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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

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  #1  
Old 12-28-2011, 12:46 AM
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Default So are you saying that you've been celibate all this time ( honestly)

I read post on here all the time about how long our loved one is gone but my some answers seem UNREAL.So my question is:

if he has a long sentence and he has done 5 PLUS years and more HAVE YOU REALLY WENT ALL THAT TIME WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Why when he goes to prison we turn him into such a great man? They tend to be all we've ever dreamed of and more but yet PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY what can they do for us behind those walls?

We are here for them on the hopes of "When they come home" but the fact of the matter is "WE DON'T KNOW" when they are going to come home? (to the women who have waited 10 + for your hunnie did you wait all that time NO SEX
(HONESTLY)???

Doesn't it feel like life is passing you by?
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Old 12-28-2011, 12:54 AM
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Yes....I have been faithful. Sex isn't everything to me. Yeah...it would be nice, but in my opinion, if it isn't with him....it's not worth it.

What about women who have men deployed over seas for 4 or more years? They are expected to be faithful too. Only difference is, their men aren't in prison. But people don't really question them too much.

As for my guy being such a good guy now that he's in...well he was a good guy before he went in. He just f'ked up majorly. He's still the same man though. Is he perfect? Oh hell no. But either am I, you, the neighbor or anyone else.

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Old 12-28-2011, 01:35 AM
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if he has a long sentence and he has done 5 PLUS years and more HAVE YOU REALLY WENT ALL THAT TIME WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Why when he goes to prison we turn him into such a great man? He has been 'great' since the day we met almost 26 years ago.
They tend to be all we've ever dreamed of and more but yet PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY what can they do for us behind those walls?
Physically-a look/touch/hug from him is PRICELESS to me! Emotionally-he is and ALWAYS HAS BEEN my best friend/biggest supporter, the person who knows all my dreams/nightmares/hopes/wins/losses. He is the ONLY person on this earth I have no secrets from/never told a lie to. Spiritually-he prays with me/for me. We discuss our faiths (he is Muslim, I am Christian) he teaches me/answers questions with love/patience.
Walls may create physical distance but that is just geography. This man has paid bills/found me a place to live when I lost my home/found my daughter a job and many other things. The love/strength/support/concern/loyalty/humor/dedication/friendship and sooo many other things he has given/shown me from day 1 have not stopped due to incarceration, nor will my love for him.
We are here for them on the hopes of "When they come home" but the fact of the matter is "WE DON'T KNOW" when they are going to come home? (to the women who have waited 10 + for your hunnie did you wait all that time NO SEX
(HONESTLY)???
It will be 15 years in February that he's been gone. At the start he thought I needed a free man. I dated and was ALWAYS honest about where my feelings were/where I would be once he understood I didn't need free, I needed HIM. I had sex with 1 of those that I dated. That confirmed for me where my heart was. I ended things and we parted on ok terms. He later became a sperm donor for my oldest son (my 2nd child). Two years later when I wanted a 3rd and final child, I had another sperm donor and had my youngest son (3rd child). Neither males have had contact with my boys since they were babies and no longer reside in the area. My husband is the only Dad they know although they have male role models in uncles/cousins. Yes I am celibate and will remain that way. GOD willing we get him home (which we are working on and have been BLESSED by a lawyer contacting us who has worked on/won a similiar case many years later) we both know that due to health reasons, it would be too risky for me to have another child. Honestly, I wouldn't want to do daycare/diapers etc again!!
Doesn't it feel like life is passing you by?

NO! My life is with him and prison walls won't change that! I fell in love with him at the age of 12 and he with me. Almost 26 years later that love has never decreased. Whatever the next 26 years have in store for us, we will face it TOGETHER!

Free may be convenient/easier but it DOES NOT mean better!!

I have to agree with NikNak88. When my brother in law was deployed MANY times, my sister was never asked what she was/would do about sex or what he could do for her while he was away. People praised her for being strong/faithful. Sometimes I feel like people WANT those of us with an incarcerated man to cheat. I won't be the one to give them what they want.
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Old 12-28-2011, 01:42 AM
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If it's not with HIM, then I don't want it! Granted, by comparison to others here, my struggle seems slight. By the time he gets out, it will have been 13 months. But sex without love, for me, is just sex, and something that I can accomplish on my own, because it would be the same amount of passion/intimacy. I would wait a year a million times over to have the most passionate love-making of my life than to settle for mediocre sex from any random guy. There is a HUGE difference in SEX and LOVEMAKING. I'll choose the latter, anytime. I want MY MAN, and ONLY MY MAN. Yes, I am, have been, and will continue to be FAITHFUL!!!
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Old 12-28-2011, 02:37 AM
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I usually don't respond to sexual comments because I know the world has gone sex craz. I just would like to share a thought...
Sex is really best shared when you are in 'love' I'm not talking about lust-love.
I can not see myself with anybody else, so after 8 years of waiting 'Yes' I have been faithful to my man. I know God is in control, and these trials are just making us appreciate each other more. My husband is not a saint but I know I'm not either.

Many of us who live in the free world have just never gotten caught for our sins. People take each other for granted (cheat, lie,argue) when they are living together so whose to say they are better off then us who wait. I have learned to not focus on myself and give instead of myself to my man. His prayers are being answered because I'm still here waiting on him. I have been blessed through all this.
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Old 12-28-2011, 04:22 AM
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I don't have time to touch on everything (gotta head to work), so I'm just going to touch (haha) on the sex aspect.

I haven't had sex in a little over 5 years. I chose to abstain before he and I became involved. And now that we're no longer together, I'm still abstaining.

Sex ain't everything. While it's great and fun, I'm looking for something way more meaningful and long-lasting than a temporary romp with some random man.
there are ways a man can provide, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually behind those walls, that a temorary romp in the hay could never do.
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Old 12-28-2011, 08:46 AM
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My Hon has 5 more yrs before HWH and yes, it's a long haul, but I have made my mind up that if I'm in this relationship, being faithful goes with it. I have no desire to be with another man and have come to realize that a moment of pleasure can be a lifetime of pain.
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:09 AM
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My Hon has 5 more yrs before HWH and yes, it's a long haul, but I have made my mind up that if I'm in this relationship, being faithful goes with it. I have no desire to be with another man and have come to realize that a moment of pleasure can be a lifetime of pain.

I have no desire to be with another man and have come to realize that a moment of pleasure can be a lifetime of pain


LOVE IT!!!!
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:27 AM
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Didn't you ask this before in another thread you started?

I'm not understanding your last question..."don't you feel like life is passing you by?" and the issue of sex. Sex is not so important that if you're not having it, all of a sudden your missing out on life. If your life (and your relationship) is based on/focused around sex 24/7....then you have a problem...just sayin'. Don't get me wrong...sex is great...but not a necessity to live.

Have I waited the entire past 4 years, 2 months? No. But...that's because when we first "met" he was already in prison, and he told me I could have "my fun" if I felt the need to...as long as I was honest about it and used protection. I hooked-up a few times in the early stages of our relationship (and, I followed the stipulations...was protected and was honest with him). But, since our relationship and love has gotten stronger...I have stopped all that nonsense. He still tells me I have that option if I so choose...but I don't want to be with anyone else. He is the only man I want to be intimate with. So, I have been celibate for about 2 years or so now, and I will continue to do so the next 5 1/2 years til he comes home.

As for this part of your post: "but yet PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY what can they do for us behind those walls?"

Mentally and emotionally...he's my biggest supporter; he is my listening board; my best friend and confidant. I can, and do, share everything with him, and he always encourages me, gives me good advice, and comforts me with his words of love. Spiritually...he encourages me in my faith (we're both Muslim); he gives me reminders (from the Qur'an) when need-be; he'll recite the Qur'an for me; he helps me with memorization of Qur'anic verses; etc. So, yes, he does a lot for me spiritually. Physically...we have a special connection where at times, we can truly feel each others presence (I know it sounds corny, but true), and we try to do this every nite at a set time for 10 minutes. And, tho I don't get to visit often (hopefully that will change when I move this summer), his hugs, kisses, and just being able to stare into his eyes, is the most wonderful thing in this world.
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:28 AM
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"What about women who have men deployed over seas for 4 or more years? They are expected to be faithful too. Only difference is, their men aren't in prison. But people don't really question them too much"

I have one son in the military and one son who is a junkie in and out of jail ( I get the worst of both worlds as a mother lol)........my son has been in the navy for just over 8 yrs and he just re enlisted, his gf of 7 years lives directly across the street from me and she is young, every time my son deploys ( he is on his way back from his 3rd tour in afghanistan as I write this ) being faithful is questioned, also at least my son gets r and r every year and gets to come home almost every 6 months. they dont go away for years at a time they do get to see their family and girls being faithful is a big deal to them and trust me even my sons gf family tell her she is to young to be waiting............

Also in the military you can SKYPE for free.........I know my son and his girl have "skype" dates
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:38 AM
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I have waited but its not because of him I just don't believe in having sex with random people. I have to love you. My thing is this if the shoe was on the other foot a lot of men would not be going without sex. I have only been with my Fiance' for 2 years so it has not been a long wait but I am holding out because I want to feel like he feel when he comes home. This is just my opinion.
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Old 12-28-2011, 01:18 PM
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2,650+ days of celibacy. I don't regret a minute, nor would I consider random sex. Sex is just an act if there is no love there. When you love someone - sex is a way of expressing that love. I have and will continue to remain faithful to my husband, father of my children until his return.
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Old 12-28-2011, 03:51 PM
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Other guys aren't interesting to me - and sex with random people who I'm not in love with just seems like it would be so unfulfilling. I made out with someone one that I didn't love. He started kissing me and I figured why not? could be fun. It SUCKED though, there was no feeling at all. Personally, I need that connection in order for the kissing or sex to mean anything.

In other ways my husband is there for me as much as he always has been. He is there for me to talk to, he supports me, he just isn't physically here yet. And I'm not going to throw away our marriage and everything we've worked for, everything that we have, just because it would be nice to have sex right now too.
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Old 12-28-2011, 04:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mg113
"What about women who have men deployed over seas for 4 or more years? They are expected to be faithful too. Only difference is, their men aren't in prison. But people don't really question them too much"

I have one son in the military and one son who is a junkie in and out of jail ( I get the worst of both worlds as a mother lol)........my son has been in the navy for just over 8 yrs and he just re enlisted, his gf of 7 years lives directly across the street from me and she is young, every time my son deploys ( he is on his way back from his 3rd tour in afghanistan as I write this ) being faithful is questioned, also at least my son gets r and r every year and gets to come home almost every 6 months. they dont go away for years at a time they do get to see their family and girls being faithful is a big deal to them and trust me even my sons gf family tell her she is to young to be waiting............

Also in the military you can SKYPE for free.........I know my son and his girl have "skype" dates
I'm sure it is a worry AT TIMES.....depending on who the participants are.....but what I was saying is I doubt it's a common question every time they turn around....nor are the loved ones who are waiting, whether it be a man or a woman, constantly being told how "stupid" they are for waiting. Instead they are praised and told how strong they are etc etc.

I understand that military gets leave now and then.....but it's still the same concept.

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Old 12-28-2011, 04:28 PM
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I was a military wife when I was younger and I have been a fiance' to a man in prison for almost five years now. Prison is much more difficult. As a military wife I saw my husband at the least every 8 months or so. We never went years without sex or intimacy. I got to talk to my military husband for however long I wanted too. If there was a family emergency such as a death he was allowed to come home. I was never alone as I am now, didn't have to handle my finances by myself after all he was working. I don't like it but I understand why people would ask me why I would wait. It is a whole different concept having a loved one in the military then having one in prison.
However, I do not have ten years to wait....but I have stayed 100% faithful for almost five years. Is it hard not really, well the first year was the worst. The reason why I have stayed faithful has nothing to do with sex at all but commitment.
BTW, I don't find him any more desirable than before he went to prison. I was committed to him then just as I am now.
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Old 12-28-2011, 05:14 PM
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It will be 3 years in may since i've been with someone. I think about it sometimes but i truly love myself and husband. If i were to have sex with someone i would be hurting MYSELF. I guess things change when you get older because i slowed down alot. for me everything changed when i got married. It's just not worth it because there is no guarantees that I'll get mines anyway. The thing i miss the most is falling asleep in his arms.....
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Old 12-28-2011, 08:28 PM
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Yes I have been faithful and will continue to! Its been 9 months since he's been gone and we have at least 5 + yrs to go. We have been together almost 15 yrs. So I know so well what I'm waiting for and he's worth every minute! Just because he's locked up the intimacy, spirituality,etc.. doesn't go away. You have to just find creative ways to keep those things alive! In my situation it has allowed us to discover each other in aspects that we never had the time to before! We have fallen in love with each other on a whole new level! When you begin to fall in love with each other intellectually...we uncover a hole new and deeper love than before. Learning to express yourself on paper ...through words can be amazing! Yes I wish he was here physically..but we have to deal with what we have..we r married and I love him no matter where he is! Our children and his love will keep me afloat till he returns! Be strong and confident in ur love people! This is a big test...but the prize is definately worth it!
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:31 PM
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why is it so hard for some ppl to believe that sex is NOT everything?? i've been faithful the whole time and i will continue to do so,even though my man is never gonna get out. i love him. it isn't a problem to be faithful if you TRULY love your man.women that f*ck around just simply do NOT REALLY LOVE THIER MAN.the women that f*ck around have no self-control, no self respect and they damned sure have no respect for thier man....
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Old 12-28-2011, 09:48 PM
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I don't have time to touch on everything (gotta head to work), so I'm just going to touch (haha) on the sex aspect.

I haven't had sex in a little over 5 years. I chose to abstain before he and I became involved. And now that we're no longer together, I'm still abstaining.

Sex ain't everything. While it's great and fun, I'm looking for something way more meaningful and long-lasting than a temporary romp with some random man.
there are ways a man can provide, mentally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually behind those walls, that a temorary romp in the hay could never do.
I would just like to add that I was in his life for 5 years and we were a couple for a little over 4 1/2 of those years. He was sentenced to 40 years 2 years ago and I was committed to remain faithful until his release.
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:21 PM
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Yup! 375 days...... And counting.....
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Old 12-28-2011, 10:22 PM
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Quote:
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if he has a long sentence and he has done 5 PLUS years and more HAVE YOU REALLY WENT ALL THAT TIME WITHOUT ANY SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

Why when he goes to prison we turn him into such a great man? He has been 'great' since the day we met almost 26 years ago.
They tend to be all we've ever dreamed of and more but yet PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY and SPIRITUALLY what can they do for us behind those walls?
Physically-a look/touch/hug from him is PRICELESS to me! Emotionally-he is and ALWAYS HAS BEEN my best friend/biggest supporter, the person who knows all my dreams/nightmares/hopes/wins/losses. He is the ONLY person on this earth I have no secrets from/never told a lie to. Spiritually-he prays with me/for me. We discuss our faiths (he is Muslim, I am Christian) he teaches me/answers questions with love/patience.
Walls may create physical distance but that is just geography. This man has paid bills/found me a place to live when I lost my home/found my daughter a job and many other things. The love/strength/support/concern/loyalty/humor/dedication/friendship and sooo many other things he has given/shown me from day 1 have not stopped due to incarceration, nor will my love for him.
We are here for them on the hopes of "When they come home" but the fact of the matter is "WE DON'T KNOW" when they are going to come home? (to the women who have waited 10 + for your hunnie did you wait all that time NO SEX
(HONESTLY)???
It will be 15 years in February that he's been gone. At the start he thought I needed a free man. I dated and was ALWAYS honest about where my feelings were/where I would be once he understood I didn't need free, I needed HIM. I had sex with 1 of those that I dated. That confirmed for me where my heart was. I ended things and we parted on ok terms. He later became a sperm donor for my oldest son (my 2nd child). Two years later when I wanted a 3rd and final child, I had another sperm donor and had my youngest son (3rd child). Neither males have had contact with my boys since they were babies and no longer reside in the area. My husband is the only Dad they know although they have male role models in uncles/cousins. Yes I am celibate and will remain that way. GOD willing we get him home (which we are working on and have been BLESSED by a lawyer contacting us who has worked on/won a similiar case many years later) we both know that due to health reasons, it would be too risky for me to have another child. Honestly, I wouldn't want to do daycare/diapers etc again!!
Doesn't it feel like life is passing you by?

NO! My life is with him and prison walls won't change that! I fell in love with him at the age of 12 and he with me. Almost 26 years later that love has never decreased. Whatever the next 26 years have in store for us, we will face it TOGETHER!

Free may be convenient/easier but it DOES NOT mean better!!

I have to agree with NikNak88. When my brother in law was deployed MANY times, my sister was never asked what she was/would do about sex or what he could do for her while he was away. People praised her for being strong/faithful. Sometimes I feel like people WANT those of us with an incarcerated man to cheat. I won't be the one to give them what they want.
As someone reminded me by PM (thanks) I forgot to mention that my husband is a lifer. Maybe that will make more sense regarding the sperm donors lol.
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My Babies!! And my special Down Syndrome Baby (5'2" 110lbs not so much a Baby lol!!)....October is Down Syndrome Awareness month!!!!
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Old 12-29-2011, 04:10 AM
He&me He&me is offline
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I was faithful until today, its going to be 7 years soon.
But I dont know what will be tomorrow, so I would never say I will stay like this until he come home.
I am a human and I never know what my life will bring.
I love my husband and the chance to stay without sex until he come home is strong.
But I would never blame somebody that go a other way.
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Old 12-29-2011, 07:28 AM
alibren alibren is offline
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celibacy and faithfulness is the strongest unspoken magnetism that allows our relationship to stay anchored. I love it. we havent made love for 4 years and I couldnt even comprehend letting another near me. But we make love all the time through words and suggestions.
I love sex so when he first went in I thought I would pass out after six months without it. But its like everything your body adapts ,if for example you lose your sight, your body learns to listen harder. I guess we lost our sex life but now stimulate each other by communicating. strange for anyone to understand unless they have experienced this situation but it is as intimate and fulfilling as the physical act of sex.

But when hes home, dont you worry, I will be looking forward to a highly active sex life as I just fancy him sooo much and always will. chemistry is never extinguished when your in love. even after years of seperation. they'll be an earth quake on the gold coast and it will be us!
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  #24  
Old 12-29-2011, 09:02 AM
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Sweetswife Sweetswife is offline
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I am also celebate and will remain so until his homecoming. Nuns do it. Priests do it. Prison wives do it. JUST DO IT.
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Old 12-29-2011, 03:06 PM
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rokn.ruby rokn.ruby is offline
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I wasn't - then again I was real young and he was sentenced to 24+ years... I was just way too young minded bk then - he's been out now 9 months (after 12 years) sexually no one has compared to him.. it took me a long time to realize what love truly is about though... now that he's out im all about him!
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