convince myself that I needed this or that, but shiiiit we're born with an intuition for a damn reason! We know when we're going against the odds, we do!

You know what you should do, ask yourself why and or why you'd rather not do it that way. Counseling is definitely helpful. Your friend or love of our life isn't going anywhere, if he loves you he will encourage and support that you take time for yourself to sort out some deep seeded things. You're not walking away from him in doing that, plus I'm a firm believer that our children and their protection come before any of our love interests.

Be creative and careful with all of this. I wish you the best on your journey.


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Old 09-24-2019, 06:45 AM
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I have given you your own thread and deleted your duplicate thread. I have also slightly amended your title so our members can search for your thread and provide comments and share experiences.
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Old 09-24-2019, 06:53 AM
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My inmate does encourage me to take time for myself. He has been thru a divorce and has expressed that he knows it takes time to heal. He told me to take as long as I need and that he will be there for me and regardless of my decision. I just feel the love he gives me is the love that I was supposed to have all along!! He loves me unconditionally!
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Originally Posted by 408MoonGem View Post

Fu*king FaceBook!!! Nooo, it's not FB's fault for all these affairs that kick off with written words! For me, since I have a cheating streak, I need my husband to have access to ALL my accounts, or should I say "our" accounts.

Anyways, I feel you on this rough and uncomfortable situation, really I do, I've been there and royally fu*ked up my life, taking down my husband, the boyfriend, my child and everyone in between who loved us all - what a nightmare it was for years...the guilt oooh my it took me so long to heal.

At first I tried to convince myself that I needed this or that, but shiiiit we're born with an intuition for a damn reason! We know when we're going against the odds, we do!

You know what you should do, ask yourself why and or why you'd rather not do it that way. Counseling is definitely helpful. Your friend or love of our life isn't going anywhere, if he loves you he will encourage and support that you take time for yourself to sort out some deep seeded things. You're not walking away from him in doing that, plus I'm a firm believer that our children and their protection come before any of our love interests.

Be creative and careful with all of this. I wish you the best on your journey.

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Old 09-24-2019, 06:56 AM
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Question User name

Thank you. I am new to this so I was not sure how to post. Also, can you tell me how to change my user name???
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I have given you your own thread and deleted your duplicate thread. I have also slightly amended your title so our members can search for your thread and provide comments and share experiences.
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Old 09-24-2019, 07:09 AM
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Thank you. I am new to this so I was not sure how to post. Also, can you tell me how to change my user name???
I can change your user name for you : ) Click on my user name to send me a private message w/3 alternative user names & an email address for confirmation once its changed.

Are you and your inmate MWI?
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Old 09-24-2019, 07:42 AM
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My inmate does encourage me to take time for myself. He has been thru a divorce and has expressed that he knows it takes time to heal. He told me to take as long as I need and that he will be there for me and regardless of my decision. I just feel the love he gives me is the love that I was supposed to have all along!! He loves me unconditionally!

You can be loved unconditionally by a friend as well - a good friend. It does need to mean you have to break up your marriage completely. See it for what it probably is - a real good friendship. Because real friends support each other no matter what.
Maybe you and your husband need marriage counseling where you can express exactly this in front of a licensed therapist and this therapist will guide you through our feelings and thoughts.

There's still a husband and a child in the whole equation and I kind of sort of feel for your husband when he says he'd like to try again but without the inmate involved. Because he might be good to you at this point but is a disruption to your marriage and maybe a new beginning?
Just thinking out loud... :-)
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Old 09-24-2019, 08:21 AM
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I agree with a lot of other posters. Why does a decision have to be made right this second? Do you feel if you do not make a decision right this second that you will lose both parties, or do I hear fear that if you make a decision you may feel it's the wrong one?

The issue is, there is no one here that can tell you what is right or wrong for you. We can all share what we believe or what we would do, but only you can work out what would be right for you.

I guess I will ask you to consider some questions. For the guy that is incarcerated...is his crime something you can honestly live with. For your husband, what is it that you were lacking from your relationship? If he did something, do you believe you can honestly forgive him and begin to repair a relationship? All of these questions take time to answer. Honesty and transparency are the best way to counteract confusion. If you do not know what to do, share that with your husband and see how he reacts and also put yourself in his position as well. Would you be hurt if he came to you and let you know that he had been writing someone that he fell in love with and now is struggling to decide how to move forward? This isn't just about you, it impacts multiple people in your life. So the best thing to do is being honest and forthcoming. At this point I am torn. I do not know what to do and I need time. If time is not something you can give me, I respect that and we can both leave here amicably.

As a previous poster mentioned. If your relationship is truly worth it, figuring out tools to see if it can work out through therapy or other means and letting your friend know hat they simply need to stay a friend until you sort this out.
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Old 09-24-2019, 09:26 AM
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You having an emotional affair. You have to choose are you going to stop your affair with no communication and work on your marriage? Or are you going to leave you marriage and have a relationship with the inmate. I think you need to make a decision. It’s easy to stay confused and freeze in the decision making. This will only make all three of you miserable and frustrated. You can’t drag it in forever sorry In my opinion it’s selfish.
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Old 09-24-2019, 09:53 AM
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We are thinking about counseling now but how do you go into counseling knowing you have this other man on this side that has mad you happier in the last few months than you have ever been in your marriage
I didn't sleep, you're situation stained my mind & all I could think about was how you could get counseling, for yourself while your husband does his counseling. Maybe then you'll have the answers and understanding as to why someone at a distance has provided more happiness for you than your marriage ever could.

Are those words you've told your husband?

Regardless what you decide to do, I strongly suggest maintaining incognito / confidential / unknown and unseen comtact with your inmate fella, at all cost.

I feel for ya, this is such an unfair position to be in.

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Old 09-24-2019, 10:01 AM
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I can honestly see a future with him if he gets out! I really happy future. That is if he gets out. He is appealing it now and we are hoping for another trial.
That's a pretty big wrench in that though, isn't it? If you choose the inmate and he doesn't get out, life in prison is a commitment that only the strongest can make.
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Old 09-24-2019, 10:32 AM
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The grass is not always greener. If you hadn't started this emotional affair with this man would you have kicked your husband out? Would you be willing to work on your relationship with your husband? Are you willing to lose custody of your children for this man?

if he is a true pedophile they are excellent at grooming. He very easily could be telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants from you.

You need to step back from both men and figure out yourself before you make any decisions. Get some therapy for yourself.
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Old 09-24-2019, 12:02 PM
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This will only make all three of you miserable and frustrated.
Not to mention the child involved.
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Old 09-24-2019, 12:14 PM
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Maybe your done with your husband and he won’t get better. That doesn’t mean this other guy is the answer either. I didn’t see the first read through that he is a convicted pedophile. I don’t judge because I know the laws can use a wide range of reasons to convict someone of this offense. I would suggest you really investigate the loving a sex offender post on here. It does not look like an easy life. There are real concerns beyond if he is going to harm your child, which is a legit concern in some cases. SO’s have to go beyond normal parole restrictions and sometimes it effects their life forever. Learn about the struggles you would face it’s not romantic at all. Look at loving a long term offender posts too. Years and years writing and having timed recorded phone calls sounds horrible to me. I did it for only ten months and I was quite done with it already. Good luck none of this sounds easy
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Old 09-24-2019, 01:28 PM
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I love the both of them. My husband more than my inmate...

That's your answer.


You have a 10+ year marriage and a 14 year old son.

Your inmate might be a decent guy, but he's got a scarlet letter, and actually your son and your inmate "being alike"....that's such a vague statement, but your inmate is in prison for having a sexual interest in minors. That would scare me more than anything.


I'm going to point again. You've said yourself who your love is with. You have a 14 year old to think about. Your husband WILL use this against you. And it's great to have a fantasy with someone you can't be with when they're locked up. Sometimes those things come true on the outside. But his status, the fact that you even state you love your husband more (issues or not...) and your confusion on the issue tells me...this is a time to work on the marriage you have, and not the inmate you don't.


Your husband screwed up. Okay. Cool. Guess what though? You're having an emotional affair with an inmate. Sounds like you both screwed up as far as the marriage is concerned and I'm thinking you probably have some garbage of your own that you need to own up to as to why this is not working. Suck it up and get counseling, both individual and marriage. Figure it out. Don't play this game.



Good luck to you.



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Old 09-24-2019, 05:08 PM
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Alright so first of all, Romeo and Juliet is not “omg hashtag relationship goals”. Romeo and Juliet was a 3 day infatuation between two spoiled teenagers that resulted in 6 deaths. Your situation deals with real people with real feelings, real crimes, real prison sentences, real children, real marriage vows, and real consequences.

The most sobering fact in your situation is the near certainty that his sentence will be upheld. Appeals that result in a sex offense conviction being overturned are like... ok, seriously, I can’t even find one example. It’s so incredibly unlikely. To say it’s a pipe dream would be entirely too optimistic. So you really must proceed with the knowledge that he will be imprisoned for his life sentence (you don’t get to take a plea deal after you’ve already gone to trial and been sentenced, I’m not sure where that idea came from).

Anyway... I think you need to deal with the two situations independently. Right now, you owe it to your husband (who you love) to either set your infatuation with an incarcerated man aside and commit to working things out with him, OR to divorce him before you choose to pursue another man.

Once you’ve made that decision AND FOLLOWED THROUGH you can choose how to deal with prison guy.
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Old 09-24-2019, 09:51 PM
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Fu*king FaceBook!!! Nooo, it's not FB's fault for all these affairs that kick off with written words! For me, since I have a cheating streak, I need my husband to have access to ALL my accounts, or should I say "our" accounts.

LOL! And can I say LOL again! That was my very first and last thought too! Has anyone brought suit against Zuckerberg for loss of consortium yet?!
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Old 09-24-2019, 10:15 PM
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Visitor and Marseille beat me to it, so let me just echo their very astute observation: chances are about 99.999% that he will spend the rest of his life in prison, and if so, being with a lifer is a ball breaker -- can you see yourself carrying this love through that situation? These appeal reversals are soul-sucking pipe dreams most of the time, and on the extremely rare occasion that they do happen, everybody has white hair by the time they do -- from the heartache and the advancing years.

Someone else pointed out that if he is an actual pedophile, that has some serious implications. Setting aside any prejudice about grooming his next set of victims, which I find unlikely under the circumstances (he's not looking at a release date in any realistic way at the moment), he likely has that preference -- which of course begs the question where do you fit in, not being a child / nymphet (anymore, as you were when you guys were Romeo and Juliet).

None of this means that your closeness at the moment is fake -- not at all. It's a closeness that comes about through honest communication, which does bloom frequently under these circumstances. There's a lot of introspecting done in prison. There's no room for acting out, for distractions, for finding comfort in the one night stand when the wife or girlfriend at home disappoints with a bad mood. It all has to come back to the lonely heart with pen and paper in hand.

But: is that closeness -- the closeness of great friends -- enough for you as a lasting intimate relationship, given the limitations, the unanswered questions, and the possibly terrifying consequences (such as loss of custody)?

Last edited by Taliba00; 09-24-2019 at 10:49 PM..
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Old 09-25-2019, 12:10 AM
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Default I need advise! Torn between my Husband and Inmate from my past.

I think you have had some really good common sense advice here. You need to make a clear decision without the rose colour glasses. No relationships are perfect they need to be worked on and nurtured.
You have a husband and a child that deserve a clear decision from you.
Your inmate friend isnít Romeo he is a convicted pedophile serving life. I strongly suggest you research our loving a sex offender forum. I donít think anyone on there is finding the reality of living with such an offender romantic . He is likely to be incarcerated for many years and heavily restricted for many more.

Please think carefully about what you are throwing away in pursuit of a romantic day dream. You seem to be projecting all your needs on to this incarcerated man.
End of the day itís your choice try and make a common sense choice.
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Old 09-25-2019, 07:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisFlower82 View Post


My marriage has been over for years) my husband and I started having serious problems. Oh course my inmate was by my side. Well I kicked my husband out 3 weeks ago. My inmate said he was there for me and he is (as much as he can be that is). My inmate treats me so much better than my husband ever did.



I have been married over a decade and my husband is desperately trying to get me back.
-
He has to work on himself and that will take at least a years time.

No less bc we have been thru this before (same issue). However his stipulation is to stop talking to my inmate. He knew about the platonic letters but that is all.


I just don't know what to do. I love the both of them.


but I have been down this road with my husband 3 times before and it never really changes. We are thinking about counseling now but how do you go into counseling knowing you have this other man on this side that has mad you happier in the last few months than you have ever been in your marriage????

But is he genuine??? I think it is but we have not had visitation yet
so I can't look in his eyes and see. Hopefully that will be in the next few weeks.

My husband on the other hand is getting help for the pain he has caused our family. So he is trying as well.

I just do not know what to do! HELP!!!!!

hola chica,
right to the point +
I've underscored tonight,
a few relevant things about your post.

1.) Your man is going to therapy an or already has sought help,
and or at your loving behest to go to therapy demonstrate a feasible "changed man"
for the BETTER.
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Personally...
I have to applaud him for such show of action, maturity and respect toward you and your union, to get help(therapy)
as most men i've known are not like that.(I know of "2" who have though.)
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2.) If you're inmate is "genuine" is all predicated upon 1 word, that for me, i always remember that it's about A-C-T-I-O-N.

3.)You owe it to your guy(the one who you are married to) a chance for him to be happy without you,
IF you're going to really give up on years of being with this man, knowing him inside out." The bad, but also the "good."

I always say that, "If the GOOD outweigh the bad, then there's your answer, and you two as a winning team, united as 1 work on it."
I believe in that, wholly as mi parents still say to all of us." (They been married happily IN amor) for six decades."
-

-
If you plan to just leave him, give up, at least let him know ahead of time, before going "forward with your inmate." If you're thinking it would be much "better" with an inmate, who is convicted of a very staid crime, that involve a little child.or teen child not sure, but he was convicted, you're to think about this too, even if "some feel a man convicted of such a heinous crime can change and yes, you're to feasibly lose custody of your fourteen year old child, if it was learned et.al., (if you're planning on continuing what you are doing, at whatever level, with an inmate like him." So many things to think about, so take your time, (don't rush it!)Think, and think some more, meditate over it all, and i am sure you're going to do what is right, chica, as i know it's hard for you,however a wise decision, take "time" hence, can't be rushed."

-
I wish you the best of luck, as no 1 who is a good person and or "trying to be one, by therapy etc al., trying to change" no one deserve to be:

-deceived...disrespected.
-cheated on.to be cheated on, is the "worse" for some, and i am just giving mi own opine on such relevant matter..."
So please take your spouse feelings into consideration + make not only the best decision, but the "right" decision,for all involved. Adios.
__________________
Lead with your "mind" + not your heart.#BeSmart #ChooseRight

Life is too short to "settle."

#Strength is Power.

#KnowyourWorth

T.A.A.S.(there are ALWAYS signs.)Don't ignore them.

Last edited by a.rare.love; 09-25-2019 at 07:58 PM..
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