Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Met While Incarcerated
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #126  
Old 09-15-2020, 12:39 PM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

I miss him so much. I was the happiest these last weeks talking to him so frequently. He was talking about how he talked about me to his dad which he reconnected with recently, about getting married to me, having kids. And now nothing? It hurts. It feels like he didn’t grow as a man during those years in prison and he is back at being the kid that was doing huge mistakes again. No lessons learnt. He asked me to wait for him while he was locked up, he asked me to call off my wedding, not to have kids . It hurts when one day u find out u are the only one who Still believes in the story it took two people to create.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #127  
Old 09-15-2020, 12:57 PM
ambermarshall11 ambermarshall11 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Nys
Posts: 790
Thanks: 9
Thanked 234 Times in 170 Posts
Default

He will reach out to you im sure he will do you no for a fact that he is with his ex or what not
Reply With Quote
  #128  
Old 09-15-2020, 01:02 PM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ambermarshall11 View Post
He will reach out to you im sure he will do you no for a fact that he is with his ex or what not
He said they are working towards that direction of getting back together. If I didnít see the picture he would not say anything to me, the lack of tact hurts.
Reply With Quote
  #129  
Old 09-15-2020, 11:07 PM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
I love my Kindle
 

Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 203
Thanks: 83
Thanked 332 Times in 126 Posts
Default

I think in an MWI relationship it’s too easy to build up an idealized version in your mind of your pp and what you have together, particularly if you’ve never spent time together in person. And, if/when the relationship ends, what you’re left mourning is that idealized version, which does not necessarily resemble what your reality with him would have been, had you gotten together out here. I think, for your healing, it’s very important to keep uppermost in your mind that your relationship was lacking a crucial element ... time spent physically living together in the real world because, without that, it was a relationship between strangers, even though it didn’t feel like it. Your proof of that is what he actually did, in the real world, when he finally got released. Much can be easily hidden behind letters and phone calls, like, real life.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Anna7 For This Useful Post:
Diamond4u (09-16-2020), LifeTraveler (09-17-2020), saskatchewanian (09-16-2020)
  #130  
Old 09-15-2020, 11:15 PM
kvinna20 kvinna20 is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Oct 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 137
Thanks: 239
Thanked 81 Times in 65 Posts
Default

Of course you are grieving. You suffered a loss. I know it hurts and it feels unfair. I’m sorry it played out this way. It’s possible that you gave your love to man who needed and appreciated it and that it will not work out but that doesn’t mean you made a wrong choice. Time will heal things. Hang in there.
Reply With Quote
  #131  
Old 09-16-2020, 05:25 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

I still believe you're grieving the image you have/had of this relationship but it never became real or true. NEVER! There were just words, no actions.
To me it feels a little bit you were scammed big time. He put images in your head and "made fake plans" and you fell for it. Take responsibility and move on, you are wasting valuable life-time.
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
Diamond4u (09-16-2020), LifeTraveler (09-17-2020), sidewalker (09-16-2020), TheWrightOne (09-16-2020)
  #132  
Old 09-16-2020, 08:37 AM
Visitor611 Visitor611 is offline
Until the end
 

Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Oregon
Posts: 340
Thanks: 260
Thanked 593 Times in 235 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond4u View Post
He said they are working towards that direction of getting back together. If I didnít see the picture he would not say anything to me, the lack of tact hurts.
You dropped him once, and denied him a 2nd time. Men have pride. What man do you think would look at this situation and go, yeah, totally going to do this a 3rd time around with someone I've never met and lives a million miles away. Whether scammed or not, you made him feel unwanted. "Letters only weren't enough for me." Most of us wouldn't have even spoke to you again. You should feel pretty lucky he gave you the time after he got out. I would have told you to get bent.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Visitor611 For This Useful Post:
Diamond4u (09-16-2020)
  #133  
Old 09-16-2020, 08:46 AM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Visitor611 View Post
You dropped him once, and denied him a 2nd time. Men have pride. What man do you think would look at this situation and go, yeah, totally going to do this a 3rd time around with someone I've never met and lives a million miles away. Whether scammed or not, you made him feel unwanted. "Letters only weren't enough for me." Most of us wouldn't have even spoke to you again. You should feel pretty lucky he gave you the time after he got out. I would have told you to get bent.
Plus I want to add... how would you feel if the situation would be reversed?
If some guy would do this to me I would've kicked his ass probably after the second time at the latest... Rejection sucks and now exactly the same thing happened to you that you did to him.
It sucks, I get it but move on already!
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
LifeTraveler (09-17-2020), Visitor611 (09-16-2020)
  #134  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:25 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna7 View Post
I think in an MWI relationship itís too easy to build up an idealized version in your mind of your pp and what you have together, particularly if youíve never spent time together in person. And, if/when the relationship ends, what youíre left mourning is that idealized version, which does not necessarily resemble what your reality with him would have been, had you gotten together out here. I think, for your healing, itís very important to keep uppermost in your mind that your relationship was lacking a crucial element ... time spent physically living together in the real world because, without that, it was a relationship between strangers, even though it didnít feel like it. Your proof of that is what he actually did, in the real world, when he finally got released. Much can be easily hidden behind letters and phone calls, like, real life.
Thank you for your reply! I think now that even though I would have come visit him in prison the outcome would have been the same actually. He is lost. I think he is genuine about his attachment to me but it is just too hard to handle considering our situations.
Reply With Quote
  #135  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:27 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kvinna20 View Post
Of course you are grieving. You suffered a loss. I know it hurts and it feels unfair. Iím sorry it played out this way. Itís possible that you gave your love to man who needed and appreciated it and that it will not work out but that doesnít mean you made a wrong choice. Time will heal things. Hang in there.
Thank u so much! Your words move me! I am trying to move on. He is likely to reach to me again when he realizes it is going nowhere with his EX wife.
Reply With Quote
  #136  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:35 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kvinna20 View Post
Of course you are grieving. You suffered a loss. I know it hurts and it feels unfair. Iím sorry it played out this way. Itís possible that you gave your love to man who needed and appreciated it and that it will not work out but that doesnít mean you made a wrong choice. Time will heal things. Hang in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Visitor611 View Post
You dropped him once, and denied him a 2nd time. Men have pride. What man do you think would look at this situation and go, yeah, totally going to do this a 3rd time around with someone I've never met and lives a million miles away. Whether scammed or not, you made him feel unwanted. "Letters only weren't enough for me." Most of us wouldn't have even spoke to you again. You should feel pretty lucky he gave you the time after he got out. I would have told you to get bent.

I understand that very well. But trust me if u saw me and u saw that ex your mouth would have dropped! If it is about pride then he would have picked me hands down right away! What if it is the reverse situation there? What if I am his fantasy? He said it he told me Iím too gorgeous for him. He doesnít know what to do with me. Plus he is one of the jealous type and he said he would have to get into it all the time with me around. With his ex he doesnít have to worry abt all those things. I didnít make him feel unwanted. I didnít get married to him and divorced him later. All I did was to show him how much I care. He just picked the easiest option, doesnít mean it is the happiest ending for him neither. He just gave up cause he didnít see any possibility for us to be together anymore. I understand that. He was scared cause he canít offer me much. He was making himself feel unwanted. All I was doing is telling him I donít need money, It is ok . He freaked out! It is hard to get out of prison and feel the most confident ever. But I will not let u say it is my fault.
Reply With Quote
  #137  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:38 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
I still believe you're grieving the image you have/had of this relationship but it never became real or true. NEVER! There were just words, no actions.
To me it feels a little bit you were scammed big time. He put images in your head and "made fake plans" and you fell for it. Take responsibility and move on, you are wasting valuable life-time.
Thank u for your reply. I donít think he was scamming me or lacking of authenticity whatsoever. I just think he is lost and immature and thatís ok. Men from the outside are too *sight*. I am gonna try to move on like u said previously too. Thank u.
Reply With Quote
  #138  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:41 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Plus I want to add... how would you feel if the situation would be reversed?
If some guy would do this to me I would've kicked his ass probably after the second time at the latest... Rejection sucks and now exactly the same thing happened to you that you did to him.
It sucks, I get it but move on already!
He did what I did to him in a way. Except that I asked for his forgiveness right away after my mistake last time. I was getting married here. He asked me to call it off. He asked me not to have kids with my fiancť. He wants kids with me. Now what? He is back with his ex that canít have kids. The guy is so lost. Iím kinda disappointed he is not the man I pictured from the letters but still a kid. He is jumping from a very canalized environment to a free context. He is adjusting to it lacking of cautiousness I guess. The guy spent 5 years in his last sentence.
Reply With Quote
  #139  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:43 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

A big THANK YOU to everyone, all of u guys that reacted to my story and try to educate me on what was going on. I appreciate it and hear each of you!
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Diamond4u For This Useful Post:
LifeTraveler (09-17-2020)
  #140  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:46 AM
maytayah's Avatar
maytayah maytayah is offline
Lil British Site Moderator
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: England Uk
Posts: 9,527
Thanks: 9,578
Thanked 12,183 Times in 5,096 Posts
Default

Whatever he is doing love he is doing it without you. Please dont put your life on hold on the off chance that he might come back. Who knows he might ,but he also might not. Make sure you move on and start living the life you want.
Its hard I get that but one day at a time is the way forward.
__________________
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to maytayah For This Useful Post:
Diamond4u (09-16-2020)
  #141  
Old 09-16-2020, 11:51 AM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
Whatever he is doing love he is doing it without you. Please dont put your life on hold on the off chance that he might come back. Who knows he might ,but he also might not. Make sure you move on and start living the life you want.
Its hard I get that but one day at a time is the way forward.
Thank u so much sweetie. You are very kind. I am trying. I am not gonna lie it is hard and I miss him. But Iím trying ...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Diamond4u For This Useful Post:
maytayah (09-16-2020)
  #142  
Old 09-16-2020, 12:08 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond4u View Post
He did what I did to him in a way. Except that I asked for his forgiveness right away after my mistake last time. I was getting married here. He asked me to call it off. He asked me not to have kids with my fiancť. He wants kids with me. Now what? He is back with his ex that canít have kids. The guy is so lost. Iím kinda disappointed he is not the man I pictured from the letters but still a kid. He is jumping from a very canalized environment to a free context. He is adjusting to it lacking of cautiousness I guess. The guy spent 5 years in his last sentence.
I understand your disappointment, the entire situation is really screwed up - I don't know how to better describe it.
But first and foremost you have to put yourself first and try to forget about him and whatever picture you had of you 2 and of him. He's not the one you imagined. You'll get over it.
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
maytayah (09-16-2020)
  #143  
Old 09-16-2020, 04:10 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

I will tell you my story... just to maybe put you at ease a little bit because grieving the "could've beens" is hard but it's just as hard when you've met your man and I'm grieving the could've beens as well right now...
I "met" him as a pen-pal in Jan. 2015. My father had just died and it was hard for me, didn't know where to put all my emotions and I found this ad for "Write a Prisoner" online while googling something totally different and I got curious and wrote.
He wrote back and we got along really well from the start. The letters were amazing, his story was both disturbing (he murdered an 89 year old lady with a hammer while on booze and drugs while burglarizing her trailer to find money for drugs) and was arrested a day later. He's been in prison since the day after Halloween 1993. He was 19 years old.
He comes from a "well to do" family who's also well know in their community. After private high school he just wasn't up for anything else but drugs and parties and hanging with a bad crowd. He was and is an entitled ass (to make a long story short).
He was sentencend to 2 consecutive life sentences under the Fair Sentencing Act (or whatever it's called) and he's been in for almost 28 years (Halloween). He's in Minimum I and his chances of coming home are there and should be within a few years.
We fell in love over the course of the first year and it was awesome. I've visited him about a year in and I've visited him maybe 4-6 times so far.
I was living in Germany at the time so I've always combined it with some vacation in the Caribbean. I've paid for calls and sent him books and for his birthday and for Christmas I put extra money on his book.
During his stint in prison he got his PhD and wrote a book and is working on his second book. So he caught up somehow. He's too smart for his own good because it makes him entitled and conceited which is not good for prison. He's also a good looking guy with the matching body...
About 2 years ago he snitched on some bad people in one of his old facilities. He went to seg and was transferred out. Why he did that I still don't know. The new facility knew about 10 min after he got there what he did and they put out a hit on him.
I don't want to question his motives but from the day he transferred he stopped feeling anything. He probably guarded himself and speaking on the phone about the incident was not possible either of course.
He just totally shut down emotionally. I have not heard an "I love you" since September 2018. I thought I'll stick this one out and at one point he was transferred to a Minimum facility and I was actually hoping for changes in him - towards me.
My life changed as well and I got a great job offer and while in Miami to discuss and make plans with my new boss I've visited him again, that was last November.
I was on the plane back to Miami from North Carolina and then on my way back to Germany and I just knew it's over and that I cannot deal with this cold, entitled, self-absorbed guy. I know he loves me but that just wasn't enough anymore...
Anywho... I got caught up in wrapping up my life in Germany and on Dec. 30st the moves came and packed all my belongings into a container. On Jan. 1 I flew to Panama to start a new life.
Once I came down from my "moving high" and in the middle of a very strict lockdown here in Panama which we are only slowly coming out of I realized that he's just not here for me. He does not give me any "nourishment" and I feel like I'm the bottom of his "priority barrel". I needed him to at least support me emotionally and show some sort of "I care". I am in a new country where I don't speak the language and hardly know anyone. I've only been here 2 months when the lockdown started. I almost lost it... I had a really hard time. One time I cried for the entire 15 min call... he didn't say a thing and now looking back, he was totally overwhelmed and didnt' showed me he cared much. That was hurtful. His entire demeanor hurt me tremendously.
He wants to transfer to another facility and reach Minimum II. I get that. Chances are good but they have not done his "risk assessmet". So nothing is happening right now and all he can think about and care about is getting this transfer and coming home.
I get that and I want that for him but he completely forgot about me.

There was a time when I and we had talks and thoughts about a time beyond prison. That is gone, those talks stopped after he was transferred out after snitching. I don't want to wait around anymore for something to happen or not happen. I'm 55 years old and I want to enjoy my life.
I've told him numerous times in calls and letters how I feel and what I miss and what I'm sad about, I was not recognized. There's just no room in his life for me right now. Maybe for someone else who doesn't care or who's closer and younger... who knows..

Why am I writing this down?
It feels liberating and I want to share my experience with you. I love my guy, I find him sexy and desirable. He's smart and still could have a great and successful future ahead of him (he's only 47).
But I need to take care of myself first.
The "could've beens" will remain "could've beens". I am cherishing the great times we had and I still love him.
But it's also kind of a survival mode I'm in. He stopped calling me right after I told him I cannot do this anymore. No more calls. No letters, no nothing. It has been 6 weeks today.
You have got to move on and be realistic about it all. You have never met him and of course you now think about the "should've done that" stuff...
Things happen for a reason.
I'm here in Panama totally alone, my friends and family are all in Germany/Europe.
That is extremely hard so even more I've needed him and he let me down.
There comes a point in ones life when you have to cut the cord and move on.
I'm at that point and I feel sad and relieved at the same time. I miss him.
BUT... I will not put myself through that one more day. I'm worth much more.
And so are you. Don't wait around for him, don't feel bad for him, he's an adult and needs to face all consequences (good and bad).

Thank you for letting me write this down and I hope you'll move on real soon, you deserve it. There's a reason why you've never met and the way things are now.
Just like for me. You cannot and should not force love.
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
408MoonGem (09-17-2020), Cutepixie (09-20-2020), Jacob's Girl (09-17-2020), maytayah (09-16-2020), saskatchewanian (09-17-2020), Taliba00 (09-21-2020), TheWrightOne (09-16-2020), Visitor611 (09-16-2020), WeepingWillow (09-16-2020)
  #144  
Old 09-16-2020, 04:37 PM
maytayah's Avatar
maytayah maytayah is offline
Lil British Site Moderator
 

Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: England Uk
Posts: 9,527
Thanks: 9,578
Thanked 12,183 Times in 5,096 Posts
Default

Thank you for telling us your story Mizzy, you are such a strong lady. I got tears in my eyes and I am sending hugs from the UK. You will be fine and well done for looking after yourself in a way some women never do.
__________________
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

Who cares what they say about us? Because when I am with you I am standing with an army.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to maytayah For This Useful Post:
Cutepixie (09-20-2020), MizzyMuffling (09-16-2020), Taliba00 (09-21-2020)
  #145  
Old 09-16-2020, 04:58 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
Thank you for telling us your story Mizzy, you are such a strong lady. I got tears in my eyes and I am sending hugs from the UK. You will be fine and well done for looking after yourself in a way some women never do.

__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
  #146  
Old 09-21-2020, 12:50 PM
Diamond4u Diamond4u is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: N/A
Posts: 74
Thanks: 39
Thanked 18 Times in 17 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
I will tell you my story... just to maybe put you at ease a little bit because grieving the "could've beens" is hard but it's just as hard when you've met your man and I'm grieving the could've beens as well right now...
I "met" him as a pen-pal in Jan. 2015. My father had just died and it was hard for me, didn't know where to put all my emotions and I found this ad for "Write a Prisoner" online while googling something totally different and I got curious and wrote.
He wrote back and we got along really well from the start. The letters were amazing, his story was both disturbing (he murdered an 89 year old lady with a hammer while on booze and drugs while burglarizing her trailer to find money for drugs) and was arrested a day later. He's been in prison since the day after Halloween 1993. He was 19 years old.
He comes from a "well to do" family who's also well know in their community. After private high school he just wasn't up for anything else but drugs and parties and hanging with a bad crowd. He was and is an entitled ass (to make a long story short).
He was sentencend to 2 consecutive life sentences under the Fair Sentencing Act (or whatever it's called) and he's been in for almost 28 years (Halloween). He's in Minimum I and his chances of coming home are there and should be within a few years.
We fell in love over the course of the first year and it was awesome. I've visited him about a year in and I've visited him maybe 4-6 times so far.
I was living in Germany at the time so I've always combined it with some vacation in the Caribbean. I've paid for calls and sent him books and for his birthday and for Christmas I put extra money on his book.
During his stint in prison he got his PhD and wrote a book and is working on his second book. So he caught up somehow. He's too smart for his own good because it makes him entitled and conceited which is not good for prison. He's also a good looking guy with the matching body...
About 2 years ago he snitched on some bad people in one of his old facilities. He went to seg and was transferred out. Why he did that I still don't know. The new facility knew about 10 min after he got there what he did and they put out a hit on him.
I don't want to question his motives but from the day he transferred he stopped feeling anything. He probably guarded himself and speaking on the phone about the incident was not possible either of course.
He just totally shut down emotionally. I have not heard an "I love you" since September 2018. I thought I'll stick this one out and at one point he was transferred to a Minimum facility and I was actually hoping for changes in him - towards me.
My life changed as well and I got a great job offer and while in Miami to discuss and make plans with my new boss I've visited him again, that was last November.
I was on the plane back to Miami from North Carolina and then on my way back to Germany and I just knew it's over and that I cannot deal with this cold, entitled, self-absorbed guy. I know he loves me but that just wasn't enough anymore...
Anywho... I got caught up in wrapping up my life in Germany and on Dec. 30st the moves came and packed all my belongings into a container. On Jan. 1 I flew to Panama to start a new life.
Once I came down from my "moving high" and in the middle of a very strict lockdown here in Panama which we are only slowly coming out of I realized that he's just not here for me. He does not give me any "nourishment" and I feel like I'm the bottom of his "priority barrel". I needed him to at least support me emotionally and show some sort of "I care". I am in a new country where I don't speak the language and hardly know anyone. I've only been here 2 months when the lockdown started. I almost lost it... I had a really hard time. One time I cried for the entire 15 min call... he didn't say a thing and now looking back, he was totally overwhelmed and didnt' showed me he cared much. That was hurtful. His entire demeanor hurt me tremendously.
He wants to transfer to another facility and reach Minimum II. I get that. Chances are good but they have not done his "risk assessmet". So nothing is happening right now and all he can think about and care about is getting this transfer and coming home.
I get that and I want that for him but he completely forgot about me.

There was a time when I and we had talks and thoughts about a time beyond prison. That is gone, those talks stopped after he was transferred out after snitching. I don't want to wait around anymore for something to happen or not happen. I'm 55 years old and I want to enjoy my life.
I've told him numerous times in calls and letters how I feel and what I miss and what I'm sad about, I was not recognized. There's just no room in his life for me right now. Maybe for someone else who doesn't care or who's closer and younger... who knows..

Why am I writing this down?
It feels liberating and I want to share my experience with you. I love my guy, I find him sexy and desirable. He's smart and still could have a great and successful future ahead of him (he's only 47).
But I need to take care of myself first.
The "could've beens" will remain "could've beens". I am cherishing the great times we had and I still love him.
But it's also kind of a survival mode I'm in. He stopped calling me right after I told him I cannot do this anymore. No more calls. No letters, no nothing. It has been 6 weeks today.
You have got to move on and be realistic about it all. You have never met him and of course you now think about the "should've done that" stuff...
Things happen for a reason.
I'm here in Panama totally alone, my friends and family are all in Germany/Europe.
That is extremely hard so even more I've needed him and he let me down.
There comes a point in ones life when you have to cut the cord and move on.
I'm at that point and I feel sad and relieved at the same time. I miss him.
BUT... I will not put myself through that one more day. I'm worth much more.
And so are you. Don't wait around for him, don't feel bad for him, he's an adult and needs to face all consequences (good and bad).

Thank you for letting me write this down and I hope you'll move on real soon, you deserve it. There's a reason why you've never met and the way things are now.
Just like for me. You cannot and should not force love.

Hi Mitzi
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry he broke your heart. I am from Europe too, from France. It feels like he felt abandoned by you somehow too from what you are saying. Maybe he got through a traumatic experience, probably while in his gang that got him transferred and thought that it was useless to talk about it cause he thought u could not understand, which it is not necessarily true. One thing I know is that they want to be those fantasy men, all sexy and strong, for sure and they never want to show us their deep vulnerability. Maybe the fact he became distant was precisely out of pride cause out of love. He was not ready to talk about it cause maybe was feeling shameful. Who knows. I think that it hurt him u moved to Panama. Iím sorry u feel lonely there. Are u gonna stay even after the restrictions get smoothed up ? Sometimes there is love but there is a lack of communication and it ruins everything. My pp is looking at every pic, every story that I upload on social media like he is the first one to react all the time. Sounds contradictory with a behavior from someone that moved one right? But u know what? I am! I think our communication was real always but it just too overwhelming for them to deal properly with everything at the same time and I totally understand that.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Diamond4u For This Useful Post:
MizzyMuffling (09-21-2020)
  #147  
Old 09-21-2020, 02:08 PM
Taliba00's Avatar
Taliba00 Taliba00 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 220
Thanks: 832
Thanked 333 Times in 144 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MizzyMuffling View Post
Aww, Mizzy, want to come live with me so we can be best friends and have support? Thank you for sharing your story so bravely and openly.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Taliba00 For This Useful Post:
MizzyMuffling (09-21-2020)
  #148  
Old 09-21-2020, 03:04 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taliba00 View Post
Aww, Mizzy, want to come live with me so we can be best friends and have support? Thank you for sharing your story so bravely and openly.


you can come to Panama... nice weather here...
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
  #149  
Old 09-21-2020, 03:06 PM
MizzyMuffling's Avatar
MizzyMuffling MizzyMuffling is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Panama City, Panama
Posts: 4,643
Thanks: 4,775
Thanked 5,603 Times in 2,279 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Diamond4u View Post
Hi Mitzi
Thank you for sharing. I am sorry he broke your heart. I am from Europe too, from France. It feels like he felt abandoned by you somehow too from what you are saying. Maybe he got through a traumatic experience, probably while in his gang that got him transferred and thought that it was useless to talk about it cause he thought u could not understand, which it is not necessarily true. One thing I know is that they want to be those fantasy men, all sexy and strong, for sure and they never want to show us their deep vulnerability. Maybe the fact he became distant was precisely out of pride cause out of love. He was not ready to talk about it cause maybe was feeling shameful. Who knows. I think that it hurt him u moved to Panama. Iím sorry u feel lonely there. Are u gonna stay even after the restrictions get smoothed up ? Sometimes there is love but there is a lack of communication and it ruins everything. My pp is looking at every pic, every story that I upload on social media like he is the first one to react all the time. Sounds contradictory with a behavior from someone that moved one right? But u know what? I am! I think our communication was real always but it just too overwhelming for them to deal properly with everything at the same time and I totally understand that.
Thank you.
My guy has his eyes on the price which is finally coming home or at least being tranferred out to Minimum II and then work release or whatever comes after that... whatever makes him come home.
He is behaving well and whatever made him do this 2 years ago he has to take responsibility.
But I got lost along the way and I've done enough and waited long enough. Might be different if I'd be in my 30s maybe but I'm not.
It's not easy but it's also not as hard as I thought it would be. I have a life to live.
__________________
Follow your heart but take your brain with you...
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MizzyMuffling For This Useful Post:
LifeTraveler (09-22-2020), saskatchewanian (09-22-2020)
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do you think prison helps or hurts an inmate? tchavon1984 General Prison Talk 69 12-23-2017 12:32 AM
Cutting prison programs hurts us all Morris1 California Prison & Criminal Justice News & Events + 3 Strikes 1 02-23-2010 12:00 PM
Approach to prison sentences hurts state HOPE4FUTURE Michigan Prison and Legal News & Events 7 06-12-2009 02:56 PM
The day after is always the hardest...My hurts simply hurts MsMarie GPT Phones, Mail, and Visitation Discussions 9 12-23-2008 03:47 PM
Long prison sentence hurts blacks, she says northstar Prison Legislation & Laws 7 02-03-2008 12:24 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:00 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2019 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics