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  #1  
Old 05-27-2018, 05:27 PM
NoCasserole NoCasserole is offline
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Default My mother was found guilty. I'm out of my depth.

Two days ago, after a five week court case, my mother was found guilty. She was taken into custody straight away, which neither of us expected. She hasn't been sentenced yet but her lawyer thinks she will get 8 years. She has no criminal history and it was a non-violent crime so I'm in shock. She also has a medical condition which I'm hoping will be taken into consideration during sentencing as I'm very worried that she may not survive prison. She has been unwell for a long time now.

My father can't cope and, other than texting me 'Are you okay?' when I first told him, he has not contacted me.

I now have the sole financial responsibility for my mother's mortgage and bills, as well as needing to care for a number of animals that she has rescued over the years. I can't imagine going back to work right now - I'm struggling to even write a list of things I need to sort out. I haven't driven in 10 years and my license has expired and I'm currently sitting in my mother's empty house wondering how the hell I'm supposed to get through the next 4 years (if she only serves half of her sentence in prison) when I can't even do basic things like drive a fricking car.

I have no partner and the only friends who know what's going on and are supportive are currently abroad. They're messaging me to check in which is greatly appreciated but I still feel very alone.

My mother's brother and sister-in-law stopped by her house today to check if she wanted to go to the pub - it came so out of left field given what's going on that I almost burst into hysterics. They live close by but have no idea what's happened - weren't even aware of the court case. They've always treated my mother like the 'black sheep' of the family and, although she kept in touch with them, I hadn't spoken to them for two years until today. I told them she 'wasn't here' but I know that at some point I will need to tell them where she is...

This situation is incomprehensible to me. My mother and I have always been inseparable. I feel like she has died but that I can't grieve openly because of the stigma of a prison sentence.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:07 PM
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I am so sorry. For now, only think of one day at a time. It is such a shock initially. You and she will get through this. You will be ok. She will be ok.
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Old 05-27-2018, 06:24 PM
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Im very sorry. You are going to need support. I would tell your family now. You need help. Forget about judgments and stuff from others.

You are essentially grieving as well as overwhelmed.
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Old 05-27-2018, 10:27 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. Prison is also very hard on family members. If she is sentenced to as much time as you think, my guess is that the house won't survive. If you can sell it, you might avoid foreclosure. If that's what you decide as a family, have her sign an appropriate power of attorney.
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Old 05-27-2018, 11:47 PM
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I am sure at this point you are in complete shock. When you are overwhelmed, the best action is to take it simply one day at a time.
Prioritize your list of responsibilities and set aside the things that can wait.

It may sound silly, but make sure you are eating and drink plenty of water. You will need energy to get through the sentencing.

I can empathize with you on feeling like someone died. It is an all consuming helpless feeling. You have no control over the judicial system so focus on things you can control.

I am truly sorry you are faced with this overwhelming verdict.

Please take care of yourself
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Old 05-28-2018, 01:24 AM
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I'm really sorry you have to go through this. There's not much to say except take one day at a time and make that list of things to do and set priorities. Then attack the list
But one day at a time.

Please allow me some thoughts though - not trying to be judgemental - just trying to get more info:
Since crime/court/sentencing is a somewhat lengthy progress, did you not prepare for the "worst case scenario"? Like getting your license renewed, finding maybe places for the animals, making sure there's enough dough $ for the bills... making a list together with you Mom on what to pay when, etc...

Since you said it felt like a death in your family I can totally relate. When my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live he sat down with my brother and went through everything like insurances, etc...
You are never fully prepared for any of this but there are a few things you can prepare for.

I'm sure you've talked about it and this is still a huge shock so please forgive me for thinking out loud.
You have a lot to deal with right now starting with your own feelings about this all plus all the burden you have to carry taking care of things as long as she's in prison.
Good luck!!
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Old 05-28-2018, 02:39 AM
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Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
I'm really sorry you have to go through this. There's not much to say except take one day at a time and make that list of things to do and set priorities. Then attack the list
But one day at a time.

Please allow me some thoughts though - not trying to be judgemental - just trying to get more info:
Since crime/court/sentencing is a somewhat lengthy progress, did you not prepare for the "worst case scenario"? Like getting your license renewed, finding maybe places for the animals, making sure there's enough dough $ for the bills... making a list together with you Mom on what to pay when, etc...

Since you said it felt like a death in your family I can totally relate. When my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6 months to live he sat down with my brother and went through everything like insurances, etc...
You are never fully prepared for any of this but there are a few things you can prepare for.

I'm sure you've talked about it and this is still a huge shock so please forgive me for thinking out loud.
You have a lot to deal with right now starting with your own feelings about this all plus all the burden you have to carry taking care of things as long as she's in prison.
Good luck!!

Thank you for your response. I can see where you're coming from on the planning element. Unfortunately, my mother was still working right through her court case (she's freelance so worked at home in the evenings) as well as constantly having to search for evidence for her case. The charges she faced kept changing - the last charge being brought in the day before the court case started so she didn't have as much time as we'd have liked to 'put things in order.' The priority had to be fighting her case. She was on legal aid so the support from the lawyers was minimal.

Regarding the license, I had wanted to renew it but I don't have a permanent residence so I wasn't able to. I didn't want to put the address down as my mother's because she has been made bankrupt and I'm worried that will link my credit rating with hers. I still don't know where to register it to.

Regarding the animals, we have been looking since January for a place to move them/someone to take them on. Unfortunately, there is not much market for 10 rescue goats and 7 horses, none of which are ride-able and many of whom have health conditions. In addition to which, you can never be sure that they will go to a good home. We almost gave the goats to a man only to find out that he ran a goat meat business!

Regarding having enough money for bills etc., there isn't much choice with that either. My mother's house is in negative equity so selling it is not an option right now. In addition to which, she will never be given a mortgage again so I really need to keep hold of it so she has somewhere to go to when she is released.

Thank you for your well wishes.
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Old 05-28-2018, 02:44 AM
NoCasserole NoCasserole is offline
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Originally Posted by Friend in Jail View Post
I am so sorry. For now, only think of one day at a time. It is such a shock initially. You and she will get through this. You will be ok. She will be ok.
Thank you. I really hope so.
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Old 05-28-2018, 03:17 AM
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Thank you for your response. I can see where you're coming from on the planning element. Unfortunately, my mother was still working right through her court case (she's freelance so worked at home in the evenings) as well as constantly having to search for evidence for her case. The charges she faced kept changing - the last charge being brought in the day before the court case started so she didn't have as much time as we'd have liked to 'put things in order.' The priority had to be fighting her case. She was on legal aid so the support from the lawyers was minimal.

Regarding the license, I had wanted to renew it but I don't have a permanent residence so I wasn't able to. I didn't want to put the address down as my mother's because she has been made bankrupt and I'm worried that will link my credit rating with hers. I still don't know where to register it to.

Regarding the animals, we have been looking since January for a place to move them/someone to take them on. Unfortunately, there is not much market for 10 rescue goats and 7 horses, none of which are ride-able and many of whom have health conditions. In addition to which, you can never be sure that they will go to a good home. We almost gave the goats to a man only to find out that he ran a goat meat business!

Regarding having enough money for bills etc., there isn't much choice with that either. My mother's house is in negative equity so selling it is not an option right now. In addition to which, she will never be given a mortgage again so I really need to keep hold of it so she has somewhere to go to when she is released.

Thank you for your well wishes.
I'm really really sorry you're facing all this and I totally understand.
You're probably feeling like standing in front of an unscalable mountain but you'll make it with really little steps.
I wish you all the best in the world!!!
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Old 05-28-2018, 04:51 AM
NoCasserole NoCasserole is offline
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Originally Posted by DisneyFan View Post
I am sure at this point you are in complete shock. When you are overwhelmed, the best action is to take it simply one day at a time.
Prioritize your list of responsibilities and set aside the things that can wait.

It may sound silly, but make sure you are eating and drink plenty of water. You will need energy to get through the sentencing.

I can empathize with you on feeling like someone died. It is an all consuming helpless feeling. You have no control over the judicial system so focus on things you can control.

I am truly sorry you are faced with this overwhelming verdict.

Please take care of yourself
Thank you. I hope you are taking care of yourself too.
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Old 05-28-2018, 04:54 AM
NoCasserole NoCasserole is offline
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Originally Posted by fbopnomore View Post
Welcome to Prison Talk.

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. Prison is also very hard on family members. If she is sentenced to as much time as you think, my guess is that the house won't survive. If you can sell it, you might avoid foreclosure. If that's what you decide as a family, have her sign an appropriate power of attorney.
Thank you. I truly hope we don't lose the house. My grandmother died the week before my mother was taken away. As horribly practical as it sounds, I'm hoping some of the money she might have left us can help with the costs.
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Old 05-28-2018, 04:57 AM
NoCasserole NoCasserole is offline
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Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
Im very sorry. You are going to need support. I would tell your family now. You need help. Forget about judgments and stuff from others.

You are essentially grieving as well as overwhelmed.
Thank you. I think I would struggle to accept any help from them. I am still very angry at them for how they have treated my mother. I know how stupid that sounds given the situation we're in... I will tell them though. They deserve to know.
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Old 05-28-2018, 06:28 AM
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Of course you feel like you are grieving - your mother was just taken away from you. It doesn't matter that she was taken away by the government, she was still taken from you. And now you are left to sort out the pieces. You feel like you're grieving because you ARE grieving.

My father was arrested and held until trial. One morning he went to buy fuses... he never saw the inside of his house again. I also grieved. I also had to take over his finances and take care of my mom who has/had dementia.

I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but here in the states, the first priority was to get Power of Attorney so I could deal with everything. I managed the bills eventually, but there are other things that required Power of Attorney to settle (selling cars, re-titling cars, closing some bills down). You will probably have it a little easier since you're her daughter and therefore have a few more legal rights than if you were a grandchild or nephew or family friend. But you might want to look into that Power of Attorney.

As for the animals, have you looked into other rescue groups? I'm sure there must be other rescue groups out there who might be able to split up the animals between them all. If it was one or two dogs, that would be different, but that amount of livestock is going to be far more than burdensome for you.

The British prison system is much less draconian than the US system. Her medical needs would be met in the US system, so I'm guessing they will be met in the UK.

I am very sorry that you're in the spot you're in. There's a saying: "The family serves the sentence also." You will be serving her sentence along with her.

All of us here have been through the stage you're in. You should feel overwhelmed - it is overwhelming. You should feel devastated - it is devastating. You should feel like your world was just turned upside down - it has been.

Remember to breathe. Things will work themselves out one step at a time. Come here any time. We'll support you as best as we can.
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Old 05-28-2018, 08:14 AM
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Of course you feel like you are grieving - your mother was just taken away from you. It doesn't matter that she was taken away by the government, she was still taken from you. And now you are left to sort out the pieces. You feel like you're grieving because you ARE grieving.

My father was arrested and held until trial. One morning he went to buy fuses... he never saw the inside of his house again. I also grieved. I also had to take over his finances and take care of my mom who has/had dementia.

I'm not sure how it works in the UK, but here in the states, the first priority was to get Power of Attorney so I could deal with everything. I managed the bills eventually, but there are other things that required Power of Attorney to settle (selling cars, re-titling cars, closing some bills down). You will probably have it a little easier since you're her daughter and therefore have a few more legal rights than if you were a grandchild or nephew or family friend. But you might want to look into that Power of Attorney.

As for the animals, have you looked into other rescue groups? I'm sure there must be other rescue groups out there who might be able to split up the animals between them all. If it was one or two dogs, that would be different, but that amount of livestock is going to be far more than burdensome for you.

The British prison system is much less draconian than the US system. Her medical needs would be met in the US system, so I'm guessing they will be met in the UK.

I am very sorry that you're in the spot you're in. There's a saying: "The family serves the sentence also." You will be serving her sentence along with her.

All of us here have been through the stage you're in. You should feel overwhelmed - it is overwhelming. You should feel devastated - it is devastating. You should feel like your world was just turned upside down - it has been.

Remember to breathe. Things will work themselves out one step at a time. Come here any time. We'll support you as best as we can.
Thank you for this incredibly kind and thoughtful response. It is comforting (though sad) to know that others have been through the same thing and made it through.

We had arranged for me to have 'authority' over my mother's house so thankfully that is one thing I don't need to deal with. I will need to transfer the car over, as well as telling HMRC that she is no longer self-employed etc etc. Lots to do!

I haven't been able to visit my mother, or talk to her apart from a 1 min phone call on the first night, because it's a bank holiday, she has no money in there and I don't have her prison number yet. I don't know if she even knows why I haven't visited. It's very very strange to lose that basic level of communication.
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Old 05-28-2018, 08:20 AM
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I cant really offer to much more than whats already been said.
And Im terribly sorry you are having to go thru this.
Please reach out to family members. Explain whats happened.
Maybe they can offer some assistance for you with putting things in order.


The advice to breathe is a good one. Take it in small bits rather than looking at the totality all at once. Baby steps.
Someone is usually here if you need an ear.
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Old 05-28-2018, 10:36 AM
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I would also recommend counseling or a support group for yourself. It is a lot to process. You will be going through the motions for a while. You will feel very alone until you reach out to others.

It is ok to lean on others for support. This is a lot. You didn't do it, so the shame is not there for you. Your mom will need you to be a strong as possible.
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Old 05-28-2018, 01:40 PM
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Hi there I am sorry that you are in this situation.Here are some helplines that are veryh useful both for support and information please call them.

The Offenders’ Families Helpline
info@offendersfamilieshelpline.org
Telephone: 0808 808 2003

Helpline for Prisoners’ Families
helpline@prisonadvice.org.uk
Telephone: 0808 808 3444

For prisons in Scotland only
Families Outside Support and Information Helpline
Telephone: 0800 254 0088

This is also a very useful website and they offer a befriending and advice service.

You will find a lot of support here and with these organisations.

Is it possible for you to rent out your mothers house to cover the cost of the mortgage? Letting agents will do the administering for a fee and find you suitable tenants.
If you cannot pay the mortgage and family wont help then you may have to sell at a loss rather than face repossession.

Your mother will get benefits and housing when she is released. It may not be her own house but she should be entitled to housing association support there may be a wait but her probation service will advise. It is likely she will serve 50% of any sentence imposed with the rest served in the community.

Please contact the RSPCA regarding rehoming the animals https://www.rspca.org.uk/home then can advise on local animal shelters.

I hope all this information is of use , above all look after yourself so you can support your Mum.
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Old 05-29-2018, 12:28 PM
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Your mother will get her NHS health care in prison.She will get a medical on arrival and she will be given prescription drugs if needed. My son has skin exceama and he was given NHS care in prison. He was taken to hospital when his condition got worse. NHS Prescriptions are free for inmates so she wont have to pay.

Also if you are on benefits of any kind you can claim back the cost of visiting your mother either by public transport or car, you can also claim for meals and an overnight stay if your mother is placed a distance from your hometown and you need to travel before 6am and wont be back until after midnight. Its worth looking into. See the attached leaflet for details.

I didnt get help as I work, but my daughter and his grandma both claimed back the cost of their visits.

https://www.gov.uk/help-with-prison-visits

https://assets.publishing.service.go...tors-GOVUK.pdf
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Old 05-29-2018, 03:07 PM
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Your mother will get her NHS health care in prison.She will get a medical on arrival and she will be given prescription drugs if needed. My son has skin exceama and he was given NHS care in prison. He was taken to hospital when his condition got worse. NHS Prescriptions are free for inmates so she wont have to pay.

Also if you are on benefits of any kind you can claim back the cost of visiting your mother either by public transport or car, you can also claim for meals and an overnight stay if your mother is placed a distance from your hometown and you need to travel before 6am and wont be back until after midnight. Its worth looking into. See the attached leaflet for details.

I didnt get help as I work, but my daughter and his grandma both claimed back the cost of their visits.
Hey. I tried to reply to your last message but it doesn't seem to have appeared. Thank you very much for all the links and advice. I'm not on any benefits as up until now I worked full time. I've taken this week as annual leave but I'll need to consider my options after that.

Thanks again. I'm sorry to hear your son is in. All my best wishes.
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Old 05-29-2018, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
I'm really really sorry you're facing all this and I totally understand.
You're probably feeling like standing in front of an unscalable mountain but you'll make it with really little steps.
I wish you all the best in the world!!!
Thank you xx
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