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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 08-25-2008, 03:36 PM
MurphyGirl MurphyGirl is offline
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Default What's the glue that holds you to your lifer?

I've been thinking about the threads we've responded to lately about how can we stay with our lifers. Why do we do it?
I've always thought that it was a good question, but it's been asked in the wrong way. So I am going to ask you all this...

What is the glue that holds you to your lifer?

What is it about him that you absolutely love that keeps you from being able to walk away?

For me there are many things, Our history together.We grew up together , We met as kids, loved each other when we were teenagers lived together after high school..
His eyes! I feel such a deep connection when I look into his eyes, it's almost spiritual!
The respect we have for each other, it would be so easy to take short cuts in our relationship but we don't. We go the full mile for each other because nothing less would be cheating ourselves.
I love the way he knows me better than I know myself. how he remembers almost everything important I've ever said to him.

there is so much more but you guys get the point!!

So let's hear some positive thoughts and ideas!

NO negative posts please!


hugs,
Ann
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Old 08-25-2008, 06:04 PM
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History has a lot do with us also, together as young adults, the whirlwind of romance and the lust of being young. Our parting for so many years, only to discover as mature adults the embers are hot, that our love never burned out. (Thus my signature line.) Now 4 years back together the whirlwind of lust and the romance of being older...............I've always known he is my destiny, my companion, my partner. The man I want and need to take my hand and walk through life by my side. My Soul Mate.
There isn't any one physical attribute which draws me to him, other than to say he compliments me, as I him, as different as we are in appearance, his dark Italian features; me fair, freckled and red hair. There is the mixture of my red haired hot tempered, firey personality and his sultry, sexy and very playful nature. All that rolled toghether...........well OO-LA-LA...............and then some.
And simply......he gets me..........
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Old 08-25-2008, 06:20 PM
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Him knowing everything about me, and accepting me for my faults and all! He has supported me in an emotional way like no other. When I was living on the reservation he helped me to deal with some of the very tradgic things that were happening. He also has a way of making me understand the world around me... and also sees the world very simialar to the way that I do... That is just one drop of the glue!
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Old 08-25-2008, 06:53 PM
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We started out as friends first. If not for this, I know there would be no us.
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Old 08-25-2008, 07:02 PM
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My fiance and I were also friends, for over 20 years....reeally more like Brother and Sister...then God intervened and Im humbled and Thankful that he did

Our Glue: Our Trust in God. The three of us (him, me, God) made promises to one another, and sticking together and believing is what keeps us going.

It isnt the perfect relationship by any means, but it's quite a lovely one...one that I used to only dream about (you know, the RIGHT guy....)
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Old 08-25-2008, 07:27 PM
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I think I am going to sticky this thread and when folks come asking why we stick with our lifers, we are going to direct them to this thread. that way we need not repeat ourselves over and again!


thanks lifer family!!
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Old 08-25-2008, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by penwife View Post
I think I am going to sticky this thread and when folks come asking why we stick with our lifers, we are going to direct them to this thread. that way we need not repeat ourselves over and again!


thanks lifer family!!
Too bad that it has become a necessity. But a great idea.......Thank you!!!!
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Old 08-26-2008, 07:40 AM
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Like many of you, at the beginning it was our history as teenagers together, the remembrance of the fire that existed (and still does) between us, the sheer fun we had together, but then there was always something else there, something that neither one of us truly realized was there until he was gone.

After reuniting with him and finding the man grown, what keeps us together, in addition to that fire, is mutual respect with what we each have done with our lives. How we have dealt with adversity in the past, and now how we deal with it together. In addition to this, there is the sheer joy he gets out of us, he truly tries to live thru his own experiences and mine, he has an exuberance towards life that I know should he ever be granted the miracle of his freedom, I will have a heck of a time keeping up with him, but it will be my pleasure to try.

This and his never ending kindness and consideration to me and others. I've never met a kinder, gentler soul than this man, who is not afraid to show me his emotions, his tears, his heart. Even should life someday take us down different paths, his impact on me has been life changing. He is my teacher, my friend, my love.
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Old 08-26-2008, 04:18 PM
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I love his eyes, and how they let me know exactly what he's feeling no matter what his face is saying. When I think about our wedding day all I can visualise are his beautiful brown eyes looking into mine -- it made no difference that we were in a visiting room or that we weren't allowed to come up with our own vows; everything he was promising me was right there in his eyes.

I love the way he decides what needs to be done and just does it. He doesn't wait for somebody to see that he's doing the right thing and always seems surprised when I let him know that I've noticed. He has his own inner barometer for measuring the man he wants to be in the world, and he works as hard as he can not to allow prison to compromise that. He does it for himself, and for me and the kids, and genuinely doesn't expect any recognition from anybody.

But best of all I love who we are together. Our relationship is a lot more than the sum of each of us alone -- we make each other stronger and brighter and better. He's proven to me that when the worst happens he'll put his own feelings aside to help me through it, and when he's the one who needs help he isn't too proud to lean on me and share the burden. Where one of us is strong the other is weak and vice versa -- we balance each other perfectly. To put it simply, we just fit.

Excellent idea for a thread, Ann.
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Old 08-26-2008, 08:02 PM
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I know that it is the history and the connection that we first made when we met eachother. He is the my light. Everything that I could every want he is that. THe darkness that we both feel when we miss eachother is drowned out by our connection when we see eachother. I think that any Good relationship has to have a little pain and maybe this is a test to see if this is truly what we both want. I love Him and Only God knows how much I do. That is why he has made me and My Prisoner stick toghether like glue.
Thank You all for reading and I am thankful that there is a site like this!
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Old 08-27-2008, 08:24 AM
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I know he is the one I had been waiting for and looking for all my life. He's the one. He says the same of me!
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Old 08-27-2008, 01:16 PM
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The glue that holds us together is love, respect, honesty, meaningful conversations, hopes, dreams, goals and a solid friendship. Humor is another glue. No matter what, we always find something to laugh about. If he has a bad day, I brighten it up for and with him, and he does the same for me. We share the same values and love for life. He isn't scared of his emotions - or mine. He is a wonderful, amazing and strong man and I can't imagine my life without him. I am sure there would be plenty of people in line to tell me I'm living in a fantasy world, and even if that was the case, I'd rather stay in whatever world as long as he was there too. We're not together on an "impulse" - we both needed time and space to figure out what was best for the both of us. We decided we're better together - and so it shall be!
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Old 08-29-2008, 12:48 AM
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Wow, I love reading all of your responses to this question. I can pull from almost all of your responses and say exactly the same thing. But I will do my best to put it in my own words.

We had been family friends since I was a tiny little girl. For the longest time, I thought I knew what I was looking for, until I found my Man. We have been together for so long, and we truly started out as friends first. That has been our foundation, besides having such a strong Christian faith and it is solid. We have really brought the best out of each other, and both bring out our Authentic selves. It is amazing how big of a heart this man has, how much he wants to give and do for others. I love how much he continues to care for others, even when they haven't been there for him. I love it when I know I can make him laugh, either it be on the phone or in visiting, because I know for that moment, he is truly happy, even if he is in those walls, and that makes me feel so good. The love, respect and admiration we have for each other is beyond words. We both are very strong people, but know when to humble ourselves to each other. His strength is almost like a turn on for me. It's amazing. Our communication is out of this world, and I truly can't imagine being with anyone else. He is also in some respect my Hero. For surviving the ugliness that can happen within those walls for these 26+ years. His faith in God and his trust in me amazes me and makes me even a stronger person. We both make each other stronger. He says I am what makes his heart beat and his legs move. Our true connection to each other is something I have never in my younger years ever experienced, EVER! I truly believe we were just meant to be. Unfortunately our circumstances of him in there and me out here may not be the norm, but I know in my heart, gut and soul he is coming home to me very soon, and that will be another beginning for us and it will be beautiful!
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Old 09-03-2008, 09:23 PM
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me and my fiance have just celebrated our 7yr anniversary. Mike and I built our relationship on our foundation of friendship and we didnt meet threw a chat line we met threw my lil brother (they are best friends too). We've always been honest with one another even when we KNOW that the other may be upset about what the other may have to say or confide. We don't have to grill each other for info we freely offer the info to the other willingly. We have a deep respect for each other and we know how to admit our wrongs to one another. we put each other first. We do things for one another he has paid my bills (not gonna elaborate or how but he has made ways to help me when I've needed it as I have done for him in return. I know we will work out when he comes home because we will always work threw any problem together as we have thus far and believe me we have had some serious things happen during the last 7years and it tested the bond we have but we preveiled because neither of us can see ourselves without the other. If he didnt really want to be with me I would know by now and he would know if it were me because we notice everything about one another and he isn't with me because he has no other options because we both have other options but we CHOOSE to be with one another because that is where our heart, mind , honor and LOYALITY lies and we are extremely LOYAL to one another and maybe him more so to me than me to him. I've made mistakes and he knows because I don't lie to him but he has forgiven me and we are still planing our lives together. We just have too much that bonds us including a beautiful daughter we share in common. that man is just everything and then some of what I wanted and finally found me.

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I him so much, I Keep it out until the come off and we are can FINALLY be FREE to and one another W/O DOC all in our biz until then I live for and every available minute we can have together,no regrets.
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  #15  
Old 09-04-2008, 10:43 AM
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Not sure if you guys are only looking for people who are related to or romantically involved with here... but I'll post my info anyways.

I'm not related to or romantically involved with either of my two Lifers. I'd have to explain my story a little bit for one Lifer to help you understand us better... which will then lead to my other Lifer.

When I was 14 yrs. old in 1991, my 18 yr. old boyfriend was murdered. With not being able to fully understand things as they were, due to me being so young... I didn't harbor hatred for the crime committed. I did, however, send my mind into the state of denial... for 16 years. A cousin of mine ended up in jail in 2005/prison in 2006, which allowed me to then realize inmate information was available via the internet. I looked up the person who murdered my boyfriend. When I found him... I wanted to write, to see if he actually did commit the crime and if he did, to find out why he did it and what happened.

When I seen he was up for parole in 2007... I struck up a nerve to write him a letter asking him those important questions that I never had any answers to. He wrote me back everything I needed to know and then some. We've been writing to each other for over a year now and have gotten very close. Right now, I'm the only person on the outside that has made contact with him, ever. I'm the first person he actually shared the sequence of events with, too. He's never asked me for anything except friendship.

My belief is to make a change in someone's life, you must be willing to go the extra mile. I feel that we have stuck together because neither of us had any support through what happened and we both have been dealing with it on our own... that is... until now. We have shared many, many things with each other that has now allowed us to go beyond a murder connection, to being really good friends.

As for my second Lifer. He's the cellmate of my first Lifer. My first Lifer told me about his cellmate only getting occassional letters from grandparents and an uncle... and he wanted to know if I knew anyone that might be interested in writing to him.

I don't have but a handful of friends and a handful of family that I talk to regularly, the rest are acquaintances... I explained that everyone I knew thought I was crazy to even be writing him... and sparked no interest in writing his cellmate. So, I sent the cellmate a birthday card, more or less to let him know he hasn't been forgotten... and off we flew!

He has such hopes and dreams... a true inspiration. He's full of love and compassion... but mostly he's just lonely... getting by one day at a time.

So, in regards to this thread... 'Loving a Lifer'... I can honestly say that I love both of my Lifers to the fullest... as they have been there for me, just as much as I have been there for them... emotionally speaking. They treat me with a great deal of respect, as do I for them. Even though I'm happily married with three kids... I do consider my Lifers to be my best friends. Don't want that to sound too harsh on my part in regards to my family, but to me... family is family... friendship is automatically included... so I don't technically consider my husband and kids to be my best friends... make any sense?

Just wanted to share my Love for my Lifers with everyone.

Thanks for listening! ~Brandy
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Last edited by Scotch77; 09-04-2008 at 10:50 AM.. Reason: rephrase and corrections
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:01 PM
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now that i have a LAPTOP, i can keep up...oh wait, ann wants to know bout the glue... LOL
-DESIRE...PASSION...our glue has many layers and chapters... betwix Elmers and Crazy Glue, neither one has the ability to keep us stuck like we automatically do to each other... loving Lamont is an honor that BOP has no choice but to recognize, simple as that. I wont, cant, shall not stop...we cant stop, we wont stop...


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I love his eyes, and how they let me know exactly what he's feeling no matter what his face is saying. When I think about our wedding day all I can visualise are his beautiful brown eyes looking into mine -- it made no difference that we were in a visiting room or that we weren't allowed to come up with our own vows; everything he was promising me was right there in his eyes.

I love the way he decides what needs to be done and just does it. He doesn't wait for somebody to see that he's doing the right thing and always seems surprised when I let him know that I've noticed. He has his own inner barometer for measuring the man he wants to be in the world, and he works as hard as he can not to allow prison to compromise that. He does it for himself, and for me and the kids, and genuinely doesn't expect any recognition from anybody.

But best of all I love who we are together. Our relationship is a lot more than the sum of each of us alone -- we make each other stronger and brighter and better. He's proven to me that when the worst happens he'll put his own feelings aside to help me through it, and when he's the one who needs help he isn't too proud to lean on me and share the burden. Where one of us is strong the other is weak and vice versa -- we balance each other perfectly. To put it simply, we just fit.

Excellent idea for a thread, Ann.
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Old 09-07-2008, 09:57 AM
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Not sure if you guys are only looking for people who are related to or romantically involved with here... but I'll post my info anyways.
We are looking for all members who support their lifers, not just the romantically involved members!
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Old 09-07-2008, 10:00 AM
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now that i have a LAPTOP, i can keep up...oh wait, ann wants to know bout the glue... LOL
-DESIRE...PASSION...our glue has many layers and chapters... betwix Elmers and Crazy Glue, neither one has the ability to keep us stuck like we automatically do to each other... loving Lamont is an honor that BOP has no choice but to recognize, simple as that. I wont, cant, shall not stop...we cant stop, we wont stop...


Lamont Lover!!! there you go again, making me smile!!!!
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Old 09-07-2008, 03:48 PM
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this is such an awesome post... brings tears to my eyes because every moment of the day it's like i met him all over again... thanks again, AnnBeloved!
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Old 09-10-2008, 10:18 PM
Tazz'Girl Tazz'Girl is offline
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Smile Our glue is a strong bond made with love...

My husband and I have been together for 9+yrs now and we have a helluva glue that keeps us together.The bond between us is so strong that NOTHING on this GOD GIVEN earth can separate us but the ALMIGHTY himself.Even in that case,when the day comes for one of us to leave this life,the other would still live on with the power and strength of our love within the heart & soul to move on in life knowing that we are still ONE .We have been through and experienced so much joy & pain together.We've been through pain that cut the heart so deep that we thought our love wasn't enough to keep us together.We've had so much joy together that NOTHING or NO ONE can ever replace or take from us.I'd be lying if I said we have a marriage made in heaven or that I have the perfect husband because I don't.In the beginning for many years,my marriage has had it's share of abuse,disrespect,lies and unfaithfulness on both our ends,(except for the unfaithfulness on my behalf.) I am so in love with my husband and always have been that there has never been any desire for another,not physically or mentally.Many have asked me when my husband was sentenced to life,why do I choose to do this with him after all he has put me through.Many have also said,"Of course he's good to her now,he's in prison for life." Not true...For years my husband was no good while in prison.He does not need me for packages,money,letters or any of that.He's got a strong bond with family and a few friends out here to do all that for him,not to mention many women that he knows from past that would happily do it for him.My husband actually goes out of his way for me,to make ends meet at home and to get me up there to see him,(9 hrs away from me,driving distance.) Botttom line....I don't have a marriage made in heaven or a perfect husband,nor am I the perfect wife,but WE have a STRONG LOVE,an UNCONDITIONAL LOVE,a PERFECT LOVE, through THICK & THIN.A marriage in which vows have been broken,but our love for one another has kept us together.Our Glue is a SOLID BOND made with STENGTH from GOD and with GOD,NOTHING can tear us apart....Through THICK & THIN,We Define "TRUE LOVE"

Last edited by Tazz'Girl; 09-10-2008 at 10:21 PM..
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Old 09-11-2008, 07:11 PM
Peach&Cream Peach&Cream is offline
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He's got the heart to the life I want to live! When I first made eye contact with him it was as though mountains were being rearranged to lead us to where we are today and where we will be together forever. He's as passionate about love, God, the ocean, nature and animals just as much as I am... we've become who we are today because of one another... only God could have blessed us with such a phenomenal bond / glue of * love *.

Last edited by Peach&Cream; 09-11-2008 at 07:13 PM..
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Old 09-13-2008, 10:44 AM
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Great thread, as always!

I'm another who is dear friends with a guy doing life... Man, we have been through SOOOOO many ups and downs, but I am happy to say my lifer and I are still great friends. We really grew apart this year but are now writing and talking again (can't visit right now 'cause I'm too far away) and I have to say, I feel so much better when we are communicating. He's my pal, my buddy, my check-in person. It just feels like too much is missing when I haven't had him to "report" on my life to, and vice-versa.

He adds so much meaning to my life, helps me figure out where I am going, and I do the same for him, because even though he is a lifer, he still has goals and dreams, classes and projects he is working on. Yes, each of us would survive without this friendship, but why ?

I've tried it both ways... and life is just better with him in it than without. So I guess that is the glue...
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Old 09-19-2008, 05:54 PM
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Man, Q... that's some gud stuff right there... thanks for sharing!


Quote:
Originally Posted by qwerty View Post
Great thread, as always!

I'm another who is dear friends with a guy doing life... Man, we have been through SOOOOO many ups and downs, but I am happy to say my lifer and I are still great friends. We really grew apart this year but are now writing and talking again (can't visit right now 'cause I'm too far away) and I have to say, I feel so much better when we are communicating. He's my pal, my buddy, my check-in person. It just feels like too much is missing when I haven't had him to "report" on my life to, and vice-versa.

He adds so much meaning to my life, helps me figure out where I am going, and I do the same for him, because even though he is a lifer, he still has goals and dreams, classes and projects he is working on. Yes, each of us would survive without this friendship, but why ?

I've tried it both ways... and life is just better with him in it than without. So I guess that is the glue...
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Old 09-20-2008, 08:34 PM
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sfh sfh is offline
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When he was 18 months old he was placed in our home because his mother neglected him and his father abandoned the whole family. He stayed there for 5 more years until we could legally adopt him. He was our only son, we had 2 daughters and that made us complete. He had some struggles with school and bullying because he was always small and he also thought he had to be tough to make up for a lot of things. He always ended up becoming friends with the worst group because he had ADDHD he was labeled in school by educators and peers. He never quite found a comfortable place in life, no real goals. But when he turned 18 and was in his last quarter of his senior year, he took off with a bunch of his so called buddies to the beach and plans for a new start and good jobs. Within a few days he was in jail and charged with capital murder, 2 years later he pled to the charges in order to escape the death penalty, he was a participator and just as guilty as the others. On that particular day in the small room off from the courtroom, we promised him that we would always be with him 100% no matter which decision he made. There was no small amount of tears and heart ache, but there was a small young man who looked us in the eyes and knew that we were his support/glue for ever and that he would never face any of this alone. I do not believe that one day has gone by that I have not talked, written, or prayed for him. I feel his smile and hugs just as if he were here in my home. He is my child always my baby boy. He has shown strength and courage and I tell him all the time how proud of him I am, he has faced up to his crime and says he deserves his punishment. I think it was way to harsh, but then I am his mother and I want him home. I still pray that some day some how God will fix it. But what else can I do, I can't do anything.
I have just found this thread today, there is so much information on this site, and I search it often to just connect with others who are walking down this road. I value your words and pray for all of us and our loved ones.
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  #25  
Old 10-07-2008, 03:05 PM
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Default Glued To Friendship And The Love For My Brother

The glue that keeps me bonded is love, respect and friendship.
My brother is my heart, and my best friend and I have a connection that
no one would ever understand, it has always been sincere and open and honest. He is a good man and any woman would be blessed to have 2 men with such a specialness about them. He will be one of those friends that will remain in my life until we close our eyes for the last time, and my brother well that will never fade.

Kimi 06
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