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Old 06-11-2019, 10:35 PM
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Question Relationship better since being incarcerated?

Hello, Im very new to this site so Im not sure if there is a thread for this topic yet or not but Im just curious... (& I apologize in advance for this being so long)

Has anyone’s relationship with their loved one gotten BETTER since theyve been locked up? And did it remain that way once they were released?

A little back story... My fiance & i have been together for one year and (almost) two months & he has been in jail for 37 days now. Before he got locked up our relationship was VERY rocky, when we first started dating he was in a relationship (that i didnt know about for at least 2 months) with a woman who was in jail on a 2yr sentence but they had apparently been together on & off for 4 years prior to her going to prison... (i met him only one month into her sentence) & it took about 6mos for me to really believe him that he had cut all ties with her and was only with me. Well, she wasnt the only woman who came between us, i had on a few different occasions found messages in his phone to & from other women right up until four days prior to him being arrested and sent to county jail...He insists that he never had any kind of physical relationship (sexual intercourse of any kind) with any other women besides me since the day we got together & that any “relationship” he had with these other women were either “business related” (aka their “supplier”) or because “before me he never knew REAL love existed & that his whole life he felt like what he had been doing was normal due to how he was raised” (mother was a prostitute & father owned strip clubs & “pimped” the women out)

But... for whatever reason since hes been in jail EVERYTHING feels different, he has opened up to me in ways that he never had in our first year together, he has expressed his love for me in ways he never had, we have gotten to know each other in ways we never had before he went to jail. He has told me things that I never knew before this time of him being locked up...He’s even asked me to marry him and has maintained that this time being locked up has changed his entire outlook on life & love in general. Our relationship NOW feels amazing, we laugh together, we cry together, we talk about everything and anything...and he has even changed the way he interacts with my children, he's very “fatherly” now when it comes to them, whereas before he was kind of “distant” and didn’t get very involved with them.

So my question is, has anyone had this experience? Where your relationship was beyond rocky and almost at the point of ending before your loved one was incarcerated but since incarcerations everything has changed!? And if so, did it last? Was it just “jail talk”? Can it be possible that this was our blessing in disguise & something that we NEEDED to happen in order to save our relationship!? I dont want to set myself up for failure, thinking everything is now amazing & will continue to be once he gets out if thats not realistic... I truly love this man more than i have ever loved anyone else in my life, I have know that since the very 1st day I met him but his love for me was very questionable prior to him getting locked up, so is it possible that (only 37 days in) he can have such a drastic change in “who he is”, is it possible for 37 days to make such a difference in his actions & how he thinks/feels about love!?
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Old 06-12-2019, 02:59 AM
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I'm gonna say it. They change while incarcerated. They want letters, phone calls, and commissary. Not to say he doesn't love you, but it should be the sane when he's not incarcerated. I could write a pen pal and he will say what he knows I want to hear. I've been with Mike for 23 years... including a break up, but he's literally crazy over me. I just know he loves me. Just be careful and protect your heart.
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Old 06-12-2019, 04:55 AM
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Old 06-12-2019, 05:54 AM
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I would proceed with caution.
While its nice to hear the sweet things he says now.......I would be super cautious. I mean he was not really truthful while you were together.
And to have such a huge change? In only just over a month?
Is it possible? Maybe.



I know if it were me, I sure wouldnt marry him until he's been out and doing well for at least a yr.
And *losing* all those *friends*
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Old 06-12-2019, 06:39 AM
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I would continue to play this all by ear and don't rush to marry him. Because y'all had a rocky relationship way before his incarceration. Now that he's incarcerated he's a different man towards you. Changed in 37 days (the way he was acting and what he was doing way before being incarcerated)? It could be possible he did that so he'll have the support he needs while he's incarcerated. So please stay on the caution side with him and guard your heart through it. I would truly look at the difference as to how he acts right now while incarcerated. And how he's going to act once he's released again. He never open this much to you before his incarceration and now that he's incarcerated he's opening up more to you. Just be careful alright? I know you don't want to get hurt or be set up for failure. Nobody does. But you must guard yourself and proceed with caution through everything.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:23 AM
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I've had two previous boyfriends (who I knew in the free world before they went in) who ended up in the county jails for stuff. While they were in there (both were in for about 4-6 months) they wrote all the time. Their letters were always apologetic and optimistic and bleeding with "I'm gonna change." Sadly, one of them went right back to how he was before he went in. The other one, he did change and he's kept his nose clean as a whistle.


The one who did not change struggled with alcoholism and untreated schizophrenia. Sadly, he met his demise at the age of 32 after a long night of drinking - fell into a canal in Denver and drowned. I hope he's at peace now. Breaks my heart I couldn't save him.
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Old 06-12-2019, 07:40 AM
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Thank you all for the responses!! I am definitely aware that this change in him has been drastic in a very short period of time & I have definitely questioned it, both within myself & to him directly... He says that “this time” away has just really opened his eyes to whats most important in life & has made him realize that the stupid shht his was doing held no real meaning or importance to him. He has been incarcerated before (not during our relationship) and claims hes never had anything or anyone to lose before nor has he ever had anyone really stay by his side through a time like this and now that he has me (& the kids) here in his life its just made him really understand how important that is and how much he truly loves me for showing him what “true love” is... I dont really know how to FULLY explain our relationship prior to him going to jail because it was more 50/50, as in 50% of it was as I described above (the other women, the double life, the streets, the drugs) but the other 50% was the deepest love Ive ever felt... We had met online and within a week from our 1st conversation we were taking zoo trips with the kids (my two & his daughter) (which i had never introduced a man into my kids life so soon but something about this felt SO RIGHT) we were spending every day all day together, the 5 of us, we took trips to Lake Erie, went to 4 different amusement parks in a matter of that 1st year together, met each other’s family (aunts, cousins, siblings, friends) & as rocky as our love was we had already talked about moving in together prior to him going to jail... So i guess because it was so “50/50” that is what now has me holding on to so much hope that he is actually changing and has truly realized whats really important...i think had our relationship not had so many good times to counteract the bad times I probably would think he was full of SHHT right now but something in my heart feels like THIS, him being locked up, was exactly what we needed...what HE needed!?

Maybe Im just naive!! Idk...

But just curious...what would be his “gain” or “motive” in marrying me while hes incarcerated?? Like why ask to marry someone if its not out of genuine love!? Again, maybe Im just that “dumb” & “naive” to not see outside of his box...lol idk.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:22 AM
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Going to jail takes a person out of their "element," which can be a very good thing. He's been cut off from the lifestyle he's led on the streets, and now he's in a place where he has few distractions, no real entertainment, no freedom to do with his time as he pleases. It's like a timeout. It sounds like he has a part of him that's striving to do do something good in this world and be a decent man, but he's never had any good role models.

I don't think that asking you to marry him is motivated by any ulterior, evil motives. I don't even consider his changed attitude any kind of con or jail talk. It's like the other posters said, being in jail changes people, due to the timeout they get from their life and its patterns as they lived them. I think it's almost inevitable that they become more introspective and thoughtful. I'm sure his proposal stems from a genuine desire to make a better life for you both.

Having said that, I do not think you should right now. As you say, 37 days is an awfully short period of time to go by. The test of all that life revision and introspection will be when he is released and given the chance to put it all into action. It takes a tremendous amount of commitment and effort to change a lifetime patterns of thoughts and behaviors. A lot of people -- probably a majority -- fall right back into business as usual once they get released.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:50 AM
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He asking you to marry him now since he's incarcerated. Would he have asked you the same question before being incarcerated? It's nothing wrong with marriage. But with how things was way before his incarceration I wouldn't be ready to say I do just yet!! Be engaged until he's out again and see how he acts. See if he'll continue to be the change he mentions or go back to who he was before incarceration. If he continue to be the change he mentions. By all means get married. You don't want to say I do to a man that claims he changed and once he's home he hasn't changed at all. For now just work on patching y'all relationship nothing shouldn't be 50%/50% relationship should be 100% both ways with no bs or any games in between. A commitment is 100% not 50%. You shouldn't think your dumb!! You love him and in love with this man. Your ready for full commitment...just make sure he's ready for it as you are. You'll have all the time in the world for marriage. Right now y'all relationship needs a lot of patching up and fixing before either one of you say I do.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:16 AM
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My husband did the same...Did around 6-8 months stated that he was so changed, got out this past November, and went right back to the stuff he was into. Hes now back in jail this time doing time and not just in county, and of course saying the same thing. Its a mind thing, if they are not ready to change they wont...
Also, the marriage thing, thats probably so that he can get contact visits while hes away. I would tell him to wait until he gets out...
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LMH050118 View Post
Hello, Im very new to this site so Im not sure if there is a thread for this topic yet or not but Im just curious... (& I apologize in advance for this being so long)

Has anyone’s relationship with their loved one gotten BETTER since theyve been locked up? And did it remain that way once they were released?

A little back story... My fiance & i have been together for one year and (almost) two months & he has been in jail for 37 days now. Before he got locked up our relationship was VERY rocky, when we first started dating he was in a relationship (that i didnt know about for at least 2 months) with a woman who was in jail on a 2yr sentence but they had apparently been together on & off for 4 years prior to her going to prison... (i met him only one month into her sentence) & it took about 6mos for me to really believe him that he had cut all ties with her and was only with me. Well, she wasnt the only woman who came between us, i had on a few different occasions found messages in his phone to & from other women right up until four days prior to him being arrested and sent to county jail...He insists that he never had any kind of physical relationship (sexual intercourse of any kind) with any other women besides me since the day we got together & that any “relationship” he had with these other women were either “business related” (aka their “supplier”) or because “before me he never knew REAL love existed & that his whole life he felt like what he had been doing was normal due to how he was raised” (mother was a prostitute & father owned strip clubs & “pimped” the women out)

But... for whatever reason since hes been in jail EVERYTHING feels different, he has opened up to me in ways that he never had in our first year together, he has expressed his love for me in ways he never had, we have gotten to know each other in ways we never had before he went to jail. He has told me things that I never knew before this time of him being locked up...He’s even asked me to marry him and has maintained that this time being locked up has changed his entire outlook on life & love in general. Our relationship NOW feels amazing, we laugh together, we cry together, we talk about everything and anything...and he has even changed the way he interacts with my children, he's very “fatherly” now when it comes to them, whereas before he was kind of “distant” and didn’t get very involved with them.

So my question is, has anyone had this experience? Where your relationship was beyond rocky and almost at the point of ending before your loved one was incarcerated but since incarcerations everything has changed!? And if so, did it last? Was it just “jail talk”? Can it be possible that this was our blessing in disguise & something that we NEEDED to happen in order to save our relationship!? I dont want to set myself up for failure, thinking everything is now amazing & will continue to be once he gets out if thats not realistic... I truly love this man more than i have ever loved anyone else in my life, I have know that since the very 1st day I met him but his love for me was very questionable prior to him getting locked up, so is it possible that (only 37 days in) he can have such a drastic change in “who he is”, is it possible for 37 days to make such a difference in his actions & how he thinks/feels about love!?
A leopard doesn’t change his spots. They ALL turn into this when they get in prison and I wouldn’t doubt he’s not talking to anyone else either.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by jessesgirl1111 View Post
A leopard doesn’t change his spots. They ALL turn into this when they get in prison and I wouldn’t doubt he’s not talking to anyone else either.

Well i know he hasnt had any other visits for sure because he only gets one visit per week and I have visited him every week since he’s been there and as for “talking” thru mail or on the phone, that I definitely dont know...

i do however feel its very “small minded” to say “a leopard doesn’t change its spots” because we all KNOW that isn’t factual when it comes to HUMANS... People CAN change and they do in fact change depending on the situation. I can say from my own life experiences that people change, I being one of those people. My entire teenage years thru early twenties I was very “fast” in my ways, sleeping with whoever & however many people came my way, ran the streets, did “drugs” and never cared about the consequences but since my 20s I have changed ENTIRELY, like you wouldnt even know I was the same person now that i was back then....

So as I do appreciate your response & your “honesty” i dont feel as though its an accurate representation of “reality” vs simply based on what YOU feel or have gone through.

He may not change, thats a fact that i cant deny but to simply rule it out as not even being possible isnt something I am able to do.
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Old 06-12-2019, 12:37 PM
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I very much doubt he has changed much in 37 days. His personality may not have changed but his circumstances have changed and he has had to adapt to survive. He needs you around for support so he is going to give you all you want to hear.

Change is possible but it takes time and effort. He needs to work on himself and make positive sustainable changes.

I would not believe he has changed until he is back home and proving to you every day that he is man he says he is now.
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Old 06-12-2019, 12:56 PM
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Now is the watch and see. Make no promises. In a month he hasnt changed. How he conducts himself long term will show you and this takes time.

Watch to see:
how much money he asks for
Attitude and manipulations
Behavior inside (can he follow the rules or is he a perpetual victim)
Favors he asks for
Inconsistent communication

He is on best behavior. If he is real, it will continue. If not, it will only last for so long. Keep eyes open
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Old 06-12-2019, 01:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LMH050118 View Post
Has anyone’s relationship with their loved one gotten BETTER since theyve been locked up? And did it remain that way once they were released?

A little back story... My fiance & i have been together for one year and (almost) two months & he has been in jail for 37 days now. Before he got locked up our relationship was VERY rocky, when we first started dating he was in a relationship (that i didnt know about for at least 2 months) with a woman who was in jail on a 2yr sentence but they had apparently been together on & off for 4 years prior to her going to prison... (i met him only one month into her sentence) & it took about 6mos for me to really believe him that he had cut all ties with her and was only with me. Well, she wasnt the only woman who came between us, i had on a few different occasions found messages in his phone to & from other women right up until four days prior to him being arrested and sent to county jail...He insists that he never had any kind of physical relationship (sexual intercourse of any kind) with any other women besides me since the day we got together & that any “relationship” he had with these other women were either “business related” (aka their “supplier”) or because “before me he never knew REAL love existed & that his whole life he felt like what he had been doing was normal due to how he was raised” (mother was a prostitute & father owned strip clubs & “pimped” the women out)

But... for whatever reason since hes been in jail EVERYTHING feels different, he has opened up to me in ways that he never had in our first year together, he has expressed his love for me in ways he never had, we have gotten to know each other in ways we never had before he went to jail. He has told me things that I never knew before this time of him being locked up...He’s even asked me to marry him and has maintained that this time being locked up has changed his entire outlook on life & love in general. Our relationship NOW feels amazing, we laugh together, we cry together, we talk about everything and anything...and he has even changed the way he interacts with my children, he's very “fatherly” now when it comes to them, whereas before he was kind of “distant” and didn’t get very involved with them.

So my question is, has anyone had this experience? Where your relationship was beyond rocky and almost at the point of ending before your loved one was incarcerated but since incarcerations everything has changed!? And if so, did it last? Was it just “jail talk”? Can it be possible that this was our blessing in disguise & something that we NEEDED to happen in order to save our relationship!? I dont want to set myself up for failure, thinking everything is now amazing & will continue to be once he gets out if thats not realistic... I truly love this man more than i have ever loved anyone else in my life, I have know that since the very 1st day I met him but his love for me was very questionable prior to him getting locked up, so is it possible that (only 37 days in) he can have such a drastic change in “who he is”, is it possible for 37 days to make such a difference in his actions & how he thinks/feels about love!?
I am not going to say the relationship has gotten better because we have always been pretty strong but perhaps the word "clearer" is more appropriate. I wasn't at the point of ending it but there was something going on that I could not put my finger on. For someone that is relatively intelligent I was an idiot. There was a third party in our relationship and it was meth. A lot of people don't believe me when I say it but I honestly had no idea.

The things he says now are things that he would say before he started using. His mind is not clouded and his heart is more open. For me, this is not really a change but a return to the man I married.

Prison didn't change him. The drug changed him and prison is helping him find his way back.
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Old 06-12-2019, 06:00 PM
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Well i know he hasnt had any other visits for sure because he only gets one visit per week and I have visited him every week since he’s been there and as for “talking” thru mail or on the phone, that I definitely dont know...

i do however feel its very “small minded” to say “a leopard doesn’t change its spots” because we all KNOW that isn’t factual when it comes to HUMANS... People CAN change and they do in fact change depending on the situation. I can say from my own life experiences that people change, I being one of those people. My entire teenage years thru early twenties I was very “fast” in my ways, sleeping with whoever & however many people came my way, ran the streets, did “drugs” and never cared about the consequences but since my 20s I have changed ENTIRELY, like you wouldnt even know I was the same person now that i was back then....

So as I do appreciate your response & your “honesty” i dont feel as though its an accurate representation of “reality” vs simply based on what YOU feel or have gone through.

He may not change, thats a fact that i cant deny but to simply rule it out as not even being possible isnt something I am able to do.
I’m sorry you’re right. I shouldn’t of generalized. But your post, like thousands of others, is such a common story. I know right now it feels good to be loved that way, but it just sucks you’ve been thru all that and it takes THIS to get him to start respecting you. Unfortunately this type of change is usually short lived, and it’s heart wrenching on the outdate when you invest time and energy into it, plus the waiting, and get let down. There are SO MANY of these guys they profess this love to multiple women, they joke in jail about it, they play games, make bets, show pictures.... These guys are in the absolute most ego intensive environment and it does things to them. Most for survival & the need to fit in, but just keep your head lined up with your heart. As time passes you’ll gain clarity, and your gut will tell you if it’s right or wrong. I hope nothing but the absolute best, I just don’t want to see you hurt. Again I apologize for the generalization.
Ironically I talked to my husband earlier today, his celly found out that another inmate has been writing his wife. The dumbass brought out a letter, someone stoke the return address and started writing his wife and she’s been writing back. The environment they’re in is FULL of distrust. Good men get paranoid becuz of these kinds of stories. Bad men get worse becuz it’s encouraged.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:47 PM
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I’m sorry you’re right. I shouldn’t of generalized. But your post, like thousands of others, is such a common story. I know right now it feels good to be loved that way, but it just sucks you’ve been thru all that and it takes THIS to get him to start respecting you. Unfortunately this type of change is usually short lived, and it’s heart wrenching on the outdate when you invest time and energy into it, plus the waiting, and get let down. There are SO MANY of these guys they profess this love to multiple women, they joke in jail about it, they play games, make bets, show pictures.... These guys are in the absolute most ego intensive environment and it does things to them. Most for survival & the need to fit in, but just keep your head lined up with your heart. As time passes you’ll gain clarity, and your gut will tell you if it’s right or wrong. I hope nothing but the absolute best, I just don’t want to see you hurt. Again I apologize for the generalization.
Ironically I talked to my husband earlier today, his celly found out that another inmate has been writing his wife. The dumbass brought out a letter, someone stoke the return address and started writing his wife and she’s been writing back. The environment they’re in is FULL of distrust. Good men get paranoid becuz of these kinds of stories. Bad men get worse becuz it’s encouraged.
Thank you so much for this response!! I genuinely appreciate it...and I apologize also if I came off at all “harsh” with my response to your first comment. I can admit I may be a little sensitive to the subject at hand because it is, in fact, MY LIFE & it is really scary to sit and think about the possible outcomes of this situation. Like of course I want the best out of this but I cant deny the possibility that the absolute worst could happen also...I totally hear and understand what you’re saying though!! Many years ago with my daughters biological father, i went thru almost exactly what you’re talking about. We also had a rocky relationship prior to him being sent to prison for 5 years but I stood by his side 100% to the fullest, and maybe about 5mos in I found out he had been getting visits from another woman (mind you i would have never known b/c he was allowed multiple visits per week unlike my current situation where he can only have one visit per week) and he pretty much created a full on relationship behind my back with her (they actually have 3 kids together now.lol) but he was very much the “type” you talk about... Now granted my “fiance” has only been locked up about a month & a half so not much time has transpired but the feelings & vibes I get from him are 1000 times different than they were with my daughters father. Something I cant really explain in words... Maybe its just the {HOPE} that Im so tightly holding onto taking over, but I guess I wont truly know until he gets out!!

And again...Thank You! I truly appreciate your response
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:17 AM
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Another thing to add
Folks saying that its a time out.
It IS. Its a time out from the everyday struggles on the outside.
Work, family,children, friends, hardships, stress from within and from others.
Some of the things that make it more difficult to stay away from drugs/alcohol.


Before someone can commit to you, he's got to commit to himself to stay sober. Staying sober for HIMSELF.
Thats why I said wait at least a year before you actually commit to a marriage.


I also think people can and do change.
I know Im not the same person I was 15 yrs ago, or even 5 yrs ago. (some good changes, some not as good)


I hope he's doing NA while in, and it may help you to check out a few Nar-a-non meetings as well.
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Old 06-14-2019, 07:34 AM
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Hello and welcome!
I can understand why everything looks clearer. While he is incarcerated he has limited access to drugs, therefore it is logical for him to be more sensitive and open up to you. It's part of getting sober. I've been down that road not with meth but another addiction along with alcoholism and I can tell you for sure he really believes what he is telling you. The reality is that I'm almost 2 years sober and I have changed a lot since the first month, the 6th, the first year and so on. Saying that when you get sober the most difficult thing is that you get your feelings back. The best thing is also that you get your feelings back. Only time can tell. I hope he stays sober and everything works out for you guys
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Old 06-23-2019, 12:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LMH050118 View Post
Hello, Im very new to this site so Im not sure if there is a thread for this topic yet or not but Im just curious... (& I apologize in advance for this being so long)

Has anyone’s relationship with their loved one gotten BETTER since theyve been locked up? And did it remain that way once they were released?

A little back story... My fiance & i have been together for one year and (almost) two months & he has been in jail for 37 days now. Before he got locked up our relationship was VERY rocky, when we first started dating he was in a relationship (that i didnt know about for at least 2 months) with a woman who was in jail on a 2yr sentence but they had apparently been together on & off for 4 years prior to her going to prison... (i met him only one month into her sentence) & it took about 6mos for me to really believe him that he had cut all ties with her and was only with me. Well, she wasnt the only woman who came between us, i had on a few different occasions found messages in his phone to & from other women right up until four days prior to him being arrested and sent to county jail...He insists that he never had any kind of physical relationship (sexual intercourse of any kind) with any other women besides me since the day we got together & that any “relationship” he had with these other women were either “business related” (aka their “supplier”) or because “before me he never knew REAL love existed & that his whole life he felt like what he had been doing was normal due to how he was raised” (mother was a prostitute & father owned strip clubs & “pimped” the women out)

But... for whatever reason since hes been in jail EVERYTHING feels different, he has opened up to me in ways that he never had in our first year together, he has expressed his love for me in ways he never had, we have gotten to know each other in ways we never had before he went to jail. He has told me things that I never knew before this time of him being locked up...He’s even asked me to marry him and has maintained that this time being locked up has changed his entire outlook on life & love in general. Our relationship NOW feels amazing, we laugh together, we cry together, we talk about everything and anything...and he has even changed the way he interacts with my children, he's very “fatherly” now when it comes to them, whereas before he was kind of “distant” and didn’t get very involved with them.

So my question is, has anyone had this experience? Where your relationship was beyond rocky and almost at the point of ending before your loved one was incarcerated but since incarcerations everything has changed!? And if so, did it last? Was it just “jail talk”? Can it be possible that this was our blessing in disguise & something that we NEEDED to happen in order to save our relationship!? I dont want to set myself up for failure, thinking everything is now amazing & will continue to be once he gets out if thats not realistic... I truly love this man more than i have ever loved anyone else in my life, I have know that since the very 1st day I met him but his love for me was very questionable prior to him getting locked up, so is it possible that (only 37 days in) he can have such a drastic change in “who he is”, is it possible for 37 days to make such a difference in his actions & how he thinks/feels about love!?
Just from my experience, I would say to enjoy the way he is acting now, but be weary because it could change when he gets out. When they're in jail, they do change and it's a humbling experience, so they become better partners. But when they get out and go back to real life, they can change back just as easily. Just be careful and know that it could stay great, it could go back to how it was. More likely than not, it'll be somewhere in the middle.
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