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Old 02-08-2018, 08:07 PM
char_hart80 char_hart80 is offline
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Default False Domestic Violence accusations / taking responsibility.

I felt the need to share, as I have noticed that there are a few woman here who maybe afraid to speak up about there BF/GF, Husband/Wife, Fiancee or significant other, especially if they may have been falsely accused of DV, and or something more serious ... and even with the case dropped and charges not filed and so forth, it can still follow them around especially when child custody comes into it, and for many other reasons.

My boyfriend's ex is how all his legal troubles started. When we first met he wanted to be honest with me about his past, so that I wouldn't worry and or second guess anything. My boyfriend’s ex gf and mother of his daughter originally filed DV on him, and according to the documents during an argument, he left the room to go to the bathroom and did not realize she was so close behind him, he went to into the bathroom and slammed the door which ultimately broke her nose. He quickly reopened the door, and called 911. His ex claimed he had punched her, which of course he denied, and the police noticed the blood on the bathroom door and a witness (friend of his ex gf), stating that he did not lay a hand on her nor any physical violence, (doubt there friends anymore.) Police took everyone’s statements, and during this process she filed a restraining order on him and after all that the police noticed her history of false accusations on her ex husband, and of course there was no evidence of him hitting her nose, and of course the evidence of the blood on the bathroom door and witness testimony. So they dropped the case.

Turns out, she has a history of reporting false abuse claims for not only my boyfriend, but also her ex husband, and she seems to only do it whenever they had planned to leave her, which that night when they had their argument was when he was packing to leave her because she had been hitting him and threatening him that if he left she would call the police and tell them that he abuses her and even threatened that he would never see his daughter ever again and she would make certain of that.

Ultimately, he was arrested for violating a restraining order she had on him, and he admits it and admits it was extremely stupid on his part because now he can't see his daughter, he said in his mind he was fighting to see his daughter and wanted to do what it took to see her, and he paid for that and got one year in prison. During that time he did go to therapy and did get help so that when he was released he could see his daughter again and to possibly make arrangements to get shared custody. This of course didn't happen, he then got mad at the whole system and what his ex was doing to him by causing all these barriers so that he couldn't see his child. He cut of his ankle bracelet, sent it back to the state and tried to commit suicide, because he felt he had no other options, he wasn't allowed to see his daughter and he felt that his ex would constantly create issues so that he would never see his child and or to even have a shot in life because of the legal battles and is having to constantly fight. Obviously he didn't follow through with it, because a fellow friend he met in prison came over and talked him down. After all that though, he ended up violating parole, and was sent back. The second violation wasn't related to that, this time round was for other issues in relation to his prior parole officer, and a mess up with his interstate compact, to which he is also partially at fault for, which is another thing he is taking responsibility for.

He's been in contact with the ACFC (American Coalition for fathers and children,) and has been researching other fathers advocacy groups like, Fathers For Equal Rights, and when he's released (in 90 days) he is going to seek legal help with getting shared custody of his daughter. We just have to save the money for an attorney and try and figure out how to get it all started. One step at a time.

Point is ... when you have been falsely accused of something you did not do, and you have the one thing you truly love torn away from you, being your child, you do whatever it takes. And in my boyfriends case, he went around it completely wrong, he even admits that, he's taking responsibility for his actions with violating a restraining order, and his parole issues and such, and is paying for those dearly.

Though now he has a better support system, he's been getting help for his depression and learning how to cope when under duress (and no not violence, his is shutting down completely.)

If I sound like I am a victim, to which I am not, all because I happen to be standing up for a man who was falsely accused of DV, then by all means make that assumption.

All I have witnessed and seen is a broken human being who happens to be a man who was the victim of abuse both emotionally and physically.

Just felt the need to share that with everyone, see it how ever you wish and feel free to share your story, to vent, or share whatever you like, I would love to read others experiences with this.
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Old 02-08-2018, 09:20 PM
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Did he not report the ex for domestic violence? Even after she accused him? Men can most definitely be the abused party in a relationship...and men are very often reluctant to report it
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Old 02-08-2018, 10:10 PM
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Did he not report the ex for domestic violence? Even after she accused him? Men can most definitely be the abused party in a relationship...and men are very often reluctant to report it
No, not that I know of. From what I have read and from what he has said to me, only time he said anything about her physically and emotionally abusing him was the evening it all started with her accusing him of hitting her. Mind you before all this happened, he never been to prison or had any priors, a clean record. From what he's told me, he found out after that, that her ex husband had reported her for DV and had put a restraining order out on her, though she won in the end and managed to get a lawyer who happens to be apart of some battered woman's group or something to that affect and pretty much got away with it. What I find heartbreaking, is that this woman is not only abusing man, but she is abusing the system, which in turn makes it harder and harder for genuine woman who are actually going through DV to seek the help they need. My bf did talk to some legal area about this, not sure who exactly, but it looks like it may have been ignored and nothing done about it. Right now though, we are going to focus on him getting this PV stuff done with, so we can focus on then him getting a job, and saving money for an attorney so he can get to see his daughter.
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Old 02-08-2018, 11:58 PM
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The bathroom story sounds fishy. I realize that there are exceptions to this rule, especially when the interior arrangement of rooms inside a building is changed after the fact. However, as a general rule, a building's main door is supposed to open outwards so people can leave if there is a fire, but interior doors open inward (i.e. you pull it towards you and an open door stays inside the room). This is what makes the story so suspicious.

According to this rule, while he entered the bathroom, the door would have been inside the bathroom. She would have been outside. When he closed the door, it wouldn't have touched her. He couldn't have slammed the door on her face if she was in the bathroom all the way either. If, however, he tried to slam the door just as she was entering, her body would have blocked the door, so how could he have hit the door hard enough and from a sufficient distance to hit her nose?
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Old 02-09-2018, 07:27 AM
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Also... sentenced to prison time for a restraining order violation? What did he do to her whilst violating that order? I know it seems like we’re picking your story apart, but I don’t think you were given all the facts about this situation. It sounds like boyfriend has put some spin on the story to make it sound favorable to him... but I’m willing to bet the actual details are quite different.

I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss her charges as false. Also, by all means if he was battered by her then he should report it.
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Old 02-09-2018, 08:43 AM
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Also... sentenced to prison time for a restraining order violation? What did he do to her whilst violating that order? I know it seems like we’re picking your story apart, but I don’t think you were given all the facts about this situation. It sounds like boyfriend has put some spin on the story to make it sound favorable to him... but I’m willing to bet the actual details are quite different.

I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss her charges as false. Also, by all means if he was battered by her then he should report it.
Why ARE you picking her story apart? You absolutely can get prison time for violating a restraining order.

Can you go to jail for violating a restraining order?

The penalties depend greatly on the terms of the violation and the state enforcing the violation, but in most states, a violation of a restraining order is charged as a misdemeanor. However even as a misdemeanor, the penalties can still reach up to $5000 in fines, and up to a year in jail in some states.


https://family-law.freeadvice.com/fa...iolation03.htm

Listen, she’s not in a court of law and shared her story to raise awareness that sometimes someone is accused falsely, not to be questioned about her boyfriends case. Inevitably the DV case was dropped so why try to convict him here?
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Old 02-09-2018, 10:46 AM
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Why ARE you picking her story apart?
Jail is not prison, for one thing... but pedantics.

I’m a DV survivor and it’s tough to see someone’s DV story get dismissed as “false”, especially when the details don’t quite line up. Especially when the OP seems dismissive of many DV victims’ stories.

I have concerns for HER... because abusers don’t generally stop being abusers. This guy’s story doesn’t pass the sniff test, and her defense statement “nope, I’m not a victim, definitely not” is alarming to me.

/edited to add...

A conviction is nice, but no conviction doesn’t mean there was no abuse. A DV conviction is damn hard to get in some places. I testified 3 different occasions before a grand jury and three different incidents before my ex husband was convicted of anything... and those were just the three times that were bad enough that he was arrested. It doesn’t take into account hundreds of incidents of less physically damaging incidents or the times I just didn’t call the cops. Even after the conviction, I spent more time in the hospital than he ultimately spent in jail. A conviction or lack there of means precisely f*ck all in the world of DV.
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Old 02-09-2018, 08:07 AM
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Moreover, even if it's hard to slam that door while closing it from inside the bathroom, it could simply mean that she was in the bathroom close enough to be hit by the door and he tried to barge in. People tend to lock the door, but he could have done it before she even had time to do it or he could have hit the door hard enough to break it (usually, it's not very solid, especially in modern buildings using flimsy doors). We can't know things like that.
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Old 02-09-2018, 09:08 AM
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Personally, it is her, not him, I had suspected of lying (simply because of that technical detail about bathroom doors) when I made my initial comment, although we can't know, one way or another. I could almost imagine my bathroom and how one would come in and another's body would just get in the way if the person inside wants to slam the door. I just couldn't see it happening.
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Old 02-09-2018, 09:14 AM
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They don't just give out restraining orders randomly. So yes he had to do something to convince a judge there was one needed. Plus he admittedly violated it, knowing the consequences. Custody and domestic violence now that's a whole other can of worms. I hope he gets his visitation back but from experience he should know to stop claiming innocence in all this.JMO He should have an attorney not the new girl friend advocating for him. Not blaming you or anyone I believe he may be innocent but he didn't have enough self control to stay away from the situation and that shows a distinct lack of regard for the law. I'm not siding with the he must be guilty side but after all this he needs to be aware he looks bad from an outside view.
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:58 AM
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I understand why everyone would decide to pick my post apart, and I understand that everyone would make the assumption that it's all lies. Though that is the risk of assumptions. Then I made the assumption that posting this in the hopes that maybe someone may be in a similar situation may want to share there experiences also, but I am wrong, and I guess this is what happens when you post in a public forum about this type of situation. It is an extremely sensitive subject, and that I do understand that.

I am not here to judge, nor am I here to make assumptions of anything other then what I read in the court papers. As for the restraining order, she had placed a, "Protection from Stalking". He violated this order more then once because he wanted to see his daughter (this was both by going to the house and by phone), and because he had violated that, he was convicted with a felony and that resulted in a 12 month sentence.

Again I am only going on from what I have read, so you have every right to not believe me, or believe my bf for that matter, and pick and choose what you have read.

As for the door, I have know idea on the layout of the place they lived in because I have never been there before and I wasn't even around when any of this took place. Only defense I have is what I originally posted and what I read in the documents.

I know that know matter what I say it won't make the slightest bit of difference, because everyone here seems to have already made there minds up about me and what I have posted, all I can tell you is that my bf hasn't abused me in any way shape or form (roll your eyes or instantly call bullshit if you like), he's never raised a hand at me, never mentally abused me, and of course in any relationship it does come with the typical trials and tribulations. My ex husband lives on the other side of the building because it is easier for our children and with shared custody, my ex and I are still good friends and I know for a fact that if he felt I was in a abusive relationship I am pretty damn sure he would make it known that it wouldn't continue, especially with our children involved.

Writing/typing a post on someone else's experience, especially when we were not there to experience it with them, or witness the exact play for play moment, of course it is going to sound a little fishy or something to that effect, and worse of its about someone being falsely accused of DV and to make it 100% far worse, its a man who was falsely accused of this.

So, I could see and understand how this could come of as a false story, and or my bf has tricked me into believing this story some how, or that the papers he gave me to read were bullshit and he had to have gotten away with it some how. And by giving me those papers to read, was his way showing me that he had nothing to hide, and so that I could decide for myself if I wish to continue a relationship with him, and him not trying to convince me to stay with him, or begging me or using any type of emotional abuse. I think it takes allot of guts to do that, on anyone's behalf especially if you risk losing someone you really like.

I'm sorry if I sound like a victim here, or trying to have everyone feel bad for him or anything along those lines, I never intended for this post to be that way. But, if anything continues I will know now that I will never post anything like this again and share my personal life, vent about my personal life in these forums again. I will share other experiences that I have so far with being in love with a inmate, and other experiences with the prison/jail system, but I will not post anything about his personal life altering situation with his felony conviction and I will ask to have this post deleted. He knows what this has resulted in, he knows he did wrong with violating the restraining order and he admits he did wrong by that and did his time for it also.

Edited to add** i don't understand how I was being, "dismissive of many DV victims’ stories," as dismissive would mean that I was being snide, or showing that DV victims are unworthy to that effect. Could you please elaborate on that, as I don't see how my post came across that way, considering my intention was to post about false accusations, as this does happen to both man and woman, and how it almost took someones life because of one incident and how it turned a persons life around fully, this person had zero criminal history and zero history of any violence...only thing he wanted was to see his daughter.

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Old 02-10-2018, 04:29 AM
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It is a sensitive subject, and folks who have been abused carry that with them forever. Even so, I'm sorry you were offended by some of the posted replies. I hope there were also some helpful responses too.
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Old 02-10-2018, 07:55 AM
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Hi OP You didn't offend me at all but I also can be very tough skinned. I for one can see where you being the new girlfriend want to defend him, but I also have been the victim of DV and the abuser generally manipulates the system people and everyone to believe them. It's a basic pattern of abuser's when accused, not saying your boy friend isn't right and X was the abuser. Also the stalking just another thing abusers do, that's why the penalty for violating a r.o. is so high. He's actually feeding the belief that he's the dangerous one, not her. That's why it's hard to believe his story. I am sorry if he is innocent of abuse, he is showing some signs of aggressive behavior and your not seeing it in this light. He needs to get some therapy and so do you to even understand how abusers work. Good luck and I hope you have a great life with him.
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Old 02-10-2018, 08:14 AM
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Oh, the number of new girl friends who get all ugly about the women supposedly persecuting the "crazy" ex. He's such a good guy. Not a violent bone in his body. She's just jealous. She's just psycho. She's just vindictive. She's just ugly.

She got him busted. She got him a felony. He took the felony because he was being nice.

He'd never actually do anything.

He just didn't know what to do, so he stalked her. He was depressed. He was intoxicated. He just wanted to see his kid.

You, OP, are coming in here with the stereotypical defense of her boyfriend (who would never hurt anybody! She's crazy! ), completely not understanding how offensive your understanding of your bf's story is. You are feeding into the same old b.s. Stereotypes that cause people to dismiss claims because women lie. They are all liars. They exaggerate. They have men by the short hairs, know it, and use it to manipulate them because it takes nothing for a woman to get a conviction against a man (omg! Do you have any idea how many things are wrong with that assumption? Your assumption, btw).

Do victims make false allegations? Yes. But they are rare.
Has every victim of DV had to deal with somebody like you, OP, telling them exactly what,s what and how good their bf is, and how he'd never hurt anybody? Yes. All too often. It's much easier to manipulate you so that you never talk with any of his exes if you believe that he's a good guy and that to talk with his "psycho" ex will result in another stalking charge and more "innocent" prison time for him. You, coming in here, explaining exactly what we should know about false allegations is textbook Kool Aid drinker. The fact that you can't tell that it is inappropriate to come here and tell us, many of us female victims of DV, is just an indication of how little you know.

You want to buy into his story, and it's clear you are very invested in it already, fine. Don't come into a congregation of victims and the people who help them until you are ready to get out of that relationship because you sound exactly like his next victim, the quintessential next victim.

Some of the people here have walked in your shoes - totally believing that that a guy can go to prison for all these innocent, aw, melt your heart he wants to see his daughter, actions. It took them years to get out, too, after they were groomed into the perfect victim, accepting responsibility for his violence that's coming because your story of his story has all the earmarks of his next victim.

When you need to get out of this relationship, when you've been consigned to psycho bitch as he grooms his next girlfriend, then come back with your story. Your story, not his. Maybe then you'll understand just what sort of damage you coming in here, an apologist for him in an area where you are in fact victimizing victims again, has done to people who are raw with injury, who suffer PTSD from abuse, and who have had the new girlfriend already get up into their face asking why they are persecuting their man, and all the blah, blah, blah that highlight your story of his story.
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Old 02-10-2018, 08:48 AM
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Oh, the number of new girl friends who get all ugly about the women supposedly persecuting the "crazy" ex. He's such a good guy. Not a violent bone in his body. She's just jealous. She's just psycho. She's just vindictive. She's just ugly.

She got him busted. She got him a felony. He took the felony because he was being nice.

He'd never actually do anything.

He just didn't know what to do, so he stalked her. He was depressed. He was intoxicated. He just wanted to see his kid.

You, OP, are coming in here with the stereotypical defense of her boyfriend (who would never hurt anybody! She's crazy! ), completely not understanding how offensive your understanding of your bf's story is. You are feeding into the same old b.s. Stereotypes that cause people to dismiss claims because women lie. They are all liars. They exaggerate. They have men by the short hairs, know it, and use it to manipulate them because it takes nothing for a woman to get a conviction against a man (omg! Do you have any idea how many things are wrong with that assumption? Your assumption, btw).

Do victims make false allegations? Yes. But they are rare.
Has every victim of DV had to deal with somebody like you, OP, telling them exactly what,s what and how good their bf is, and how he'd never hurt anybody? Yes. All too often. It's much easier to manipulate you so that you never talk with any of his exes if you believe that he's a good guy and that to talk with his "psycho" ex will result in another stalking charge and more "innocent" prison time for him. You, coming in here, explaining exactly what we should know about false allegations is textbook Kool Aid drinker. The fact that you can't tell that it is inappropriate to come here and tell us, many of us female victims of DV, is just an indication of how little you know.

You want to buy into his story, and it's clear you are very invested in it already, fine. Don't come into a congregation of victims and the people who help them until you are ready to get out of that relationship because you sound exactly like his next victim, the quintessential next victim.

Some of the people here have walked in your shoes - totally believing that that a guy can go to prison for all these innocent, aw, melt your heart he wants to see his daughter, actions. It took them years to get out, too, after they were groomed into the perfect victim, accepting responsibility for his violence that's coming because your story of his story has all the earmarks of his next victim.

When you need to get out of this relationship, when you've been consigned to psycho bitch as he grooms his next girlfriend, then come back with your story. Your story, not his. Maybe then you'll understand just what sort of damage you coming in here, an apologist for him in an area where you are in fact victimizing victims again, has done to people who are raw with injury, who suffer PTSD from abuse, and who have had the new girlfriend already get up into their face asking why they are persecuting their man, and all the blah, blah, blah that highlight your story of his story.
Wow, that’s really a lot of “assumptions” on your part. I know you are highly regarded here on this forum but this post was really uncalled for. False allegations of domestic abuse and sexual abuse are not rare. It happens all the time. You know nothing about this woman and her relationship. She wanted to share what she is going though and basically everyone is calling her a liar. You went even further and accused her of triggering people’s PSTD by posting this and victimizing victims again!? Who’s sterotyping? You or her. You just assume, without knowing anything about the situation that he’s guilty. Why can’t he be one of the so called “rare” ones that are innocent? Doesn’t she deserve to have support too? Instead of support she gets people telling her that she basically an idiot for believing him. Unfortunately I think she’s learned her lesson and realizes that she isn’t going to get support here. It’s very sad.
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:05 AM
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Wow, that’s really a lot of “assumptions” on your part. I know you are highly regarded here on this forum but this post was really uncalled for. False allegations of domestic abuse and sexual abuse are not rare. It happens all the time. You know nothing about this woman and her relationship. She wanted to share what she is going though and basically everyone is calling her a liar. You went even further and accused her of triggering people’s PSTD by posting this and victimizing victims again!? Who’s sterotyping? You or her. You just assume, without knowing anything about the situation that he’s guilty. Why can’t he be one of the so called “rare” ones that are innocent? Doesn’t she deserve to have support too? Instead of support she gets people telling her that she basically an idiot for believing him. Unfortunately I think she’s learned her lesson and realizes that she isn’t going to get support here. It’s very sad.
Stalking is a crime where the victim feels threatened, he continued and this alone makes me doubt his full story, not the posters as she is just relating his story. I can see where she's becoming his victim also!!!
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:26 AM
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think she’s learned her lesson and realizes that she isn’t going to get support here. It’s very sad.
I’m not sure why you think it’s appropriate that she seek support in this particular section of the forum. She likely will have better luck in someplace like “wives and girlfriends” where people actually believe that false accusations of DV are the norm, not the exception.
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Old 02-10-2018, 09:53 AM
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I’m not sure why you think it’s appropriate that she seek support in this particular section of the forum. She likely will have better luck in someplace like “wives and girlfriends” where people actually believe that false accusations of DV are the norm, not the exception.
Of course. That must be it. Maybe the mods can move the post so she can get the appropriate support.
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Old 02-10-2018, 08:19 AM
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Im tending to believe his story about the door.
Its believable to me (especially with the ex husbands history with her)
And I agree with the op about false claims of abuse to gain something over the bf (most likely sole custody of child...her way or the highway)

Ive seen it as well.
Regardless.....the police decided not to go forward with that case.
However he did violate the restraining order.

To move forward....he should have ZERO contact with the ex gf. zero.
Not sure how he will be able to gain visits with the child but he's got a lot of work to do. First and foremost get thru parole/probation. Get a job.
If he ever does gain visits.....I'd suggest he have supervised visits. Only because I can see this woman accusing him of hurting the child.

I wish you all the best. How sad for the daughter. Very sad.

adding: Most WILL think you are being fooled. Its useless to try to convince them otherwise. If he ever does get visits, have the person who supervises NOT be you.
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Old 02-10-2018, 12:39 PM
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Hey, I'm a victim of DV, I'm an advocate on here, as most of you know, and I have 3 bathroom doors that all (ALL!) open inward. Easy to close the door on someone's face if you don't realize they're there.

As to the whole rest of it, if he wants to see his child, then go about it legally. Otherwise, he does come across as stalker-ish, and that's frightening. If he can't delay his wish to see his daughter, it's not going to get any better for him. You go by the rules or the rules will reach out and slap you silly, as he's now found out.
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Old 02-10-2018, 03:36 PM
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....and to clear the air, I moved the thread to the DV forum - the OP didn't post it here

I also believe her story. While male DV victims may be rare, its even rarer that they would report it.

And yes, I can also picture him slamming the bathroom door and her, hot on his heels, getting her nose smashed.

If you can't give someone the benefit of the doubt and provide support rather than tearing down, please find another thread. Thanks!
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Old 02-10-2018, 04:16 PM
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I originally did post this in wives and girlfriends, and the post was moved here.

He admits he did wrong by violating the restraining order, and he wasn't trying to see his ex, he wanted to see his child, and this happened back in 2014. He's not had any contact with his ex since 2014 when the violation of restraining order happened. He's been adamant about not having any contact with his ex because he does want to see his daughter and does not want to run the risk of any false allegations again from her.

When he has finished up everything with what he is doing now, he has been offered his old job back, and plans on doing everything right.

I NEVER wanted to paint him as a hero, or begging for sympathy votes, none of it. My intention was to originally share my story of being with this man for the course of a little over 18 months, with the ups and the downs, the bouts of depression and everything that he's been through with all this and not being able to see his daughter, and then finally coming through all of that and realizing he can fix this, so he can see his daughter and that he can have a some what of a normal life.

He said he will do anything to see his child, he has already been in contact with a couple of the fathers advocacy groups (like i said in my original post), because his goal is to have shared custody, he does not want to take his daughter away from her mother, not at all but he wants to do it right this time. He has already spoken with this parole officer about therapy groups, and if there were groups for dads who are in this situation, and what he needs to do to be able to arrange supervised visits.

And in all honesty, I am really disappointed with the way this post was portrayed and I guess text, or the way I had posted it was completely looked at in the wrong light.

Again I had posted this to share a life experience.

I honestly couldn't give a rats ass about his ex, never have and really still couldn't care less, I have no jealousy there towards her at all, and just because there is anger there between both her and my BF, doesn't mean I am out for blood towards her, I really don't know the woman and quite honestly I am being absolutely honest here because again I am human after all, from what I have read about her in the police reports and such, makes me nervous and I don't know if I would want to meet someone like that.

I don't believe I ever stated anything in my post about this:
Quote:
He's such a good guy. Not a violent bone in his body. She's just jealous. She's just psycho. She's just vindictive. She's just ugly. .
I mean anyone who falsely accuses someone of a very serious allegation has to have some sort of vindictiveness so to speak and clearly, protection orders that are meant to offer protection for those in serious situations, this woman used as a weapon, and this is not uncommon. Father advocasy groups have stated, "Protecting the rights of men and fathers for more than 25 years, attorneys have seen time and time again situations where there is absolutely no supporting evidence of abuse, yet a protection order will be issued that instantly changes the dynamic of the case." Cordell Cordell Protection Orders

But again, I shouldn't have to explain any of that because quite simply, I was simply posting a life experience, a persons experience of being falsely accused of DV and how there life immediately changed in the worse way possible, even with proof of innocence, and yes he isn't innocent ffs, he did violate a restraining order, AND he is changing that as we speak...NO he does not want to see or talk to his ex...AND he plans on working hard and doing what he can to fix this so he can see his daughter.

Say what you will about me by all means....I will end this here and I wish you all the best of luck and much love to you all.
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Old 02-10-2018, 05:49 PM
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For those of you who doubt that men are often victims, please read the STICKY at the top of the forum.

Men get hit a lot, get dissed a lot; women tend to get hit worse, but not more often. I had to do days of reading to gather all the statistics, but they're up there for anyone to read.
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Old 02-10-2018, 06:11 PM
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You want to be very, very careful of father's advocacy groups as many have a bad wrap, some very deservedly so, trying to couch domestic violence as courts against fathers. Women and children have died as a result. As a result, specific father's rights groups and the attorneys who advocate for them have a very difficult time in court.

What I was saying is about the, "not a violent bone in his body" is that your story of his story falls right smack dab in with all those common themes of new girlfriend and how they portray the old girlfriend. It is the same old, same old story.

To distinguish him from every other stalker in prison, he has to get therapy, obey the protective order that has apparently moved from emergency, through intermediate, and into plenary such that he's got a stalking wrap on him. In other words, he didn't respond to getting served, never went to court to fight the protective order at any of those stages, didn't hire an attorney to fight for him, didn't fight for reasonable visitation and joint custody, or anything like that. He needs to do that. He needs to start with obeying the OP, doing the classes recommended byDCFS, establishing his legal paternity, getting a support and visitation agreement in place, paying his support (and documenting it) and getting caught up on back support (and documenting it), getting notification of rights to records in with the child's PCP, school, and anything else that will produce records.

That he's in personal therapy - if he stays in it after the courts are off his back, perhaps he's different. But he needs to get in on the classes required by DCFS after he's established paternity.

Until he distinguishes himself from every other abuser who says, "I'm really the victim here. There was no abuse. She's crazy." He's going to be lumped in with them. And you are going to be looked at as just his next victim, one who has already drunk the Kool Aid.

And the courts and DCFS will go out of their way to protect her and the child in question.

(Oh, just appearing on the birth certificate isn't enough if he wasn't married to the woman. He needs to actually establish paternity which means a legal paternity test. He will need to have somebody with a lab or hospital scape his cheek, and the court will order the child be presented to a lab or hospital for the same reason. Further, once there is a visitation agreement in place, the child can be handed off without the parents violating a protective order. Had he gone through the court process for the emergency, intermediate, or plenary protective order, he would have found this out. Or, he could have just hired a family law attorney to do it for him.)

But, really, acknowledge that right now, based on how you are presenting things, he sounds just like every other abuser claiming to be the actual victim of the crazy ex. Don't be surprised when people point this out to you. Instead, distinguish him from the usual trope.

And don't use a father's rights group that claims that there are a lot of false abuse claims. They are quite rare, especially when there isn't a divorce proceeding in court at the time. The general rubric is if there is no divorce proceeding, then the claim is almost always valid. It's only when there's a divorce proceeding, a contentious divorce proceeding, already in court, that there can be a rise in false abuse claims. Even then, you're going to sound like trump defending those in his cabinet who have left because of allegations of abuse. They are usually accurate. More often than not, victims do not come forward, and it takes a lot to come forward, leave a relationship, and make legal complaints of violence and stalking behavior. Courts know this. They've seen it. They've heard some specific father's rights groups come forward and complain that they, the father's, are the actual victims in all of this and that reports of abuse, domestic violence, and stalking are frequently made simply to hurt the man in the relationship. Courts do not buy it. Taking this tack will harm his cause. Instead of accusing the mother, he needs to engage in constructive co-parenting after establishing his paternity. Trust me, if he's trying to engage in constructive co-parenting and she's not, the courts will take notice. If instead, he's claiming she's using protective orders against him, he's going to be viewed with a very jaundiced eye by the courts. The use of putative father's rights groups should be done very carefully, if you're insisting on going that route. Definitely stay away from the attorneys making their bread and butter on portraying the father as the victim in all of this. A father should first and foremost recognize that the only victim in a contentious custody dispute is the child. He should do everything necessary to maintain and grow the relationship of the child with the father, not engage the ex.

And again, don't be surprised if your story of his story is viewed as you demonstrating you are the next in line for domestic violence. It reads exactly like it, right down to the sources you're choosing to cite as proof that he's one of a lot of father's victimized by women making false claims. And don't be surprised when people are offended by this.

Here's my question for you:
Have you met his sister(s) (assuming he has one or more)? They are usually his first victims. Younger brothers work as his first victims, too.
Are all of his ex girlfriends crazy?
Have your relationships with your family and best friends tapered off as a result of your relationship with him?
Please don't tell me you are keeping track of her through your girlfriends, online, or through other means. If you are, he's using you to stalk her.
Are you engaged in his therapy? Are you engaged in your own therapy, especially a group like DBSA so that you can get help and support from others dealing with a LO with mood disorders?
Have you read more than a few lawyer blogs from father,s rights groups to determine what he needs to do and how you can help?
Have you obtained and read through the paperwork for his court cases? Is he encouraging you to do so? Have you encouraged him to go to his local Legal Aid clinic to get the paperwork necessary and maybe even a lawyer so that he can establish his patnerity and figure out what his rights are, and what his obligations will be?


And I could go on from there. But those things are not a part of your story of his story.
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Old 02-10-2018, 11:38 PM
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You want to be very, very careful of father's advocacy groups as many have a bad wrap, some very deservedly so, trying to couch domestic violence as courts against fathers. Women and children have died as a result. As a result, specific father's rights groups and the attorneys who advocate for them have a very difficult time in court.

What I was saying is about the, "not a violent bone in his body" is that your story of his story falls right smack dab in with all those common themes of new girlfriend and how they portray the old girlfriend. It is the same old, same old story.

To distinguish him from every other stalker in prison, he has to get therapy, obey the protective order that has apparently moved from emergency, through intermediate, and into plenary such that he's got a stalking wrap on him. In other words, he didn't respond to getting served, never went to court to fight the protective order at any of those stages, didn't hire an attorney to fight for him, didn't fight for reasonable visitation and joint custody, or anything like that. He needs to do that. He needs to start with obeying the OP, doing the classes recommended byDCFS, establishing his legal paternity, getting a support and visitation agreement in place, paying his support (and documenting it) and getting caught up on back support (and documenting it), getting notification of rights to records in with the child's PCP, school, and anything else that will produce records.

That he's in personal therapy - if he stays in it after the courts are off his back, perhaps he's different. But he needs to get in on the classes required by DCFS after he's established paternity.

Until he distinguishes himself from every other abuser who says, "I'm really the victim here. There was no abuse. She's crazy." He's going to be lumped in with them. And you are going to be looked at as just his next victim, one who has already drunk the Kool Aid.

And the courts and DCFS will go out of their way to protect her and the child in question.

(Oh, just appearing on the birth certificate isn't enough if he wasn't married to the woman. He needs to actually establish paternity which means a legal paternity test. He will need to have somebody with a lab or hospital scape his cheek, and the court will order the child be presented to a lab or hospital for the same reason. Further, once there is a visitation agreement in place, the child can be handed off without the parents violating a protective order. Had he gone through the court process for the emergency, intermediate, or plenary protective order, he would have found this out. Or, he could have just hired a family law attorney to do it for him.)

But, really, acknowledge that right now, based on how you are presenting things, he sounds just like every other abuser claiming to be the actual victim of the crazy ex. Don't be surprised when people point this out to you. Instead, distinguish him from the usual trope.

And don't use a father's rights group that claims that there are a lot of false abuse claims. They are quite rare, especially when there isn't a divorce proceeding in court at the time. The general rubric is if there is no divorce proceeding, then the claim is almost always valid. It's only when there's a divorce proceeding, a contentious divorce proceeding, already in court, that there can be a rise in false abuse claims. Even then, you're going to sound like trump defending those in his cabinet who have left because of allegations of abuse. They are usually accurate. More often than not, victims do not come forward, and it takes a lot to come forward, leave a relationship, and make legal complaints of violence and stalking behavior. Courts know this. They've seen it. They've heard some specific father's rights groups come forward and complain that they, the father's, are the actual victims in all of this and that reports of abuse, domestic violence, and stalking are frequently made simply to hurt the man in the relationship. Courts do not buy it. Taking this tack will harm his cause. Instead of accusing the mother, he needs to engage in constructive co-parenting after establishing his paternity. Trust me, if he's trying to engage in constructive co-parenting and she's not, the courts will take notice. If instead, he's claiming she's using protective orders against him, he's going to be viewed with a very jaundiced eye by the courts. The use of putative father's rights groups should be done very carefully, if you're insisting on going that route. Definitely stay away from the attorneys making their bread and butter on portraying the father as the victim in all of this. A father should first and foremost recognize that the only victim in a contentious custody dispute is the child. He should do everything necessary to maintain and grow the relationship of the child with the father, not engage the ex.

And again, don't be surprised if your story of his story is viewed as you demonstrating you are the next in line for domestic violence. It reads exactly like it, right down to the sources you're choosing to cite as proof that he's one of a lot of father's victimized by women making false claims. And don't be surprised when people are offended by this.

Here's my question for you:
Have you met his sister(s) (assuming he has one or more)? They are usually his first victims. Younger brothers work as his first victims, too.
Are all of his ex girlfriends crazy?
Have your relationships with your family and best friends tapered off as a result of your relationship with him?
Please don't tell me you are keeping track of her through your girlfriends, online, or through other means. If you are, he's using you to stalk her.
Are you engaged in his therapy? Are you engaged in your own therapy, especially a group like DBSA so that you can get help and support from others dealing with a LO with mood disorders?
Have you read more than a few lawyer blogs from father,s rights groups to determine what he needs to do and how you can help?
Have you obtained and read through the paperwork for his court cases? Is he encouraging you to do so? Have you encouraged him to go to his local Legal Aid clinic to get the paperwork necessary and maybe even a lawyer so that he can establish his patnerity and figure out what his rights are, and what his obligations will be?


And I could go on from there. But those things are not a part of your story of his story.
Have you met his sister(s) (assuming he has one or more)?
Yes I have, he has one younger sister who is the same age as me. They are close, he's been there for her when she's needed help with anything and she helps him also. But I doubt if I said that you'd believe it anyways, seems you have already made your mind up abut him.

Are all of his ex girlfriends crazy?
Actually no, would you believe it anyone he dated before her he's been good friends with, and if not he's never said anything bad about anyone of them, none that stood out anyways. He has a older daughter who just turned 18 years old, he's always paid child support, (except for when he was in prison of course), and he's always had contact with her. Before his ex, he's never been to prison, never had a criminal record. But again, seems you made your mind up.

Have your relationships with your family and best friends tapered off as a result of your relationship with him?
Nope, my ex husband lives downstairs on the other side of the building because we are in our going into our third year of divorce, and felt it to be easier for the kids and for us for work. When my ex goes out with his girlfriend, we would take the care of the kids, and if we go on date nights they would take care of the kids. I don't have many friends to begin with, most of all my closest friends are in Australia, most friends I have now are with work, or past jobs and yes I have no issues there if I want to go hang out at with them, go have coffee and such. Though I am fairly certain you have made your mind up on that.

Please don't tell me you are keeping track of her through your girlfriends, online, or through other means. If you are, he's using you to stalk her.
Ummm nope....firstly never even crossed my mind, I don't even know anyone she knows, and I have only seen one picture of her and it was a picture of her and his daughter at his mothers house, one of those family portraits of when his daughter was a newborn.

Are you engaged in his therapy? Are you engaged in your own therapy, especially a group like DBSA so that you can get help and support from others dealing with a LO with mood disorders?
Right now, he turned himself for parole violation, mostly due to both a mess up in his interstate compact and even though he had contact with his parole officer other issues also, so whilst he is waiting on that in the lock up, he's seeing his new parole officer on Monday to find out what classes she will have him going to, he's also going to ask her about any therapy and other means he needs to do because he wants to look at what he needs to do to get started with seeing his daughter. We both know its a long process, but you have to start some where. As for me, I see a therapist once a month.

Have you read more than a few lawyer blogs from father,s rights groups to determine what he needs to do and how you can help?
Yes I have and so has he, we both have been reading allot about fathers rights, which is one of many reasons he started in this process. And I do hope I have been helping him, but I don't do everything for him, its up to him to do what he needs to do, to better his situation. All I do is stand next to him to be his friend and to support him. All I really did was just help him open the door, it is up to him to finally walk through it.

Have you obtained and read through the paperwork for his court cases? Is he encouraging you to do so?
He was the one to give me the paperwork about a month into us dating, he explained to me of his fear of losing me, because he likes me and wanted to be honest with me, he was worried that if he just told me and not shown me the court papers that it would always be there in the back of my mind, and understanding that I have kids and such, he wanted to lay it all out for me, and if I had questions to ask him and he would answer them honestly, if I wanted to speak to any of his friends and family about any of it, to just call, I don't need his permission, and he gave me the paperwork to read. I never called anyone, but when I did go to his grandmothers house for lunch one day, his grandmother and I got on that subject and how it worries her that she never gets to see her great grandchild.

Have you encouraged him to go to his local Legal Aid clinic to get the paperwork necessary and maybe even a lawyer so that he can establish his paternity and figure out what his rights are, and what his obligations will be?

He is the father, paternity is there, he was there the day his daughter was born. He is on the birth certificate. He is going to talk to his PO on Monday when she comes in to see him, and he has written down questions he plans on asking her and exactly what he can do. Once he is done his old job said he can come back, he will have a month left after he gets out with parole and he is going to do what he needs to do see his daughter.

Let's not beat around the bush here .... you have already made your mind up on him and quite frankly you have every right to your opinion, you have every right to assume the worst, and you have every right to assume he is full of shit and he is guilty because to you the story has holes in it, smells fishy and all that. Though that is all pure assumption.

I could plainly put it in black and white, from the perfect resource that there are woman and even man out there who falsely accuse there ex of DV.


I NEVER STATED that many DV reports are false..EVER. I never indicated this either.

Right now I will leave it here...I don't wish to feel as though I need to answer to anyone about this, I believe I have said and answered enough as it is. Thank you to everyone for your posts and your concerns...much love to you all
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