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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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Old 09-12-2017, 06:51 AM
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Default Does it last when they come home? All opinions welcome no judgements

I wanted to know how many of you have had successful relationships after you stood by him through his time ( however long) and when they came Home if things worked out. I read and read and I wonder after seeing the statistics. There are so many possibilities and outcomes and you see so many pots about true love while they're in.... also so many and articles about the scams and red flags that some inmates can play to gain money, attention etc. I'm just wondering how many relationships really work and y'all stay together after his bid is up.

No judgements at all just interested in honest feedback.
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:46 AM
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Well everyone is different. When my husband came home the first time we had our ups and downs big time. We were having some huge problems when he was arrested and went to jail then prison for the second time we were together. I think if he hadn't gotten ill we would have had a successful relationship. I know we were still very much in love.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:07 PM
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absolutely no-one can answer your question!

MWI? MBI? Addict? Abuser? Normalish sort of guy? Mental health issues? Player?

Tease out the all the factors, then add together and divide by the number of factors involved. Then pray!
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:12 PM
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Everyone's relationship is different. My husband and I met and two months later he had court. He went in for 9 months I waited because I fell in love with him. He came out and moved in immediately and we were married a year later. And it's been almost 8 years since we met and we couldn't be happier. We've had just a handful of arguments and that's about it We have an amazing loving honest failful and caring marriage. He knows exactly what to do to keep me loving him lol. When I'm just a little upset at him I try my hardest to not even look at him because as soon as I see those blue eyes it's over. It all depends on your relationship with him on how it will turn out.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:35 PM
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My husband and I have "ugly love". We don't do fantasy or protect one another from the less than perfect side of things, including ourselves. We're MWI and we made a conscious decision to have that kind of relationship. We work hard at two things: honesty and staying grounded. For us, we feel that gives us the best shot at making it work when he gets home. But even then, we're both very aware that things will change and neither of us know how that will go.

But my question back to you would be-- have you felt more sorrow than joy from this relationship? Everyone has tough times and those times can be long and heavy. But if the overwhelming feeling is frustration and fatigue, maybe it's time to let it go.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by xolady View Post
Well everyone is different. When my husband came home the first time we had our ups and downs big time. We were having some huge problems when he was arrested and went to jail then prison for the second time we were together. I think if he hadn't gotten ill we would have had a successful relationship. I know we were still very much in love.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate it and this is definitely a struggle. I hope you're doing well and staying happy!!!
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
absolutely no-one can answer your question!

MWI? MBI? Addict? Abuser? Normalish sort of guy? Mental health issues? Player?

Tease out the all the factors, then add together and divide by the number of factors involved. Then pray!
Perhaps I worded it wrong. I was more wondering the statistics behind couples that actually last when their LO comes home. We met before incarceration but things aren't good, haven't been. I read so many loving stories on here and I wish it were mine but it's not. Anyway I research all the time and I also find the success rate to be very low when dealing with inmates. The whole " jail talk" thing and I was just curious how many success stories there is.
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Old 09-12-2017, 12:55 PM
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Everyone's relationship is different. My husband and I met and two months later he had court. He went in for 9 months I waited because I fell in love with him. He came out and moved in immediately and we were married a year later. And it's been almost 8 years since we met and we couldn't be happier. We've had just a handful of arguments and that's about it We have an amazing loving honest failful and caring marriage. He knows exactly what to do to keep me loving him lol. When I'm just a little upset at him I try my hardest to not even look at him because as soon as I see those blue eyes it's over. It all depends on your relationship with him on how it will turn out.
I'm so happy for you! And it sounds like your man knows what he has. Good for you both. I'm happy to hear of a success story after homecoming and that you both are making things work and are happy. Hugs to you..... and thank you for your honestly
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Old 09-12-2017, 01:00 PM
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My husband and I have "ugly love". We don't do fantasy or protect one another from the less than perfect side of things, including ourselves. We're MWI and we made a conscious decision to have that kind of relationship. We work hard at two things: honesty and staying grounded. For us, we feel that gives us the best shot at making it work when he gets home. But even then, we're both very aware that things will change and neither of us know how that will go.

But my question back to you would be-- have you felt more sorrow than joy from this relationship? Everyone has tough times and those times can be long and heavy. But if the overwhelming feeling is frustration and fatigue, maybe it's time to let it go.
Thank you for your response and yes as you can read my relationship is not doing well and I don't see a positive outcome. Sometimes I wonder if I'm wrong and others I think he just doesn't get it ( which he accuses me of always) regardless I perhaps worded it wrong I was more wondering from others if things were successful once they came Home. Not if they can be because of course it can go either way..... I was looking for honest feedback as too whether they came Home and lived up to their promises and y'all stayed together or if they hit the bricks with their new found freedom....
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Old 09-12-2017, 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Ms Anne49 View Post
I wanted to know how many of you have had successful relationships after you stood by him through his time ( however long) and when they came Home if things worked out. I read and read and I wonder after seeing the statistics. There are so many possibilities and outcomes and you see so many pots about true love while they're in.... also so many and articles about the scams and red flags that some inmates can play to gain money, attention etc. I'm just wondering how many relationships really work and y'all stay together after his bid is up.

No judgements at all just interested in honest feedback.
My fiancé has been home almost 8 months and we're still good. It's almost like he never left. I know that's not too long in the scheme of things, but I do know there's a member whose LO has been home like 10 years or so, and she comes every once in a while to update on her life. She's one of the successful stories. Like nimuay said, there's usually a variety of factors involved in relationship success. I can only speak for myself, and so far so good (knock on wood).
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Old 09-12-2017, 02:41 PM
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There are no guarantees with any relationships. If you think about it 99% fail and people couple up with one person. Sometimes those marriages work and sometimes they don't.

There are different stressors attached for this sure. It is what we make of it. Only time we have is now and each day we are blessed with that follows
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Old 09-13-2017, 08:29 AM
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MWI? MBI? Addict? Abuser? Normalish sort of guy? Mental health issues? Player?
Not to forget HER flaws and issues that might make this ride pretty difficult.
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Old 09-13-2017, 11:21 AM
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Thank you for your response and yes as you can read my relationship is not doing well and I don't see a positive outcome.
If things already weren't great, don't expect miracles to have been wrought by a prison term. Most only change for the worse or not at all. The relative few who do change are generally more thoughtful, introspective about their own behavior and actually working on their flaws.
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Old 09-15-2017, 03:32 PM
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Ms Anne I've read your posts about your relationship and I'm going to be blunt...if your man is this much of a jerk while he's in it's only going to be worse when he gets out. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I have to call it like I see it.
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Old 09-15-2017, 04:40 PM
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It really depends on the strength of the relationship when he went in and the strides that have been made by both of you while he is away.

It is troubling to me that so many on here are trying so hard to make bad relationships work. Yes, all relationships have ups and downs and it is work to keep a good, healthy relationship strong..... but if the relationship is not good or healthy, it may be time to re-evaluate. Life is too short to be miserable.
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Old 09-15-2017, 05:39 PM
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Ms Anne I've read your posts about your relationship and I'm going to be blunt...if your man is this much of a jerk while he's in it's only going to be worse when he gets out. I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I have to call it like I see it.
No apologies needed I know this it's just hard to leave someone when they are in such a bad place but I know he doesn't treat me well and I know it's best to keep walking. Things won't get better I appreciate your bluntness
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Old 09-15-2017, 05:40 PM
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It really depends on the strength of the relationship when he went in and the strides that have been made by both of you while he is away.

It is troubling to me that so many on here are trying so hard to make bad relationships work. Yes, all relationships have ups and downs and it is work to keep a good, healthy relationship strong..... but if the relationship is not good or healthy, it may be time to re-evaluate. Life is too short to be miserable.
Agree- honestly it wasn't that " strong" so I feel like a fool for believing things he said in the beginning but it is what it is. Don't want to waste more time wishing for him to change.
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Old 09-15-2017, 05:41 PM
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If things already weren't great, don't expect miracles to have been wrought by a prison term. Most only change for the worse or not at all. The relative few who do change are generally more thoughtful, introspective about their own behavior and actually working on their flaws.
Agree- I've never been but I would like to think if prison doesn't humble a man to some degree nothing will. Thank you again for your help and insight .
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Old 09-15-2017, 05:46 PM
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Not to forget HER flaws and issues that might make this ride pretty difficult.
No one is perfect. Thank you for your response and although I do have flaws and I acknowledge them that's not what I was asking. We all have things to give up so to speak when we love someone incarcerated and things to work on as it's a different kind of relationship that requires much more communication than an outside relationship for that's all we have. When that is sevrrd it's tough. Bit my question was more to the point of success stories of people that HAVE made it or HAVENT... you read so much on both sides I was just wondering how many truly make it to the happily ever after when released.
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Old 09-15-2017, 06:05 PM
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You don't have to decide anything now. You can pull back and focus on yourself. Find joy in your life right now. As time passes, gauge how he treats you and reacts. If it doesn't feel right or good, you'll know for sure.

Don't stay because you feel guilty. You didn't put him there. He did this to himself.
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Old 09-15-2017, 07:06 PM
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You don't have to decide anything now. You can pull back and focus on yourself. Find joy in your life right now. As time passes, gauge how he treats you and reacts. If it doesn't feel right or good, you'll know for sure.

Don't stay because you feel guilty. You didn't put him there. He did this to himself.
Thanks but I think we are pretty much done. It's his way or no way and I can't subject myself to this any longer. Things will be rough but if I look ahead I will be ok. I hope he is too I really do. I just don't deserve this and we just aren't compatible.
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Old 09-15-2017, 07:14 PM
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I am pulling for YOU Ms Anne!
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Old 09-15-2017, 08:44 PM
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I am pulling for YOU Ms Anne!
Thank you honey!!!! There isn't much I wpuldnt have done for him and this has nothing to do with where he is I do love him but unfortunately he can't treat me kindly, respectfully. I'm tired. I do and do and do every for him and I don't serve this. I will need your support and I thank you. I will
Miss him like crazy.... I do love him but I need to take care of me. I do hope he finds his way and I hope he's ok and makes it through this ok.
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Old 09-15-2017, 10:37 PM
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Hi Anne,

A little late to the party here.

I'd just like to share a bit of a part of Dee and mine's story. Before I do though, I want to say that the general advice you're getting: make sure you are taking care of you first...that's the best advice. So whether you stay or leave.....make sure you yourself are strengthened regardless. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Love...makes us do crazy things sometimes. So I also completely understand why you haven't left yet.

Dee would probably tell you that I should have left her on several occasions. There were times she treated me poorly. There were times she got us into absolutely ridiculous situations. There were all the times she didn't get her way on a phone call where she went out to the yard and told everyone she was never speaking to me again.

Rationally. Reasonably. I should have walked away a long time ago.

I didn't. And I am not saying you shouldn't. But. If you don't. I won't judge you.

About 3 1/2 years in, on a County Jail visit when she was fighting a second charge, I came to visit. And she looked at me. And looked down. And looked at me again.

And she said "I'm sorry I've been such a bitch to you."

Out of nowhere.

And it wasn't that I needed the apology or the self-depreciation.

But it was a change. A change in her. And ultimately a change in our relationship for the better. An entire shift in the momentum of the relationship.

And after that she did better. She disengaged from the things that got her in trouble. She re-focused herself on our relationship and on strengthening herself.

And now she's home. 9 months on Sunday. It's not without its challenges. But it's working. And it's good.

So, yes. It can work. And it can last. And people can change for the better.

But it also doesn't always happen.

Regardless of what you ultimately choose, I wish you well and I hope that things also will get better for him, one way or another.

-E
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Old 09-16-2017, 04:11 PM
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Perhaps I worded it wrong. I was more wondering the statistics behind couples that actually last when their LO comes home. We met before incarceration but things aren't good, haven't been. I read so many loving stories on here and I wish it were mine but it's not. Anyway I research all the time and I also find the success rate to be very low when dealing with inmates. The whole " jail talk" thing and I was just curious how many success stories there is.
Like many have said, every relationship is different! Every inmate is different! The reality is so many things play into potential success with relationships: personalities, education level, previous experiences, parental examples, children, etc. That is with just "normal" relationships and not ones conflicted with the complexities of prison life!

People who choose a relationship with an inmate have to realize that inmates typically have more attributes that pose great risks to relationship success: drug addiction, personality quirks, ego, mental illness, lack of education, possible familial instability, dishonesty, impulse control issues, gang affiliation, poor work history, and so much more! Obviously, not all attributes exist with every inmate, but you have to assume there are some things that were true about your inmate for him/her to be incarcerated in the first place.

I know you were wanting actual examples, but my guess is most people don't continue spending as much time, if any, on this forum once their inmate comes home. Either they have moved on and continue having success or they have moved on separately. If the success rate is maybe 50% for an average couple, I would guess that the success rate for a couple affected by incarceration is maybe 25%. The best thing couples can do is keep it all the way real while incarcerated! And insist on openness and honesty! Life is not all rainbows and butterflies! If it seems that your inmate is overly loving, not much bothers him/her, he/she pretends that everything is all about you all of the time, maybe that is not real life. Maybe. If your inmate is the opposite of that and he/she completely selfish, disrespectful, dishonest, overly controlling, easily angered, etc., maybe those are true attributes that will still exist when he/she comes home. You would need to ask yourself if that is good enough for you. If it seems to good to be true, it might just be. If it is already bad, it might be likely that it stays that way. Time ALWAYS plays a role in these things though! Age matters and so does growth/maturity!

Last edited by Curt'swife8; 09-16-2017 at 04:31 PM..
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