Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!






Go Back   Prison Talk > FOR FAMILY & FRIENDS > Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-17-2004, 12:22 PM
TEEDEE20's Avatar
TEEDEE20 TEEDEE20 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 608
Thanks: 0
Thanked 13 Times in 3 Posts
Default Death in the Family and feeling confused...

Hello everyone. I had to post what I am feeling these days and was wondering if anyone has any sound advice for me or if they have been through this. Last Monday my siblings and myself lost our 64 year old mother to heart disease and a stroke. She was in the hospital for about 3 months and my sisters and I went to the hospital almost every night until she finally gave up the fight and went to join my father (whom we lost Nov. 2002). Needless to say it has been a very rough 2 years.

Anyway, I am posting here to ask your advice. Ever since my mom passed, I am feeling differently towards my husband. I am starting to question waiting for him, I'm starting to feel different about our future together and basically questioning my sanity about marrying a prisoner. I know I luv him very much but I'm feeling different towards him and I don't know why. I'm supposed to go up to visit him next Saturday and Sunday (after not seeing him since Oct. 2003) and I'm not in any way shape or form excited. To be totally honest with you I am feeling resentment towards him. I think now that I don't have any parents, I'm starting to pull away from caring for anyone in fear of losing them. I resent him for calling me so much whereas I have a $400.00 phone bill to pay and could be using that money for something else (like myself), I resent him for asking me for packages when I could be using that money towards our son's college tuition. He has never supported our child his whole life and now I'm being a fool and supporting him when he should be sending me every dime he earns in there to make up for the 21 years he hasn't done anything for our son. I don't want to feel this way, but I do and it's like a lightbulb has gone on in my brain and now I am seeing the light. I feel like a fool and sucker and it's like the blinders are off and I don't like what I see. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doggin' anyone out who decides to support their man and do for them, I'm just saying that I'm questioning myself. Anyway, there's a lot more but I don't want to go on and on and bore you guys!!

In a nut shell, I hate feeling like this and was wondering if this is just a reaction to losing my mom and will it pass or will I continue to hold resentment in my heart for him? What should I do and should I talk to him about how I'm feeling??? I'm very confused and need help!!

Tammy
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #2  
Old 03-17-2004, 12:24 PM
j2sq's Avatar
j2sq j2sq is offline
Home since 9/29/05! Yes!!
 

Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Buffalo, N.Y.
Posts: 5,274
Thanks: 0
Thanked 6 Times in 5 Posts
Default

i am soooooo sorry to hear of the loss of ur mother....

i think that ur feelings could be just a reaction to losing ur mother........hopefully it will pass. u r hurt and that is understandable!! good luck to u and ur family.......u know we r all here for u!

((((((((((((((*hugs*))))))))))))))))
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-17-2004, 12:34 PM
ROCKYSLILGIRL's Avatar
ROCKYSLILGIRL ROCKYSLILGIRL is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: CALIFORNIA
Posts: 370
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

Im Sorry To Hear For The Loss Of Your Mother. This Might Be An Outcome Of You Loosing Your Mom, Hopefully It Will Pass Hun Hang In There If You Need Me Pm Me Ok.
__________________
YOU AND I AGAINST THE WORLD.. YOU AND I AGAINST ALL ODDS...
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-17-2004, 12:46 PM
irisheyes66 irisheyes66 is offline
Account Closed
 

Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Stafford County, Kansas
Posts: 4,675
Thanks: 0
Thanked 10 Times in 8 Posts
Default

Tammy....(((hugs))) to you and your siblings. I'm so sorry for the passing of your Mom.

I think the feelings you're experiencing are completely natural...when a person so close to us dies, it's normal for our own mortality to come to the forefront. When my grandmother died a while back, I remember feeling as if I were "running out of time", and that I had to change all the things about my life that weren't positive, or taking me in the right direction.

The emotions you're having don't mean you don't care for, or love, your husband....they simply mean you are needing to re-assess your life plan. As for the packages and phone calls ($400 is a LOT), you are definitely right in feeling resentful....maybe it's time to reconsider your financial contribution to his incarceration. I don't send Shawn money as a rule (less than $100 in two years)...not because he and I aren't married, but because my daughter's and my well-being comes first; there just isn't anything left after our needs and obligations are met. A real man understands this concept, and wouldn't have issues with it.

I'd definitely open up to him on the next visit...tell him how you are feeling Reassure him that you still care, but that you also need to take a new look at the situation for what it is. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

Please feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk!

Susan in Providence
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-17-2004, 05:28 PM
Mrs. Low's Avatar
Mrs. Low Mrs. Low is offline
I Still Trust God!!!!!!!
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 40
Thanks: 563
Thanked 1,172 Times in 821 Posts
Default

I am sorry for your loss. Let me just share something with you... My mother died suddenly of a heart attack on the same day I was at visit with my husband. I talked to her on that Saturday night and went to visit my husband that Sunday. Now I met my husband while he was in prison. When I came along he had already served 6 years. My mother did not like that I was involved with him and I never told her I married him but I know she knew. Mothers always know. She was starting to come around however she still had her doubts.

The day I was visiting him, we both kept commenting how nice a day it was and we ended up getting an extra hour on visit which totally tripped us out. When we discovered my mother's body, I became so angry. Angry at my husband. My thought (at the time and for a while after) was, "I'm sitting here with you and my mother was breathing her last breath. She didn't even like you". I never told my husband that and I will never tell him that. I was angry and grieving. I had all kinds of thoughts. I was at the point of writing him and telling him that I was not coming to see him anymore and we would have to get a divorce. I was thinking, "Life is too short and I am sacrificing so much for him. He's costing me alot, not just financially". I mean the negative thoughts just kept coming. However, as I moved through each stage of grieving, my feelings changed. I also had to pray day and night and ask God to speak to my hear. I love my husband and would do anything for him. But when you are hurting, your mind does not function clearly and sometimes you want to hurt others. It sounds mean or selfish but you just want the pain to stop and you want someone else to understand and feel what you are feeling.

I know this was long but I had to respond. My mother died in Aug. 03 but my feelings are still flunctuating. Just give yourself time to feel and grieve. Think long and hard about your thoughts and feelings before you act. Once you have done that, ask God to direct you and then move with action. I wish you the best and don't give up.
__________________
God will not let us pick our blessings before they are ripe, and so we wait. God's timing is perfect and when He has everything - and everyone - ready, then He will act.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-17-2004, 05:36 PM
Joesgal's Avatar
Joesgal Joesgal is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Ky,USA
Posts: 359
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
Default

I am sorry for your lose! hang in there and I hope all goes with you.
__________________
My baby see's the parole board in June.:fb:
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-17-2004, 09:58 PM
mrsford's Avatar
mrsford mrsford is offline
Wizard of Oz Member
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: New Castle, IN USAmar
Posts: 3,239
Thanks: 0
Thanked 21 Times in 17 Posts
Default

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take some time for yourself (I know better said than done) but even a couple of minutes will help. Set some very short term goals for yourself and see how you do with those. Don't do anything on the spur of the moment, especially when you are so emotional. Other than escaping an abusive relationship, spur of the moment decisions are almost always regretted! Your heart of hearts will lead the way, and one of these days the sun will shine again. My husband has been gone since November, and I have had to tell him our nephew died of cancer, his brother died of cancer, his cousin died of cancer, his other cousin is dying, and a couple of friends of his have overdosed. I can hear him on the other end of the phone trying to cry softly, and not upset me. Then I have to tell him he cannot go to the funerals, even his brother who lived out of state. I know this is different from your case, and I feel like I am unloading instead of supporting, and I apologize for that. Please try to be strong, and hold your head up and look for the sun. Remember, you even said your mother was beginning to come around, and you know she would want you to do what makes you happy. Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-18-2004, 08:33 AM
TEEDEE20's Avatar
TEEDEE20 TEEDEE20 is offline
Registered User
 

Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 608
Thanks: 0
Thanked 13 Times in 3 Posts
Default

Mrs. Low, you have hit the nail right on the head about how I am feeling right now. It seems like I have this resentment towards my husband which may have been in me all this time but it didn't surface until after my mom passed! We did have a long talk last night and I told him exactly how I was feeling and that the phone calls have to be cut WAAAAAYYYYY BACK because I can't afford it anymore. Suprisingly he was very understanding but if I know him, he's gonna think about what I said and write me a long letter giving me my space. And I think that is just fine right now because I do need space to think and live my life. I won't do anything drastic and don't have any intensions on leaving him, but I will not live my life for anyone else but myself from now on. He's a good man and I would hate to lose what we have because it is a very good and open relationship, but I have to do what I have to do for me and me alone. I will pray on this situation and I know that God will lead me in the right direction.

Thanks for understanding and putting things into perspective for me.

((hugs))

Tammy


Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs. Low
I am sorry for your loss. Let me just share something with you... My mother died suddenly of a heart attack on the same day I was at visit with my husband. I talked to her on that Saturday night and went to visit my husband that Sunday. Now I met my husband while he was in prison. When I came along he had already served 6 years. My mother did not like that I was involved with him and I never told her I married him but I know she knew. Mothers always know. She was starting to come around however she still had her doubts.

The day I was visiting him, we both kept commenting how nice a day it was and we ended up getting an extra hour on visit which totally tripped us out. When we discovered my mother's body, I became so angry. Angry at my husband. My thought (at the time and for a while after) was, "I'm sitting here with you and my mother was breathing her last breath. She didn't even like you". I never told my husband that and I will never tell him that. I was angry and grieving. I had all kinds of thoughts. I was at the point of writing him and telling him that I was not coming to see him anymore and we would have to get a divorce. I was thinking, "Life is too short and I am sacrificing so much for him. He's costing me alot, not just financially". I mean the negative thoughts just kept coming. However, as I moved through each stage of grieving, my feelings changed. I also had to pray day and night and ask God to speak to my hear. I love my husband and would do anything for him. But when you are hurting, your mind does not function clearly and sometimes you want to hurt others. It sounds mean or selfish but you just want the pain to stop and you want someone else to understand and feel what you are feeling.

I know this was long but I had to respond. My mother died in Aug. 03 but my feelings are still flunctuating. Just give yourself time to feel and grieve. Think long and hard about your thoughts and feelings before you act. Once you have done that, ask God to direct you and then move with action. I wish you the best and don't give up.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-18-2004, 04:53 PM
Mrs. Low's Avatar
Mrs. Low Mrs. Low is offline
I Still Trust God!!!!!!!
Donation Award 
 

Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 40
Thanks: 563
Thanked 1,172 Times in 821 Posts
Default

Tammy, any time that you need to talk or sound off, feel free to PM me. I am telling you, I can truly understand. I am glad you were able to talk to him and continue to focus on you. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Keep that communication with God and you will be just fine. Big Hug to you!!!!
__________________
God will not let us pick our blessings before they are ripe, and so we wait. God's timing is perfect and when He has everything - and everyone - ready, then He will act.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-18-2004, 07:26 PM
jeffsprincess's Avatar
jeffsprincess jeffsprincess is offline
Jeffs Princess
 

Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Baltimore
Posts: 6,617
Thanks: 23
Thanked 116 Times in 59 Posts
Default

FIRST OF ALL I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR FATHER. IM SURE THIS HAS BEEN A VERY DIFFICULT 2 YEARS FOR YOU AND I CANNOT BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. AND AS FOR YOUR HUSBAND I HAVE NO ANSWERS FOR YOU, IM SORRY, BUT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. GOOD LUCK TO YOU, I WISH YOU THE BEST. (((HUGS)))
__________________

~Jeff's Princess~
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Exonerated (latest case added was 2011) softheart Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions 6 01-04-2012 03:37 PM
Women on Death Row Report softheart Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions 10 08-05-2007 04:22 PM
Death By Lethal Injection..please Read Kyla Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions 18 11-05-2006 03:29 PM
Family & The Relapse Syndrome Shelby Friends & Families of Addicts 1 01-25-2006 08:41 PM
CNN Death Penalty on Trial (long) Kyla Death Row & Capital Punishment Discussions 7 12-27-2004 02:42 PM


All times are GMT -6. The time now is 10:50 AM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics