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Old 04-10-2017, 08:45 AM
Ms. Denise Ms. Denise is offline
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Angry New To Group, son sentenced to 75 years

Hello I am new to the group and my son has been sentenced to 75yrs in jail and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:02 AM
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Welcome to PTO, I'm glad you found us.
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:05 AM
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I am sorry for your son's lengthy sentence. It is never easy having a loved one incarcerated, for any length of time.

Hopefully, you can get settled into a routine of visits (if you get them), phone calls and letters. The first part is always the hardest, as you never know what to expect.

I am sure others in your situation will come along and offer encouragement. Stay strong and take lots of deep breaths.
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Old 04-10-2017, 01:58 PM
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Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry for the awful prison sentence your son just received. Stay strong so you can continue to support him, he needs it more now than ever.
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Old 04-10-2017, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by fbopnomore View Post
Welcome to Prison Talk. I'm sorry for the awful prison sentence your son just received. Stay strong so you can continue to support him, he needs it more now than ever.
I know he needs me and I need him to help me get through this awful time in our live. I have no one who understands the pain that I am feeling. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to be okay but it's not. This is truly a hard pill to swallow. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
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Old 04-10-2017, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by JustBeingMe67 View Post
I am sorry for your son's lengthy sentence. It is never easy having a loved one incarcerated, for any length of time.

Hopefully, you can get settled into a routine of visits (if you get them), phone calls and letters. The first part is always the hardest, as you never know what to expect.

I am sure others in your situation will come along and offer encouragement. Stay strong and take lots of deep breaths.
Thank you yes this is the hardest and I don't know where to begin. I feel LOST.
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Old 04-10-2017, 02:13 PM
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I am so sorry to read this. (Hugs). Sigh. These ridiculously long sentences astound me.
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Old 04-10-2017, 02:25 PM
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I'm sorry you're going through this, it is an awful sentence to bear on both sides. You've found the right place for support and encouragement. Nobody will tell you that it gets easier, but it does become more manageable day to day. You learn a new sense of normal after a while.

Remember to take care of yourself. A nice cup of tea and a hot bath can go a long way when you've had an especially stressful day. Don't be afraid to cry, sometimes letting it out helps. And if you need people to talk to, cry to, rant to...we're here. (((HUGS)))
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Old 04-10-2017, 04:16 PM
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Hi I am glad you found us . Its not going to be easy but it will get easier as you find a routine of calls letters and visits.Just remember you need to look after yourself so you can support your son.
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Old 04-10-2017, 06:35 PM
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Welcome to the community... I too am glad you found us, but sorry you need us. We're here 24/7/365 for you.
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Old 04-10-2017, 09:43 PM
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Iím very sorry to hear about your sonís sentence, but Iím glad that you found PTO and the parentís forum. My son was incarcerated for 2 years before I found this site and for those 2 years I was scared, upset and had never felt so lost and alone. Once I started coming here, I found tons of info on the prison system here in CA and, more importantly, I found other parents who were going through similar feelings. I didnít feel alone anymore and that was such a huge relief. If you read through previous threads, Iím sure youíll feel the same way. Welcome to PTO.
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Old 04-11-2017, 05:32 AM
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Welcome PTO. There are many support groups out there and this is def. one that is a great place for support! I think the acceptance of your sons lengthy sentence is going to take time. It sounds like this has been a difficult transition for you and my hope is you will utilize your support or seek counseling to discuss healthy coping skills on dealing with this.
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Old 04-11-2017, 07:03 AM
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Im so sorry.
Im sure hearing 75 years just about killed you.
I just want to offer a cyber hug (((((((((((Denise)))))))

As the others have said.....it wont ever be easy. But it does become a new *normal*
And there will be times you just want to never leave the house.
but please dont do that. At least not often. Spring is coming. Get outside.
walk. take up a hobby. Write to your son. Visit when you can.
His new *life* wont be the one you envisioned for him, but he can and will make one for himself inside. Hopefully it will be a productive one.
Again, Im so sorry. I know this hurts.
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Old 04-11-2017, 08:07 AM
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I'm so sorry about your son's sentence. I'm in IL also - is this a 50%, 85% or 100% sentence?

IL is also looking at new legislation that might affect your son's sentence. Please take care of yourself during this time.
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Old 04-11-2017, 12:48 PM
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I know you must be overwhelmed by the size of his sentence. I am praying that there is hope that he won't serve anywhere near that long. Be strong & lean on the people in this group. Their strength has been a blessing. I decided to become an advocate for change when my son was arrested. That has kept me looking forward. I keep hoping that if enough people write, call & speak out, eventually the noise will be too loud to ignore & change will happen. Prayers that you will find the strength to look at each day as a beginning & not what lies ahead down the road.
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Old 04-12-2017, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Denise View Post
Hello I am new to the group and my son has been sentenced to 75yrs in jail and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
I am so sorry! My heart goes out to you!!! Please, know that you, your son, & all effected by this are in my prayers! May God grant you the peace and strength to get all of you through this trying time!!! We will all be here for you to have a shoulder to lean on! Don't try to go through this alone! Once again, I am sorry that you are in this situation!
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Old 04-13-2017, 07:27 PM
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Thank you yes this is the hardest

and I don't know where to begin.
I feel LOST.
I think you're already beginning Denise, by taking the first as a loving mom who is seeking a good support, positive support system. You're going to be ok.
I pray for you,your family. Hang in there. Each day, week shall get better, God-willing and reach me anytime, on here by PM, if you're needing private message support chica.
Hugs -n- Blessings for you, and yours tonight.
God bless...
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Old 04-13-2017, 10:38 PM
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We understand. I too feel alone as most of my family does not want to talk about my son. I guess they are trying to recover from my son being on the news so much since most of them knew the prosecutor through church. There are people here who know your pain. Will not judge and offer a helping hand when you don't know where else to turn.
Sorry your son has such a long sentence. My son was sentenced last month and some day's I am ok. Some day's not. It really is a journey of grief, even though our children are alive.
Don't mean to sound so pessimistic but some day's I take one minute, one hour and then one day at a time.
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Old 04-14-2017, 12:38 PM
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We understand. I too feel alone as most of my family does not want to talk about my son. I guess they are trying to recover from my son being on the news so much since most of them knew the prosecutor through church. There are people here who know your pain. Will not judge and offer a helping hand when you don't know where else to turn.
Sorry your son has such a long sentence. My son was sentenced last month and some day's I am ok. Some day's not. It really is a journey of grief, even though our children are alive.
Don't mean to sound so pessimistic but some day's I take one minute, one hour and then one day at a time.
I have been trying to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day but this is so out of my control. I'm lost knowing that I can't help him when he needs me the most. This is truly HEARTBREAKING!
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Old 04-14-2017, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Ms. Denise View Post
I have been trying to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day but this is so out of my control. I'm lost knowing that I can't help him when he needs me the most. This is truly HEARTBREAKING!
Unfortunately, we all feel that loss of control and that is one of the hardest things to accept as a parent. However, even though you no longer have physical control, there are other things you can do for your son that will show your love and support. I'm not sure whether he is in a reception center on his way to prison or if he is already there, but I would suggest writing lots of letters (I wrote nearly every day at the beginning), sending "thinking of you" cards, ordering books (if he's allowed), sending puzzles, etc. to keep him occupied, visiting if it's allowed and if you can manage it, and accepting his phone calls when he can make them.

It may not seem like that is enough to help him, but I think most of our kids feel like they have let us down and they need to know that we haven't abandoned them, that we will continue to love and support them, and that we are going to be okay. That was really important for my son to know. I think he was more worried about me than what he was facing and when I finally got a handle on things and started doing the things that I could do, it got easier for both of us. Hope that helps a little bit.
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Old 04-14-2017, 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Ms. Denise View Post
I have been trying to take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day but this is so out of my control. I'm lost knowing that I can't help him when he needs me the most. This is truly HEARTBREAKING!
Denise, when my son was in prison I said that when he got home, I would never, ever write to an inmate or pay for money on books or phone calls. Not long ago, I led a friend here that I only knew online 17 years ago. Never met her in person. We live too far apart. Helped her w info on visiting etc and she asked me to write a note to her son because he had no immediate family but her. I did. She and I exchanged phone numbers and texted.

Last month I texted her two days in a row. No reply. She had died suddenly, alone. Someone finally answered her phone and I found out. I knew I was the only one writing to her son. I knew the news he was getting in prison. He needed help and no one there. After a few weeks, he wrote to me. The pain. The regrets. He was alone and he is young. First time in prison. No one to pay for him to attend his mom's funeral. Many hours from home. Heartbreaking.

I wrote back and told him he's not alone. I'm going to keep him company. He is very grateful and gracious about everything. I won't abandon him. I tell him that he matters, he is important, he is not alone, not forgotten. I've been teaching him the bible. We're about to start the 11th book of the bible. I have learned the new stuff about phones, emails, commissary and quarterly packages. In his mom's honor, he will have support.

Your son needs you more than ever. He's alive and so are you. (Hugs and tears) I know I won't be here in75 years, but for what time I have, I will be loving and supportive to "my" inmate. I know it's early on for you, but I see others posting to you who came in here breathless and wounded...like me...and now they're uplifting others. It won't always be the way it is now. Your son and you will evolve and adapt. You're a survivor. You sought help. (More hugs)
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Old 04-19-2017, 02:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Denise View Post
I know he needs me and I need him to help me get through this awful time in our live. I have no one who understands the pain that I am feeling. Everyone keeps telling me it's going to be okay but it's not. This is truly a hard pill to swallow. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Ms. Denise. It is never going to be OK. However, like me, you will learn to take care of your pain so that you can be of comfort to your son by being able to offer emotional support.

My son was arrested 3 days ago. He has not been able to call us. I think he is not in a good place mentally right now. He was first incarcerated in 2010 for a little short of 2 years. This time I think he will do a much longer time. I am numb. My husband is deeply saddened . We will attempt to visit him this Saturday. Last time he had a wonderful public defender. This time we don't know whether to hire a private attorney or not. I think it will depend on how the hearing goes. A class A felony (aggravated assault) carries up to a life sentence in the estate of Washington. You are not alone in your pain. Both of us need to remain strong to make the right decisions regarding our sons. Be well.

7 years ago Momma Ann posted this:
7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the imprisonment with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the imprisonment at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the imprisonment on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just let him out")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your child, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life with your child in prison, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your child on a day to day basis. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life with him or her in prison.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this. But you will find a way forward.
7 stages of grief...
You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your child/inmate without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Ms. Denise View Post
Hello I am new to the group and my son has been sentenced to 75yrs in jail and I am having a hard time dealing with it.
Ms. Denise- my heart bleeds for you as a mom. I can't imagine. I would think something was wrong if you weren't having a hard time dealing with it. I am seeing that this is a new sentence? The most important thing right now is to allow yourself to feel how you do- you will feel shocked, pissed off, heartbroken, maybe even embarrassed or guilty( I was). If you need to cry- then cry! If you don't process your feelings, you won't be able to help him process his. How old is he? The biggest thing to do right now is take care of you- youre suffering the loss of a life you had and you need to grieve it. Then you need to be that MOM,with that incredible mom love, and when you can- let him know that this doesn't change the love you have for him. That youre on his side, I have some really great activities that you can do w/ him thru the mail to keep your relationship strong.They are corny, but my 27 year old loves them. Please reach out to me anytime. I also joined a group I found in my town for people that have loved ones incarcerated- it was thru a church but it isn't religious. And I am also on a board for prison reform in our state that helps me, navigate the system better. In time, these are things you may like to explore. Take care of yourself- eat, drink water and juices, rest, walk- reach out to us anytime. ***HUGS****
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Old 04-30-2017, 01:49 AM
Juniesgal Juniesgal is offline
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Originally Posted by GaReform View Post
I know you must be overwhelmed by the size of his sentence. I am praying that there is hope that he won't serve anywhere near that long. Be strong & lean on the people in this group. Their strength has been a blessing. I decided to become an advocate for change when my son was arrested. That has kept me looking forward. I keep hoping that if enough people write, call & speak out, eventually the noise will be too loud to ignore & change will happen. Prayers that you will find the strength to look at each day as a beginning & not what lies ahead down the road.

That is what I did too- became an advocate for prison reform and that is what has helped me. It takes people like us, to start the movement to succeed in getting the change to happen. What state are you in? I am in WI.
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Old 04-30-2017, 08:52 AM
kathyradellvn kathyradellvn is offline
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It is a sad situation, one that you have no control over. That was the most difficult part for me. My son was 100% on his on in a place where you never want your child to be. You will make it through, we all do. It is not easy but life goes on, even for your son. He will eventually adapt, this will be his life. He will be happy at times, for those times be grateful and be happy with him. There will be times he will be very depressed, so will you. It does get better believe it or not. Life has a way of taking the sharp edges off eventually. Hang in there. Pray for strength to accept what has happened. Be there for him, visit, write letters, anything you can do to make it feel like you are still involved in his life because you are. Visit when possible, send pictures. These little things will help you to bridge the despair of not having your son around. This is a good site to visit. Read other peoples posts, as bad as your situation is there is always some ones who is worse. This is a wonderful site for venting, asking for information, sharing success stories. You will have a lot of support and a lot of friends from Mom's and other people who have been there. God Bless. Kathyradellvn
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