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  #1  
Old 09-08-2017, 10:56 AM
Lorp Lorp is offline
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Default Help with controlling boyfriend

So the first couple months he was in, we were doing alright, but I was also only staying home and working. I didn't do anything for myself, nothing fun, I didn't see my friends or talk to anyone. Finally after a couple months I realized I had to live my life because I wasn't the one in jail, so I stated seeing all my friends again, I got a third job at a local bar that's really fun, I'm doing things for myself. I still talk to him on the phone every day and see him three times a week as long as my job doesn't get in the way. Ever since then, he's completely changed into a different person it seems like. He's mean to me, upset at me all the time for no reason. Anytime I'm hanging out with my friends, male or female, he gets upset and says I don't make time for him anymore. He says I'm not affectionate anymore and I don't try to relate to him. When I have conversations about random things, like things that are going on at work, or random gossip I share with him, he says he doesn't care about it or that I'm taking too long to tell the story. He says I don't do enough and I only care about myself, but I've given up so many things to be able to make him comfortable, and these are just a few of the things I've had to deal with. On top of that he asks me if I'm cheating on him on a daily basis. Since this behavior has started I've been telling him that I can see signs of this becoming emotionally abusive and that I want nip these things in the bud because I've been in a relationship like that, and it took me years to leave and I told myself I would never put myself in a situation like that again. I told him I wouldn't stick around if he doesn't try to change this behavior and have offered solutions and asked what I can do to help. Nothing changed. I had the conversation with him about actually breaking up a couple of days ago. Now he's saying that he didn't realize how serious I was about leaving and he's now realizing that he never should've treated me that way, that he's been selfish and there's no excuse for it and he regrets messing up our relationship and wants to make it better. I told him I need to think about it because now I have these feelings of animosity toward our relationship that I'm not sure I can fix, and if he can treat me like that to begin with then he can do it again. He says it'll be different when he gets out, but I don't see how. I want it to work, I love him more than anything, he's my world. And when he was out he treated me like a princess. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm frustrated and tired and confused. I do my best in this relationship, but I don't know if I should stick around and see if it actually gets better, or if I should end it now while it's still relatively early in his bid.
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Old 09-08-2017, 11:06 AM
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I can say from experience with my husband, he actually did this last night..every now and again he is frustrated and going through so many emotions that he takes it out on me. It's childish i will be the first to agree. But i understand that he lashes out sometimes. He almost always immediately catches himself and apologizes profusely. I try not to take those calls personally i think sometimes he just to vent. From personal experience on both ends, being in jail and out. They have no contact to the outside world besides whomever they call or write and visit. So sometimes hearing about things going on upsets them because they cannot be there. There is nothing else to do besides wonder whats going on on the outside. Its all about what you want to do in your relationship. At the end of the day u have to do whats best for you. And only you can decide that.
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Old 09-08-2017, 11:07 AM
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If you've been in this type of relationship before, and can obviously see the red flags... Just leave. Now. You say that it took you years to leave before. There is no reason you should allow yourself to become ensnared in the same trap. He is showing you who he is, please believe him.
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Old 09-08-2017, 11:22 AM
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He's still locked up, right? Stop putting money on his books, answering his calls, visits, writing for a couple weeks. See if he changes his tune. If not, ditch the guy.

There's so many good guys waiting for a good gal like yourself on the outs. Don't settle for less.
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Old 09-08-2017, 12:03 PM
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Exactly: don't settle for less or try to "accommodate" him so he feels better. The problem is within HIM and not you. You are doing great and his complaints are a huge red flag and a sign of him trying to control you.
I don't know how you feel about him deep inside but I almost get the feeling you are doing just fine and are ready to move on without him. You've set some really good boundaries, sounds healthy to me. What he's doing... not so much.
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Old 09-08-2017, 12:32 PM
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I put up with the control (which was evident before prison) for a while, a couple years, and then one day I woke up and realized I was absolutely insane for letting a man dictate my every move (and I literally mean everything...what I can wear and who I can talk to and where I can go and still question my loyalty) when I was working full time and part time and raising 4 kids and paying all our bills and writing every day and visiting twice a month and I said nope, no more. He refused to work on it saying that's just the way he is and he doesn't know why I have a problem with it now. INSANITY! So we separated, I have a guy I'm talking to and I do what I want. I still take his calls every day so he can tell our daughter goodnight and I still take her to visit or meet his family to take her to visit at least twice a month....BUT separating was the most freeing thing ever. Sure, there are sad times, I packed up all his stuff, watched a marriage go to nothing....but living life like that isn't healthy.
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Old 09-08-2017, 03:15 PM
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So... it sounds like you were able to discuss his irrational behavior and he has agreed that it's unacceptable and he's changed it now, right? At least that's how I read it. If he didn't act that way before and he fixed it with a conversation, I think another chance is probably fair.

Now, if this is a pattern... if he goes nuts and then apologizes when you threaten to leave but doesn't make long term changes, then it would be sayonara for sure.

A one-time aberration in his behavior early in his prison stint is probably forgivable.

Under no circumstances should you play his game though. No trying to prove your loyalty, no sitting at home alone to keep his feathers from ruffling.
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Old 09-13-2017, 08:17 AM
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At some point, these men can drive themselves nuts while sitting in the cell thinking about what this girl can actually do while she's with friends or working at a bar. SO MANY potentials meeting a nice guy in freedom, with money and a pretty face. And he just sits in there, being the co-dependent other half (not the better half, that's for sure) and all he has to offer are ... calls on your expense. And looking nice while holding hands during visits. This would drive you crazy either way, don't you think?

I don't justify. I just put it to a different perspective. BUT ... he is testing the waters. Trying to push you here and there. Seeing how much you can put up with. Because once you start giving in to his behavior and maybe quit the new job to spend more time with him, he has his assurance of the power HE has over you (more than anyone else out there) and pulls you back into HIS comfort zone, isolating you from any threats (other men and less time for him). Consequently, this will end up in him losing all his respect for you. And this is pretty much irreversible in this environment.
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Old 09-13-2017, 03:18 PM
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You're going to have to be very aware of those small moves meant to control you and your interactions with the rest of the world. Any signs that he's starting again and you have to back off entirely and most of all - NEVER GIVE IN!

We are always ready to 'soften our edges' to relieve the fears and suffering of our mates, but that can lead down such a bad road (as you already know). Most of us who have been in abusive relationships don't quite get it until it's a little late ;>)
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Old 09-14-2017, 05:29 AM
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You can't control his actions only your own. Its a tough situation for sure. Only you can do what is best for yourself and for the relationship you are in. You
re the one that knows the whole story.
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:03 AM
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Please take the time to figure out if you even want to work it out. I have been where you are in the past. The one thing that stuck out to me is that you have animosity toward relationship now. I get that and in a verbally abusive relationship animosity developes. Do you still want to be with him? Can you get past the animosity? I'm only asking because sometimes they push to far and no matter how they correct the behavior we are just done and can't get that trust and security back. He may just want to correct his behavior long enough to get back in a power position with you, or he may have really just been scared and acted out of fear. Before you try to figure him out, figure you out. Do you want to stick with this? Does he have a longtime or a short time to do because it's not an easy life. You sound like a nice woman make sure your waiting for a nice man!!!
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorp View Post
So the first couple months he was in, we were doing alright, but I was also only staying home and working. I didn't do anything for myself, nothing fun, I didn't see my friends or talk to anyone. Finally after a couple months I realized I had to live my life because I wasn't the one in jail, so I stated seeing all my friends again, I got a third job at a local bar that's really fun, I'm doing things for myself. I still talk to him on the phone every day and see him three times a week as long as my job doesn't get in the way. Ever since then, he's completely changed into a different person it seems like. He's mean to me, upset at me all the time for no reason. Anytime I'm hanging out with my friends, male or female, he gets upset and says I don't make time for him anymore. He says I'm not affectionate anymore and I don't try to relate to him. When I have conversations about random things, like things that are going on at work, or random gossip I share with him, he says he doesn't care about it or that I'm taking too long to tell the story. He says I don't do enough and I only care about myself, but I've given up so many things to be able to make him comfortable, and these are just a few of the things I've had to deal with. On top of that he asks me if I'm cheating on him on a daily basis. Since this behavior has started I've been telling him that I can see signs of this becoming emotionally abusive and that I want nip these things in the bud because I've been in a relationship like that, and it took me years to leave and I told myself I would never put myself in a situation like that again. I told him I wouldn't stick around if he doesn't try to change this behavior and have offered solutions and asked what I can do to help. Nothing changed. I had the conversation with him about actually breaking up a couple of days ago. Now he's saying that he didn't realize how serious I was about leaving and he's now realizing that he never should've treated me that way, that he's been selfish and there's no excuse for it and he regrets messing up our relationship and wants to make it better. I told him I need to think about it because now I have these feelings of animosity toward our relationship that I'm not sure I can fix, and if he can treat me like that to begin with then he can do it again. He says it'll be different when he gets out, but I don't see how. I want it to work, I love him more than anything, he's my world. And when he was out he treated me like a princess. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm frustrated and tired and confused. I do my best in this relationship, but I don't know if I should stick around and see if it actually gets better, or if I should end it now while it's still relatively early in his bid.
If this is not the first time he has been a crybaby douche bag, then he has a pattern. The longer you allow him to make you feel guilty for living your life, the more he will. You see him 3 times a week and talk on the phone every day, and he's bitching? He needs to grow the hell up!

Follow your gut instinct, if it is telling you to call it quits, LISTEN.
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Old 09-15-2017, 07:18 AM
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There is no way i would put up with his words. Tell him to grow up or your gone.
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Old 09-16-2017, 10:08 PM
Curt'swife8 Curt'swife8 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorp View Post
So the first couple months he was in, we were doing alright, but I was also only staying home and working. I didn't do anything for myself, nothing fun, I didn't see my friends or talk to anyone. Finally after a couple months I realized I had to live my life because I wasn't the one in jail, so I stated seeing all my friends again, I got a third job at a local bar that's really fun, I'm doing things for myself. I still talk to him on the phone every day and see him three times a week as long as my job doesn't get in the way. Ever since then, he's completely changed into a different person it seems like. He's mean to me, upset at me all the time for no reason. Anytime I'm hanging out with my friends, male or female, he gets upset and says I don't make time for him anymore. He says I'm not affectionate anymore and I don't try to relate to him. When I have conversations about random things, like things that are going on at work, or random gossip I share with him, he says he doesn't care about it or that I'm taking too long to tell the story. He says I don't do enough and I only care about myself, but I've given up so many things to be able to make him comfortable, and these are just a few of the things I've had to deal with. On top of that he asks me if I'm cheating on him on a daily basis. Since this behavior has started I've been telling him that I can see signs of this becoming emotionally abusive and that I want nip these things in the bud because I've been in a relationship like that, and it took me years to leave and I told myself I would never put myself in a situation like that again. I told him I wouldn't stick around if he doesn't try to change this behavior and have offered solutions and asked what I can do to help. Nothing changed. I had the conversation with him about actually breaking up a couple of days ago. Now he's saying that he didn't realize how serious I was about leaving and he's now realizing that he never should've treated me that way, that he's been selfish and there's no excuse for it and he regrets messing up our relationship and wants to make it better. I told him I need to think about it because now I have these feelings of animosity toward our relationship that I'm not sure I can fix, and if he can treat me like that to begin with then he can do it again. He says it'll be different when he gets out, but I don't see how. I want it to work, I love him more than anything, he's my world. And when he was out he treated me like a princess. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm frustrated and tired and confused. I do my best in this relationship, but I don't know if I should stick around and see if it actually gets better, or if I should end it now while it's still relatively early in his bid.
The good news is he once treated you like a princess!

There have been lots of changes in your relationship in a short amount of time. Going to prison is a huge adjustment at first. My (now) husband acted kinda funky shortly after he got sentenced. I didn't stick around for that treatment. After some months (maybe even a year), I sent him a card and we reconnected. We have been growing, maturing, and becoming better every single day! He needed to know my worth and I needed to stand up for what I deserved. He received the message.

You have also gone through changes and some of those changes can increase a man's insecurities. My husband and I choose to not have relationships really with the opposite sex. It wasn't always that way, but he finally told me that it makes him uncomfortable. I first thought about it through role reversal and could admit I didn't like the idea. Then, I thought about the value of those other male relationships. None of them were worth hurting my (now) husband. It was an easy fix.

Because bars are designed to bring people together, neither of us really think it is appropriate to spend a lot of time in them. It just creates a potential risk. Potential. We try to be proactive now that we are officially committed. I don't think my man would have liked me working in a bar either! He had to deal with a lot before we were officially committed and he would have been "cool" about it, but he would have eventually tried to get me to see the risk.

You should live your life! You should love living! If you are not happy in your relationship, set him free. If you still love him and you see him as your future, you should problem solve all of your situation with respect, dignity, and with consideration of both people's feelings/concerns. Have open/honest dialogue! Good luck!
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