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  #1  
Old 04-18-2018, 01:26 AM
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Default I'm struggling

My dad has been sentenced to two years in prison and 5 with paraole and we are trying to appeal for it because the lawyers have been shocking. While doing this and renting out his house my grandfather has been given a month to live and my partner of two years and I broke up yesterday because he hit me. I don't know what to do anymore. He was my only form of support but he treated me horribly yesterday. I don't know if this is the wrong place to post this or what I just don't know where to turn to. I have no one and I'm really struggling with all the things I have to do to help dad and having my heart broken and being left alone. I'm really struggling and I don't know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 04-18-2018, 02:54 AM
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First of all this IS the right place to post here. Your struggles are real and even though I cannot come over to console you, I or better we can only give you written support but heartfelt support.

First things first:
You breaking up with your boyfriend because he hit you was (in my book) the right thing to do. He's not the support or "this" is not the support you need, now or ever.
Try to realize that you are strong and can do and will do without him. It will take time but concentrate on the positive things - there are some I'm sure even though it does not look like it to you right now.

Second:
Your dad being in prison is another struggle you're facing but it's not that much time he'll be gone and renting out his house is a good thing, brings extra income.
Could you possibly turn to him when visiting or talking on the phone? I don't know what your relationship is like but he's your Dad after all.

Third and last:
I'm really sorry that your grandfather is facing this and you as well. This is truly heartbreaking.

So with all of the above you're facing a huge mountain of things who seem impossible to handle at once but you will be able to do it.
It's great that you came here to vent, to tell us, this is the first step of a lot of little steps you will have to take now.

Take care of yourself, be good to yourself as much as possible. Things will fall into place, one way or the other. One of my favorite sayings is: life is not all sunshine and hookers... try to see the positive in any situation. Enjoy time with your grandfather if possible, talk and communicate with your father, don't take the blame for your boyfriend hitting you. Maybe this happening was a blessing in disguise which you might only see at a later point in life.

Sending you a big hug!!
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  #3  
Old 04-18-2018, 05:49 AM
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The chances that an appeal will help him before he serves his two year sentence are slim. Appeals are notoriously slow. Take care of yourself during this awful time in your life. Things will get better for you, but it may take time for that to happen.
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Old 04-18-2018, 06:02 AM
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I have to agree that your boyfriend hitting you was unacceptable and not any kind of support at all. It was an attempt to control you or belittle you, and neither of those are going to help you get through the other things going on in your life right now.

Sometimes life hands us more than we think we can handle. The truth is that we never know just how strong we are until we're pushed far outside what we ever thought we could deal with.

I'm not trying to sound callous, so please read all of this paragraph. Your grandfather is going to die. Your Dad is going to prison. There is nothing you can do about either one of those. That is the bare boned facts. Let me repeat that: there is nothing you can do about either of those. Acceptance of things we can't change is the first step to getting through the situation.

Next: since you can't change what you see coming at you, what CAN you do? You can be there as much as possible for your grandfather. You can be there as much as possible for your Dad. Two years is a (relatively) short sentence, and will go by fast enough that you might not even fully understand the system before you're picking him up from the gate.

Focus not on what you can't control, but on what you can control; not on what you can't fix, but on what you can. You can ease your grandfather, you can help your Dad. You can do nothing else.

And most importantly, you can breathe. Just take a step back for a moment and take three deep breaths. Then do a brainstorming session on what you can do in the right now to make things feel better to you - it won't change the outcome, but maybe just by writing a letter to your Dad telling him how heartbroken you are will help. Maybe calling your Grandfather will help. Maybe writing in a journal will help.

Maybe none of those will help, and the only thing that will help is a good, long cry. I've found that washcloths work better than tissues for that kind of crying.

And you can always always come here for support. You're not alone. We're here.
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Old 04-18-2018, 06:54 AM
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Just echoing what the other have said.
Right place.
Im sorry you are getting blasted with so much all at once.
I hate that is how it goes sometimes.
Just try to do one thing at a time.
You cant do everything, and you cant do it all at once.
Pick the most important thing and chip away at it.

I think breaking up with a bf who hits was THE most important thing for you to do.
He's no support. He's a hindrance
Good for YOU!

Lastly, as we say often on PTO.....breathe.
Glad you found us.
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Old 04-18-2018, 09:21 AM
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That's a huge load of sorrow to be carrying, moose. And Ginger's right in all her analyses - deal with what is present and changeable. The past just ain't.

So go ahead and deal with the sorrows, celebrate leaving the boyfriend (he probably had other controlling behavior before the hit actually occurred) and do what you need to to identify all your emotions, sort them out and cry, then take a deep breath and get moving forward. It's not easy, and in fact it's deeply painful, but do what you can in the time remaining to celebrate your grandfather, share time with your father, and breathe some more.
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Old 04-18-2018, 09:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
First of all this IS the right place to post here. Your struggles are real and even though I cannot come over to console you, I or better we can only give you written support but heartfelt support.

First things first:
You breaking up with your boyfriend because he hit you was (in my book) the right thing to do. He's not the support or "this" is not the support you need, now or ever.
Try to realize that you are strong and can do and will do without him. It will take time but concentrate on the positive things - there are some I'm sure even though it does not look like it to you right now.

Second:
Your dad being in prison is another struggle you're facing but it's not that much time he'll be gone and renting out his house is a good thing, brings extra income.
Could you possibly turn to him when visiting or talking on the phone? I don't know what your relationship is like but he's your Dad after all.

Third and last:
I'm really sorry that your grandfather is facing this and you as well. This is truly heartbreaking.

So with all of the above you're facing a huge mountain of things who seem impossible to handle at once but you will be able to do it.
It's great that you came here to vent, to tell us, this is the first step of a lot of little steps you will have to take now.

Take care of yourself, be good to yourself as much as possible. Things will fall into place, one way or the other. One of my favorite sayings is: life is not all sunshine and hookers... try to see the positive in any situation. Enjoy time with your grandfather if possible, talk and communicate with your father, don't take the blame for your boyfriend hitting you. Maybe this happening was a blessing in disguise which you might only see at a later point in life.

Sending you a big hug!!
It's difficult because he was always the person I turned to and even though he was horrible at times he also was really supportive. Having no friends because I spent most of my time with him also doesn't help because now I only really have my family but my family all have other people as well... And that makes me more depressed because they can't be there for me as much as I need them to. I know I deserve better it's just all the doubts and the unknown.

If I told my dad about it he would get upset because he wasn't able to protect me :/ and he'd feel angry because my dad really liked him and had him over to the house to eat numerous amounts of times and paid for his dinners.

Thank you and I'm trying to look at it as a blessing by thinking at least you know about this now and not 9 years later or not when I was pregnant or anything like that. It could always be worse. I just don't really know what to do. Like even now I don't have him messaging me 24/7 like he would and it just makes me feel alone. Really alone :/ I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 04-18-2018, 09:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerM View Post
I have to agree that your boyfriend hitting you was unacceptable and not any kind of support at all. It was an attempt to control you or belittle you, and neither of those are going to help you get through the other things going on in your life right now.

Sometimes life hands us more than we think we can handle. The truth is that we never know just how strong we are until we're pushed far outside what we ever thought we could deal with.

I'm not trying to sound callous, so please read all of this paragraph. Your grandfather is going to die. Your Dad is going to prison. There is nothing you can do about either one of those. That is the bare boned facts. Let me repeat that: there is nothing you can do about either of those. Acceptance of things we can't change is the first step to getting through the situation.

Next: since you can't change what you see coming at you, what CAN you do? You can be there as much as possible for your grandfather. You can be there as much as possible for your Dad. Two years is a (relatively) short sentence, and will go by fast enough that you might not even fully understand the system before you're picking him up from the gate.

Focus not on what you can't control, but on what you can control; not on what you can't fix, but on what you can. You can ease your grandfather, you can help your Dad. You can do nothing else.

And most importantly, you can breathe. Just take a step back for a moment and take three deep breaths. Then do a brainstorming session on what you can do in the right now to make things feel better to you - it won't change the outcome, but maybe just by writing a letter to your Dad telling him how heartbroken you are will help. Maybe calling your Grandfather will help. Maybe writing in a journal will help.

Maybe none of those will help, and the only thing that will help is a good, long cry. I've found that washcloths work better than tissues for that kind of crying.

And you can always always come here for support. You're not alone. We're here.
I don't know why but your message actually made me tear up a bit. Thank you I guess that is true, these aren't really things I can control. I just really know what to do with myself anymore. That's the problem.. I don't have any friends anymore and my family are always busy and he was practically my life. I saw him literally everyday and now I'm just stuck sitting at home. I just don't know what to do :/ and I've tried to make friends but they aren't friends you can talk to about this stuff and they actually really care. It's just "oh no I'm sorry" kind of stuff. If that makes sense?
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Old 04-18-2018, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
That's a huge load of sorrow to be carrying, moose. And Ginger's right in all her analyses - deal with what is present and changeable. The past just ain't.

So go ahead and deal with the sorrows, celebrate leaving the boyfriend (he probably had other controlling behavior before the hit actually occurred) and do what you need to to identify all your emotions, sort them out and cry, then take a deep breath and get moving forward. It's not easy, and in fact it's deeply painful, but do what you can in the time remaining to celebrate your grandfather, share time with your father, and breathe some more.
Thank you
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Old 04-19-2018, 06:15 AM
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Quote:
I don't have any friends anymore and my family are always busy and he was practically my life. I saw him literally everyday and now I'm just stuck sitting at home. I just don't know what to do :/ and I've tried to make friends but they aren't friends you can talk to about this stuff and they actually really care. It's just "oh no I'm sorry" kind of stuff. If that makes sense?
Perhaps this is a good time to discover how much of a friend you can be to yourself. In psychology, it's called 'self parenting' when you tell yourself what you need to hear from your parents. I see no reason why you couldn't do it for friends (it's surprisingly effective).

Sit down with yourself and have a cup of tea. Then have a conversation with yourself where you play both sides - tell your "friend" all the things that you need to work out. Then become the friend and tell yourself what you would tell someone else if someone else were to tell you the same thing.

Yes, "oh no, I'm sorry" is what most people will say... because they have no experience to say anything more. And they have no idea how to deal with that much stuff coming down all at once, any more than you do.

I'm not saying that 'self friending' will make the situation better, but you might find that in verbalizing everything that's going on, and in treating yourself (out loud) the way you would treat a friend going through the same thing, that a little light gets shone in some of the darker places of your heart right now.

Humans are amazingly resilient creatures. You will make it through this, because the body and mind's will to survive are highly developed. The question is whether you make it through in a reasonably healthy way, or you make it through using unhealthy means.

Try (literally) having a conversation with yourself. You may find that by taking all of the stuff going on inside your head and speaking it out loud, you find some clarity that it currently lacking. We do process information differently when we hear it than when we think it. And it can't hurt. No one will know you did or didn't do it.
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Old 04-19-2018, 10:10 AM
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Take care of yourself.

Since you spent most of your time with him, and he will be locked up for 2 years, it is probably a good idea for you to get out more, and find new folks to associate with. Church? enroll in some educational courses? join a group that shares your interests? Whatever interests you the most.

It will also give you time to better understand domestic violence. Go to some DV group meetings (I don't know the names of any in Australia, but I bet there are some) so you will be aware of how to predict, what behaviors to expect, and how to deal with the situation if you ever find yourself in a relationship with another abuser.
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