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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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  #1  
Old 06-13-2010, 09:03 AM
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Question To tell or not to tell? Is it wrong to want to keep your lifer a secret?

This has been a recent argument between lifer and I and I finally broke down and told all my room mates about my lifer against my better judgment because he kept accusing me of being "ashamed" of him because I didn't want to tell people about him. I just didn't want to hear the well intended advice of "you need to dump him and cut off all ties" because "he'll have another pen-pal tomorrow" and "he's just using you, that's what they all do" blah blah blah... I told lifer now I have to hear it and do I need people negatively telling me to give up on my love? Isn't this hard enough without the critisism from the people I live with? So I'm going to ask the group. (I've already told and am already regreting it!) What do the rest of you think?
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Old 06-13-2010, 09:08 AM
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you were right in the first place as to keep him a secret, and he was wrong to make you tell them, you should of went it alone, but then if they were deepest friends then if they were good friends then they should be there for you to encourage you not ridicule you on someone they dont know, sorry that happened, you should of just told him you mentioned it to them and left it like that to keep your mind at ease. good luck just do what you think is right in yor heart, not others god bless
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Old 06-13-2010, 10:05 AM
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I choose wisely whom I tell about him. Not because I am ashamed but because most people are not open enough to understand, and I am tired of justifying myself all the time. BTW it was HIM who did not want me to tell my boss about him. He said whats the use if I told the people at work and lost my job? That wont help anybody...plus I would not have the money to fly over to the US all the time to see him. He said he knows that I love him no matter what I tell or not tell the other people.
Kendra, I think it is easier for your husband to say all this because he is not the one who has to deal with these people and the negativity everyday.
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Old 06-13-2010, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gods mercy View Post
you were right in the first place as to keep him a secret, and he was wrong to make you tell them, you should of went it alone, but then if they were deepest friends then if they were good friends then they should be there for you to encourage you not ridicule you on someone they dont know, sorry that happened, you should of just told him you mentioned it to them and left it like that to keep your mind at ease. good luck just do what you think is right in yor heart, not others god bless
These people are "roommates" and I've only lived here/known them for 2 weeks. Nice people though.

I can't do the 'don't and say I did' because he wants complete and total honesty in our relationship, however, with that said, I feel I need to impress upon him I need complete and total ACCEPTANCE of my choices or else I'm going to stop giving total honesty. He can't have it both ways.
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Old 06-13-2010, 11:07 AM
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I know what you mean about not sharing information about Rob to people you just met. I know it's not like you are trying to keep a secret about your relationship, you want to make sure it's safe to do so and comfortable for you to open up to complete strangers. I've been married for two years and I still haven't told a whole lot of people about my marriage. My 94 year old grandfather would be one because of his frail condition. He worries enough about me, since he is the one who was the stable "Parent" when I was growing up. The thought of his granddaughter married to a man who will never be able to support me, and the thought of me working my self to "death" will put too much stress over him. I didn't tell my landlord for the fact I was scared that they wouldn't rent to me because of my marriage to a man in prison. For me to share with people about my lifer, it has to be "safe and a feeling of comfort" for them to know about my husband.
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Old 06-13-2010, 11:23 AM
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I don't think it's wrong if you know they won't be supportive - or at least keep their negative opinions to themselves.

Your lifer shouldn't have laid guilt on you to tell people you don't even know and with whom you now have to live.

Sorry this happened and I hope the narrrow-minded, ignorant roomies back off or you'll be moving out in the near future I fear.

Good luck, sweetie!
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:22 AM
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Kendra,

I don't wish to play devils advocate here but I believe you have made the difficult and right choice to tell your room mates. It is my feeling there is a lot to be said for candor and I find deceit exhausting. I use deceit as in the act of concealment only. After all these are people you are anticipating living in close quarters with for the next 10 months or more. They have brought you into their home and frankly I would fear that in a few months time that should you choose to tell them then they would question 'what else hasn't she told us'?

I completely support all to tell or not tell any detail of thier lives past and present. I simply feel in this situation and knowing you, it would have become more burdensome to continue to 'story tell', as apposed to getting it all out there, up front. I suspect that once the shock (maybe that word is too harsh) has worn off, that the curiousity will set in and I will concede that can be more annoying....sigh.

Then, there is the issue of 'trust'. His honesty issue and your acceptance. I truly feel bad that you had to demonstrate rather than his taking your word. But as you have stated he is totally insecure and let's be honest, afraid.

So, my answer is, no it is not wrong. Just as we must all pick our 'battles' we most certainly are allowed to pick who we wish to share any intimate detail of our lives.
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:13 AM
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I agree with NY...no you are not wrong about not opening yourself up for ridicule but I too find it harder to keep secrets. It's exhausting. I had to decide very early on if I would share my life with Steve with others or if I would keep mum. You see...my guy not only killed someone, but that someone was a cop. So as you can imagine, we had a high profile freaking circus for a trial. He was characterized as this horrible monster who executed the guy point blank in the head. That's not what happened. (That's a whole nother story) I was at the trial in the family section every day (we were engaged but not married yet). No one really knew who I was just that I was there for him and that we talked whenever we could. His lawyers didn't even know how close we were until about a week before trial. I was asked every day by the media if I wanted to share my relationship with the general public. I chose not to because I had seen first hand how the media twisted things. But what I finally decided through all this was that I loved this guy and it didn't matter to me what anyone else thought. Still doesn't. And I don't justify or defend my choice ever to anyone. I don't feel that I need to. (and neither do you) If you're not accepting of my husband then you're not accepting of me. Yes some people look at me differently now. And I have lost friends and jobs because I have chosen to be open about who he is and who I am. But the way I figure it, you weren't my friend if you can't accept that I'm happy and be happy for me. And as for jobs...I was looking when I got that one. I won't say that it hasn't been hard sometimes, but I don't ever lose any sleep over it. In the long run...the choice and decision are yours and yours alone. I think that keeping it from your roommates for that long would be a tough thing. I have often been pleasantly surprised at the response I get. Take care of yourself and be strong. You're in my prayers and I got your back Sister! ...... wow...... that's more than I've volunteered in awhile but thought it might help. At least I hope so.

.........Deni aka CJ

Quote:
Originally Posted by kendra425 View Post
This has been a recent argument between lifer and I and I finally broke down and told all my room mates about my lifer against my better judgment because he kept accusing me of being "ashamed" of him because I didn't want to tell people about him. I just didn't want to hear the well intended advice of "you need to dump him and cut off all ties" because "he'll have another pen-pal tomorrow" and "he's just using you, that's what they all do" blah blah blah... I told lifer now I have to hear it and do I need people negatively telling me to give up on my love? Isn't this hard enough without the critisism from the people I live with? So I'm going to ask the group. (I've already told and am already regreting it!) What do the rest of you think?
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  #9  
Old 06-14-2010, 06:09 PM
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(((((Deni))))) (((((Kendra)))))
...nuff said.
-I just love y'all (all) so much!
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kendra425 View Post
This has been a recent argument between lifer and I and I finally broke down and told all my room mates about my lifer against my better judgment because he kept accusing me of being "ashamed" of him because I didn't want to tell people about him. I just didn't want to hear the well intended advice of "you need to dump him and cut off all ties" because "he'll have another pen-pal tomorrow" and "he's just using you, that's what they all do" blah blah blah... I told lifer now I have to hear it and do I need people negatively telling me to give up on my love? Isn't this hard enough without the critisism from the people I live with? So I'm going to ask the group. (I've already told and am already regreting it!) What do the rest of you think?
I have fought this same battle and have sat down and explained to my loved one the negativity one experiences out here when they hear you are with someone incarcerated for life. It is very hard and fortunately my loved one does understand this. I too heard the "ashamed of him" thoughts, but he realized that he was feeling that way and realized it was not me who was ashamed. People can unfortunately be very nasty and I personally choose to keep that part of my life seperate, although it is very hard at times. You do want to share with others when you are happy and even when you are sad and missing him. It is a terrible and lonely feeling at times, but I personally would rather deal with it on my own then dealing with the negative comments. Hang in there and you will be fine. Sorry to hear your roommates could not be more accepting.
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Old 06-15-2010, 03:03 AM
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I don't think you're doing anything wrong and it has nothing to do with being ashamed of him. You just met this people, just moved in, you're still in the getting to know each other stage with the roommates. I should wait until they know you and you kind of get an idea of how they might respond.
I think inside it's different, the guys can talk amongst each other, but they are all inside. Don't mean it disrespectful here, but it's a reality. On the outside the cards are different. Most people will stereotype people in prison as well as there relationships. that has nothing to do with being ashamed or not. the situation, you moved and everything which comes with it is already pretty difficult on you, without making things worse then they are. The both of you have arguments, yeah sure on this one, I do think he should try to see this from your point of view as well. You've heard the comments from ignorant outsiders before and are not looking for more of those. Is that all that wrong? i don't think so. you're trying to get your life together, and just don't need all that needless crap. when time is right you can tell them. I don't think it's right to force people to tell things when they don't feel like the time is right to do so.

Just my 2 cents (or what's that expression lol)
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Old 06-15-2010, 04:15 AM
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I think it should be your choice. It doesn't in my opinion mean your ashamed of him. It's just some people we just know are so closed minded and do you really want to discuss things with such closed minded people. It's your choice and don't let anyone push you one way or the other. I myself am one of those people I live my life and if people don't like my choices then tough, but on the other hand I really can't be bothered discussing my choices with people who just never will understand. What would be the point. That's just my way and my opinion though you must live life how and in a way that you both are happy and not worry about what others think. I wish you the best of luck. Your house sharers may be well meaning but you also must tell them to stay out of your choices when it suits you too. I don't say that in a critical way either just that these are the kinds of things we encounter when we have husbands/wives, friends and loved ones in prison, and the longer you tread that road the more water off a ducks back you become. It's about trying to deal with things and still go along living your lives happy and as best you can.

Last edited by Mayone; 06-15-2010 at 04:17 AM..
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  #13  
Old 06-16-2010, 11:04 AM
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Well the whole thing has just broken down beyond repair and I'm going back to Iowa. I will have to stay in my tent for a while until I find a place to live, but hey, it's summer time so it could be worse right?
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