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  #1  
Old 02-14-2015, 01:25 PM
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Quetz Quetz is offline
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Default Does this get easier?

My son is the last person on my mind when I fall asleep at night, if you want to call it sleep... more of a semi unconscious state because during this time the "what if" begin, the nightmares continue, the picturing of every bad scenario that can happen to my son locked up in prison begin to go through my mind. Then when I wake up or rather get out of bed, my son and his wellbeing are the only thing on my mind. He is on my mind every waking second of my zombie conscious state. It took every but of energy (and believe me not much left) to get out of bed. I can't imagine that this gets better with time.... I feel so helpless, I feel like I've let him down and I can't help or protect him. I need him as much as he needs me.

thank you for listening to my venting..........
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Old 02-14-2015, 07:20 PM
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I wanted to answer you though I don't have any answers because I'm right in the same place as you are. Your words are exactly how I feel too. It's all I think about anymore.
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Old 02-14-2015, 10:56 PM
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PTO helped me realize that I am not in this alone, thank you for listening
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Old 02-15-2015, 08:14 AM
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You are right, you are not alone.
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Old 02-15-2015, 11:42 AM
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It doesn't really get easy. It gets easier. It helps to keep busy and find outlets. Mine was the Goodwill and a chase foe cheap movies. Looking forward to visits and planning on that, long letters telling him what all was going on, even what I was planting in the garden filled a need. It felt like I was having a conversation. It's hard but I just thinking of giving in felt like I was hurting him more.
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Old 02-15-2015, 12:44 PM
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I sure know how you all feel. At some point I had to make a choice and decide I was going to survive and not let the stress kill me. That was not before cortisol changed my muscle into fat and my legs developed muscle strain and I tore my minuscus in a knee and was unable to walk anywhere for month. I knew I was going to get really sick if I didn't start looking after myself and bring some joy back into my life - I looked and felt like a much older lady. This state brought me to make a choice to pay attention to my stress and do everything possible to try and alleviate it's effects on my physical and mental health. I began eating properly, exercising everyday, perform conscious breathing and gave myself daily seseme oil massages ( a fantastic method for relieving stress.) I also started taking special herbs to help combat the stress. I have to say it's worked wonders. Unfortunately, the only regret I have is it took so long for me to begin self care. Seems to take forever to get it - that we need to care for ourselves in a very loving way. My wish is for all you ladies and gents begin to show your bodies and minds love in any possible, tangible, way that you can. It benefits our loved ones too, and enables us to stay strong and be helpful without enabling. It's a day by day thing and sometimes when high levels of stress return I care for myself anyways. It always pays off and helps me tremendously.
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Old 02-15-2015, 01:44 PM
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Just wanted to get back and add something to my answer. Agree with others that it doesn't get easy, just easier.

It is never normal, its not the new normal, it not normal, period.
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Old 02-15-2015, 07:40 PM
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I'd love to hear about what herbs you use. I hear what you are saying, and I feel like I've aged ten years this week.
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Old 02-15-2015, 07:53 PM
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Hi 1Dandelion:

I use the ayurvedic herbs Ashwaghanda and Shatavari. I found an almost immediate effect with them. Ashwaghanda calms the mind almost immediately and can make you feel a little sleepy for a few days then that small effect wears off. Both herbs are regenerative and give strength to fight stress. You can google them and learn more.
Traditional Organics sells them for a really decent price. You can mix a teaspoon of each into warm milk and ginger with a little honey and drink it 2x per day. I also do an all over body warm seseme oil massage called Abhyanga ( also an ayurvedic self treatment) makes me feel like I'm in heaven and has immediate results for reducing stress and is really grounding for the entire day if performed in the morning. I spend a good deal of my day just taking care of me as I've really been forced to due to the stress.
I started doing all this about 5 months ago as I was in bad physical shape and my son was getting released within 5 months. He did get out not two weeks ago and violated his conditions so is back to do his remaining 6 months. Although it's been difficult, I'm glad I have the physical strength to deal with it this time and the stress effects aren't racking my body like before. I realize everyone's different so you gotta do whatever you think is going to work for you. It's essential to get the stress levels down though, because it's so destructive to all body tissues if it's allowed to go on for a prolonged period of time.

Last edited by redtara; 02-15-2015 at 08:04 PM..
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Old 02-15-2015, 09:27 PM
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Thank you I'm going to look into those. I've been taking traditional medications for anxiety so I can sleep at night and be able to function during the day. And the truth is I hate doing it because I know those are drugs that can be abused. I've never had any issues with that before but because of everything that is going on, I'm worried I will grow dependent on them. The last thing I want, because of my sons ongoing drug problems.
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Old 02-16-2015, 11:14 AM
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Quetz............ hi I am d'gal.(short for dutchgirl). I have been walking this road for a bit over 10 years now. like the others have said, no it is not nor will it ever be easy, but it does get easier. do-able.
we need to find that balance of keeping our child close as far as in touch - mail, phone calls, visits, etc. yet remembering ourselves. take care of ourselves. for us, for our child in prison, for younger children, our families. it is a growing process.
hang in there. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 02-18-2015, 12:21 AM
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its been 8 days since i last spoke with my son. this is the longest ever that we have not spoken, it feels like an eternity. He is in reception and I expected the difficulty in communication... i guess i expected at least 1 letter or 1 phone by now.... now the worst is going through my mind.
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Old 02-18-2015, 10:16 PM
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Default more than 10 years for me, too

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Quetz............ hi I am d'gal.(short for dutchgirl). I have been walking this road for a bit over 10 years now. like the others have said, no it is not nor will it ever be easy, but it does get easier. do-able.
we need to find that balance of keeping our child close as far as in touch - mail, phone calls, visits, etc. yet remembering ourselves. take care of ourselves. for us, for our child in prison, for younger children, our families. it is a growing process.
hang in there. there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am going on 12 years now, not including the 2 times he got out for several months. I has been a long road, at times I didnt think I could make it, but here I am, standing tall. He gets out in May, this time with no probation, so hopefully better odds. I was in a good place , but find myself getting very anxious about his upcoming release. I cant wait to hug him for more than 10 seconds, and to feed him some homecooked meals....
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Old 02-18-2015, 11:00 PM
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This site and members have been a big part of my lifeline. Initially I was frantically searching for answers. As a mother of incarcerated son, I'm serving a sentance ( just not behind bars) We can't change the past. We can't change the choices they made. We had no voice in their decisions.
As I told my son, every action has a consequence. I pray he has the wisdom to turn his life around. So far he is remorseful and making plans for new start. That gives me hope
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Old 02-19-2015, 12:07 AM
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This site and members have been a big part of my lifeline. Initially I was frantically searching for answers. As a mother of incarcerated son, I'm serving a sentance ( just not behind bars) We can't change the past. We can't change the choices they made. We had no voice in their decisions.
As I told my son, every action has a consequence. I pray he has the wisdom to turn his life around. So far he is remorseful and making plans for new start. That gives me hope

I am in my own prison/hell during his sentance. You are correct, we can't change the past and we have no voice in their decision. I just wish he was mature enough to make the decisions the judicial system thinks he should be making. Just because society put an arbitrary age of 18 to consider them adults, it doesn't change the fact that their brains dont reach adulthood until 25.
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Old 02-19-2015, 01:10 AM
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Quetz,
Physiologically the brain matures at 25, however some require much more time to mature.
My son certainly falls in this catagory. I posed this question to my dearest friend I have known since Junior high. We both agreed at 24-25 we were responsible young adults. The knowledge we had at 25 pales in comparison to the life experiences and wisdom we now have. I am praying my son and many others can make more informed decisions and choices.
My son was always big on saying "it was his life'. I told him if his choice only affected him...that would be different. The truth is his choices has hurt our family, disrupted holidays and forced all of us to deal with his incarceration. The journey our family never wanted to take, an adult child incarcerated. Not our choice.
I am finally seeing thoughtful consideration from him. That certainly gives me hope.
It is a step in the right direction.
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Old 02-25-2015, 10:25 AM
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Many of you had stated that "it is not easy, but it gets easier" I know understand (to some point). I realize I am going through the "grieving process" and I believe I am on step 3 transitioning to step 4.

I finally received a call from my son on Palm Sunday . I recognized the number was from TX (as someone here told me to expect a number from TX). I got the infamous message "you have a call from (then I heard his voice -Matthew-) if you feel you are being harassed then....... click CALL ENDED - ^%$$%*U&^*^&%$^%#^%*&&*(. He attempted to call 5 times :..( and the same thing kept happening. I feel solace in hearing his voice and he sounded good. He has not called since. I was so irate words couldn't begin to describe. I had to replace my iphone the next day; needless to say it hit a few walls. I could not understand what happened. We have vonage with a virtual number (like Google Voice VOIP). The virtual number is forwarded to my cell phone. I thought it could be a problem with vonage, forwarding, or sprint. After calling everyone I can think of, it was an issue with GTL *&*^%^&%$&&*^*^ ..... I can honestly say that it would have been one of the most important calls I was waiting for.. Now I don't know when I will hear from him again and I have not received any mail from him. I am beyond frustration.
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Old 02-25-2015, 03:49 PM
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Default The Moment Finally came

My son called me today

It's, beyond what words can express. I am so elated.

He is doing good. I have been writing him every day; apparently he received 2 weeks of accumulated letters today.

He is in a double bunk; in quarantined for 22.5 hour of the day. He was approved for boot camp (first hurdle) now the Judge needs to approve (second hurdle) (fingers crossed). Today is a good day
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Old 02-26-2015, 06:19 AM
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Wow that is good news, now you can breathe, and keep writing letters, they never get enough mail.
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Old 02-26-2015, 07:35 AM
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Quetz, Was so happy to see that you got that call from your son, I know how much it can relieve you just to hear their voice. It was over two months before I got my first call and not till they moved him to his home prison so I'm glad where your son is at they allow calls in reception. . Here's hoping he gets camp!! Hang in there
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Old 03-04-2015, 09:05 PM
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My son is the last person on my mind when I fall asleep at night, if you want to call it sleep... more of a semi unconscious state because during this time the "what if" begin, the nightmares continue, the picturing of every bad scenario that can happen to my son locked up in prison begin to go through my mind. Then when I wake up or rather get out of bed, my son and his wellbeing are the only thing on my mind. He is on my mind every waking second of my zombie conscious state. It took every but of energy (and believe me not much left) to get out of bed. I can't imagine that this gets better with time.... I feel so helpless, I feel like I've let him down and I can't help or protect him. I need him as much as he needs me.

thank you for listening to my venting..........
You're not venting you're just wearing your emotions on your sleeve and thats fine. You didn't say what level he is locked up; min., low., medium. Also not sure if he is a Fed prison or State prison. Fed is better than State. My son (non violent drug offender) was sent to a Fed minimum camp in WV. We live in NC. The one thing I'll say and I hope it brings you some comfort is that your son will get into a groove wherever he's at. He will find some friends who are like him personality wise and will be fine. I can only speak for minimum and low, where my son has been. Sexual assault at these level of prisons is non-existent if thats got you worried. As far as violence/fighting that only seems to happen when someone really screws up and/or takes advantage of someone or steals from them. If your son is in a minimum camp nobody wants to fight there because they'll get bumped up to the next level which is Low where they're behind the wire. Low is not so bad either. Not roses mind you but again if your son keeps a low profile no worries he'll be fine. 90% of the population aren't looking for trouble and any that are you just know to steer clear from. Minimum is all about just doing your time and moving on. Same as Low. If he is a State prison he needs to be a little more aware of his P's&Q's but again he will find a few friends to hang out with who like your son are not bad people, just caught up in a bad circumstance. The problem with State prison is its a wider group of inmates from nasty to relaxed. Your son will be smart enough to avoid the jerks.

The last thing I would say is you are doing your son no favors if you aren't looking after yourself. Beyond sending him some $$ each month and mail realize there is not much more you can do. If he would prefer you don't visit him just respect his wishes. He probably doesn't want you to be depressed driving home. Like they say, it is what it is. Take care of what you can control and thats your own attitude, mental toughness and personal well being.

Stay on this forum as its a good strength builder. Lots of good folk here who like you and me never thought we'd be here but are. Life goes on, your son will be fine but you need to be too. For him. Hang in there.

Look for post from 'Sticky' he's a real good guy and has a lot of knowledge. Good luck toots.
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Old 03-24-2015, 10:20 AM
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I wanted to answer you though I don't have any answers because I'm right in the same place as you are. Your words are exactly how I feel too. It's all I think about anymore.
Just reaching out to let you know that you're not alone. My son went in on 2/23/15 and I am still in zombie state. Part of me fears the thought of "it gets better" because I feel guilty. So many on here have given such heartfelt and sage advice of "you must remember to take care of yourself and the rest of your family" and while I understand and even agree, it feels wrong. As mothers we want to protect our children (even when they're technically adults). When that is taken away from us, we are lost.

I don't have any advice but I empathize completely. You and all the amazing people on this site, are in my prayers.

Ps - one thought gets me through even though it might be unrealistic. I look at all of the amazing support and compassion that is shared on this site. And then I think to myself, "these amazing people that are suffering as I am have raised some of the people that my son is incarcerated with. If we all found each other, perhaps our children can find each other inside and support each other the same way that we do." If I am 100% honest, before my son went to prison, I didn't think about prison much. When I did, I assumed that the people 'inside' were horrible, heartless criminals. I certainly never thought of them as someone's son. But through this nightmare my eyes have been opened. I am thankful for that.
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Old 03-24-2015, 11:31 AM
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Just reaching out to let you know that you're not alone. My son went in on 2/23/15 and I am still in zombie state. Part of me fears the thought of "it gets better" because I feel guilty. So many on here have given such heartfelt and sage advice of "you must remember to take care of yourself and the rest of your family" and while I understand and even agree, it feels wrong. As mothers we want to protect our children (even when they're technically adults). When that is taken away from us, we are lost.

I don't have any advice but I empathize completely. You and all the amazing people on this site, are in my prayers.

Ps - one thought gets me through even though it might be unrealistic. I look at all of the amazing support and compassion that is shared on this site. And then I think to myself, "these amazing people that are suffering as I am have raised some of the people that my son is incarcerated with. If we all found each other, perhaps our children can find each other inside and support each other the same way that we do." If I am 100% honest, before my son went to prison, I didn't think about prison much. When I did, I assumed that the people 'inside' were horrible, heartless criminals. I certainly never thought of them as someone's son. But through this nightmare my eyes have been opened. I am thankful for that.
Thank you Ceelee28; It seems like an eternity has gone by when I read what I posted, when it's only been about 1 month. I've gone through a lot of emotion; one thing that surprised me was that I realized I was grieving for my son. I've learned a lot through PTO and have actually been humbled by PTO . One thing I learned, is that it will never get easy; can't even say that it will get "easier" I am just starting to adapt to my "new normal" It seems to be impacting me more than it is my 18 year son. He seems to adapt to change much better than I. I still struggle daily with the past months events as I am new to incarceration. I joined PTO Card Volunteer group and it has tremendously helped me a lot. It's been therapeutic for me. I see how the inmates enjoy a bit of cheer, a light in their day, a smile on their face and I think of my son enjoying the same. If a card I send out can have this effect on someone, well then it was worth my time and effort. It makes me happy to do this for someone else. My son has been transferred to his "home" prison where he's been calling me 5-7 x's a day . We are emailing each other daily. I am OK as long and I know he is OK. We're going to get through this and make it out on top
lol, I can't say that I have learned "to take of myself" I've lost a lot of weight since this nightmare started. My husband and my daughter are my "watchers" and insure (remind me) that I eat, sleep, rest and (lol go to work). I'm sure that eventually I'll learn how to "take care" of myself.. but for now - one step at a time - as my son would say - 1 day at a time - . He has shown me he is much stronger than I am, I am sincerely proud of him and of the young man he is becoming.

lol thank you for listening to my rant.
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"Dios sabe porque hace las cosas"

Last edited by Quetz; 03-24-2015 at 11:40 AM..
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Old 03-29-2015, 11:42 PM
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bumblebee37 bumblebee37 is offline
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It never got easier for me but what was real scary was when I became use to it.
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Old 04-21-2015, 01:39 PM
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Greetings to you. This is my first day on the forum so forgive me if I make some mistake. I feel guilty too sometimes. Especially since the day he committed the crime, he called me and asked me for money. But he was in his late twenties at the time, and he has asked me for money (for crap) for years. So I picked THAT day to say no. Oh yay. But I know even if I had given him the money, he would have called again that same week, and asked for more money...I would have had to say no eventually (we have 7 other kids and work very hard for our money). He needed to pull it together, it is my responsibility as his mom to help him pull it together not to continually pour things into him that he only took advantage of and used for his destruction. So...I know there are dangers in prison too. But they were worse on the street, for my son anyway, speaking only for my son. I was expecting the he is dead or he is in jail call. I much prefer jail to the alternative he was offering himself. My heart feels like it is locked up in there with him. Right now he is in a little 8x10 cell with a camera watching him 27/7. It is killing me, but I am writing him a lot. We have become very close and he is making better choices, going through programs, going through school. I doubt I comforted you. But I am happy you shared, because I have felt SO alone for these past six years, and there are more years to come. Thank you, I am grateful.
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