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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 09-23-2016, 11:33 PM
PrisonWife116 PrisonWife116 is offline
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Thumbs down I'm not coping well

Here is a back story.

My husband and I got married on March 9th 2015. We found out we were having a baby August 6th 2015. He was arrested December 9th 2015 just 6 days before I gave birth to our premature son at only 23 weeks pregnant.

Having to deal with all the medical decisions, stress, emotions, and watching our son struggle all by myself was terrifying. I hated my husband for leaving me. I slowly got over that.

He was sentenced in May 2016 to 4 years imprisonment and 10 years probation.
I live in WA and he's in WI. Now it has been 9.5 months since he left me but it feels like it is just dragging on.

Watching our son grow up without his dad is agonizing. I despise people that I see, even if I don't know them, that are a happy little family.

My husband isn't coping well either. He hates talking about our son because it makes him sad. Then it pisses me off when he never wants to hear how he's doing or anything. I understand that he's sad that everything 1st our son does he never gets to see, but this is my first child and my husband's third.

I always thought when I got married and had a baby that life would be complete then this happened and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I don't know if it's worth it to wait until December 2019. My husband will be a registered sex offender and I just don't know how I will be able to manage that. Our son and I can live with him, but I can't ever leave our son with him alone. He will constantly have to be with me because of probation and the law.

Any insight?!
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Old 09-24-2016, 02:18 AM
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I'm terribly sorry to hear about your difficulties. It is indeed hard to have a loved one incarcerated and I am sure even harder to parent through that process. I am not a parent and wouldn't be presumptuous enough to offer advice on co-parenting with a spouse who is experiencing difficulties because he's away. However, from your post, it seems that you are mourning the collapse of a dream; the physically present family unit after marriage, the experience of raising your child together etc and like any form of mourning, it occurs in stages and may not be the best time to make long term decisions such as ending your marriage. Also, like other forms of mourning, you do not have to go through it alone, (of course PTO is here for you to vent and receive immediate feedback) but, if it is possible, speak to a professional since doing so can help you sort your emotions and order your thoughts. S/he may even offer strategies on how to broach the topic of your son with your husband. In regards to whether you should wait until December 2019, that is a very personal and individual decision. No one knows the nuances, or ins and outs of your relationship and thus cannot tell you its weight and whether that weight is worth the wait. Only you can decide whether it is best for you and your child, and if it will hurt more to not have your husband in your life. We can only speak from the perspectives of our relationships. It is noteworthy to mention, since you did not list any difficulties in your relationship prior to his incarceration, but rather the physical separation, his difficulties parenting through that separation, and the difficulties associated with him being a registered sex offender as the catalysts, maybe after speaking to a professional you might find your relationship is worth fighting for and maybe you will have the tools to cope with him being a RSO. You may also find a clear resolve to walk away. Regardless, I think a counselor will help you order your thoughts and sort your emotions. All the best .
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Old 09-24-2016, 05:25 AM
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Sarianna Sarianna is offline
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I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Uthando gave some good advice above and I can't really add much to that: it is a very personal and a difficult decision you'll have to make about the future of your marriage...I wish I could offer wise words as to what is best, but I can't - I do believe though that the answer will come to you with time. I saw another post of yours in which you expressed frustration about not being able to really talk to your family about this either - I am hoping you will form connections on this website and perhaps find a support network here. There are many people here who are in a similar situation with you and most of our members are non-judgmental. In the very least we can offer an outlet for you to express your feelings and perhaps being here will make things a bit easier for you, knowing you are not alone in this. Sending you hugs!
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Old 09-24-2016, 06:22 AM
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Sorry to hear this I understand the pain being a single is difficult enough then to deal with the incarceration and sex offender that would weigh heavily on my mind as well. Uthando gave good advice professional help can definitely help a lot with coping and stradagies for deal with this. I also say waiting is something u have to decide. Don't make any major decision thru this time if mourning. God does not put u thru anything u can't handle u both may come out stronger in the end. I wish u luck.
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Old 09-24-2016, 06:22 AM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. It is difficult, but it's a decision that you will have to make. Do whatever is best for you and for your Son.
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Old 10-10-2016, 09:50 PM
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My kids aren't newborns, but I am in the same boat in regards to a husband incarcerated, kids, and him being a SO. While going through our case it was nearly two years of not being able to leave him alone with the boys, and it started when they were 9 and 14.

I highly recommend seeking out a counselor you feel comfortable with. I've done this twice now. Once when things first started to help me get a handle on the grief of losing family (no longer speaking to us over it) and the grief of the loss of the life I thought we were going to have. More recently I've gone back to counseling to help me deal with the next 19 years, and to get what we've started calling "trickle down therapy" as we marriage counsel with only me being able to be present. It's been a huge help having someone to talk to, and to help me with everything, since it all felt too big to deal with on my own. Even if you don't go, I suggest that you make sure you're making big life decisions from a stable place, and not being reactionary since that's when you tend to regret things later.

And I can completely understand why it makes him sad, and why he wants to avoid the topic. Talking about the kids makes mince sad too, but at the same time he really hungers to hear the news so he can still feel like he's a part of our lives somehow. It's not easy, his daughter just got married last weekend, and he's all about ALL the details, but it make shim sad that he missed being a part of things too.

Have you had the frank discussion with him about why it's important to you to be able to tell him about your son? Maybe work out a compromise about how much baby talk you do so he doesn't get too dragged down by it, but you can still share.
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