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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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Old 06-03-2019, 11:32 PM
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Default 10 days home

Friday, right before the holiday weekend started, we picked him up in the parking lot. We had been there about 2 hours and decided to leave to use the rest room at the gas station up the street. Of course, as soon as we got there my cell phone rang with the CO stating they were in the parking lot but couldn't find us. We did our business and drove back. Immediately, he stripped off the prison blue t-shirt and badly made jeans (all too large for him) and put on the cargo shorts and short-sleeved Henley shirt I had bought. It was so good to see him in something other than orange.

We made him sit in the back seat so he could entertain his 3-year old niece who had been talking up a storm. (he is really good with little kids). She had been telling everyone on her trip to AZ from WI, that she going to rescue her uncle out of the "gulag". He brought each of us a jewelry box made by inmates from paper rolled up and painted. They are really pretty, each done in our respective favorite colors.

His parole officer had decided to wait until the Tuesday after the holiday weekend for the first meeting, so we had a relaxing weekend with mom, son, daughter, and niece. His sister took him over to visit his 103 year old grandmother and dad (the alcoholic). She took him shopping for clothes and hygiene products. I played with my granddaughter. She gifted him a 6 month membership at a local gym. She helped him do his federal form for financial aid for college, which got in just under the deadline, so he is approved for financial aid for college. The parole officer is all in favor of him being in school over him having a job.

I took him to DES to finalize his application for benefits, so he is on the state health insurance and approved for SNAP. His application for a free smart phone (350 minutes and 2 gb of data per month) was approved but says 7 to 10 business days to be processed (Safe Link/Lifeline government program). Not having his own phone is probably the most frustrating thing for me. This week we are working on him getting a drivers license (my mechanic is going to take him on some back roads to practice and is lending me an automatic to drive for the test).

We jumped through all the first hoops set forth by parole - getting proof that his fines in both states are paid in full; signing up the job website; filling out his resume; having a mental health evaluation. All reasonable stuff and none of it over taxing our resources. This first visit was the parole officer I had met with, but she is moving up the ladder and he will be reporting to another woman, who was a CO for 25 years and had passed on the message that she was very impressed that he did not get a single ticket in 7 years. He signed the lease I had drawn up, which the parole office was happy to see and which helped his application process for state benefits.

The computer I had put a new hard drive in and had set up for him, in the first week mom tripped, dropped it and broke it. I felt so guilty I took him to buy a new one, based on my computer guy's recommendations of what to get. Staples had the wrong card description on their display, so they gave me a solid state drive one with less hard drive storage for the same price as the one I had set out to buy, along with discounting the 2 year service/replacement in case mom drops it service plan for 30% off. He is paying for the computer guy to transfer programs and data from the old one and set up the drivers and such. He has spent a lot of time on the internet - not only email and facebook but all the applications for benefits and school, along with studying the drivers manual and such.

He told me I didn't need to feel guilty and that I didn't owe him anything (referring to the computer) but that he was grateful for me having gotten him one.

For now, I am just letting him be. Take him where he needs to go. Answering questions. Some suggestions as things come up. It is difficult figuring out what he knows and what may be gaps from 7 year hiatus and what he may never have learned due to his prior lifestyle. For instance, he did not know what it meant when the ATM gave him available balance vs. current balance. I extended the explanation so that he would understand that what the bank says he has doesn't take into account things he just used his debit card for and that it could take 3 to 5 days for some of those things to actually be deducted so he needed to keep track himself so as to not overdraw his account.

We haven't really "talked". It was actually easier for me to talk to him when he was in prison. He hasn't sought me out to talk to either. For now, I figure let him get things processed and things in order like phones, drivers license, college registration, and then maybe things will settle down. My thought is that he needs time to adjust to freedom and he needs to get things established that show/provide proof of his independence.

Interestingly, as soon as he got home, he went through all the boxes, sorting out what he wanted to keep. He slept on the futon in the TV room and let his sister and niece keep the bedroom while they were here. As soon as they left, he proceeded to clean everything in his room and bathroom, including washing the walls. (Sadly, that didn't extend to the rest of the house - a mom can hope someone would wash the walls.) Another mom, whose son is up for a 2nd time, said her son did the clean everything too when he first got out.

So that is our first 10 days. If anyone has any specific suggestions as to what I should or shouldn't be doing, or what things he most likely doesn't know that I should make sure I tell him - please jump in with both feet (or both hands being it's typing on a computer or phone).
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Old 06-04-2019, 04:54 AM
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it all sounds fantastic to me! congrats!
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Old 06-04-2019, 04:57 AM
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Congrats! I have followed your son and your story for years. It sounds like you all have a solid plan. Best wishes.

My son gets out in 20 months.
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:48 AM
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Congratulations ! It sounds like you are all doing well processing the huge change that is occurring.
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Old 06-04-2019, 08:25 AM
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Sounds like a good start!!


ON the talking thing. It seems to me that boys in particular are difficult to get to open up. I found what sometimes worked for me was to get them in the car with you and drive. Maybe take him with you and he someplace he may like......since the weather is better now.....plan a day to maybe go to a lake or stream. Pack a lunch.
Just throwing that out there.


Congrats to mom and son (omg I cracked up on the gulag thing........too funny!!)
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Old 06-04-2019, 09:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lizlizzie2 View Post
So that is our first 10 days. If anyone has any specific suggestions as to what I should or shouldn't be doing, or what things he most likely doesn't know that I should make sure I tell him - please jump in with both feet (or both hands being it's typing on a computer or phone).

Congratulations on your son's homecoming. It sounds to me like you are already doing the best things that you can to support him. All I would say is let him be your guide. He is still processing being out, and probably will be for some time. I wouldn't press. "Talking" will come.

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Old 06-04-2019, 10:39 AM
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So happy to see this! It sounds like a good start and I commend you on your patience and ability to let him set the pace.
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Old 06-04-2019, 12:01 PM
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Congrats so pleased for you all
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Old 06-04-2019, 12:18 PM
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So happy to hear your son is home and doing well.
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Old 06-04-2019, 12:23 PM
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I'm impressed with all the family & community support, so many returning inmates don't have that kind of support. You (or someone) has done an excellent job of prioritizing his immediate needs: Health insurance, SNAP, financial aid for college, cell phone, automatic transmission for taking Driver's Test.....and kudos to you for thinking of getting a lease agreement. I would have (didn't) never think of doing that and I can see where it would be helpful in so many ways.

Congratulations on his Homecoming!! I agree with sidewalker about going somewhere just the 2 of you....just the ride there may get him to open up somewhat. It always worked with my daughter
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  #11  
Old 06-10-2019, 09:24 AM
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Default 7 years in prison does not equal residency

We ran into a problem with the community college. Being in prison in AZ for almost 7 years doesn't make you a resident. We have to find proof prior to and since that total 12 months in AZ to prove he is a resident. So he spent a a day going through stuff and finding his voters registration from 2009 and various types of mail. I told him to tell them the truth when they first said they wanted proof of his residency thinking that the DOC record would show he had been here. So I screwed that up. If he hadn't taken my advice then he could have just given them a year's worth of his local bank account because I kept that open for him throughout his incarceration. He doesn't blame me, he just asked that I not say anything to anyone next time as they probably think it's weird for a mom to say something on behalf of 29 year old man. I won't try to help again. In truth I hadn't planned to. I walked up to the counter to tell him I was going to find a bathroom, but then stuck my 2 cents in.

I have gotten used to stating the truth about where my son was. I have found that so many have family and friends who are incarcerated. But, he is not comfortable at all with telling people. His comment was he almost made it a whole day without having to say he had been in prison. Maybe I am wrong, but I think honesty is the best policy on the situation and in situations like the college might actually help, such as there being possible grants for those who have been incarcerated. He won't even search on line for possible aid or grants for those who have been incarcerated.
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Old 06-10-2019, 09:34 AM
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Default Why I had him sign a lease

I did ask my son to sign a lease agreement for use of his portion of the house. In lieu of rent, he has to clean and do house maintenance type stuff but the amount and rate of pay is spelled out specifically. Cash for his share of the utilities, also with specified dollar amounts. I was very specific as to he has to feed himself. Since he is living with mom, if mom is feeding him then he can't qualify for SNAP. With the dollar values spelled out in the lease for rent and utilities, DES used it in calculating those expenses that are allowed in determining his income. When he gets a job, those allowed deductions in AZ are important to keep him qualified for Arizona's form of medicaid. (Allowable deductions will vary from state to state.)

Doing a lease has come in handy as everyone from DES to DMV to the community college accept it as a proof of his residency and address. The DOC had him apply for State ID, which they gave him upon his release, but all of those places require more than one proof of residency. The parole officer liked it because it clearly spelled out his responsibilities and the house rules.

As a sample for those who might be interested in doing one, I have attached it to this post (assuming it works and is allowed), without the identifying info.
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Old 06-10-2019, 09:38 AM
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Default His first grocery shopping this weekend

He received his SNAP card last week and wanted to go grocery shopping. I downloaded the Safeway app and signed him up by his phone no. (which he hasn't memorized yet). Then I told him I was not cooking every day, that we would each plan two meals and buy the ingredients (with me teaching him how to cook stuff) and the other days of the week would be each on our own or leftovers. He could only think of one meal - a chicken and rice bowl. Aside from wanting chicken, he couldn't think of anything he wanted; it's like he has forgotten what real meals are. We decided on things to take turns buying (like milk). Then I had him make a list of things he wanted and go through the Safeway app and add items.

In the grocery store, I showed him how to figure which items were least expensive; that sometimes it is better to pay more (like lunchmeat); explained the multiple choices of types of onions; pointed out that apples are not in season and therefore twice the price of peaches and nectarines; beware prices of per item vs. per pound; tomatoes for cooking vs for sandwiches; cost of frozen, canned, fresh vs. nutrition in his quest to adding veggies to his planned chicken rice bowl meal; how to add coupons on his phone that are only showing up in the store on the signs.

Basically, you can't eat healthy on just SNAP. Of course, I won't let him starve or even be hungry. But he needed to realize how much food costs. Yes, the same ramen that cost $.64 in the prison is 4 for $1 in the grocery store, but he knows that is not going make him healthy.

4 hours from starting out at the kitchen table planning to putting groceries away. At that point he was so exhausted he just heated up leftovers and laid down. Truthfully, these are the basics of existence he needs to learn, but it's not easy. They are lessons my daughter learned living at home followed by supporting herself when she left home. Unfortunately, my son was too out of it and too involved in the world of drugs and his addiction to have learned it when he was 16 to 21.

Next, to teach him how to cook with real ingredients at hand vs. the prison form of cooking.
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Old 06-10-2019, 04:48 PM
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Default Thanks so much.

It is really good to hear from you. I know itís early, but it sounds like you have a good system down, and having those rules in place will hopefully really help both of you. Youíre talking about so many things that didnít even occur to me that weíll need to think about.

Thank you so much for the update. I know you probably donít want to get your hopes up since itís so early, but hearing from you is helping me to start visualizing the future, so thanks for sharing.

The cleaning thing is interesting. Do you have any idea why people do that? Hopefully heíll continue to clean and possibly even clean more of the house!

Iím sending all kinds of love and prayers your way! Youíre doing a great job, Mama! Baby steps. Iím glad heís grateful for the computer. Soon everythingís really going to be up to him.
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Old 07-06-2019, 05:09 AM
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Default 6 weeks

We finally got his driver's license situation straightened out in WI, which allowed him to then apply for an AZ license. Finally this past Monday - an Arizona DL!

I found a used car through a friend for a good price and got it registered and insured. He is very happy to finally have some independence and not need mom to drive him everywhere. Now, he needs to find that job to start paying his debt to mom. He took the car to a guy who cleans them and they worked on it together for a reduced price. It's 10 years old with 174k miles on it. We did have to get tires for it, so I made him do the research on line, then go to a tire place that had some sales/specials on line to get prices. Told him what questions to ask. I knew they would be too expensive still, but he needed the experience. Then when he went to the 2nd place he had the ability to compare prices, road hazzard insurance, warranties, and brands. He called me before he finalized the deal to confirm. So he did well. But the night before, doing the research and putting the questions together was taxing for him.

He got all his financial aid packet in order and received a Pell Grant. He met with the community college counselor, took a math placement test, and decided he is going to complete his AA in applied sciences headed towards a 4 year degree in counseling. His goal is to work with drug and alcohol addiction as a counselor. Despite all the credits he earned, they don't all apply to getting his degree, so he probably has 3 full time semesters ahead of him to complete the requirements in what he wants to do.

He stuck with everything, from figuring out how to make WI happy to school to tires. We did our 2nd shopping trip, this time with him responsible completely for feeding himself on what he could buy. He did ok.

He is still struggling on how to use his phone - things like setting up his calendar.

He was transferred to a different parole officer. The nice one got promoted. This one is more of a stickler about checking off the boxes. He has to check an app each weekday to see if he is required to do a drug test. Unfortunately, when it comes up yes, there is no place in our county that does them and we have to travel to Tucson which is 2 hours each way. He definitely wants me to go with him the first time so he can find his way to the right place.He did manage to follow my directions on how to get to the car shop and the college without mishap. I have driven him to both several times, but I don't always go the same way as their are several routes to each and the time of day (traffic) determines my route. Or boredom determines my route.

He is set up with his first doctor's appointment next week.

2 counseling sessions and weekly phone calls so far. Since the counselor reports to parole, he doesn't want to give any info he doesn't have to. I understand that but sadly it defeats getting real help/counseling.

Now that he has his fall schedule for classes, he needs to buckle down on the whole job thing. This week my daughter and granddaughter come for their summer visit, so not sure if he will be very active in looking for work while they are here.

He is off to a good start:
SNAP
Health Insurance (AZ form of Medicaid)
Car
DL
Safelink Phone
Pell Grant
College
Cleaned up the back yard
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Old 07-06-2019, 07:59 AM
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Good to see alks still going great for you all nice to see such a positive update. Congrats
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Old 07-06-2019, 08:47 AM
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Good to see things are going well for you.
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Old 07-06-2019, 11:24 AM
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Glad things are going super well for you. Praying that things continue to go very well for you and your son. Thanks, for the update and congrats.
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Old 07-06-2019, 11:53 AM
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He has to check an app each weekday to see if he is required to do a drug test. Unfortunately, when it comes up yes, there is no place in our county that does them and we have to travel to Tucson which is 2 hours each way.
What in the &%#@??!!! That is beyond unreasonable. I know there's not much to be done about it, but seriously? It's a UA. If you can buy them at Walgreen's, it seems like the PO could find a location to run one. Wow.

That aside, everything sounds like it's going well! I think my husband is worried about the phone thing. I know he'll want a high-end phone, but I'm starting him with the most stripped-down smart phone on the market so he can learn like we all did after the death of the flip phone. Lol I'm also a tiny bit concerned he'll lose it almost immediately.

I'm happy for the both of you and look forward to more updates.
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