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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 04-01-2019, 05:52 PM
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Red face I just joined PTO and it's over...

I just introduced myself a few days ago... But it was coming. He was being distant and no longer emailing everyday. He claimed it was because if lack of money. I only sent him once ($25) and because if whatever fees / fines / court cost he owes, he said "they" took most of it.

He later suggested that I could send money to his cellie and then he could at least get some commissary. I was not comfortable with doing it. He then suggested multiple other ways. Including me printing out "suggestive" pictures of women from Instagram. I did last week and he had nerves to complain today. I haven't heard from him in 4 days. His email was basically barking orders at me and was written like he was talking down to me! I haven't been able to visit him in 2/3 months and now he totally changed on me. He even now claims that even though he was able to trade / sell some if those pics, he won't be able to respond all like that because Trulinks is expensive.

I would have given him the benefit of doubt, but my gut instinct says NO. He could have written a letter. He could have sent word like he always has even though he didn't have money. What's changed? His emails these last few weeks have been like 2 sentences. So, I wrote him. Everything including his feelings and emotions are such a secret. Like damn, you can't answer how are you doing? Are you Ok? This is on top of straight ignoring questions about his only family - his cousin (female) and he doesn't want her in his business so he hasn't told her about me. When I complained about it, it's I'm starting a fake fight. Silent treatment. Now today it was I need to stop trying to rush things and let them play out???

But he loves me. Funny how his actions and words don't seem like love. So, I wrote him back and told him that I'm done. Whatever game he's playing, he's playing it without me. But then I cancelled / deleted Corrlinks. So, I don't veven know if he can get that email. Nevertheless my mind is made up. I'm not going to be someone's option. Now I'm really believing he started kissing me and then said I love you just to try to lay the foundation to start using me. And when he realized that I'm not just going to blindly follow whatever he says he decided to put me on ice. My heart is broken but I'm not going to let this break me. Wishing everyone that still has their MWI Relationship the best. It's Super Hard, but if he / she really loves you - Go Hard. But if they are showing you that they don't care or could careless...Please move on. 8 months in hurts but I rather have realized this now instead of later. Please save your heart the pain.
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  #2  
Old 04-01-2019, 07:41 PM
SBJOHNSON SBJOHNSON is offline
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Originally Posted by BKQueen View Post
I just introduced myself a few days ago... But it was coming. He was being distant and no longer emailing everyday. He claimed it was because if lack of money. I only sent him once ($25) and because if whatever fees / fines / court cost he owes, he said "they" took most of it.

He later suggested that I could send money to his cellie and then he could at least get some commissary. I was not comfortable with doing it. He then suggested multiple other ways. Including me printing out "suggestive" pictures of women from Instagram. I did last week and he had nerves to complain today. I haven't heard from him in 4 days. His email was basically barking orders at me and was written like he was talking down to me! I haven't been able to visit him in 2/3 months and now he totally changed on me. He even now claims that even though he was able to trade / sell some if those pics, he won't be able to respond all like that because Trulinks is expensive.

I would have given him the benefit of doubt, but my gut instinct says NO. He could have written a letter. He could have sent word like he always has even though he didn't have money. What's changed? His emails these last few weeks have been like 2 sentences. So, I wrote him. Everything including his feelings and emotions are such a secret. Like damn, you can't answer how are you doing? Are you Ok? This is on top of straight ignoring questions about his only family - his cousin (female) and he doesn't want her in his business so he hasn't told her about me. When I complained about it, it's I'm starting a fake fight. Silent treatment. Now today it was I need to stop trying to rush things and let them play out???

But he loves me. Funny how his actions and words don't seem like love. So, I wrote him back and told him that I'm done. Whatever game he's playing, he's playing it without me. But then I cancelled / deleted Corrlinks. So, I don't veven know if he can get that email. Nevertheless my mind is made up. I'm not going to be someone's option. Now I'm really believing he started kissing me and then said I love you just to try to lay the foundation to start using me. And when he realized that I'm not just going to blindly follow whatever he says he decided to put me on ice. My heart is broken but I'm not going to let this break me. Wishing everyone that still has their MWI Relationship the best. It's Super Hard, but if he / she really loves you - Go Hard. But if they are showing you that they don't care or could careless...Please move on. 8 months in hurts but I rather have realized this now instead of later. Please save your heart the pain.


Stay strong! You deserve better!...much better!
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Old 04-01-2019, 08:40 PM
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It took a lot of self-love to walk away like that. I'm proud of you for knowing your limit and for making yourself a priority.

Who knows, maybe his reaction will be to humble himself and to appreciate what a good woman can & will / will not do
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Old 04-01-2019, 08:59 PM
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Stay strong! You deserve better!...much better!
Thank you the kind words!
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Old 04-01-2019, 09:02 PM
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So proud of you! You saw the signs and made your exit. I know that's not easy and I know it took guts, but it was right thing to do.
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Old 04-01-2019, 09:04 PM
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It took a lot of self-love to walk away like that. I'm proud of you for knowing your limit and for making yourself a priority.

Who knows, maybe his reaction will be to humble himself and to appreciate what a good woman can & will / will not do
Thank you! It was very hard but I'm proud of myself too. I promised myself a long time ago to never allow myself to be taken for granted like I did in a previous relationship. I'm not sure he will even care tbh. I asked him a few weeks ago do I make him happy. I could already feel the vibe changing. His answer...aloof as usual: He cannot put his answer in an email, as it will take too long to explain. But then he never wrote a letter answering the question either. Pretty much blew it off. So...
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Old 04-01-2019, 09:05 PM
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So proud of you! You saw the signs and made your exit. I know that's not easy and I know it took guts, but it was right thing to do.
Thank you so much! The support here is awesome. I so glad I joined.
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Old 04-01-2019, 09:12 PM
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Bravo
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Old 04-01-2019, 09:48 PM
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Default I get it!

I also made the choice to walk away after a two-year MWI relationship for much the same reason. I believe from the bottom of my heart that if a woman is making the sacrifices to be in a relationship with someone behind the wall, she must know where she stands at all time and she must be treated with great value and respect. My man was very macho and I was his best kept secret. If he can't claim me, he can't have me because I am not going to spend one minute wondering what he is up to. My man was serving LWOP so he should have been very grateful to have love and support since he would NEVER be there to help me out. Instead, I got entitlement and I swear he loved his booty magazines and pics as much as he loved being with me. When you start competing with paper, it's time to walk. I have not regretted my decision because I was loving me. Stay strong!
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  #10  
Old 04-01-2019, 10:23 PM
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I also made the choice to walk away after a two-year MWI relationship for much the same reason. I believe from the bottom of my heart that if a woman is making the sacrifices to be in a relationship with someone behind the wall, she must know where she stands at all time and she must be treated with great value and respect. My man was very macho and I was his best kept secret. If he can't claim me, he can't have me because I am not going to spend one minute wondering what he is up to. My man was serving LWOP so he should have been very grateful to have love and support since he would NEVER be there to help me out. Instead, I got entitlement and I swear he loved his booty magazines and pics as much as he loved being with me. When you start competing with paper, it's time to walk. I have not regretted my decision because I was loving me. Stay strong!
Wow, my dude has been in for 16 years. Thank you for sharing. You post has really given me perspective on their thought process. I'm not exactly sure when he is due to get released (another question he flat out will ignore or be vague). Smh.
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  #11  
Old 04-01-2019, 11:02 PM
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I'm applauding that you are choosing you and knowing your worth. You are absolutely right and so is everyone else in support of you. You are showing yourself the true love. This life is too hard on us out here supporting our loved ones for them to take that for granted. He showed who he is, and you believed him. Good for you. Stay strong!
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Old 04-01-2019, 11:54 PM
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Wow, I am seriously in awe of your strength! Seriously you should be so proud of yourself for knowing your worth and wanting better for yourself. That man doesn’t deserve you and you deserve so much more and so much better! Hang in there, it’ll get harder before it gets better but I have faith you’ll make it!
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Old 04-02-2019, 03:03 AM
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Default I just joined PTO and it's over...

Well done for for looking after yourself in a way many women never do. Look at it like this you have created a space for the right person to come along. You deserve every happiness.
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Old 04-02-2019, 04:01 AM
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You are awesome! I'm so proud of you for not letting yourself be played. You deserve better than this man!
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Old 04-02-2019, 11:03 AM
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Adding my YEEHAW to this choir; you did the right thing (and you as well RaeLR) - proud of you strong women
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Old 04-02-2019, 01:15 PM
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Way to go girl! Good for you!
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Old 04-02-2019, 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted by BKQueen View Post
I just introduced myself a few days ago... But it was coming. He was being distant and no longer emailing everyday. He claimed it was because if lack of money. I only sent him once ($25) and because if whatever fees / fines / court cost he owes, he said "they" took most of it.

He later suggested that I could send money to his cellie and then he could at least get some commissary. I was not comfortable with doing it. He then suggested multiple other ways. Including me printing out "suggestive" pictures of women from Instagram. I did last week and he had nerves to complain today. I haven't heard from him in 4 days. His email was basically barking orders at me and was written like he was talking down to me! I haven't been able to visit him in 2/3 months and now he totally changed on me. He even now claims that even though he was able to trade / sell some if those pics, he won't be able to respond all like that because Trulinks is expensive.

I would have given him the benefit of doubt, but my gut instinct says NO. He could have written a letter. He could have sent word like he always has even though he didn't have money. What's changed? His emails these last few weeks have been like 2 sentences. So, I wrote him. Everything including his feelings and emotions are such a secret. Like damn, you can't answer how are you doing? Are you Ok? This is on top of straight ignoring questions about his only family - his cousin (female) and he doesn't want her in his business so he hasn't told her about me. When I complained about it, it's I'm starting a fake fight. Silent treatment. Now today it was I need to stop trying to rush things and let them play out???

But he loves me. Funny how his actions and words don't seem like love. So, I wrote him back and told him that I'm done. Whatever game he's playing, he's playing it without me. But then I cancelled / deleted Corrlinks. So, I don't veven know if he can get that email. Nevertheless my mind is made up. I'm not going to be someone's option. Now I'm really believing he started kissing me and then said I love you just to try to lay the foundation to start using me. And when he realized that I'm not just going to blindly follow whatever he says he decided to put me on ice. My heart is broken but I'm not going to let this break me. Wishing everyone that still has their MWI Relationship the best. It's Super Hard, but if he / she really loves you - Go Hard. But if they are showing you that they don't care or could careless...Please move on. 8 months in hurts but I rather have realized this now instead of later. Please save your heart the pain.
You did the right thing and I'm glad you was able to see the signs and the waving red flags right away! It's best to catch it early than to catch it much later down the line. Your heart is more important and you should never allow your heart to be took for granted. So, you did the right thing and got yourself out of a situation that could of done more hurt to you.
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Old 04-02-2019, 06:25 PM
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The need for more money.....commissary....girlie pictures....whining....bitching. You know what thats all about? ACCEPTANCE. All those above mentioned items he longs for...they are pacifiers that won't pacify. He's going thru that struggle that Johnny Cash sang about in "The Beast In Me". And I know because I've been there. You did the right thing. He has to man up and accept it. And until then.......THE BEAST IN ME IS CAGED BY FRAIL AND FRAGILE BARS. RESTLESS BY DAY AND AT NIGHT RANTS AND RAGES AT THE STARS. GOD HELP THE BEAST IN ME
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Old 04-02-2019, 06:40 PM
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The need for more money.....commissary....girlie pictures....whining....bitching. You know what thats all about? ACCEPTANCE. All those above mentioned items he longs for...they are pacifiers that won't pacify. He's going thru that struggle that Johnny Cash sang about in "The Beast In Me". And I know because I've been there. You did the right thing. He has to man up and accept it. And until then.......THE BEAST IN ME IS CAGED BY FRAIL AND FRAGILE BARS. RESTLESS BY DAY AND AT NIGHT RANTS AND RAGES AT THE STARS. GOD HELP THE BEAST IN ME
Thank you Firebrand. Today just sucks. I had to explain it to the kids. And my kids aren't little. They are both young adults but I swear that made it worse. I haven't dated after their dad and I broke up over a decade ago. I decided because he was abusive, that I would never put them that situation again. I focused on them and their well being. Being the best mom I could be. They were really open to this dude based off he was making me happy. They were both supportive of me going to visit him and him being in our lives. Now I feel both hurt and anger. It's like instead of being focused on his new family and obtaining freedom he rather stay in prison and be the man on the cellblock. I don't get it.
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Old 04-02-2019, 06:48 PM
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I believe just like outside there are degrees of intimacy that people can handle. If a man objectifies women he stays at a superficial level and the relationship is about sex and his comfort. When he is addicted to sexy pics of other women then you are just one of the harem. The one who moans and adds to his desire. If that is how the man thinks, you are only an option. It's like they hug you but are looking over your shoulder to see who might be coming next. Completely unacceptable. These men will play you for money and care very little about what you need or want. They haven't dealt with their shit, the behavior and thought patterns that got them there. Real men are humble and have done the work to figure out where they went wrong and where they need to go. They will not take true love for granted, nor will they put you in a position where you have to wonder if you are an option or a backup plan. I told my ex I was God's gift to him and he was too jaded to realize it, so I was out because I was a fully formed human being and not a toy. We who love them are wonderfully giving human beings, we should be a treasure to them. Love can be unconditional but behavior should never be. I walked away loving him and wishing him well -- but not with me. I deserve more.
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Old 04-06-2019, 07:06 PM
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I'm glad you have left this unhealthy and fruitless relationship and are no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally abused by this man. Sending strength and kind thoughts your way
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Old 04-06-2019, 08:04 PM
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I'm glad you have left this unhealthy and fruitless relationship and are no longer allowing yourself to be emotionally abused by this man. Sending strength and kind thoughts your way
Hi PinkMarshmallow,
Do you really think it was unhealthy and fruitless? I'm honestly asking. I was going back through some of the screenshots of his Corrlinks emails today. My mind is still having a hard time believing that someone could say I love everyday, ask about "his" kids and how I was feeling and be faking it??? I've been a mess mentally and emotionally over this... Part of me knew it was coming and I had been praying and asking for a sign. The other part of me wants him to wake up and realize what he had and show some Damn real emotions. I know prison isn't an environment where it's safe to be open. I totally get that but it's the I love you part that truly has me stuck. I would have been cool just being his friend.
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Old 04-07-2019, 02:46 AM
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Hi PinkMarshmallow,
Do you really think it was unhealthy and fruitless? I'm honestly asking. I was going back through some of the screenshots of his Corrlinks emails today. My mind is still having a hard time believing that someone could say I love everyday, ask about "his" kids and how I was feeling and be faking it??? I've been a mess mentally and emotionally over this... Part of me knew it was coming and I had been praying and asking for a sign. The other part of me wants him to wake up and realize what he had and show some Damn real emotions. I know prison isn't an environment where it's safe to be open. I totally get that but it's the I love you part that truly has me stuck. I would have been cool just being his friend.
Sorry you're struggling with this Unfortunately saying I love you -or, saying whatever else, for that matter- doesn't mean anything unless the person's actions match those words...and even then, there are people in this world who are saying and doing things just to get something out of you, who are not sincere - wiith inmates who want something out of you it isn't always money; it could be emotional support, just having someone be there for them, to make them feel they are part of a family or something...or, it could be that it starts with no money and then develops to that point where they do start asking for money...or different favours.

I think that we, as women, often fall into that trap thinking we can somehow wake them up and make them realise what they have done or what they are missing; the fact is though that most of these people are not even capable of seeing that, it's who they are...You will be much better off and helping yourself heal better just walking away and not looking back. He clearly doesn't deserve your friendship or loyalty. An old cliché, I know, but....time will heal and you will be free of your pain sooner than you think. Much strength to you
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Old 04-07-2019, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by BKQueen View Post
Hi PinkMarshmallow,
Do you really think it was unhealthy and fruitless? I'm honestly asking. I was going back through some of the screenshots of his Corrlinks emails today. My mind is still having a hard time believing that someone could say I love everyday, ask about "his" kids and how I was feeling and be faking it??? I've been a mess mentally and emotionally over this... Part of me knew it was coming and I had been praying and asking for a sign. The other part of me wants him to wake up and realize what he had and show some Damn real emotions. I know prison isn't an environment where it's safe to be open. I totally get that but it's the I love you part that truly has me stuck. I would have been cool just being his friend.
Oh I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you in any way. I don't know the specific details obviously, I am just basing my opinion on what has been written. I think all the lovely ladies who have replied here have made some very valid points. Regarding his emails, to some people "I love you" are just words you say when you are in a relationship. Therefore people can not always be relied on to tell the truth when they speak about love. My advice always is to consider how he behaved rather than which words he used to describe his feelings. You can usually judge how reliable and steadfast someone is by their actions. From your original post it sounds like his behaviour was very unhealthy and didn't reflect respect, consideration or love for you. I have no doubt you are a kind and caring woman and you deserve a man that gives you his absolute best. You don’t deserve an aching heart and emotional stress. Its quite possible that he will experience regret at some point, for any one of a hundred different reason. Neither you nor I can predict his feelings or figure out his motives. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Its not helpful for you to hang onto any feelings (positive or negative) you have for him. If you focus on the actions/feelings of someone else, you aren’t focusing on the actions of yourself. Just take care of your own life. Better to spend your energy getting busy, enjoying your life and reminding yourself that you are going to meet the person of your DREAMS when the time is right. It could be this year....Best of luck! xo
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Old 04-07-2019, 03:06 PM
BKQueen BKQueen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkMarshmallow View Post
Oh I'm sorry, I did not mean to offend you in any way. I don't know the specific details obviously, I am just basing my opinion on what has been written. I think all the lovely ladies who have replied here have made some very valid points. Regarding his emails, to some people "I love you" are just words you say when you are in a relationship. Therefore people can not always be relied on to tell the truth when they speak about love. My advice always is to consider how he behaved rather than which words he used to describe his feelings. You can usually judge how reliable and steadfast someone is by their actions. From your original post it sounds like his behaviour was very unhealthy and didn't reflect respect, consideration or love for you. I have no doubt you are a kind and caring woman and you deserve a man that gives you his absolute best. You don’t deserve an aching heart and emotional stress. Its quite possible that he will experience regret at some point, for any one of a hundred different reason. Neither you nor I can predict his feelings or figure out his motives. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. Its not helpful for you to hang onto any feelings (positive or negative) you have for him. If you focus on the actions/feelings of someone else, you aren’t focusing on the actions of yourself. Just take care of your own life. Better to spend your energy getting busy, enjoying your life and reminding yourself that you are going to meet the person of your DREAMS when the time is right. It could be this year....Best of luck! xo
Thank you PinkMarshmallow, no worries, I wasn't offended and honestly appreciate your indepth insight
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