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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 10-16-2017, 12:00 PM
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DangerzGirl DangerzGirl is offline
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Default After 8 years of waiting

Hi, so I have occasionally posted thru the years while I was waiting for my husband and I think I posted about how he was doing after his release. When he was locked up (16yrs, the last 8 of which we were together) he was the center of almost everything I did. I visited him every weekend when he was in prisons within a 4 hour driving distance and twice a month when I had to fly to SoCal. When he had cell phones we talked continuously. When he didn't I made sure I always answered his calls. I think in 8 years I only missed 2 phone calls. Thru all of that I wrote him daily, going to great lengths to make him feel connected to what I was doing. Finding ways to make the mail more interesting etc... I don't know how many times I went up against CDCR on his behalf quoting the title 15 the whole time (it was like a Bible.) I sent his packages, put money on his books and even befriended & helped his family out here. When he would go to the hole I wrote even more. Sent chess board stationary so we could play thru the mail and sent origami paper to give him something to do. We studied for his ged thru the mail everything. You name it, I did it. Upon release he started working within a few weeks and has continued to do so for the last year and half. We did things like rafting, skiing, camping etc... With our circle of friends. Who were a few couples of which he had known the husband's since childhood. He took pride in doing the yard work etc... 11 yr old daughter plays water polo so we drove back and forth to SoCal for tournaments etc... His 20 yr old daughter would come stay over all the time. Like happy family. Not that we didn't fight, we did, and he couldn't control his fist on more than one occasion (so yeah I'm better off I know) but for the first year things were pretty good. Then about 6 or 7 months ago it started changing. Like he'd say mean things to his daughter and it was like his friends & their cars & beer were priority over the rest of us. He seemed to appreciate nothing but felt a sense of entitlement to everything. He'd be super polite to everyone but snap at me about anything so eventually I stopped going to BBQs etc... I tried to talk to him about it and sometimes he'd seem to get what I was saying but nothing would change. His favorite line "change doesn't happen overnight" but it seemed like it had. A few months ago his daughter stopped coming over all together. I still talk to her and in fact I'll see her this weekend but she doesn't want anything to do with him. His attitude about it is like whatever she's being a bi#@#$. And it's like no ur the grown up she's your daughter, you make the effort. But he doesn't. The few text he's sent her if not answered right away are followed by rude remarks. It's crazy. So 3 months ago I find out I'm pregnant. Totally not planned. He'd wanted kids but I was like look were almost 40, I don't want to start the whole thing over etc... Lots of reasons. He was ok with it but when nieces or other friends would get pregnant it would make him kind of depressed. So I find out I'm pregnant and at first I thought no way I'm not doing this. I talked to the doctor but then same day changed my mind. It'll be my last baby and last time experiencing all the things like their little fingers holding yours etc... So I'm ok with it. He was moderately excited. Didn't really seem to register. He was more interested in the 78 Camaro he's working on with his friends. So we get in an argument 2 weeks ago over all his free time being spent at the garage messing with the car. He leaves. That's it. He wouldn't answer my calls for a week and then he's only text or called to get rude with me. I took him all his work clothes and left with his sister. He wanted me to drop all his other stuff off and give him one of the cars. Cars in my name I paid for it. He just drove it. He says because he can't keep driving the Camaro. So because I said no I was all kinds of terrible things. To top it off he's talking/seeing this ex from like 20 years ago. I tried to explain (through my total shock and heart break) that I owe u nothing. I'm not dropping anything off or signing anything over. His reply was "now I see what kind of person you really are" lol really? Well I wish I had seen what kind of person you were years ago! So because I would wait for his calls then be upset when he was rude I changed my number. I mean it's over and I get that. I also know as much as it hurts, it won't hurt forever. But I still go through most of the days in a mild state of shock that so much could mean so little. It hurts incredibly, but less today than yesterday. I have never experienced feeling so betrayed and sometimes when I think of all the hours, letters, miles etc... I can almost hate him. Mostly though it just hurts. Again it will hurt less as time goes on but I don't think I'll ever understand it. Anyways I guess I just wanted to share that with someone. It feels better being able to express what I've been feeling. I feel ashamed and embarrassed as well, like how did I not see this or something? I don't know. But I do know that I feel better now than I did yesterday. A little less lost every day.
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Old 10-16-2017, 12:23 PM
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You probably don't want to hear that you're better off, but, sweetie... you're so much better off! I am so sorry that your heart is broken, but it will heal. The heart doesn't care about right or wrong, but I want you to know that you were not wrong. You loved him, and it seems that you were fiercely dedicated to him. He wasn't deserving of all that you gave. He will mourn his loss soon enough. I hope that you learn to embrace your freedom.
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Old 10-16-2017, 12:24 PM
xolady xolady is offline
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OMG what a jerk he is!! I'm so sorry I don't even know what to say because if it was me I'd be heart broken and devestated. I am not even sure what to say except I admire your strength and god willing you will stay strong and healthy. I wish the best for you and your baby!!
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Old 10-16-2017, 01:29 PM
D.Sullivan D.Sullivan is offline
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All your help in prison merely fed his sense of entitlement. It also signalled to him that you will do anything he wants.
After being released he felt a growing sense of self entitlement with huge dose of jealousy,felt he was deserving of the best beers,the best classic cars and every other thing his friends had worked for. Except he felt you were somehow holding him back. He's got mental health issues imho .

I also noticed your signature- sometimes no matter the help a man is given or the opportunities he's exposed to there's no molding them to fit any ideal.

He's hit you with his fists many times I'm sure. He was also willing to pay huge amounts for an illegal cell phone while locked up, it just seems this man was never any woman's ideal. With a pregnancy to protect from his fists and temper you're very lucky he left.

Congratulations on your baby AND on loosing that tremendously horrible excuse for a man.

Last edited by D.Sullivan; 10-16-2017 at 01:32 PM..
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:22 PM
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I can only say I am so very sorry this happened l, it's painful and devastating. i hope your heart heals soon and you can move forward. Share as much as you need to share here, I hope you also have a support network in your life that you can lean on as well. Leaving a bad relationship still hurts but it's so much better in the other side!!! Keep your head up girl!!!!
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:24 PM
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I'm so sorry you're having to face this, and being pregnant on top of it all. You deserve happiness. I'm sorry he wasn't what you expected. Why do they change like that? Maybe he wants to go back to prison, because at this rate, I bet he will go back. Please protect you and your unborn child. Its not you, its him. Be safe.
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:29 PM
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I understand your disappointment, you give it all, you wait, you feel betrayed. You give everything you have, especially from inside and then to be left in this way is not nice. But unfortunately this is also the case in any relationship when someone separates. It seems like you are a very strong woman. You will now have a lot of time to direct the energy to you. To see yourself as a center again. It is painful and disappointing, but these wounds will heal each day a bit more. If there is no common future for you both! Then I wish you much strength. Talking about your own feelings is a strength. Even though it takes time, the sun will shine. You are rational and emotional, so you do not lose sight of the essentials. Wishing you all the best.My respect, you are strong. Greetings, Nick

Last edited by mauri23; 10-16-2017 at 02:31 PM..
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Old 10-16-2017, 03:01 PM
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You will feel better soon and when you do you will realize that this toxic relationship and this selfish man where stopping you from moving on in life and finding real love and stability. Use this anger to stop you ever going back and dont look back. Do all it takes to get through these painful days , they wont last. I wish you and the baby all the very best.
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Old 10-16-2017, 03:19 PM
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People can only put on a show for so long. It sounds like his cracks started showing some time ago, but you weren't ready to see him for what he was. And that's okay - it's a process and it takes time.

But now you can look back on all the signs that he was no good for you and hold onto them while you move toward your future. It's not about either of you anymore - it's about that awesome bundle of joy you're growing, and he deserves so much better than your ex has to give. And so do you

I know it hurts. I wish you the best.
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Old 10-16-2017, 06:23 PM
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Can you say what he was in for? Was he a violent offender?
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Old 10-23-2017, 04:42 PM
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Sorry you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing your story
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Old 10-23-2017, 10:51 PM
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I just think it’s important for all women with men in prison, especially those in MWI relationships, to keep uppermost in their mind that their man is in a tightly-controlled environment, and that the relationship they have while he’s incarcerated will not necessarily be a blueprint for the life they’ll have once he’s released. He can’t physically hurt you for a good reason .. he’s locked up and under the watchful eyes of prison staff. And it’s to his advantage to give you “prison talk” .. it gives him companionship of sorts, sometimes a sexual outlet, helps the time go by more pleasantly, and in some cases keeps him fed and comfortable .. no small things to someone cut off from the free world.
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Old 10-24-2017, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna7 View Post
I just think it’s important for all women with men in prison, especially those in MWI relationships, to keep uppermost in their mind that their man is in a tightly-controlled environment, and that the relationship they have while he’s incarcerated will not necessarily be a blueprint for the life they’ll have once he’s released. He can’t physically hurt you for a good reason .. he’s locked up and under the watchful eyes of prison staff. And it’s to his advantage to give you “prison talk” .. it gives him companionship of sorts, sometimes a sexual outlet, helps the time go by more pleasantly, and in some cases keeps him fed and comfortable .. no small things to someone cut off from the free world.
very true, thank you!
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Old 10-24-2017, 08:32 AM
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Im so sorry this worked out this way.
Its unfortunate that it took so long for him to show who he really is.

Im glad you are feeling better each day.
Good for you for sticking to your guns about the cars. Bull crap. you want a car dude, go get one.
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