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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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  #26  
Old 09-12-2018, 11:49 AM
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Depending on his requests, you can probably count on them not being granted, but i guess that would also depend on your judge.

For me, he requested I bring baby girl to visitation at least once a month, that got denied due to, how is it fair to force a child into that environment , as well as if he can't pay it's not fair to put it on the mother to pay.

As well as phone calls, he requested I pay for all phone calls, which again the judge said no, im raising the baby i should not have to pay for another thing as well.

He also requested i sent updates to his family, i told the judge if they want to know about baby girl they can always message me, i shouldn't have to go out of my way to inform people about her, the judge agreed.

Those are probably the biggest requests he could have. Which i see you sending letters & pictures is the way it might go. It's not to bad, and only costs about $1 a month
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His GAL said he had requests, but he didn't get to say what they were. I might find out in October at the next hearing.
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  #27  
Old 09-12-2018, 11:59 AM
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Depending on his requests, you can probably count on them not being granted, but i guess that would also depend on your judge.

For me, he requested I bring baby girl to visitation at least once a month, that got denied due to, how is it fair to force a child into that environment , as well as if he can't pay it's not fair to put it on the mother to pay.

As well as phone calls, he requested I pay for all phone calls, which again the judge said no, im raising the baby i should not have to pay for another thing as well.

He also requested i sent updates to his family, i told the judge if they want to know about baby girl they can always message me, i shouldn't have to go out of my way to inform people about her, the judge agreed.

Those are probably the biggest requests he could have. Which i see you sending letters & pictures is the way it might go. It's not to bad, and only costs about $1 a month

After how today went, I can't see this judge granting his requests. I'm thinking they were related to visitation once he's released, anyway. I'm hoping he won't want to deal with the court system on his own, especially once he's released and no longer court appointed an affordable attorney. But if they're more along the lines of the requests your ex made.. I already give him updates after doctor appointments. I have been sending photos, and he can put money on his own phone account. He works inside.


My sister-in-law told me her brother supervised visitation at Chuck E. Cheese, because they stamp you and your child's hands with matching numbers, so no one should be able to abscond with your child. I haven't been to one in close to twenty years.. lol. Financially, I can't swing supervision via a social worker and the facility I had in mind has a rather long waiting list. So, I'm willing to offer him this, and if he refuses, I'll direct him to the J&D court.
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  #28  
Old 09-12-2018, 12:15 PM
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Dang Chuck E Cheese, that's smart though, I did not know they hand stamped with the same #s.

If he wants it enough, he will do it, if not well that's his choice.
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After how today went, I can't see this judge granting his requests. I'm thinking they were related to visitation once he's released, anyway. I'm hoping he won't want to deal with the court system on his own, especially once he's released and no longer court appointed an affordable attorney. But if they're more along the lines of the requests your ex made.. I already give him updates after doctor appointments. I have been sending photos, and he can put money on his own phone account. He works inside.


My sister-in-law told me her brother supervised visitation at Chuck E. Cheese, because they stamp you and your child's hands with matching numbers, so no one should be able to abscond with your child. I haven't been to one in close to twenty years.. lol. Financially, I can't swing supervision via a social worker and the facility I had in mind has a rather long waiting list. So, I'm willing to offer him this, and if he refuses, I'll direct him to the J&D court.
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  #29  
Old 10-26-2018, 03:07 PM
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Well, the order was finalized at the hearing a few weeks ago. I received full legal and physical custody, and the judge didn't include visitation. She told his GAL, again, that either we can work it out together or he can file once he's released. He hasn't called since September 28th, and I haven't received any messages through JPAY since October 4th. So, I can only assume his phone account is out of money and he has zero stamps. I did send him a message through JPAY a few days ago, letting him know that when he's released we will both need to go to the only supervised visitation center we have in town (it's for victims of domestic abuse), self-refer ourselves, and complete intakes. That he can see our daughter when the center has availability. So, now it's up to him.
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  #30  
Old 10-26-2018, 03:44 PM
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Good on you! Those are absolutely the correct moves to make.
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  #31  
Old 11-05-2018, 07:19 PM
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He responded by telling me I'm playing games with him and because of that he won't be staying in town. This is after he already told me he was leaving a few months after his release, mind you. He said he can just go be where one of the mothers who will let him see his kids without a "middleman babysitter" lives. The center is free (according to its website), but he said he can't afford $100 twice a month for one hour visits, so I'm "doing this on purpose". Him telling this to me reminded me of when he first got his GAL. He told me his GAL told him I can make him have supervised visitation at the courthouse. The courthouse in my county doesn't do supervised visitation.

So, I guess he's not willing to try. I'm relieved, but disappointed in him. And I honestly don't think he's leaving town. And if he does? Bye.

Edit: He did add that he would still be calling our daughter every Friday at 4. He hasn't called since September 28th. I'm already prepared to toss it on speaker and say "here's our daughter" before he has a chance to question me.

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  #32  
Old 11-05-2018, 08:12 PM
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Such a lot of hot air!
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  #33  
Old 11-05-2018, 08:20 PM
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Such a lot of hot air!
I'm beginning to realize he's full of so much of it. It's moments like these when I really see that therapy is helping. Had I received this message from him back in May, I'd be falling all over myself to apologize and take it back.
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  #34  
Old 11-05-2018, 08:36 PM
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In the end, the child has to be protected.

I'm on the other side of the issue: my son is incarcerated and we (grandparents) went to court to obtain supervised visits in the prison. Our situation was a little bit different: my son was a presence in his son's life (this is his only child also) and our grandson wanted to see his Dad. So...we take our grandson at least once per month to visit. We are very fortunate that we have a workable relationship with our grandson's mother - we see him often. We've been doing this for more than 5 years.

Its in the best interest of the child to have both parents in their life if its in the best interests of the child. Its always the child's best interests that must be considered.
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Old 11-05-2018, 09:02 PM
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In the end, the child has to be protected.

I'm on the other side of the issue: my son is incarcerated and we (grandparents) went to court to obtain supervised visits in the prison. Our situation was a little bit different: my son was a presence in his son's life (this is his only child also) and our grandson wanted to see his Dad. So...we take our grandson at least once per month to visit. We are very fortunate that we have a workable relationship with our grandson's mother - we see him often. We've been doing this for more than 5 years.

Its in the best interest of the child to have both parents in their life if its in the best interests of the child. Its always the child's best interests that must be considered.
I'm truly glad he gets to see his son! I know it's important to remain connected to loved ones when incarcerated and it's so great that y'all put forth the effort to make sure that happened.

This is definitely not what I planned for when I found out we were pregnant. I wanted him in our daughter's life, and the only condition I had set before was that he be sober. The longer I'm away from him though, the more I realize he doesn't believe he has a problem and simply requesting he be sober isn't enough.
I wanted them to meet in an environment that was safe for our daughter. It's a place where he couldn't show up high. It's a place where I wouldn't have to be present, so he couldn't manipulate me. I'm just so disappointed that his response is to just leave town. He's in and out of all his other kids lives. He sporadically calls them, and that's as far as it goes. I didn't want that for our daughter.
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Old 11-06-2018, 06:10 AM
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In some cases, it's healthier for the child to be raised by one loving parent, especially when the other one is disinterested in their well being. It is harder on the child, who may not understand until they are older, if then, but what kind of information would she absorb from an active addict?
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  #37  
Old 11-06-2018, 08:43 AM
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In some cases, it's healthier for the child to be raised by one loving parent, especially when the other one is disinterested in their well being. It is harder on the child, who may not understand until they are older, if then, but what kind of information would she absorb from an active addict?

He told me a story about his eldest child once. I can't remember where they were at, but his son was maybe 4, and he went up to the counter, grabbed a pen, and put it up to his arm. He was imitating his Mom shooting up heroin, according to my ex. My ex knows how to lie, cheat, and steal. He thinks it's okay to lie on your taxes. I can't imagine our daughter absorbing the best information from her father, unfortunately.
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Old 11-06-2018, 05:22 PM
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Many factors go into this decision too (and Rigora I think you are certainly on the right track):

1. The child's previous relationship with the incarcerated parent - the judge made a huge point of this with our situation.
2. The child's age - our grandson was 7 when his Dad was incarcerated. He is now 12 and still asks continually to see his Dad. Its a positive relationship in his life
3. The ability for supervised visits - in our situation, we (his grandparents) see our son frequently as we are only 110 miles away.
5. The type of prison - our son is in a minimum security prison where the search is just a pat down and walk thru metal detector. Its very benign. I would never subject a child to anything more than this level of search.
6. Does the child want to see the incarcerated parent? In your case your daughter can't really decide. For our grandson it would be more detrimental to not allow him to continue a relationship.
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