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  #1  
Old 12-29-2008, 07:45 PM
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Default Ex girlfriend... what would you do?

Hey ladies...I have a weird situation, and I wanted to hear some feedback.

My boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend. Well, he's got a couple. I'm secure in our relationship and I don't doubt his love for me, but this girl has caught me with a big QUESTION MARK over my head...I don't have an issue with friends of the opposite sex, as long as they were friends prior to the relationship, (it's the ones that come after or during that you have to worry about). However, I have been gone for the last few months while he's been in, unable to visit.

While I'm away, I write several rimes a week, sending him my support and everything you would expect a girlfriend to do, and he to me in return. I'm in town for a month, so I go to see him twice a week now, and one night his ex shows up...saying "he asked me to come see him so I did." But she was too late and couldn't visit (can't say I felt bad). So as soon as I got home I wrote to her saying, "please call me if you are going to visit, because I do not want to share my visit, I would rather not go at all." I was very polite and clear that this was MY relationship and I wanted to see him as much as possible. I think half of me was assuming that she would just wait until I left again so she wouldn't take up my time.

Well she calls me the other night, and asks if she can go Wednesday...I say yes, that's fine I just won't go, I'm not worried about her too much, but I'm confused about her motives. T doesn't really want to see her, but I was a little annoyed and told him "obviously you do, because you asked her in the first place." He simply said, "Yes, but I wanted her to come when you weren't in town, taking up our time." He's always been honest when someone writes him, but it still frustrates me to think she will be having my visit slot on New Years Eve, and not me...

I guess I'm just asking what some of you would do in this situation? Do I go crazy and get possessive, or do I just keep a watchful eye on the situation... I am not a jealous person, but I have been feeling a little bad and driving myself crazy with the "what would you do if another woman was visiting your man" thread... Sorry this is so long!

Thoughts?
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:49 PM
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it would seriously bother me if marc had ex-girlfriends coming to visit him. esp. if he invited them. and i wouldn't have my ex's over to hang out when he isn't there. but that's just us.
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by WithTheFlow View Post
Hey ladies...I have a weird situation, and I wanted to hear some feedback.

My boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend. Well, he's got a couple. I'm secure in our relationship and I don't doubt his love for me, but this girl has caught me with a big QUESTION MARK over my head...I don't have an issue with friends of the opposite sex, as long as they were friends prior to the relationship, (it's the ones that come after or during that you have to worry about). However, I have been gone for the last few months while he's been in, unable to visit.

While I'm away, I write several rimes a week, sending him my support and everything you would expect a girlfriend to do, and he to me in return. I'm in town for a month, so I go to see him twice a week now, and one night his ex shows up...saying "he asked me to come see him so I did." But she was too late and couldn't visit (can't say I felt bad). So as soon as I got home I wrote to her saying, "please call me if you are going to visit, because I do not want to share my visit, I would rather not go at all." I was very polite and clear that this was MY relationship and I wanted to see him as much as possible. I think half of me was assuming that she would just wait until I left again so she wouldn't take up my time.

Well she calls me the other night, and asks if she can go Wednesday...I say yes, that's fine I just won't go, I'm not worried about her too much, but I'm confused about her motives. T doesn't really want to see her, but I was a little annoyed and told him "obviously you do, because you asked her in the first place." He simply said, "Yes, but I wanted her to come when you weren't in town, taking up our time." He's always been honest when someone writes him, but it still frustrates me to think she will be having my visit slot on New Years Eve, and not me...

I guess I'm just asking what some of you would do in this situation? Do I go crazy and get possessive, or do I just keep a watchful eye on the situation... I am not a jealous person, but I have been feeling a little bad and driving myself crazy with the "what would you do if another woman was visiting your man" thread... Sorry this is so long!

Thoughts?
I admire your strength and patience. This situation would never happen in my case. No ex's of nothing would ever come to visit my husband. I wouldn't,couldn't stand for it. My husband would never ask any females to come and visit him, well unless he suddenly lost his mind. Now you can call me jealous,crazy,insecure or whatever else you can think of but IMO there is no good intentions in this situation. Always go with your gut feeling. I can't believe that you gave up a visit for her. I also want to add that it's not totally true that the ones you have to worry about come after or during. I have alot of friends who wouldn't mind gettting back with their ex's and they know their new girlfriends. Believe me, the only thing stopping some of them is the guy.
I don't know, maybe I'm totally wrong here but I don't understand how you could let another woman visit your guy, especially when she takes your visit slot. Maybe some other women can chime in and give better opinions. I'm mad and it's not even my relationship!
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:09 PM
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Well she calls me the other night, and asks if she can go Wednesday...I say yes, that's fine I just won't go, I'm not worried about her too much, but I'm confused about her motives. T doesn't really want to see her, but I was a little annoyed and told him "obviously you do, because you asked her in the first place." He simply said, "Yes, but I wanted her to come when you weren't in town, taking up our time." He's always been honest when someone writes him, but it still frustrates me to think she will be having my visit slot on New Years Eve, and not me...

I guess I'm just asking what some of you would do in this situation? Do I go crazy and get possessive, or do I just keep a watchful eye on the situation... I am not a jealous person, but I have been feeling a little bad and driving myself crazy with the "what would you do if another woman was visiting your man" thread... Sorry this is so long!

Thoughts?
I'm curious to know why you would give up your visit slot on New Years Eve when you know you wanted to be there?
I would give her credit though, at least she did respect your wishes and call you instead of just showing up.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:13 PM
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WOW, if my husband EVER thought of having another visitor (especially of the female kind) he would NOT see me again. You are sure better than me. You speak so matter of factly about it, and I would have LOST IT!!! I dont know what to say about your situation (picking chin up off the floor). Its one thing to have a female FRIEND visit but an EX, that he has history with is a whole new ballgame.........
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:14 PM
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If they don't have kids together then she has no business visiting YOUR boyfriend
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:19 PM
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I'm curious to know why you would give up your visit slot on New Years Eve when you know you wanted to be there?
I would give her credit though, at least she did respect your wishes and call you instead of just showing up.
I guess I was only thinking about it being New Years as I was writing... the holidays don't bug me too much, because I tend not to celebrate them. Part of me feels like I should just show up and be like, Why should I step aside! Why should she feel like she can just step in... On the other hand, it's like whatever...he set himself up for it so he can suffer the consequences, and set her straight himself (I do trust him to do this). --She is the exact opposite of me, this is why she doesn't bother/worry me.-- However, I have no desire to sit there and play nice or share my visits with this girl, so I'd rather not go at all.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:20 PM
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You are very calm about all this I admire you. I mean maybe if I lived in the same place and had visits all the time. I wouldnt be as mad (but close) But you are only in town for a month the first run in maybe understandable if he didnt know she was coming but h e should have in the very least told her do not come back until you were gone. I mean maybe since you can visit him he wants visits from whoever if you trust him then I guess thats cool. I am not a very trusting person and this seems fishy to me. I would umm dig a lil bit for some more info. I was an ex and now he is mine again????
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:22 PM
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OK first things first, EX's have NO place in in a relationship especially when children aren't involved. Now you said that HE asked her to come, but then you said that he doesn't really want to see her. Now my question is, she would have to be on his visiting list, so that means he would have had to add her. If he really didn't want to see her, why would he go through the trouble? So you have been out of town, why does this matter? Does that mean everytime you can't be around he has to have a woman around to visit?
I hope I don't offend you or anyone else for that matter, but the whole situation SCREAMS something is NOT right.

There is NO WAY IN HELL any woman who isn't related to my husband would ever get to visit my husband. That is wrong. I don't care if she is an "old friend" or not, an EX would NEVER be allowed period, no if's and's or but's about it. He is MY husband and I am the ONLY one who gets those visits. If he ever said something like that to me he would be finding out how life would be without me pretty quick. Because if he needs the company of another woman, than obviously he doesn't need mine.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:25 PM
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--She is the exact opposite of me, this is why she doesn't bother/worry me.--
So what she is the exact opposite of you, if she is an EX, that means he at one time was attracted to her ...... I don't get what this has to do with anything. I don't get why you think because she is the opposite of you, he wouldn't be interested in her still.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:28 PM
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OK first things first, EX's have NO place in in a relationship especially when children aren't involved. Now you said that HE asked her to come, but then you said that he doesn't really want to see her. Now my question is, she would have to be on his visiting list, so that means he would have had to add her. If he really didn't want to see her, why would he go through the trouble? So you have been out of town, why does this matter? Does that mean everytime you can't be around he has to have a woman around to visit?
I hope I don't offend you or anyone else for that matter, but the whole situation SCREAMS something is NOT right.
You don't offend me haha. I asked for help, right?
But to address some things, he is finishing his sentence in county, which means anyone can show up...which is frustrating, otherwise there would be no way this would be an issue..
She originally wrote him when she found out where he was and offered her help, and then showed up one night while I was there, as far as I know they don't maintain contact through letters, and T asks me every time what I think about *such and such* when it comes to her.
Finally, I have an ex boyfriend who is close to me, but we just didn't work together as a couple, so think it would be hypocritical of me to go nuts on him right away...
**sigh**
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:29 PM
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WWHHHAAATTTTT??????????!!!!!! ARE U SERIOUS???? I AM SOOO WITH MONKEY!!!! And with thugwife!! u speak of it like nothing!! look, i dont give a flying flie if its his baby mom, his ex wife, his resucitating angel, if she does not carry his blood and last family name, i'll be darned if some other woman is gona visit him!!! I DO EVERY THING FOR THAT MAN!! EVERY THING HE ASKS FOR, NO MATTER THE COST OR RISK!! HE WILL RESPECT ME!! my man's ex has this obsession still with him that he cant seem to shake her off completely yet, but i told him, if by any chance he ever accepts a visit from her, that'll be the day he can say good bye to me forever!! i am all the woman he needs, and then some!! AARRGGGHHH!!! I AM SO ANGRY AT UR MAN!!
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:35 PM
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If it were me, I'd have asked her to step aside for the visit rather than offering to step aside, (As in, "you might want to call before you visit so you don't end up wasting the trip because I already went") but otherwise, I think you're handling this with grace, class and trust.

Until T gives you a good reason to worry, don't.
Very little is more attractive than confidence, security and trust.

I have exes that are very, very dear and my husband, wonderful man that he is, would not be my husband if he couldn't accept the fact that I have friends of both genders with various histories within those friendships.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:39 PM
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If they don't have kids together then she has no business visiting YOUR boyfriend

yep yep...I completely agree, and call me jelous, but even if they did have children together, she has no business visiting him without those kids
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Old 12-29-2008, 09:00 PM
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WWHHHAAATTTTT??????????!!!!!! ARE U SERIOUS???? I AM SOOO WITH MONKEY!!!! And with thugwife!! u speak of it like nothing!! look, i dont give a flying flie if its his baby mom, his ex wife, his resucitating angel, if she does not carry his blood and last family name, i'll be darned if some other woman is gona visit him!!! I DO EVERY THING FOR THAT MAN!! EVERY THING HE ASKS FOR, NO MATTER THE COST OR RISK!! HE WILL RESPECT ME!! my man's ex has this obsession still with him that he cant seem to shake her off completely yet, but i told him, if by any chance he ever accepts a visit from her, that'll be the day he can say good bye to me forever!! i am all the woman he needs, and then some!! AARRGGGHHH!!! I AM SO ANGRY AT UR MAN!!
I'm so happy that I'm not the only one that feels that way. I would never step aside for someone else to visit my husband. It just doesn't seem right. If he doesn't care about seeing her then why invite her? It's just nuts. I'm still mad thinking about it!
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Old 12-29-2008, 09:10 PM
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I mean everyones relationship is different and if you arent threatened then by all means there shouldnt be a problem but I wouldnt have given up one of my very limited visits and on new years eve....

I have more than one ex that is my friend whom I dont have any relations other than friendship with. My man doesnt love the whole idea of it but he trusts me.
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:18 AM
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The whole "filling" in thing while your away, is what would really put a queation mark in my head. Whats gonna happen when he's home and your "away"?? I personally cant see talking to an EX for hours a day, and not stumbling around talking about old times. I just dont see it happening...I think she should GO AWAY!!!
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Old 01-02-2009, 12:41 AM
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I have to agree with the ladies, My honey would never disresepct me by having another female visitor, let alone his ex! then if he found out that i gave up my Wed visit so she could come and visit him. Nah, girl, do some soul searching and make sure things are cool. That is not too cool in my book & if he did that to me then i would seriouslt be rethinking our relationship. I hope it all works out for you!
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:08 PM
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too much drama for this momma!
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:39 PM
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Girl.....you are a GOOD one, I tell you.
I wouldn't have handled that situation well...at all.
I give you your props for not being jealous, that can take a lot.
Personally, I wouldn't want any exes visiting him, ever.
I don't care how long or how short their relationship was, but he's mine now.

Since you're not the jealous type, ask her, since you are able to contact her, what are her motives for visiting him. You don't seem to have a bad vibe with her, so I'd just ask her.

Good luck...but remember, even though we trust our man...we can't always trust another female.
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Old 01-07-2009, 12:49 PM
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I would be pissed off if an ex wanted to visit.Thank god tim would never have an ex on his visiting list.
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Old 01-07-2009, 01:09 PM
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If they don't have kids together then she has no business visiting YOUR boyfriend
that was my thoughts exactly.
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Old 01-07-2009, 01:16 PM
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The only part of this that kinda got me is when you said that he asked her to come and then he said well yea but I didn't want her to come when YOU were in town. Im sorry, you are a much better person than I am because not for nothing, that chick is laughing her butt off at you right now. I am so not trying to be rude but it's true. What possible reason, other then her wanting to be back in his life could this woman have for needing, better yet, WANTING to visit your man in prison? I love LOVE LOVE my man but prison visits, yea not as much fun as you would think. I do it because I love him and I don't care how I see him as long as I see him. This young lady has you mama and if I were you, regardless of the fact that you have faith in you and your man, I would tell him, forget her, that's HIS responsibility, that she needs to refrain from visiting, writing or basically having any contact for any reason. There is a reason why she is the X and out of respect for you, your man needs to handle this. If he comes out of his face, offended when you ask, simple ask him, would you be okay if it was MY ex, coming to see ME? I can bet you a bill his answer will probably be heard round the visiting room. LOL

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Old 01-07-2009, 02:22 PM
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Im really confused as to why he would ask an ex girlfriend to come visit him I would probably bug out if my man asked one of his ex girlfriends to come visit him and I would be damned if I would miss a visit so another female could go see him especially an ex girlfriend nope that would not happen
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Old 01-09-2009, 09:09 PM
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I don't think that would fly with me. Maybe - - just maybe - - if he talked to me first and explained why he wanted to see her and I felt it was reasonable - - but not on a regular basis and certainly not if he did it, hid it, and I found out!

P.S. Tell him if she's going to take away some of your visits then she needs to start putting money in his account and paying for the phone calls too!!!
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