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Loving a Violent Offender Discuss the issues of having a violent offender as part of your life. Please keep in mind that some of us are married to violent offenders. Please remember that these offenders are human, and as such, can change... just like anyone else.

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Old 04-09-2017, 04:57 PM
AmberAan AmberAan is offline
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Default Can his background negatively affect me?

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year and he just revealed to me that he has a criminal record. I know I could have done my own research on him previously but for whatever reason, I didn't. Turns out he did 10 years in prison for a violent crime (bar fight that he took too far). He was released nearly 10 years ago and has not been in trouble since (he was sent back for about a year foe VOP on false accusations that the accuser eventually admitted she made up). He has been adamant about not going down that road again I think he has grown up a lot and I don't think that will be an issue.

I, in the other hand, have a spotless record, never even been pulled over, nearly perfect credit score, homeowner, etc. I am a public school administrator and may continue to advance in my position/career. I don't want to hold his actions nearly 20 years ago against him but I am also concerned if his background could negatively affect what I have worked so hard to build. Any insight or lessons of experience would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-09-2017, 05:35 PM
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Because of the type of job I do, I had to have a background check run on me. I was married to my husband then, while he was still locked up, and still married to him. It hasn't affected my career in the least.
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Old 04-09-2017, 05:37 PM
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I am in a similar position, though my boyfriend is currently incarcerated and has been a few other times before (all for drugs, nothing violent). I am ironically a prosecutor and former teacher and I am constantly worried that what he's done will impact me negatively, as well.

In your case, it was SO long ago and he has had zero issues since. I understand your concern but really believe your man has turned it around and that his past won't come back to haunt you!
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Old 04-09-2017, 05:57 PM
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AmberAan,

The short answer is that it shouldn't cause you any problems with your current job. If you had / need a security clearance, that might be a different story. If he had done time for a sexual offense with a minor / child, that also could be a different story depending on your exposure to children, but from what you say, it is not.

The truth of the matter is that people can change over time.. (Hopefully, for the better, but not always) Personally, I would have told you sooner, as I have done with two people I have been in a serious relationship with, but I know guys (like my cousin) that didn't tell his girlfriend (and later wife) until well after she started working for the city police department as an assistant to the police chief! (stupid on his part!) She only found out when he was arrested on a fugitive warrant from 21 years prior - that was a mistake! That might have cost her the job except she honestly didn't know and offered to take a polygraph.

Some people who commit crimes and go to prison are proud of their history, or just don't care.. Some are embarrassed or ashamed to one extent or another. I fall into the latter category. I'm not ashamed of my history - nor would I change a thing now - but I am definitely not proud of my criminal ways so many years ago. It sounds like he isn't either but finally felt compelled to tell you about it.

If he didn't care about you I doubt he would have told you at all. It sounds like he also didn't send up any/many red flags to you, which is a good sign about where his moral compass probably is pointing today.

Your post struck me because I've had to work up the courage to tell a couple people who had no idea at all of my history.. It's not easy, especially if they've done everything they should have done in this life, and he/me/they have not. I thought, will she even understand my past? Or will she just slam the door shut? In both cases for me, they were understanding... Especially because I left that life behind a long time ago.

Just my 2 cents..


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Originally Posted by AmberAan View Post
My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year and he just revealed to me that he has a criminal record. I know I could have done my own research on him previously but for whatever reason, I didn't. Turns out he did 10 years in prison for a violent crime (bar fight that he took too far). He was released nearly 10 years ago and has not been in trouble since (he was sent back for about a year foe VOP on false accusations that the accuser eventually admitted she made up). He has been adamant about not going down that road again I think he has grown up a lot and I don't think that will be an issue.

I, in the other hand, have a spotless record, never even been pulled over, nearly perfect credit score, homeowner, etc. I am a public school administrator and may continue to advance in my position/career. I don't want to hold his actions nearly 20 years ago against him but I am also concerned if his background could negatively affect what I have worked so hard to build. Any insight or lessons of experience would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 04-15-2017, 11:21 PM
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The most likely type of trouble in this situation would come from someone's curiosity having a field day on our fantastic, hyper-public database of info (otherwise known as the Internet), but it would be more of a nuisance rather then a career hindrance. I've had snoopy family members run those (questionable) paid-for background checks on me, and scour the Internet for every little tidbit on my husband. That was unpleasant and I felt vaguely violated, and it did make me wonder how my employer might react were they to know my husband's status. But unless you're planning a prominent, very public political career, it shouldn't matter beyond some minor gossip. Quite honestly, people will Google, just because -- just because you're their boss, or coworker, or neighbor, or parent of their kid's best friend. None of that makes or breaks careers if you haven't been hiding anything to begin with. But you do have to be ready to look people squarely in the eye and stand your ground firmly. That means being able to stand by your spouse with unshakable faith, while also being able to acknowledge the past without defensiveness.
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