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  #1  
Old 07-28-2007, 12:16 AM
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Default Husband addicted to beer/alcohol/mouthwash...

Hi...I posted about a year ago i guess about my now husband drinking mouthwash. well, he got isf for his last misdemeanor and was put out back on parole and in january this year, got another DWI....his 4th. He'd only been out about 6 months. he came out and immediately got some beer and it started out slowly and got worse until he was back on the mouthwash again. i got pregnant AGAIN with our 2nd child together and he went in january 10th got parole revoked and a 7 yr sentence. Anywho....im sticking with him(maybe i shouldnt) and i have told him numerous times that im not going thru this again. its so hard! im so scared he'll be right back doing the same stuff when he comes out. any advice thats not too harsh?? i love my husband with all my heart and i want him to help me raise our kids! just not drinking! he is abusive physically and verbally to me.......not the kids but in front of them usually...and i know thats just as bad for them. how do i show him i really mean it this time.....no more drinking....(hes as good as gold sober!) PLEASE HELP! ash
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Old 07-28-2007, 12:07 PM
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I think you need to visit some al anon meetings. I pray for you as its a long road...
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Old 07-28-2007, 01:33 PM
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Mouth wash IS alcohol. Alot of alcoholics drink it for a buzz and justify it by saying it isn't booze. He needs help.Your best bet is to tell him to get help or you and the little ones are out of there.
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Old 07-28-2007, 06:09 PM
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Hun, I'm sorry that you and your children have had to experience the abuse and the alcoholism. Unfortunately the only way he is going to know that you mean business is because you follow through with what you told him. You told him you weren't going to do this with him again but here you are. I'm sure he is good as gold when he is sober. The problem seems to be that he can't maintain his sobriety. He won't do it for you. He can only do it for himself. All the threats in the world from you won't change his drinking - especially if you lose credibility by not following through with them.

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason and for a season. Perhaps his season is up.

I wish you all well.
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Old 07-28-2007, 06:30 PM
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well....I am not giving up on my husband just yet. i love him too much and he's the father of my 2 youngest girls so he will always be in my life. i may have to show a little tough love but as far as quitting after everything we've been thru ..... not gonna happen. hes the love of my life. thanks for all the advice...however i did ask for advice not so extreme.
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Old 07-28-2007, 06:41 PM
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I don't think anyone's advice was extreme. Most, as I read it, were acknowledging or validating what you had already stated.

He will always be in your life because of your children. I think the only suggestions that have really been made here is for you to take care of yourself and your children first and the rest will follow -- whatever the rest is. Everyone prayed for you or wished you well. I'm not sure where the 'extreme' advice was.
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Old 07-29-2007, 03:58 PM
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i was reallly referring to ur advice...or statement rather.....about everyone comes for a reason and a season basically saying to get rid of him. i just meant that i couldnt do that. i love him so much. i wasnt meaning to sound rude tho so please dont take it the wrong way i appreciate the prayers especially! thanks everyone
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Old 07-29-2007, 04:11 PM
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Sorry. I didn't intend for you to take it that way. I thought I put the thought out there for consideration. Clearly only you can make the decision to stay or go.

I wish you well
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Old 07-29-2007, 04:41 PM
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I'm sorry that your husband did not hit bottom his 1st time but hopefully he will this time. Everyones bottom is different. I have been in love with an addict for so many years that getting away was the hardest thing to do. But I had to Love my self and my girls to get away from their father and my 1st LOVE!! Some times love is not enough to get Thru things like this. I hope for you and your kids that you take this time to get help you and he will have to do the same for himself cause you cant be sober just because some one said so. I wish you the best.
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Old 07-29-2007, 07:02 PM
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Default Please Listen to What I have to say

Hello,

I want you to please just read this and think before you hit the reply button...

I grew up in a home where alcohol and gambling was the choice of addictions... I don't want to bore you with my story as you can search my posts and see and read all about it...

What I want to tell you, since you are asking for some advice, is that you should go to an Al anon Meeting as one member suggested. I have been in recovery for my own addiction, gambling and I have destroyed everything and everyone around me, including my self. I hit "Rock Bottom" before it took me to see what I was doing. I have been in Gambler's Annoy. and Al Anon meetings and I will tell you, I am a different person.

Your husband is sick and needs help and the only thing that seems to be working is "jail". He can't drink in there dear and he keeps going back and expecting you to wait. You and your kids deserve to live in a "safe" environment and by what I mean is whether or not your husband's abuse is not physically or not is still no good for them or you. Verbal and mental abuse is just as bad.

Here is a suggestion, why don't you see if you can get your husband into the Church at jail and get him a Bible. Read the Bible yourself and communicate with him about the Chapters/Verses. Ephesians is an excellent chapter for Husband/Wife/Family.....

Until he ADMITS he has a problem, he can't heal and move forward....I know this is a lot and I know you are tired of the pain and you want to just make it go away, but he has to do this for himself.....

I am not saying by any means for you to just up and walk away. I know what I have done and my husband has stuck by me, but I had to make changes....He couldn't live this way with me.

PS, I am going to be sentenced August 8th for my addiction.

PM if you want to talk

Take Care and God Bless,
Stephanie
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Old 07-29-2007, 10:01 PM
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Steph..thanks so much for the post. It made me cry tho. I'm just so confused on what to do. i will try to attend an al non meeting but i have 3 small children and often no babysitter so it'd be hard to go. i do like the idea of the bible tho. and he is signed up to take AA, parenting classes and changes. hopefully he really wants to change. i appreciate everyone here...i dont know where else id turn for advice! thanks ash
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Old 07-30-2007, 07:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vantexasgirl
Steph..thanks so much for the post. It made me cry tho. I'm just so confused on what to do. i will try to attend an al non meeting but i have 3 small children and often no babysitter so it'd be hard to go. i do like the idea of the bible tho. and he is signed up to take AA, parenting classes and changes. hopefully he really wants to change. i appreciate everyone here...i dont know where else id turn for advice! thanks ash
Take the KIDS with you to the meeting! I belong to GA (Gamblers Annoy) and there is a woman that brings her child to the meetings....The meetings make it and if you don't have support honey, you are going to fall apart....

Children can't listen to what you need to get out to adults! So please go and find a meeting....It will be worth it and I know your husband wants to stop, he just can't and sometimes hitting rock bottom does it! For me it was hitting rock bottom!

Take Care,
Steph
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Old 07-30-2007, 09:24 PM
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Does anyone know of a group for co-dependence of drug users?
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Old 08-01-2007, 09:00 PM
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no...sorry...never had to go thru that one before.....good luck
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:22 AM
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Wink no harsh advice?

sorry for your situation. my husband is addicted to meth and an alcoholic. I ended up in the hospital for a nerveous break down, i was in for 3 days and had a 3 month old baby. i went through hell. but i made it back. yes, you do need help. and yes, you do have to leave him, honey, sorry to tell you but things will get worse unless you do something about it. i didnt have any money and two kids, so i went to the county and asked for help, i found it. i got into a state program that helped a lot, and they help with child care. also if you attend alanon they help. please ask around. Him going to jail was the best thing that happend to our family since during that time i left him, didnt even write to him. after 10 months of therapy, alanon, church and going back to school, i am ready to try again, but with the strengh and knowledge and most important self conficence. he during that time joined drug programs, got his GED, and even attended parenting classes and anger manegment (he sent me all his certificates.) i now write to him yet i have set boundries that he respects, if he doesnt when he gets out, i know i can make it on my own. even though i still love him! (also i called around to different churches and i found one that offered support groups and counseling) Trust me...you will make it. Once he sees all the changes in you and your commitment, he will follow. God Bless you
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:38 PM
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i just dont think that i have it in me.....i haven't been able to leave him yet....i just love him so much and im scared that if i do leave to show him that he will choose drinking over us. that makes me sound stupid i know but its the truth. how did u get the courage to leave?? also....his family are the ones who are always there for me....way more than mine, and they say theyll still be here for me if i leave but i dont know if i believe that totally. and i have no one else here in this town. i moved here for him but my oldest daughter goes to school and has cheerleading here so i couldnt just up and leave either! what do u think i should do? you seem like you got ur stuff together in a hurry! i need to talk to someone like u! thank u so much already....ash
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Old 08-03-2007, 04:54 AM
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When you get sick of being in a sick relationship you will find it in you to leave. You can leave and you can do this on your own, Cause he is all ready in jail/prison and you are doing this alone, he is not there to help you and I bet you are sleeping better cause you know where he is at night and not worrying about the call to come in the middle of the night anymore. Good Luck!!
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Old 08-05-2007, 09:13 AM
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Yeah i do sleep better and so do the kids! I just feel so confused right now....I love him............Thanks for all of yalls advice tho! its definitely got me thinking!
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Old 08-05-2007, 10:41 AM
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Hon, you're afraid that if you leave he will choose drinking? He chose it long ago, and with you there. He has to choose NOT drinking, whether your'e there or not.
This is soooooo much NOT about you, though you think it is. It's his thing, his responsibility, his choice. You can't make it for him, or prod him in that direction, or beg or bribe him into it.
Don't think that the folks who are answering you haven't felt what you're feeling - we all tried to bargain with the alcohol-devil, and we've almost all had to leave. Our hearts broke, but our lives got back together - we stopped worrying about things we couldn't controlk and did what we could about job, home and kids. On our own. Without anyone dragging us backwards. We cried in the middle of the night, when the kids were asleep so they wouldn't know. We've gritted our teeth to keep back the words "please come back" because we know that if we live with an alcoholic then we live an alcoholic's life, with all that confusion, crazy thinking and not-caring and irresponsibility.

We loved them, but we couldn't live that life. That's the choice we had.
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Old 08-06-2007, 12:26 PM
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Dear Van,
Don't look at it as "leaving" him, but FINDING yourself. You are lost in all of the drama that his drinking has created. Now that he's incarcerated again, it is time to step back and take a good look at yourself. Take the time to learn about his disease, and find out the things about yourself that you might want to improve.
I did this the last time my husband went away, I decided I was going to live for myself (first) and then my kids, you may think this is backwards but if I wasn't a healthy person (mentally and physcially) there is no way I'd be a good mother. Go to your library and check out the books mentioned on here, go to the local churches and see what kind of free counseling they offer, etc. Concentrate on getting yourself in a better place mentally and physically, because his addiction will drag you down deeper than you ever thought possible.
I wont go into my own experiences, but they are here at PTO, however, when I made my stand and came to grips with what I would and would not accept, then my life got so much easier. I could actually put into place the boundaries that would be deal-breakers. I told him what I expected and what the consequences would be (you have to be SURE of this).
I didn't cut off all contact, but he was no longer the center of my life.
I didn't visit every weekend, I didn't take every phone call from him, I didn't write every day, etc. I only did what I felt comfortable with, not what I thought would make him feel better....
I knew that if he did decide to choose the drugs, then I had done all I could by learning all the aspects surrounding addiction as well as things about myself to withstand the heartache of walking away. Because I know I am worthy of a good husband, not an addict!
I haven't had to put him out of my life because he has been clean over a year now, and although I am happier now than I have ever been, I still know that a relapse can happen, but I can say that I am mentally prepared for that as well.
Good luck to you, and dont forget, we are all here rooting for you!
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Old 08-08-2007, 03:52 PM
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Thanks everybody........I still just don't know where to begin though. I do visit him every weekend and have told him ill always be here for him when he gets out.......how do i go backwards from there?? i just dont know........
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Old 08-08-2007, 04:57 PM
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Frankly, you have to decide if he's kept his promises to YOU. then decide that if he hasn't then you can't keep yours to HIM. If you tie yourself to him without regard to his recovery then you will be living an alcoholic's life, with all the attendant chaos.
And it may be that losing you is what he needs to hit bottom and begin his recovery. If that's so, then you're getting in the way of his potential sobriety. Chew on that for a while, then you might see a way out.
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Old 08-09-2007, 09:54 AM
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Hey i never looked at it that way before..............i think it's already working! Thanks so much! =)
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Old 10-15-2007, 12:11 PM
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I won't tell you to leave cause that's a decison you have to be strong enough to make on your own. I would strongly suggest finding a coda or al anon meeting for support. It's easy to tell someone to leave a situation from afar but I know being co-dependent it took me years to leave my abusive husband.....years of therapy...my counselor never told me to leave she always would say when i asked if I should leave that I would know when it was time to move on and we continued to work on my issues......strangely enough I'm still co-dependent but the difference now is that I can admit that I'm still working on me...but I did come to a point where him abusing me was not acceptable and like it was nothing I packed up and walked out. This was in 2003 and my teenagers today tell me that they are proud of me for chosing a better life for them.
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Old 10-15-2007, 02:21 PM
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Default The medicine I needed

Thanks to ALL of you for this advice for I needed to sit down and read it as well. Time for me to get a clue although it breaks my heart to pieces since I feel he is my heart & soul and I want no one else. Time for me to toughen up. I've done it before & I can do it again.. . .
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