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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

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  #1  
Old 06-16-2017, 04:54 PM
Norcaldad Norcaldad is offline
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Default My son got 15 to life I'm feeling broken

I have known about the sentence for a while now. He sat in county for four years while trial was going on.i was able to have non-contact visits with him during that time but he has been gone for about 6 months now and I'm anxiously awaiting my approval or denial for a visit. I haven't been able to give my son a hug in over four years. Every day I think about his sentence and what he must be going through and how he feels about his life. I can't even describe how hard that is. He's not married does not have any kids so I am basically all he has. I have to travel 13 hours to visit him assuming I get approved. This whole thing has just got me feeling defeated.
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Old 06-16-2017, 05:20 PM
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this but keep the faith and stay strong in prayer. God does change things
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Old 06-16-2017, 05:32 PM
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I'm sorry you have to deal with this but keep the faith and stay strong in prayer. God does change things
Thank you for the kind words
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Old 06-16-2017, 05:34 PM
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Thank you for the kind words


Anytime ❤️❤️❤️
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Old 06-17-2017, 08:00 AM
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I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you, AND for him. I keep all families of the incarcerated and the inmates themselves in prayer. I wish I could do more, but that's all I have to offer.
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Old 06-17-2017, 08:32 AM
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Thank you very much for your prayers
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Old 06-17-2017, 10:38 PM
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Yes it's hard for us, but it's harder for them. My boyfriend got a 30 year sentence, I thought I would never make it through, but I wanted to be there for him and I did not want to abandon him like all his family and friends did. He has served 12 years and he comes home in 8 days. I remember seeing 30 YEARS on the DOC website and thinking "I can't do this". And several times throughout this bid I thought "I can't finish this" when it got really hard, but I never told him that. But that feeling passes, things get easier, but never easy. It's a financial hardship supporting someone in prison, the phone calls, the visits, the money on their books, stamps for letters, but you just put it in your budget. Just remember he needs your emotional support, your letters, your phone calls. You WILL be ok, you don't have a choice, you have to be ok, so he will be ok.
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Old 06-17-2017, 10:52 PM
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Yes it's hard for us, but it's harder for them. My boyfriend got a 30 year sentence, I thought I would never make it through, but I wanted to be there for him and I did not want to abandon him like all his family and friends did. He has served 12 years and he comes home in 8 days. I remember seeing 30 YEARS on the DOC website and thinking "I can't do this". And several times throughout this bid I thought "I can't finish this" when it got really hard, but I never told him that. But that feeling passes, things get easier, but never easy. It's a financial hardship supporting someone in prison, the phone calls, the visits, the money on their books, stamps for letters, but you just put it in your budget. Just remember he needs your emotional support, your letters, your phone calls. You WILL be ok, you don't have a choice, you have to be ok, so he will be ok.
Thank you for the kind encouraging words..we are at the beginning of a long road and sometimes I find myself feeling overwhelmed.
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Old 06-18-2017, 04:18 PM
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So sorry for you. The only way to get through a long hard road is one day at a time. One of the best pieces of advice I got about jail - but it also applies to you since you are also serving his sentence in a way, was - "the first hour is the hardest hour, the first day is the hardest day, the first week is the hardest week" etc. Best not to look too far ahead. Focus on what you can do - for yourself as well as for him - today, tomorrow, next week. And don't hesitate to have some pleasure for yourself if and when you can find it. It may feel disloyal but it isn't at all, it will keep you healthier, and it's what he'd want for you too.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 06-18-2017, 05:46 PM
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Also I found focusing on myself and my/our future helped. I already went to college, so I didn't need to do that, but I did take some CISCO Networking classes and a computer repair class at Vo-tech just to learn some hardware skills, this was just for fun. I also do volunteer work in a Prison Ministry and a Food Pantry in addition to working a full time job. I worked an extra part time job at one point to pay off the house, mortgage free at this point. Graduated a kid through high school and almost through college (1 more year). Bought a brand new vehicle. I keep busy with my life, I still have to live, take care of stuff out here just like he has to take classes and stuff in there.
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Old 06-18-2017, 06:20 PM
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My husband is in 15 years so far on a 4year-life sentence.
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Old 12-05-2017, 09:05 PM
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My son will plead to 25 years tomorrow; he'll have to serve at least 85%, and most likely the full amount, possibly followed by civil commitment for life. He has been in a pretty decent county jail for three months, will transfer to a state prison for sex offenders that has a bad reputation, sometime in early 2018. His dad,brother, and I are sick with grief and shock that he would molest a child he claimed to love, also scared and sad for him. We never saw any indication of that in him, nor did the girl's mom (they lived together for 3 and 1/2 years), or his previous girlfriend (who is still a friend of our family, and has visited him a few times.) She lives an hour from him, we live 9 or 10 hours away, have been 3 times and will go again before Christmas. But we are in our 70s, so we will never see him out of prison again. I can't sleep without nighttime Tylenol or prescription sleeping pills, and my husband of 47 years and I are snapping at each other much more than ever before. I can't even bring myself to tell my siblings or my oldest friends, I just go on pretending everything is normal.
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Old 12-05-2017, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Jane Bee View Post
My son will plead to 25 years tomorrow; he'll have to serve at least 85%, and most likely the full amount, possibly followed by civil commitment for life. He has been in a pretty decent county jail for three months, will transfer to a state prison for sex offenders that has a bad reputation, sometime in early 2018. His dad,brother, and I are sick with grief and shock that he would molest a child he claimed to love, also scared and sad for him. We never saw any indication of that in him, nor did the girl's mom (they lived together for 3 and 1/2 years), or his previous girlfriend (who is still a friend of our family, and has visited him a few times.) She lives an hour from him, we live 9 or 10 hours away, have been 3 times and will go again before Christmas. But we are in our 70s, so we will never see him out of prison again. I can't sleep without nighttime Tylenol or prescription sleeping pills, and my husband of 47 years and I are snapping at each other much more than ever before. I can't even bring myself to tell my siblings or my oldest friends, I just go on pretending everything is normal.
I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. We cannot predict our children's future or what they will do with their lives we can only hope they do good. There is never a sign that something is bad and I'm sorry he hurt all of you and most of all the child. I will say a prayer for your family.
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Old 12-23-2017, 05:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nonamesleftlol View Post
Yes it's hard for us, but it's harder for them. My boyfriend got a 30 year sentence, I thought I would never make it through, but I wanted to be there for him and I did not want to abandon him like all his family and friends did. He has served 12 years and he comes home in 8 days. I remember seeing 30 YEARS on the DOC website and thinking "I can't do this". And several times throughout this bid I thought "I can't finish this" when it got really hard, but I never told him that. But that feeling passes, things get easier, but never easy. It's a financial hardship supporting someone in prison, the phone calls, the visits, the money on their books, stamps for letters, but you just put it in your budget. Just remember he needs your emotional support, your letters, your phone calls. You WILL be ok, you don't have a choice, you have to be ok, so he will be ok.
Question: how did he get 30 years but comes out in 12? Thats remarkable and congrats
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Old 12-23-2017, 06:01 PM
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Question: how did he get 30 years but comes out in 12? Thats remarkable and congrats
Different state, different sentence guidelines. In NY one will serve 85% of their VFO sentence.
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