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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 07-07-2018, 03:32 AM
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Default He left me ya'll

Some of ya'll old timers may remember me, or maybe not. PTO held me down for years and I appreciate ya'll. I did a 14 bid with my man from the age of 18. He got out in 2014. 4 years all was well......or so I thought. He been hollering at chicks the whole time. In 2017 talking turned into sexual encounters with 2 women. And apparently he fell in love with them both and proposed marriage to them both. Mind you, we're married. He's been wining and dining them. Spending thousands of dollars on them. Had a secret account and cell phone I didn't know about. Told these women I was a deadbeat mom to our son, even though I took care of our son ALONE during his incarceration and is still the primary caregiver of my child....well man. He's 18 now He had these 2 women thinking I was a dead beat. He took one of these women out on Mother's Day while I sat at home cooking. No they don't have children. I'm the only mother of his children, but it was her he decided to treat to an expensive dinner. Got dressed up all nice. He's been taking them to hotels, and this is the bad part....he even brought them to my house while I was at work. Yup. We have different work hours. Both of these women are shocked.... one has been stalking me now. The other could care less. She loves OUR man and they both (him and girl #2) admitted that they are getting married. Guys, I've been crying everyday. I am so distraught right now. I gave up 14 years of my life. I was just a baby at 18. He admitted to me that he has the mind of a 20 year old, he is 37. He feels like incarceration stopped his growth and he's not mature. I put all his sh*t out the house.


I never thought in a million years that I would be here, that I would be one of those girls. I thought because I knew him before it would be different for us. It wasn't.
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Old 07-07-2018, 05:25 AM
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How horrible. I hope your able to heal and get past this. I'm sorry
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Old 07-07-2018, 05:30 AM
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I just read this and I'm so sorry for what you have to go through.

First and foremost, you need to know that you are clearly one hell of a strong woman! You raised a baby for 14 years by yourself!! You are super mom, so give yourself a pat on the back or that!

Secondly, know that this is NOT your fault. Period. You did nothing wrong and do not beat yourself up over it. But having said that, know also that you can't change him, and you can't change the past, or that you waited all that time. You deserve better than that. Having said that, you are still young, and trust me, your life is not over yet.

Thirdly, what the hell is he thinking? Being married to you, dating and proposing to 2 women at the same time and they think he wants to marry both of them and then what? Hello?? Dummies!!

As for the one stalking you, your safety comes first and you should call the police and get it on the record. Also, your child is now a man and these two women should be able to see that you are no deadbeat. He is the deadbeat for what he is doing to you and his son, not to mention he is the one that was locked up for 14 years. Who do they think was supporting and raising your son during that time? You, "the deadbeat"? Or him, the real deadbeat?

Now it's your turn to have a secret account and start putting money away, because he may try to convince you that he will leave them or that he wants to stay with you or whatever, and while that is up to you, you should be ready just in case, you definitely don't want to be cleaned out by him, or taken advantage by him in a divorce, or fall for his bs again. The key is just to protect yourself financially in any way you can, whether you choose to stay or not.

Good for you for getting his shit out of there, I would change the locks too!! Go talk to a divorce lawyer as well. I am divorced from my first husband but it was amicable, my husband is divorced from his first wife and it was not. She is a crazy psycho. But if you need any advice, please feel free to contact me. For some reason the divorce lawyers all said I should work at a divorce law firm. Lol. No thanks.

Remember, you did nothing wrong and you have a wonderful son from him I am sure that you have done a great job with, don't lose sight of that.
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Old 07-07-2018, 06:08 AM
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Oh wow. The man's lost his mind.
Im so sorry this happened, and also wanted to echo what Rockchalk said about still being young. You are.


Try not to let the words get to you. (deadbeat)

That is laughable.
Divorce his sorry butt asap.
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Old 07-07-2018, 06:14 AM
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I am so sorry to hear this. You have done nothing wrong and it sounds like he is in mid life crisis.
Proud of you for kicking this fool to the curb and moving on. He will regret his actions and you will find happiness with a man who appreciates you for the decent strong beautiful and intelligent woman you are.
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Old 07-07-2018, 06:15 AM
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I'm so sorry As hard as it may seem right now you have a whole life ahead of you and trust me, you will be fine eventually. Take time to look after yourself and to heal...sending you hugs
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Old 07-07-2018, 06:59 AM
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I forgot to mention..........um, does he not realize that being married to more than one person is bigamy? Another criminal charge?


(my ex bil found out he was married to two women at the same time. Yeah.....he had to divorce both of them or face jail time. For real)
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Old 07-07-2018, 07:05 AM
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I'm really sorry this happened,and I also understand the anger of wasted years.Knowing him or her before would imo usually make a difference,but as you said you were only 18 and hadn't had much time to spend one on one. A relationship where you lived with him,knew his true ways. I also believe what he said about the mental growth stopping at the age of incarceration,or pretty damned close to that age. For him he not only thinks like a teenager he's acting worse than a teen.
And if i were you,I'd make his life hell by way of divorce clauses. Take him to the cleaners!
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:02 AM
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Let me give you one really bright spot - your son was raised almost totally without the influence of that rat. He's relatively uncontaminated, free from the smarmy affect of his father. That will matter a whole lot as he continues to grow and make his own life! All for the better!

I know - I had to do much the same with my son and his father....and I'm eternally grateful that said sleaze was not in the picture to infect his son.

The fact that you were in this for 14 years is too bad, but you're still young (don't feel it?). I'm 70, and still kicking, so take your heart back and find someone who will cherish it when you're finally ready to share it again.
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:07 AM
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What an ass!!! It only says something about him and what an idiot and ass he is but it tells me you are a really good woman and as much as it hurts and shocks you now - you are the better person. I'm really sorry that you have to go through this pain and hurt and I'm sending you lots of hugs from Germany
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Old 07-07-2018, 08:37 AM
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nakeisha99, my heart is breaking for you The sorry s.o.b doesn't deserve you, but I know you're hurting and I'm terribly sorry for that The best revenge is for you to grow stronger and be happy. Stay busy, meet new people, do the things you've always wanted to do, learn new hobbies. Go back to school, even if part time, or see what programs are available at your public library.....just get out there and enjoy yourself. Never forget that you're the better person and that you deserve so much more than his lying ass
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Old 07-07-2018, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nakeisha99 View Post
Some of ya'll old timers may remember me, or maybe not. PTO held me down for years and I appreciate ya'll. I did a 14 bid with my man from the age of 18. He got out in 2014. 4 years all was well......or so I thought. He been hollering at chicks the whole time. In 2017 talking turned into sexual encounters with 2 women. And apparently he fell in love with them both and proposed marriage to them both. Mind you, we're married. He's been wining and dining them. Spending thousands of dollars on them. Had a secret account and cell phone I didn't know about. Told these women I was a deadbeat mom to our son, even though I took care of our son ALONE during his incarceration and is still the primary caregiver of my child....well man. He's 18 now He had these 2 women thinking I was a dead beat. He took one of these women out on Mother's Day while I sat at home cooking. No they don't have children. I'm the only mother of his children, but it was her he decided to treat to an expensive dinner. Got dressed up all nice. He's been taking them to hotels, and this is the bad part....he even brought them to my house while I was at work. Yup. We have different work hours. Both of these women are shocked.... one has been stalking me now. The other could care less. She loves OUR man and they both (him and girl #2) admitted that they are getting married. Guys, I've been crying everyday. I am so distraught right now. I gave up 14 years of my life. I was just a baby at 18. He admitted to me that he has the mind of a 20 year old, he is 37. He feels like incarceration stopped his growth and he's not mature. I put all his sh*t out the house.


I never thought in a million years that I would be here, that I would be one of those girls. I thought because I knew him before it would be different for us. It wasn't.

You did what you could.


Dee and I have had our own struggles and our own issues. Partly for a similar reason you're talking about...while she only was down 5 years, some other factors have really stunted her maturity over the years. I went through a stretch of about three months where it felt like I would tell her all the time "your body's in its late 30's, but your brain sometimes is in your early 20's....until you figure out how to balance the drive of your mind with the reality of your body, you're going to have some issues. There have definitely been "grass is greener on the other side" moments on her end. I point at pretty much since the beginning of this year as where we've had our share of struggles. But we've also got a long, solid foundation. What she lacks in maturity....that I can't solve. She has to make choices. But one thing I did....and really, she always had the freedom to explore it, but what I did was really let off the leash. And basically said "go. I'm right here. Figure the world out. Figure your place out." Which kind of resulted in a "...wait, what? You're not going to hold me here or try to make me stay?" "No. You have to choose this. Or you have to choose something else. But how can you make the choice of your own free will if I try to hold you?" Which began another dance.....


The hardest part of the transition, and 14 years is a longer time than 5 but some of the same rules apply to an extent...you become their world. They become dependent on you. You are their voice to the outside. And then...the gates open....and they start finding their own voice. You've put in the work and the effort. They.....dedicated themselves to you, but in a situation where they lacked control over their lives. I think it's a common mistake for an inmate getting out to think, at some point, as they regain their footing in the world...that not only can they make it without us (which they should be able to) but that there's got to be something better. Or at least different.


The pain in that moment is real. Regardless of what happens, you have to look at yourself in those moments, when things seem like they're falling apart, or maybe when they already have...and realize you did your best. In some ways, it's BECAUSE you made that effort to stand by them, empower them, see them through their time and get them home that they now feel like they can make these decisions. (And sometimes these decisions are utterly stupid...but they've got to make them.)


It doesn't resolve your pain at the moment. But ask yourself....where would his life be today if not for you? If you made his life better...even if he did not ultimately give you back what you gave him, even if he gave you less than you deserved....then know that you can take that ability and that strength going forward. Put that focus on yourself. And when you're ready, put that focus on someone who's worthy of it. And wish him well...it's all you can do.


Good luck to you.


-E
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Old 07-09-2018, 05:16 PM
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Thanks everyone, your kind words and advice. It is much appreciated. I honestly did not consider that his level of maturity would basically be the same as when he went in. He really was a baby when he was incarcerated and at this point I just want him to be single and live his life. He’s not ready and has a lot of growing up to do. We have done a lot of talking, he has apologized but the damage is done. I no longer feel regret because waiting and supporting him behind bars made me the women I am today. I am strong, patient and kind. I found out recently that he dumped his ‘fiance’. I guess he’s feeling remorse for handling it the way he did. Nevertheless my focus now is my children, not him. His fiancé has had a nervous breakdown, even threatened to come to my house. I had a talk with her. She can’t believe he did this to her, but she saw that he was doing it to me and didn’t care. Had nothing but kind words for her and wished her well. I’m not bitter. For some reason I don’t get any pleasure in treating people how they treat me. She wasn’t married to me, she didn’t hurt me.

I realized my 1st post made it seem like he proposed to both girls at the same time. He proposed to girl # 1 first. Dumped her when he found out she was wearing a waist trainer under her clothes and she was fat. I swear that’s what he told me. He dumped her in June 2018.

He dumped girl # two over the weekend because he feels guilty for how he handled everything.

I finished removing the remainder of his things out the house. Guess where he wanna come back to? Nope, I’m good. I told him he needs mental help.

Peace and blessings. Keisha
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Old 07-10-2018, 06:44 AM
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Keisha, you're one fabulous woman - I applaud your strength & dignity and kindness. Karma will handle this and you will be better than fine
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Old 07-10-2018, 07:57 AM
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You are an awesome lady. Im glad you're ok.
Too bad he's feeling guilty, said with the sarcasm font. (oh geez, he dumped the first one cause she's fat??? Jerk face)
Im just glad you are ok. I think you just perfect in the way you handled this. Just perfect.
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Old 07-10-2018, 09:38 AM
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Everything about your post shows what an intelligent compassionate and beautiful person you are. My goodness will he regret his stupidity but you can’t be responsible for him. You have only good things coming your way. Much respect to you.
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Old 07-11-2018, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
You did what you could.


Dee and I have had our own struggles and our own issues. Partly for a similar reason you're talking about...while she only was down 5 years, some other factors have really stunted her maturity over the years. I went through a stretch of about three months where it felt like I would tell her all the time "your body's in its late 30's, but your brain sometimes is in your early 20's....until you figure out how to balance the drive of your mind with the reality of your body, you're going to have some issues. There have definitely been "grass is greener on the other side" moments on her end. I point at pretty much since the beginning of this year as where we've had our share of struggles. But we've also got a long, solid foundation. What she lacks in maturity....that I can't solve. She has to make choices. But one thing I did....and really, she always had the freedom to explore it, but what I did was really let off the leash. And basically said "go. I'm right here. Figure the world out. Figure your place out." Which kind of resulted in a "...wait, what? You're not going to hold me here or try to make me stay?" "No. You have to choose this. Or you have to choose something else. But how can you make the choice of your own free will if I try to hold you?" Which began another dance.....


The hardest part of the transition, and 14 years is a longer time than 5 but some of the same rules apply to an extent...you become their world. They become dependent on you. You are their voice to the outside. And then...the gates open....and they start finding their own voice. You've put in the work and the effort. They.....dedicated themselves to you, but in a situation where they lacked control over their lives. I think it's a common mistake for an inmate getting out to think, at some point, as they regain their footing in the world...that not only can they make it without us (which they should be able to) but that there's got to be something better. Or at least different.


The pain in that moment is real. Regardless of what happens, you have to look at yourself in those moments, when things seem like they're falling apart, or maybe when they already have...and realize you did your best. In some ways, it's BECAUSE you made that effort to stand by them, empower them, see them through their time and get them home that they now feel like they can make these decisions. (And sometimes these decisions are utterly stupid...but they've got to make them.)


It doesn't resolve your pain at the moment. But ask yourself....where would his life be today if not for you? If you made his life better...even if he did not ultimately give you back what you gave him, even if he gave you less than you deserved....then know that you can take that ability and that strength going forward. Put that focus on yourself. And when you're ready, put that focus on someone who's worthy of it. And wish him well...it's all you can do.


Good luck to you.


-E
Wow...this was powerful...Thank you...I'm not in that situation...and sometimes I just peruse PTO..but this...I appreciate this n will remember this whatever may come for me in the future. Thank you.
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Old 07-14-2018, 11:20 AM
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Girl....when I saw the poster I got chills down my spine. I remember when your hubby came home, and all the updates and everything. That's the same year I got married. I am just shocked, I'm so sorry your going through this, but I see your dealing with this well. Thank God. I must say that this is my biggest fear in all this, my hubbys been in since he was 20 and he's 38 now. He'll be be 43 when he comes home, it's just plain scary, you just never know. Once again so sorry. Let the healing begin
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Old 07-14-2018, 01:30 PM
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Lady, and you ARE that! All I can say is that you're one hell of a woman, and I applaud that.
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Originally Posted by lovinglife30 View Post
Girl....when I saw the poster I got chills down my spine. I remember when your hubby came home, and all the updates and everything. That's the same year I got married. I am just shocked, I'm so sorry your going through this, but I see your dealing with this well. Thank God. I must say that this is my biggest fear in all this, my hubbys been in since he was 20 and he's 38 now. He'll be be 43 when he comes home, it's just plain scary, you just never know. Once again so sorry. Let the healing begin

Yeah, admittedly this was my greatest fear. I was 18 when he went in and 34 when he was released. I prayed I didn’t wait all those years just for him to come home and do me dirty. I still have no regrets. He’s not moving on as easily as I would have hoped though. Constant calls and visits. Crying from him, not me. Constant guilt tripping me for walking away. I thought it would be so easy considering he had all these other women, but he won’t leave me alone. Karma came sooner than I thought. I guess he realized what he lost.
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