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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

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  #1  
Old 07-01-2011, 08:11 AM
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Default Living life while you wait

HELLO LADIES !

So im on year 2 of his 14 year sentence and so far i have to say that its been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Dealing with trial, sentencing, the mourning of our lost life and new situation, family drama, transfers another case another trial and sentencing and him being so far from me. I have to say that time is flying so far and that now that the dust has settled and were in this cool routine of our relationship, im very much still in love and cannot wait for him to come home already The thing is i want to use this time to get to focus on me and i have been keeping busy with projects. But i also want to start traveling and although i am going to have to travel to go see him i want to travel to different places too.. one one side i feel bad bc i think its selfish that im using money that i could be saving for us or to see him and the other side im thinking that i deserve a chance to see the world that he isnt seeing and i am saving an also traveling to see him. But I will be waiting a long time and I want to be able to be productive and do as much as I can while hes there, i dont want to be at home depressed and wasting away, and i dont have any desire to go to school and i dont have kids and cant due to him being in jail (no congugals). I havent told him how i feel bc the two trips i have taken out of town he has let me go but then i notice a touch of sadness when i talk about it and i start to feel bad. Have any of you ladies experienced this before?? if so how did you approach the situation???
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Old 07-02-2011, 12:19 PM
Tina Tina is offline
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I have. I just came to him and told him what I noticed and asked him what he thought about it all. He said it was difficult but at the same time he wanted me to go out and do things. He also wants me to share my experiences with him even though it can be difficult.
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Old 07-02-2011, 05:29 PM
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I talk about this same thing with my hubby and the thing that he always says to me is that he never wants me to put my life on hold in all areas for him. I think it is so important to live our lives so that we don't look back and wish we had lived a little more and done more with our lives. If he truly loves you he will be supportive of your life dreams and although there will be times he will be sad that he can't be there with you... he can visit the world through you and you can provide him with those experiences. Through post cards and pictures.
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Old 07-02-2011, 05:59 PM
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Thank u ladies .. I'm actually going to go see him next week and I'm gonna talk to him about it. You are both right, and I know that he will be supportive. :-)
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Old 07-03-2011, 12:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Val912 View Post
I havent told him how i feel bc the two trips i have taken out of town he has let me go but then i notice a touch of sadness when i talk about it and i start to feel bad.
He LET you go? No honey, your decision not his. He can do nothing about it except make you feel bad if you let him.

Of course he is going to feel sad about it, because he can't go with you. That's normal. I travel all over the place and Hubby gets a photo journal every time I do. It's as close as he can be to it right now and he accepts that - because he put himself in prison, not me. If you have the chance to travel, take it. You're a big girl and I'm sure you can look after yourself, making sure you dont put yourself into dangerous situations like going to a stanger's hotel room or getting blind drunk in a strange bar.

He will worry, regardless.
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Old 07-05-2011, 10:01 AM
MarcieJasper MarcieJasper is offline
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Well I'm just starting this journey. I have no idea what to expect. It's been hard so far and he's only been in county since Feb. He was sentenced end of May. His orders are in and he's awaiting transport to El Dorado now. I've already had significant events happen while he's been gone. My son got married. My daughter is having a little girl. Those are a couple good ones. My dad had bypass surgery and it isn't working. I had a dear friend pass. Another friend is battling a mass in her brain. Those are sine of the bad. His family mostly his mom blame me for where he is. They have taken the car, phone, house and satellite. It's a blessing I'm moving though. No one threatening to take those things away now. But I have to start over again at 42. I have to move back into my fathers. Ugh. I know I'm not to blame for what happened. He hurt me. And any blame or being mad or forgiveness are between him and I. It's OUR relationship. I was never mad at him and have always understood why. But now he has to take consequences for his actions. His proofs got him so long and the fact I had to get staples in my head. I pray he'll see drinking is his biggest downfall but he has to deal with the reasons he drowns his feelings out with alcohol. I feel guilty sometimes that I still get to go places and do things. But I can't curl up and wait. I have to live. We have to figure out how to have a relationship while he's in. Guess it could be a good thing. We can become friends. I just don't exactly know how to live as a couple apart. Does that make sense?
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Old 07-29-2011, 05:45 PM
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It mskes a lot of sense and I'm so sorry fir all you've gone thru. You sound very strong in spite of it all. I am 47 and my husbands been in four years already and it's strange to be in this situation at this phase of life. While he's been in my oldest son and his wife had a baby girl and my youngest joined the marines and it's the first time I'm actually living on my own. I never knew who my husband really was because we always dealt with the addiction but now I feel I really know who he is cuz our communication over the past four years has been the best it's ever been and honestly I've fallen in love with him all over again. The grandbaby has become the joy of my days and I stay busy with work. When he was in county everything was very hard, but we have to adjust and accommodate and move on from there. Once he got to where he's at it was so much easier because we get contact visits, almost 18-24 hours of pure conversation, laughter, loving visits we've ever had in our relationship. People often ask me what we talk about for that much time cuz they can't imagine talking to their spouses for even a few hours! To top it off we never run out of things to say and it's never enough time! This coukd be a new phase of your life in many aspects. Support is great support on this sight is invaluable! Good luck to you I hope all goes well.
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Old 07-29-2011, 06:05 PM
hartbehindbars hartbehindbars is offline
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Hi Val. I'm in a similar situation as you are, on nearly year three of what could be a lot more than fourteen years. In one of the first letters I received from him when he was locked up in October 2008 he told me that our life was now mine to live, that he wanted me to do everything that I could even if that meant he was left behind. My decision on whether or not to go to college in or out of state was one of the first decisions I had to make, I could go away and find happiness or stay and be held back by all that had happened. He encouraged me to go to the school I thought I'd be happiest at and while it was hard and I only go to school an hour away from home...it was something that had to be done. I went out of country for a week in March with my school on a study abroad preview program and will be going away for 3 weeks this coming semester (while also being 4+ hours from home, studying at another university). I'm nervous, but he isn't. As someone above me said, we talk more often, I feel we're closer than ever and while our relationship isn't normal for an engagement we've suffered more hits than I can count...one BIG one is that I was assaulted in my dorm room at school and he blames himself for being locked up and not able to protect me. Our relationship has had to change, but I love him and he loves me so we both know it'll be okay.

I don't know if this helped, but I hope it has.
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