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Old 03-20-2012, 08:34 PM
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Default Is it possible that he can change?

I know I've said I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore after the DV. But I love him. Were have our first child together. Is it possible that he will change? He called me today for the first time since the incident (3 Weeks) and wants to change. He wants part of the baby life and wants to be a family. He agreed to get help with the drinking so he can stop. That he loved me and is sorry for everything that happened... I wanna give him that chance to change. But I know I won't be able to drop the DV charges cause the state put them..
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:42 PM
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I believe anyone can change. Just remain cautious until you know for sure that the change is permanent and not just for show.
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:44 PM
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Quote:
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I know I've said I don't want to be with my boyfriend anymore after the DV. But I love him. Were have our first child together. Is it possible that he will change? He called me today for the first time since the incident (3 Weeks) and wants to change. He wants part of the baby life and wants to be a family. He agreed to get help with the drinking so he can stop. That he loved me and is sorry for everything that happened... I wanna give him that chance to change. But I know I won't be able to drop the DV charges cause the state put them..
He will only be able to change with determination in learning everything he can about his behaviors. He cannot change without help, and then he has a lot of work to do and therapy.

Of course he is saying he wants to change, he is in jail! I would be saying that as well. I am surpised he called you, being that you are his victim. I would be VERY careful corresponding with him, as it could cause you and him more problems.

Let him get the help he needs and you get the help you need to heal from his abusive ways. I know you have a child together, but that does not mean he is healthy for you, or your child. Once you are in therapy, you may find that he is NOT the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I am sure Nimuay will give you some awesome advice and suggestions on this, she is so informative about DV, I say take her advice to heart, she knows what she is talking about.

So, I would also suggest you get to your local DV shelter and see how they can help you.

Best to you and I hope your child's dad pulls his head out of his ass and changes......

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Old 03-20-2012, 09:07 PM
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People can change that is not impossible but everything your man has said abusers say those words over and over again. You should give him the chance to change but that does not mean you have to be with him. He has a lot of work to do because he has to find the problem within himself. He has to understand what makes him angry enough that he has to put his hands on you and what actions can he take that are positive when he feels himself getting to that point. I think you should get counseling too so you can learn how to deal with DV and find some things you can use with him in order to keep the peace. Its only been 3 weeks that is not a long time at all for someone to change I am sorry to say.
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:17 PM
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Yes I know... Im going to give him time to change and show me he has. I don't want him to get out of jail and move right back in. he needs to prove he wants this family. He needs to get the help he needs. I know this man loved me... Cause he does everything he can for me. But I agree he does need help.
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bets chick
Yes I know... Im going to give him time to change and show me he has. I don't want him to get out of jail and move right back in. he needs to prove he wants this family. He needs to get the help he needs. I know this man loved me... Cause he does everything he can for me. But I agree he does need help.
My husband has made a complete turn around. I know he is the exception, not the norm. But if he truly wants to change he can
And will. But he needs to get help. rush went through two years of anger therapy and gave up drinking and drugs. He wanted to change.
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:40 PM
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@Martinez thank you that means alot. That's gives me some hope. Im going to go see him for the first time at the county jail. Because that what he wanted. He asked me if I would go visit him. And I said I would because this is what we need to talk this over.
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Old 03-20-2012, 09:55 PM
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I agree with my sisters. Action speaks louder than words! It is good that he wants to change. It's good that you are going to talk to him about this change. It's also good that you are going to see that he has made a change before you spend time with him as a family. It's a chance that you and your child cannot afford to take unless you see a real change. Be cautious and most of all, be smart!
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Old 03-20-2012, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bets chick
@Martinez thank you that means alot. That's gives me some hope. Im going to go see him for the first time at the county jail. Because that what he wanted. He asked me if I would go visit him. And I said I would because this is what we need to talk this over.
Pm me anytime you want to talk girl.
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Old 03-20-2012, 10:17 PM
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Oh yes I will be smart he cannot be slick with me no more. He wants to stop the drugs and drinking. He has to prove it. Even if he has to take a drug test before seeing the baby. Child is still not born yet. But he trying to get out to be there for the birth. He just kept saying over and over on the phone that he wants to be there for the birth. And he wants in the life. Even though I believe he should be there to experience this moment especially because I don't believe in the epidural or other drugs. I want him to see natural birth. Maybe that alone will show what we woman have to go thru. And have some respect. But first change has to happen with him getting help, seeking God. And proving to not only me but my family what a real man he can be and not the child he was. He has to be a father instead of a follower. Thanks ladies
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Old 03-21-2012, 08:40 AM
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Let him change.. then SHOW you after he has got himself back on track. Tough love. You CANNOT enable him & make everything okay & lovey dovey because his words say I'm sorry. Hi actions have to prove that.
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Old 03-21-2012, 08:49 AM
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Oh, and being there for the birth.. DOES NOT make them magically not do drugs/drinking again. Addiction is a selfish "disease" , they only care about making themselves feel better. A crying baby who NEEDS ALL THE TIME is super stressful to an addict.. more reasons for excuses to use again.
Went through my ex husband being there for the birth & totally strung out on stuff within 4 months..all his work $ was gone & my income was disappearing as well, and it wasn't safe to leave either of the kids with him. Love? Sure, he loves his kids but... so what ? Love, intentions & promises aren't actions. They can want to be good, they can want to make it all up to you/kids, but the cold truth is, it takes a lot of work & no more excuses..and a lot more.
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  #13  
Old 04-02-2012, 10:16 AM
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i have to say mine is the exception as well. I know most do not change. But it wasnt really a change for mine cuz it was the first time he had EVER done something like that. We are still working through the hurt he caused and getting better. He got help and i did as well. But my guard is not completely down yet and probably never will be
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Old 04-03-2012, 11:09 AM
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If you stick to your boundaries and say no contact unless you are sober and in counseling you should be able to see his progress. Words are empty, actions speak louder than words. I had a friend in a 12 step program who use to beat his wife and kids when he was drunk and the dog (might as well right, don't want to leave anyone out). He tried to make amends, but no one in his family, except for one of his sons would speak to him. He died and his daughter and other son never spoke with him again. He never was violent with anyone again, he stated, but it was too late for him. ACTIONS, going to meetings, going to a counselor, doing things different, trying to be better, those are the things I would look for. Be careful. Mary Beef
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:51 AM
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I remember when I kicked my ex to the curb, he tried to convince me he changed while living 5 hours apart. I knew he had not. His action shows it when he was out all night, staying at other peoples homes, not hearing from him for days, and ending up in jail.... Now he is with some chick 20 years his junior and was told she turned him around. I don't know if that is true based on what he did the last time I seen him and spoke to him. Who knows maybe he has changed but something tells me he has not...

Take heart what others are telling you.... Becareful if he is doing it for the show and not mean it.... action speaks louder than words.
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Old 05-02-2012, 02:30 PM
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With out doubt, everybody can change. But be careful and don't let it happen al to quickly, old cycles can flare up.
I am not a lisenced professional, but just some things for you to look into.
Co-Occurring Disorders. His problem may be a mood disorder and alcohol abuse, or a substance induced mental disorder. The way to help him would be Rational Therapy a.k.a Behavior Therapy. It has many names but the isea of changing ones behavior through cognitive positive changes is all the same.
Just be knowledgable and careful and I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 05-02-2012, 04:43 PM
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Be very careful - most of the people telling you that change is possible are talking about men who are still in prison and talking (possibly even doing) a good game. They haven't been tried in the free world yet. They are speaking of hope and wishes, not yet of reality.
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Old 05-02-2012, 05:13 PM
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Sure, people can change...just be sure it's not changing for the worse.

He's in jail. It's (to his mind) YOUR fault because it was what he did to YOU that got him arrested. Yup, all the sorry in the world because he WANTS normal, wants "the dream family" will be said. But with a record, especially for a violent offence, getting a job will be hard, and if he does get one, it will be hard manual work, and just one time out with 'the guys' after work for a beer and..what ?

What kind of influence do you want in your baby's life ? What do you want your baby to look up to ?
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Old 05-02-2012, 06:34 PM
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While this discussion has value in its own right, I think it's worth noting that the poster is not at PTO anymore so she's probably not going to see the advice.
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Old 05-03-2012, 06:50 AM
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While this discussion has value in its own right, I think it's worth noting that the poster is not at PTO anymore so she's probably not going to see the advice.
Wow! That was really short! Makes me wonder if she didn't like our responses...
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:06 AM
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I read alot of encouraging posts on here for you saying that he will change and give him a chance and so on and so forth. Someone very wise on here once said to me a few years ago, yes change is possible but not probable with me. i didnt listen, and I continued to listen to the love stories and the I love you so much. Ill never hurt you again. Im a different man, ive learned my lesson. I have learned how to control my anger, etc etc. let me tell you from experience,,,,,
I sent my ex husband to prison for three years.... he beat me, stabbed me, broke my ribs, cracked my tailbone, humiliated me, isolated me, etc etc, I stood by his side, i wrote daily, I drove every saturday, (every saturday) 6 hours to visit him for 2 hours. I was faithful, i was loyal, I was the perfect wife..... i borrowed money to go to huntsville to pick him up, i saw him, he swore he was different.. I trusted him, i needed to trust him, he was the love of my life,,,,, after about 3 weeks, the first slap came... instantly he was sorry, he lost his head,,,,, then the hair pulling, and then the out right punching,,,,, he 7 months after he was released fro TDC i called the police again,i couldnt take it anymore, he was going to kill me. that was when i finally woke up.
For those ladies that say thier husbands have changed... are you home with him, have you lived with him, or are they still in prison and they seem different? I am not trying rain on anyones parade, but the truth is if he tastes blood it is hard for him to stop. I finally wised up and as much as I loved him, i refused to allow him to hurt me one more time. The abuse got worse after his release. he forced his way by gunpoint into my home and he sexually assaulted me..... this was a man that vowed to love me forever.... a man whos eyes can be so gentle...
I would never tell you to leave, as i know being a survivor of DM the more someone tells you to leave the harder you cling. the more someone bad mouths him, the more you defend, make excuses for him. I know, ive done that all.....
Your worth is far greater than the risk you take waiting around for him. I wasted three years waiting on a man that came out worse than he went in.... 3 years is a long time to lose. Life is short! please be careful and look deep into your soul for the answers... if you get the slightest flutter that something isnt right ,, trust that!!!!
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Old 05-06-2012, 09:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bets chick View Post
Yes I know... Im going to give him time to change and show me he has. I don't want him to get out of jail and move right back in. he needs to prove he wants this family. He needs to get the help he needs. I know this man loved me... Cause he does everything he can for me. But I agree he does need help.
Most abusers do love their spouses, in a sick, twisted sort of way. Not trying to be negative, but it is what it is....he and you both need help.

Good luck!

P.S. I see it says account closed under this posters name, does that mean they will not see this?

Peace~
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Old 07-04-2012, 06:52 AM
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My boyfriend is in jail too for DV against me. He says he has changed and will take all his classes and stop drinking/drugging, too. I think if he can keep his word about this, he would not hit me again.
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