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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 11-19-2006, 09:41 PM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Hello everyone.

I have a long history on this web site, as well as one husband who was incarcerated who I am now divorcing, because he was a violent abuser of me.
Anyway, I starting writing to a friend of his, who I met when visiting my husband on several occasions. After everything came down with my husband, and he went back to prison for violations of a protective order, I wrote to this guy, looking for answers about my husband.

We continued to write for the last two years. We fell in love with each other, but we were friends first. It is a "mature" type of love, not hot and heavy, but we can talk very deeply about things.

He was suppose to get out last August of 2006. Well, it was into the hands of a federal marshall, on a federal detainer he thought was concurrent with his state time.

I had a lot of uncertainties and fears surrounding getting involved with him on a deeper level, especially after the detainer and uncertainty of what is going to happen. He felt that he was going to be out in a year or so, when it was all straightened out, and in fact, his lawyer thinks so too. But I was in a dilemma, because of fear and the remaining trauma from my soon to be ex husband. This man wanted to marry me. But for a while, I was hesitant. Finally, last night, I told him that "yes, I do want to marry you." He was so happy and relieved. He's spent a lot of time trying to convince me of his sincerity and that he would always be there for me and treat me well. He really is a lot different in many ways than my husband is. VERY different.

Last night I asked him how I am different from other women he was involved with while incarcerated. He has been in for 16 years. But he ended relationships because he didn't love them (2 other women) and he didn't want to use them. But he said that there were a hundred ways I was different, and he could really talk to me, and I was of a higher intellectual capacity, and I was his soulmate. He wanted me to believe that he loves me so deeply.

Well. Tonight we talked on the phone, and he said he'd been thinking. Finally it all came out. He said that he was worried that when we finally do visit for the first time (just us together, even though I've met him in the past in the visiting room on more than one occasion) he was afraid that we "wouldn't connect," and that he didn't want to hurt me after all I've been through, and that I was going to drive for 500 miles to visit on a weekend, (to USP Hazelton from Massachusetts) maybe every month, and what if he "changed up" on me, and all these things... I've asked him these questions before...what if he really didn't like me in person...what if he found someone else...what if he couldn't be faithful on the outside...things can be different, and he would ALWAYS talk to me about those things, and why they were not things to worrry about because he said it would be "impossible" for those things to happen..after all, he was already attracted to me when he saw me the times that he did.

All of sudden he says these things. The day after I finally told him that "yes, I will marry you!" It just doesn't make sense. And it is so painful. Finally, after months, I make the decision that I love him too much to not make this commitment, and no sooner do I make the commitment that he's wanted for so long, he says that he's worried about all these things that I used to be worried about! I am so confused and just can NOT understand. I am so hurt and sad, and it is almost like it was someone else on the phone tonight. If it wasn't his voice I would be thinking it was someone else! Almost like some evil presence got into him! I just don't understand. I know that I love him so much, and I know he loves me. I couldn't even talk to him anymore after he said what he said to me, and told him I would have to hang up the phone because I was in too much shock. After that I wrote to him a short letter telling him that if it would make him happier to be without me, then so be it. I love him enough to let him go, if that is what he really wants. I feel that this is true love.

I was hoping some of you may give me some advice and feedback. I would appreciate it. God Bless you all.

Marsha
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  #2  
Old 11-19-2006, 10:23 PM
haswtch haswtch is offline
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HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! give it a little time here, is my thought. he is scared to hurt you which is a sign of true love, dows that make any sense? and probably scared of fetting hurt too- what if you guys meet and YOU don't like HIM? You may feel this impossible, he might not
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:56 PM
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Marsha,
dont panic just yet... I was in a relationship with my man for 10 years before we ever met... he went through the same feelings.. what if we dont connect was a big issue for him, After writing to this man for almost 10 years, i felt there was nothing we couldnt connect on at any level... but he was really worried about it. Finally after 6 months of working on my trip from mississippi to cali, i saw him for the first time... EVER and it was the most wonderful meeting in the world....it was everything i could have imagined it would be....however he was amazed that we could have that much of a connection without ever having met. you have no idea what the other guys have said to him about falling in love with a woman he has not really been with... the guys on the inside tell horror stories and such... they talk... i would say go and meet with him and see what happens....you have already established a great friendship....it sounds to me like he is questionsing himself more than you... if it is love... truly the kind of love you are talking about... dont you think it would be worth it to try and find out...If it were me... i would want to be sure before i just walked away... I just know that much of what he said to you are the same or very similar things that my man was worried about before i got there. What if it was too hard on me to wait... it wasnt easy for anyone... if he told me that once i heard it ten times. We now have the most wonderful and fully committed relationship i have ever been in...You have to do what you believe to be in your best interest.. I just dont want to see you let something go that might be this important. Try and read between the lines and try and talk to him again....Ask him what he is really worried about...and point blank ask him if he has changed his feelings for you?... You deserve to know....so ask the question. If you need to talk... please feel free to pm me... i will be happy to listen....
i hoe your day gets better
my thoughts are with you at this time of trouble for you
take care
msmomto4
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Old 11-19-2006, 11:29 PM
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Bless your bruised little heart! This has to feel so bizarre. But I agree that you might have scared him into realistic thinking; in effect you kicked the pillars out from under his dream castle. And this guy doesn't know this reality game very well - he's out of practice.
Take a deep breath. Don't run away, don't run closer. Just give yourself, and him, time to handle this new stuff that's coming up.
Hugs!!
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Old 11-20-2006, 05:28 AM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Thank you so much, all of you. I was feeling so sad and shocked last night. Didn't sleep very well.
You are all right, about giving it time, I do believe that.
The thing that is a little different about this is that we HAVE met in person already, on more than one occasion. So he knows what I look like and how he feels about me physically anyway. And he seems to have known what he feels about me in his heart too. I think he's scared, I really do. It's so strange...finally, I give him what he has wanted all this time, a woman who will marry him, and when I finally give him what he wants, HE changes! That's why I think he's just plain scared. I probably scare the hell out of him. You see, I am very real and up front, and we get into very deep conversations. But as the old expression goes..."If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they are yours, if they do not, they were never yours to begin with."
I really think that is true.
I am a strong person, and I will never hate him. I do want to remain his friend if he really wants to sever our relationship. I left it up to him in my letter. I told him that if it makes him happier to be without me, then my love for him wants only what he wants for himself. And that, in the end, is what I want the most. His happiness and well being.
Love to all of you, many blessings,
Marsha
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Old 11-26-2006, 08:38 PM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Well Hello all! I hope that someone will respond to this. I just received a call from him after 1 week of no calls, no letters. And now he comes up with this: that he had a dream that when he gets out, I try to poison him, then I have him arrested. Can you believe that? I told him that during the past week I have thought about things and already thought that he is emotionally unstable in some ways. Well, now I really think so. He says he takes his dreams as a sign! My God, I am not the one sitting in prison, he is! I would NEVER think about doing that type of thing...I had my soon-to-be-ex husband arrested becasue he was trying to kill me and violated the Order of Protection! That's it with him! I told him I want to move on, and that is that! It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard...my God...I don't understand what happened to him.
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Old 11-26-2006, 09:12 PM
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i had my ex telling me when we were still together that he had dreams of me begging for forgiveness because i had cheated on him in his dreams....at the time he was having flings and 1 night stands with women met on aol chatrooms..... ok, he compared you to lucrese borgia, to my opinion(it worth what it worth) it sounds that since you two had some serious talk about a after prison,that you was a week with no calls,it sounds like he gave you one of the most pittyful(is the word cowardly ok?) excuse someone can give to another. you are moving on? i don't blame you! i would not trust such loaf of c...p
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Old 11-26-2006, 09:13 PM
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Oh I am so sorry to hear this. Not to be insensitive to your already hurt feelings, but that does sound crazy. Better you found this out now than later. i hope you can start focussing more on yourself and make you happy. you are a very smart woman to walk away now. If he has these types of fears, somethingis wrong. I don't think I have ever feared someone out of a dream. It's not normal. Unless your husband fed him a line. Good luck to you and hope you meet the true man of your dreams..no pun intended!!!
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Old 11-26-2006, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mjwyogini
. It is a "mature" type of love, not hot and heavy, but we can talk very deeply about things.
so *maybe* there would be no problems in continuing this relationship without all the needs to tie each other up in a marriage you both might not be ready for?

I had a lot of uncertainties and fears surrounding getting involved with him on a deeper level, especially after the detainer and uncertainty of what is going to happen.
This is normal given the circumstances,,too many unknowns
But I was in a dilemma, because of fear and the remaining trauma from my soon to be ex husband.
This needs to be worked out professionally before committing to anyone,,,This might be a contributing factor to a lot of things and this new man might have a 6th sense about it too
This man wanted to marry me. But for a while, I was hesitant. Finally, last night, I told him that "yes,
But he said that there were a hundred ways I was different, and he could really talk to me, and I was of a higher intellectual capacity, and I was his soulmate. He wanted me to believe that he loves me so deeply.
Is this the reason why he might have wanted to propose?? But you can let him know you can be convinced without tying the knot, right?


he was afraid that we "wouldn't connect," and that he didn't want to hurt me after all I've been through, , and what if he "changed up" on me, and all these things... I've asked him these questions before...what if he really didn't like me in person...what if he found someone else...what if he couldn't be faithful on the outside...things can be different, and he would ALWAYS talk to me about those things, and why they were not things to worrry about because he said it would be "impossible" for those things to happen..after all, he was already attracted to me when he saw me the times that he did.
These are all valid concerns,,and he may be getting cold feet thinking its about trying to prove his love and asking for your hand is the only thing he can do right now?
All of sudden he says these things. The day after I finally told him that "yes, I will marry you!" It just doesn't make sense. And it is so painful. Finally, after months, I make the decision that I love him too much to not make this commitment, and no sooner do I make the commitment that he's wanted for so long, he says that he's worried about all these things that I used to be worried about!
Becasue maybe he madde the move more for you,,and now heis thinking about Him,,ie Him not being good enuff for you tho wanting to please you?
I am so confused and just can NOT understand. I am so hurt and sad, and it is almost like it was someone else on the phone tonight. If it wasn't his voice I would be thinking it was someone else! Almost like some evil presence got into him!
what was evil? His tone,,or him backing out?
I just don't understand. I know that I love him so much, and I know he loves me. I couldn't even talk to him anymore after he said what he said to me, and told him I would have to hang up the phone because I was in too much shock. After that I wrote to him a short letter telling him that if it would make him happier to be without me, then so be it. I love him enough to let him go, if that is what he really wants. I feel that this is true love.
If you feel its true love then him backing out *should not* devastate you,,you already stated you have baggage you need to work on,,work on it,,Let him know that,,drop the marriage issue and move forward for a minute until you meet with a counselor and work out your past,,When that time is done then revisit the love and marriage thing,,There is no rush!!!

I was hoping some of you may give me some advice and feedback. I would appreciate it. God Bless you all.

Marsha
Marsha,,,get You together first,,dont put too much pressure on this new relationship...I think He did it trying to prove his love but really was not ready,,I guess he thought the begging would go on a lot longer. dont dump him,,just let the marriage thing cool for a minute,,revisit it later.
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Old 11-26-2006, 09:21 PM
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To be honest, it almost sounds like hes so paranoid about dissapointing you that he is creating things to make himself even more paranoid. I know that once he realizes what was wrong with him that he is going to regret it, see they don't seem to realize they are hurting you with talk like that then if they would of just ended it. I really don't understand either.I wish you luck my dear. You sound as if you have a stable head on your shoulders and you will do just fine.
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Old 11-26-2006, 11:51 PM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Thank you, thank you roch, tkeefover, wobabi, and summerstorm. I appreciate it so much. It helps for having ears to listen and feedback. It makes me feel that there's people out there who understand and care enough to answer.
God Bless you all...
Marsha
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Old 12-08-2006, 09:12 AM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Well, there's an update to this whole situation. I received a letter from him yesterday, that really made me laugh. You see, I had written a scathing letter to him after he didn't respond to my nice sweet letter. Especially after his stupid phone call of having the dream that I was going to poison him and have him arrested when he gets out. I also made something up to get his attention, because normally when he gets an angry scathing letter from me (it's happened a couple of times over the course of the 2 years I've known him) he just doesn't write for a while, a couple of weeks or so. This time, he waited longer, so I figured that since I wasn't getting any answer, I'd lie and say I met someone interesting out here who I may get involved with. And BINGO!! He writes back a very angry nasty letter, ONLY focusing on this guy I was suppose to have met! It was such a nasty and angry letter I had to laugh in some places. I told him I had gone to have coffee with this guy and he says "This shit ain't just started between you and "Mr. Maxwell" and it wasn't just about coffee and the movies. So you been playing me the whole time, huh?" :-) I HAD to laugh....after all the shit he said to me, and all the "promises" he made, and all the crap he said to me...in this letter he tried to turn it all around only based on this little lie I told him JUST to get a reaction. Man, he is so predictable. I shot him back a letter telling him that made it all up, and why was he just focusing on that issue when he pretty much wanted to go to "friendship status? " I'm telling you, I can NOT figure this guy out. The letter was SO angry and sarcastic I really started laughing. He ends it with "I will respect your right to be with whoever you choose to be with. But if you don't write me back telling me that shit is over, don't write me at all. Tear my letters up, burn 'em or whatever. Forget about me and to hell with it" He is really something. Imagine, HE is the one who suddenly wanted to go to "friendship" status and THEN doesn't answer to any of the shit he put to me, but as soon as I mention another man, all of a sudden he wakes up and goes crazy on me!

This post qualifies for wobabi's question as to whether any of us 'create drama." Well, I did, and I confess to it.
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Old 12-08-2006, 10:08 AM
tatersalad tatersalad is offline
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wow
not only qualifys for the drama thread but also for the mwi forum

never can really tell about someone until they show you who they are

When someone shows you who they are ....Believe them !!

I can't say how sorry I am for you to have spent all the time and energy and trust in this POS to have him believe his "dream" and question your faithfullness ????????

be glad he had his awakening..( too bad he didn't dream of getting married to you instead )..(but be glad cuz you did not deserve this and it's only the tip of the iceberg )

move on and be glad
I would not spend one more minute writing or thinking about the idiot

so sad to see the hurt some of these guys cause for no reason to someone who did nothing but care about them

worse part is they don't get it ..they live so secluded that too much of their time is spent thinking of what could be going on out here

then factor in the other guys talking $h!T about what they get away with or feel their women are doing that things just snowball sometimes

what a very good thing to remember is they are only living in a small world where things are mostly mean and hateful
they have to be suspicious of damn near everything and everyone so to adjust to relating to a real person who really does care is often difficult

still can't believe he was all for you until he had you ...
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Old 12-08-2006, 09:01 PM
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Hello mjwyogini,

Ahhh, I don't think it was a good idea to stir the pot with your lie, but what's done is done.

To me, it just sounds like he is scared. A lot of fears about reality have set in after you said "Yes" to marriage. For you to quickly say, "I love him so much that I will let him go if that's what he wants" probably made him more fearful that YOU want to leave the relationship instead of him being reassured by your loving words. It might have sounded like you wanted out very quickly, too.

As far as his dreams, that's just fears, too. Give him some space, give him some time.. be reassuring that you are there for him, too. If you want to save the relationship-- if it is worth saving to you-- then I believe it is possible.

I'm not sure what will happen now considering the circumstances, but I wouldn't give up on the relationship. It sounds like it needs some major healing and the gentle hand of time... but it also sounds like there is still a lot of love there beneath the drama.

~ my best wishes ~
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Old 12-10-2006, 07:56 AM
mjwyogini mjwyogini is offline
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Thanks tater...you make a lot of sense especially about the world these men live in... and Lexmeeki..I appreciate the feedback. You are right, I shouldn't have stirred the pot....but like you say, it's done now. I am going to just let it be for now. I think that's a good idea too. Take care all...Many Blessings
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