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Loving a Lifer For those whose loved one is serving a life sentence.

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Old 10-26-2019, 07:52 AM
RaeLR RaeLR is offline
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Default There are days when I long to have him beside me

Sometimes it's difficult to see all the release dates here and the excitement! Don't get me wrong, I am so, so, happy for these folks, although I know they have plenty of work ahead. I will never have that and I am mostly okay with it. But there are days when I long to have him beside me, especially on one of "those" weeks when things get hectic out here. I have trained myself not to long but every once in awhile... Then he calls and says something like "You are my world" and my heart melts and I remember why he is worth it.
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Old 10-26-2019, 10:26 AM
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That would be a tough thing to deal with. I feel for you. I'm glad you both have each other. It's great you see a positive in your relationship.
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Old 10-26-2019, 01:38 PM
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Aww, I hope you've heard his voice or received a letter since posting this, that always helps sooth these moments, at least it does for me.

I have a new workout partner at the gym, someone I had met in the past in passing here and there... he's a blessing, I am toning up so much faster than before. Anyhow, he sees me wearing a wedding band now where as back when we ran into each-other last, I wasn't sporting one. I nonchalantly told him about my husband and the more he asked questions the more frightened his facial expressions would get, lol.

Hubby's been on lockdown for over a week and though I am internally a mad mess, externally I maintain, it's rough living that way. You probably live very similarly....in a state of constant connection regardless of distance, space and time without contact. For me, it's as though nothing at all stands in the way of that connection. I smile then cry about it and then end up giggling while crying in a thanks to the universe that he is apart of my life.... our freedom in distance creates a bizarre closeness, that I also experience with my female best friend living in Canada and Gemma who I met on here in 2008, she lives in London. I suppose distance, time and space are things I get along with well. ??

So my new workout partner asks me, why marry the guy and why stay with someone with a life sentence, how do you live? Without hesitation I replied "he's human like you & he is a great man regardless of what he did to land him a life term.... imagine for yourself in that position, wouldn't you be a much more broken man without love and support?" I could see the answer come through his eyes before shaking his head and saying, "yes, I would!"... I drove home in tears, not sad... but thankful, because I am just as much gift to my husband as he is to me, and I know it is difficult for outsiders to understand. I do my best to help them see it in a perspective they can imagine it, then it's felt and somewhat understood... the way folks like us understand.

Hope you'll have a smooth rest of today; eat your favorite foods, walk under the sun or under the moon while daydreaming / reminiscing, watch some of your favorite films or a new one and or pour your heart out to your lifer, to us or just on paper, for yourself. ((hugs))

~ Loving a lifer


Last edited by 408MoonGem; 10-26-2019 at 01:43 PM..
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Old 10-26-2019, 03:29 PM
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I get you, I have those days as well even though he's progressing as to making his way outside at some point (he's in minimum now). BUT... I'm living across the Atlantic so I feel detached a lot - none's fault but it is what it is. Sometimes it helps me to write to him, get things off my chest without trying to make him feel "guilty" but in the end... nothing helps but a lot of prayers, perseverance and being good to oneself
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Old 10-26-2019, 04:26 PM
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It’s a bumpy road for them and you. My older sibling who’s been in since 6/84 and I aren’t speaking or corresponding at all. I’m of the opinion he’s not getting out. He comes up again in December, but the victim was a federal witness and there is a considerable amount of pressure applied by the District Attorney in the county he was prosecuted as well as a victim’s rights group that actually shows up in person to protest. The victim’s family has also made a strong effort to protest his chance at parole.
Our relationship has been up and down from the very beginning, but since the middle of last year his attitude and comments have been consistently toxic. I said something to him about it and he said “don’t ever write back” so …have it your way. I sent him $25.00 in June which for me is about average for me considering I have my own issues to contend with to do housing and finding a steady job. I was also giving his daughter a little money to get by on in that same time frame here in Ft. Worth. Now, both of them are out of sight and out of mind. To be honest about it, I’m glad of it in a sad way. When it comes to loving a lifer, there can be some extreme side effects that don’t come about with those that do less time on sentence.
Some lifers accept their fate at some point and because of that something in terms of a relationship can be built upon, but if that does not happen it can be hell. Others cannot or will not come to grips with their situation and most often, it’s the family and loved ones on the outside that bear the brunt of the blows where verbal abuse, head games, resentment, bitterness, efforts to sabotage other relationships among family members can be common place.
I don’t say this to be hateful or indifferent to any of you that are wives or girlfriends, but…..if all else fails you can move on with your lives and find another soul mate when things get to the point that they are hopeless. When kids are involved, that’s different, but if you don’t have children by any of these guys then, you have the option of getting out of the relationship. For those of us such as myself…….it is what it is and what it is for me is that as long as he’s locked up, I’ll be locked up in a way that I don’t deserve to be nor know what the hell to do about except to accept the situation as it is for the time being. Most of the time, he’s a pain in the #ss that I have to hold at bay bearing in mind that he’s been down a long time and much of what led to his choices and examples to follow as a kid were beyond bad. In a way, it’s not his fault. He’s a prime example of someone that was physically abused if not brutalized at times as a little boy and for that reason alone I can’t give up on him. He’s 7 years older than me, but in many ways I am and often have been the bigger brother. If there is God in heaven that grants mercy then, when the hell is he to be granted his.
Still, among the attitudes and latitudes of those that play God in the capacity of parole board members all across the United States, mercy ain’t got nothing to do with it. It’s to do with politics and keeping the general public safe & happy. He looks like a monster when you see him in person. He’s 66 years old and if he walked up on you right now, it’d scare the hell out of you. One of his eyes was destroyed in a severe beating prior to the offense he committed when he was pistol whipped by someone he was at odds with. Along with that, he has tattoos on his face so………he’s faced with a difficult situation.
At least you’re on good terms with the lifer in your life because just now and since August I’m not with mine. As bad as I hate to say it, when we hate each other enough not to communicate……it’s the only peace that’s truly afforded and it’ll probably be that way until one of us dies.
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Old 10-26-2019, 10:37 PM
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Moon Gem, that is so beautiful. I got two calls from him today and it just gave me joy. I told him he was everything and he told me I was the only thing. There is a calmness to the relationship now that I have learned to "hear" what's behind the tough guy words and he is learning to communicate more openly. I totally get what you mean about a transcending love because we work at that. It is really the only way to develop a true relationship in or out, but especially in these circumstances. I tell people who don't understand that he is the man who called to my soul and there never really was a choice because no one else had that pull on me. He might be in prison for life but he is an intelligent, strong person who has learned amazing coping skills. I keep the little nugget (he groans when I say this) in his soul alive. I am busy working on his Christmas countdown stuff this weekend and it makes me happy. I try to give him surprises all month in December and it is so fun. Every man needs a good woman to make life more interesting)))
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Old 10-26-2019, 10:45 PM
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Did you all know that there are 53,000 prisoners serving life without in America right now and their suicide rate is through the roof. They have to psychologically deal with the fact that society has determined they are irredeemable for decades after the crime happened. In other words, no matter how hard they work at it, they can never be redeemed. Life without mercy is just that. My LO says that I am hope. I believe it. He is loved and helped with a sense of purpose. In a dark world that is a ray of light. He tells me almost every day what a blessing I am in one way or another. I admire the hell out of the fact that he has found a way to be as content at possible in there. To deal with the quiet knot of despair in the pit of his soul. He will die alone in there except for care provided by other prisoners. But his heart and soul will never be alone, that I CAN do.
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Old 10-27-2019, 10:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RaeLR View Post
I keep the little nugget (he groans when I say this) in his soul alive. Every man needs a good woman to make life more interesting)))
LOL @ little nugget! I call my husband Kitten or Princess ((when he's acting territorial, bent or just to get under his skin... I have to hit him with some nerve sometimes)) OMG it's hilarious!!

Have a blast putting together your mans Christmas Count Down project, how exciting... he's going to love it!
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Old 10-27-2019, 12:40 PM
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Mine is so macho and grew up on the streets and can't admit to any weakness. So, he is very fun to tease because it confuses the hell out of him. He can't figure out whether he should feel insulted or complimented. We went through rough times for awhile because of his street ways of treating women and now he tries to be very careful about what he says and does around me. The other day he said, "You are my little tyrant," to which I replied, "Well, I have never thought of myself as a tyrant..." He replied, "When you set your foot down, it's down. And I respect that," which I thought was interesting given that he has been mad as hell at me when I drew boundaries. We went five months without talking during one of those times. However, now that the bullshit is getting put aside, he can be real, although talking about the things that bother him remains difficult. He very much wants to keep things smooth and calm, no big ups or downs with this sentence because his soul is too tired after 29 years to cope with unnecessary stress. I tell him that expectations and disappointments are part of life and need to be acknowledged. That we share them and find a way to deal with the challenges together. He teaches me to stay calm and prioritize things. But it is fun to rock that boat a little in a good way. Christmas is that time for me and I make it crazy! He never knows what to expect. I tell him he is a spoiled brat and he growls. Giant marshmallow)))
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