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Now That Your Loved One Is Home... Please share stories about your loved one now they are home.

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  #1  
Old 09-02-2019, 10:00 AM
DailyLimitReach DailyLimitReach is offline
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Default He's back home almost 2 weeks! - Having a tough time.

Well he's been home now about 13 days and It hasn't been easy for him. I just try to be very supportive in this time while he figures things out.

He got home on Tuesday evening (the 20th) and he called me as soon as he had service on a cell phone. His mom made his favorite dinner for him. Overall it was a good first day. Day 2 he had to take care of some things (get his ID, driving permit, and debit cards back from the holding facility he was in).

Outside of that he's been spending a lot of time either at home or with me at my place. He has a hard time going outside and is feeling very hopeless, maybe even depressed. His 30th birthday was yesterday and he told me he has a difficult time seeing past today, seeing the next step in his life. I want to badly to help him but I don't know how. Any advise or resources I would be very grateful for them. I want the best for him and I don't want this time to be a step backward for him.
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Old 09-02-2019, 11:01 AM
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1. Don't do anything for 2 weeks....get acclimated
2. Get your i.d. squared away....drivers license, social security card etc
3. Get a job that is simple and fun. No back breaking stuff, no it's gotta pay this much or I won't do it, keep it simple for a year. The hard part is over. You're out. It'll take awhile to get your oars back in the water.
4. Go to A.A. or church orN.A. or something that gives you the opportunity to rub elbows with other people in an effort THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY. Find a way to give back because that's what will help you the most....giving back.
5. DON'T ISOLATE
6. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME.
7. PRISON IS AN UGLY PLACE. THE FREE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.....LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN WHAT'S AROUND YOU NOW BECAUSE IT'S THERE.
8. BE TRANSPARENT....BE REAL.....BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
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Old 09-02-2019, 11:59 AM
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Well he's been home now about 13 days and It hasn't been easy for him. I just try to be very supportive in this time while he figures things out.

He got home on Tuesday evening (the 20th) and he called me as soon as he had service on a cell phone. His mom made his favorite dinner for him. Overall it was a good first day. Day 2 he had to take care of some things (get his ID, driving permit, and debit cards back from the holding facility he was in).

Outside of that he's been spending a lot of time either at home or with me at my place. He has a hard time going outside and is feeling very hopeless, maybe even depressed. His 30th birthday was yesterday and he told me he has a difficult time seeing past today, seeing the next step in his life. I want to badly to help him but I don't know how. Any advise or resources I would be very grateful for them. I want the best for him and I don't want this time to be a step backward for him.
Just curious, how long was he incarcerated?
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Old 09-02-2019, 12:42 PM
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Just curious, how long was he incarcerated?
This was his second time and he was in fora parole violation. Luckily he got sentenced to a 90 day drug program instead of having to finish out his year. his original bid was 7 years. He said last night after his first bid he didn't know what to expect after getting out so he was more optimistic. this time he knows exactly whats out here (low job prospects, uncertainty, etc.) and that's what has him feeling this way. I met him after he was home for a year and have known him almost 2 years now.
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Old 09-02-2019, 12:44 PM
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1. Don't do anything for 2 weeks....get acclimated
2. Get your i.d. squared away....drivers license, social security card etc
3. Get a job that is simple and fun. No back breaking stuff, no it's gotta pay this much or I won't do it, keep it simple for a year. The hard part is over. You're out. It'll take awhile to get your oars back in the water.
4. Go to A.A. or church orN.A. or something that gives you the opportunity to rub elbows with other people in an effort THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MONEY. Find a way to give back because that's what will help you the most....giving back.
5. DON'T ISOLATE
6. DON'T TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME.
7. PRISON IS AN UGLY PLACE. THE FREE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.....LOOK FOR THE BEAUTY IN WHAT'S AROUND YOU NOW BECAUSE IT'S THERE.
8. BE TRANSPARENT....BE REAL.....BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
Thank you so much for this. He's already on track with getting his ID's etc. He wants direction and discipline but doesn't know how to get there.

One of the many reasons prison is bullshit. They put people in there as fucking kids, do absolutely nothing to help teach them real life skills, release them to an unknown world, and expect that they can thrive smh.
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Old 09-02-2019, 01:41 PM
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I hope he is able to be patient enough to be successful. He didn't get this way overnight, and it will take time for him to erase all of the prison experiences/nightmares too. Success will come in small increments, accompanied by some disappointments, but if he keeps his eye on the prize, he will have a good chance to achieve a normal, productive life after prison.
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Old 09-02-2019, 01:42 PM
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He just spent 90 days in a highly structured environment. He needs routine now.
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:12 PM
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Very much so. Maybe I'll suggest that for him. I know he wants it but can't quite figure out how to get there. I worry that if I create a schedule/routine for him he'll feel like I'm "telling him what to do' and he's had that for basically all of his adult life. He needs to know he can do things on his own. Be disciplined on his own.
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:28 PM
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what was the parole violation for?
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:54 PM
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what was the parole violation for?
He left the state smh
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Old 09-02-2019, 06:09 PM
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Everyone on here have you very good advice. As the one out here I tried to keep my life as normal as possible. I stuck to my routine and the things I do to keep myself sane and healthy.i took a couple days off when he first got out. I didn’t make him my entire focus when he got out. You can be there as a support but ultimately he has to take the action. I hope they have some after care plan for the treatment he just received. He needs to stay busy.
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Old 09-02-2019, 07:51 PM
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He left the state smh
Well....that's not that bad. He's probably down because he went back unexpectedly and he's having to start over again so soon out of the gate after the prison stay. No doubt, he's probably frustrated. Parole violations even though they're for short stays are psychologically frustrating and destructive. They test your patience and affect your determination or excitement in a way that is different than getting out of prison. Parole violations beat you up inside. Prison is a lions den experience, a parole violation stay is like a chihuahua nipping at your heels. The shock of being suddenly locked up, the knowing ahead of time it'll end, but all the stuff you have to repeat again that you did when you got out of prison....it breaks you down. Not in a huge way, but in a small way. It disrupts the harmony or the flow you started when you got out of prison. It's short lived, but it's destructive and it's frustrating as hell. Parole violations when they repeat themselves will make you BITTER about the free world and what you hope to gain or attain out here. Most of the time, it has to do with moving too fast and not being realistic about what your priorities are. We also normalize dangerous situations out here that everyone else can see except us. Slow down.....and realize that FREEDOM ISN'T FREE......and another thing....yes...we're out of prison, but we're still serving a prison sentence. The only difference is we're serving it out here. And hey!!! I'm not preaching here. I'm going through this....I'm faced with this and have been for many years. OUR LIVES ARE NOT OUR OWN TO DO WITH AS WE SO CHOOSE. Still.....I can do the rest of this in prison and be miserable or I do it out here with all of you and experience the beauty of this place called the Free World. We have choices, but it doesn't change the fact that there are still consequences when we make the wrong ones. No.....we are not like other people. We are serving a prison sentence in the free world while on Parole. Stay focused on that. Learn to love yourself and be gentle with yourself because, if you don't do it......no one else can either.
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Old 09-02-2019, 08:02 PM
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Very much so. Maybe I'll suggest that for him. I know he wants it but can't quite figure out how to get there. I worry that if I create a schedule/routine for him he'll feel like I'm "telling him what to do' and he's had that for basically all of his adult life. He needs to know he can do things on his own. Be disciplined on his own.
Maybe start with working out, job hunting, etc. Do it together as to what seems manageable.

He can try small goals to larger goals. Planning backwards helps for some as well. Larger goals and then thinking about the smaller ones needed to get there.

Sounds like shutting down due to being overwhelemed.

He may also benefit in therapy.
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Old 09-03-2019, 09:39 AM
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I agree some therapy might be in order if he's really depressed.
AA or NA might be pretty helpful.


As Firebrand said, he didnt get the way he did overnight and he wont get better overnight either.
There are gonna be bumps in the road. Expect them. Know that they will be in his rear view at some point.
Just keep trying. Keep on trying.


Agree a routine is probably gonna help him. (personally I need to get into one too....) but I also agree that YOU figuring it out for him isnt the best idea. Maybe encourage him to sort of set up his own.
Until he gets a job, work meetings either with parole or NA/AA, then job search. Then take a walk or go to the gym or stuff like that.


And have patience. Both of you.
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Old 09-03-2019, 04:03 PM
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Thank you all. All of your comments are super encouraging. I brought some of them back to him today and it seemed to perk up his attitude a little. I let him know that things will definitely be tough but to always remember this is all temporary. When he comes over we'll be doing job apps and figuring out a schedule but I'm letting him lead. he needs to know he can do it on his own and I know this will help empower him to do even more. He has to learn how to accountable to himself w/o someone looking over his shoulder.
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Old 09-03-2019, 05:07 PM
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Did he finish school? If so, is he interested in a trade school or college? If he didnt, he can focus on taking his GED.

Which suggestions did he seem receptive too?
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:06 PM
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Having so many LO's going in/out of the system so many times. It's never easy once home, and you'll go through so much depression/stress. Until it starts to feel like the world around you is closing in on top of you. It's a huge struggle. My advice to your LO is to never give up! Take each day a small step at a time, and just try to do one thing at a time. Write down goals and work on accomplishing each one. Set small goals first, and never give up even when doors closes. It's going to be doors that will open and stay open. My brother struggle once he came home, it wasn't easy at all. But he was determined to get up on his feet and that's what he did. Now he's working a really good job and so many blessings are landing into his hands. Transitioning back into freedom is hard, but as time move forward it gets a little easier to bear. He has to take it one day at a time, he'll get there soon. Just tell him to hold in there and know that he's worthy of accomplishments just like anyone else is. I'm praying for the both of you. Stay strong!!
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:27 PM
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Did he finish school? If so, is he interested in a trade school or college? If he didnt, he can focus on taking his GED.

Which suggestions did he seem receptive too?
He's receptive to looking for work, goal setting, journaling (He really enjoyed it while he was in his program), and coming up with a schedule/structure to his life.

He talked about going to school for his degree or a trade as well while he was in Willard but hasn't talked about it since being home.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:29 PM
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Having so many LO's going in/out of the system so many times. It's never easy once home, and you'll go through so much depression/stress. Until it starts to feel like the world around you is closing in on top of you. It's a huge struggle. My advice to your LO is to never give up! Take each day a small step at a time, and just try to do one thing at a time. Write down goals and work on accomplishing each one. Set small goals first, and never give up even when doors closes. It's going to be doors that will open and stay open. My brother struggle once he came home, it wasn't easy at all. But he was determined to get up on his feet and that's what he did. Now he's working a really good job and so many blessings are landing into his hands. Transitioning back into freedom is hard, but as time move forward it gets a little easier to bear. He has to take it one day at a time, he'll get there soon. Just tell him to hold in there and know that he's worthy of accomplishments just like anyone else is. I'm praying for the both of you. Stay strong!!
Thank you so much! You all are giving me so much hope and wisdom but more importantly words of encouragement that I can pass along.
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:48 PM
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He's receptive to looking for work, goal setting, journaling (He really enjoyed it while he was in his program), and coming up with a schedule/structure to his life.

He talked about going to school for his degree or a trade as well while he was in Willard but hasn't talked about it since being home.
I'm not sure where in the state you are located, but look up re-entry programs. Osborne Society has a few locations throughout the state. You may find apprenticeships and such for trades through them. They may have leads on entry level work if he if he does not have a skill.

It is overwhelming and he really hasn't adopted yet. He may be 30, but he grew up in prison only to be sent back. You may be better equipped to help him with the research aspect and them let him make choices.

If he likes to read, find some books on finding yourself. There are many authors and styles out there and he may find something that helps get his mind in order.

Baby steps. He needs to feel successful and in control of his life, which isn't happening now. He is 30 year old man who cannot provide for himself.
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:07 PM
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Very true and that's what I think he's realizing and is coming to grips with. I wish I could fast forward time for him. I'll look into those programs and send him the info. We're in NYC.
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:14 PM
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Very true and that's what I think he's realizing and is coming to grips with. I wish I could fast forward time for him. I'll look into those programs and send him the info. We're in NYC.
I'm in the city as well. If you run into roadblocks looking for information send me a message and I'll see what I can find.

Neither of you can rush the process. Everyday is a positive step forward. Look at it like building blocks. He needs to build a foundation and then he can take off.
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Old 09-15-2019, 09:54 PM
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My son was in for 7 years and got out 4 months ago. The hardest thing for him is living with mom when he will be 30 in a few months. It affects his outlook on everything.

His goal was to go to school and has been all along. Since he didn't know exactly how or what, and me telling him exactly what/how to do things does not work out well, I told him I didn't know anything past filling out the federal from for grants for school and that he contact the local community college for an appointment with someone to discuss his options. If your LO doesn't know what he wants to do but is interested in trade school or college, maybe suggesting starting with those 2 things will help. (Doing so will take time to pull together all the info he needs, which will give him a purpose (or make him frustrated) and maybe lead to a direction. Accomplishing something, anything, even in small steps, makes them feel a lot better. Being in NYC rather than the AZ desert, he will have probably too many options as to places for school; so you might help him feel less overwhelmed without providing too much help/control by figuring out which top 3 options for trade/college are close enough to fit into his location/travel needs and means.

The job part was most difficult, but the parole officer required him to prepare a resume and to sign up with the local state office that helps them get started in finding employment (resume, skills evaluations, how to interview). His sister helped him with a resume. (There are places on line with samples.)

I think the hardest part is finding direction and getting started to get the momentum going. I think the other difficult part has been being a drug addict for his teen years, going into the jail parole system at 19 and the prison at 22 and then getting out at almost 30 years old, is that in many ways their life experiences have been cut off at the teen years and they are re-entering society at the age where they are expected to have established employment, careers, and families, so they don't know how/where to start.

They feel completely behind of their peer group and are left fighting that depression along with resentment (even though they acknowledge they are in that position because of their own actions) and don't know how to deal with it, generally not being able to afford counseling along with the social belief that it is negative to need such counseling.

I sent my son some books in the 6 months before he was released that did help him. One of those had specific exercises that helped him figure out his strength and weaknesses, what he liked and didn't like, and direction on resume, job interviewing, etc., all of which was for someone being released from prison. If you don't find a program locally to help him, something like that might help him. They were worth the $15 to $25, but my son likes studying and learning in that method, which isn't for everyone.

Good luck. It's really hard for them and us.
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