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  #1  
Old 05-22-2012, 10:52 AM
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Default May be this time will be the last time...

I heard some people over the weekend talk about domestic abuse. Basically they were being very harsh towards the women who put up with the violence. For example, "they are stupid for thinking that their husband loves them", "they don't love themselves", "they are afraid to be alone" "they don't think about themselves"

Although some of it can be true, if not all, I don't think that talking to a victim that way is helpful at all.

I approached some of them and explained that the reason why many women stay in the relationship, at least in my case, is the "hope that he will change", the hope that this is going be the last time, the hope that this time he really is sorry and will not do it again, the hope that after today everything is going to be fine. The good times after the abusive episodes always makes the victim into thinking that the abuse has finally ended.

It takes a really long time and help to understand that "he will not change". That our love is not enough for them to change, that it is not in our power to make them change.
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  #2  
Old 05-22-2012, 12:00 PM
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wauw those "some people" that stated their opinion must have been in a abusive relationship themselves that they have the guts to judge so easily and have such harsh opinions.
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Jootje View Post
wauw those "some people" that stated their opinion must have been in a abusive relationship themselves that they have the guts to judge so easily and have such harsh opinions.
They probably have been there before and wear the scars to prove it. I understand the wanting to stay hoping they will change but the stakes are high on that one and that staying one more time could be the last time because they are now six feet under. i wish I had someone talk to me like that many years ago
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:13 PM
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I've been abused in every way by a man. I left. Never looked back. I was raised you stick it out no matter what. As soon as I realized I had rights...poof I left. It wasn't easy, but I did it.
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Old 05-22-2012, 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted by usednabused View Post
I heard some people over the weekend talk about domestic abuse. Basically they were being very harsh towards the women who put up with the violence. For example, "they are stupid for thinking that their husband loves them", "they don't love themselves", "they are afraid to be alone" "they don't think about themselves"


Although some of it can be true, if not all, I don't think that talking to a victim that way is helpful at all.

I approached some of them and explained that the reason why many women stay in the relationship, at least in my case, is the "hope that he will change", the hope that this is going be the last time, the hope that this time he really is sorry and will not do it again, the hope that after today everything is going to be fine. The good times after the abusive episodes always makes the victim into thinking that the abuse has finally ended.


It takes a really long time and help to understand that "he will not change". That our love is not enough for them to change, that it is not in our power to make them change.
Sometimes when people voice their opinion on DV, the mean well and a lot of the time, what they are saying IS true.

I myself had NO self-esteem, or self-worth, so I stayed. Those people are correct in saying that most women stay because "they are afraid to be alone", or "they don't love themselves". Abusers say all the right things and make woman feel as though they cannot live without them, and they will NOT do it again....but they will and do 99.9% of the time.

Hun, if a woman loves herself, she would not allow abuse in the first place. I did not love myself and was not confident in who I was, therefore I allowed the abuse. If I had been confident in who I was, I would have kicked his ass to the curb after the first time, but it was not until I recieved adequate counseling that I learned who I was and that I deserved to be treated with love and respect.

It takes time, but it can happen and hopefully women will get out, before it is too late.

Peace~
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Old 05-23-2012, 11:53 PM
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You are so very right... it is that hope that things will actually be different. The good times inbetween the bad times... sigh.. My friend wrote me yesterday and was all, "I can't believe you stayed after he tried to hit you!" and i was like, "i didn't.. i just moved out. you judging me is not what i need right now."
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Old 05-24-2012, 09:52 AM
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I think its very easy for people to say, WHY would you stay with him?
How could you??
etc.

I think its a very complicated mess of reasons that people will stay in an abusive relationship.
You think they will change
You begin to believe them when they say they wont do it again, that its your fault they struck you, that if YOU would only not anger him it wont happen again, that you need him for housing, food, etc....
Your afraid of being alone forever, and that he's right and no one will ever love you.
The children love him and need a father.....

All false of course.
(except for possibly the last one......)
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Old 05-24-2012, 10:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I think its very easy for people to say, WHY would you stay with him?
How could you??
etc.

I think its a very complicated mess of reasons that people will stay in an abusive relationship.
You think they will change
You begin to believe them when they say they wont do it again, that its your fault they struck you, that if YOU would only not anger him it wont happen again, that you need him for housing, food, etc....
Your afraid of being alone forever, and that he's right and no one will ever love you.
The children love him and need a father.....

All false of course.
(except for possibly the last one......)
Sidewalker,

People asked the wrong question when they asked, "Why don't you leave?" The right question is, "What is preventing you from leaving?" The brainwashing that these abusers do is phenomenal. There could be any number of reasons preventing her from leaving.

Michele
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  #9  
Old 05-24-2012, 12:19 PM
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Sidewalker,

People asked the wrong question when they asked, "Why don't you leave?" The right question is, "What is preventing you from leaving?" The brainwashing that these abusers do is phenomenal. There could be any number of reasons preventing her from leaving.

Michele
that's true too. I volunteered some in the area. I've been there. These males can be charming. If I see a guy that's OVER charming suave etc my alerts go up! cause the flip side of that charm is often evil
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Old 06-08-2012, 11:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usednabused
I heard some people over the weekend talk about domestic abuse. Basically they were being very harsh towards the women who put up with the violence. For example, "they are stupid for thinking that their husband loves them", "they don't love themselves", "they are afraid to be alone" "they don't think about themselves"

Although some of it can be true, if not all, I don't think that talking to a victim that way is helpful at all.

I approached some of them and explained that the reason why many women stay in the relationship, at least in my case, is the "hope that he will change", the hope that this is going be the last time, the hope that this time he really is sorry and will not do it again, the hope that after today everything is going to be fine. The good times after the abusive episodes always makes the victim into thinking that the abuse has finally ended.

It takes a really long time and help to understand that "he will not change". That our love is not enough for them to change, that it is not in our power to make them change.
Alot of people think that way about women that stay in abusive relationships & I agree that we want so desperatly to believe in these men! I just got out of a 3 year abusive relationship & it wasnt easy & I still have tuff days & days that I miss him but I know I cant fix him. The people with that opionion have obviously have never been there & they need more education on DV themselves! !

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Old 07-04-2012, 06:37 AM
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I agree, until you've walked in an abused woman's shoes you shouldn't speak on it. I never thought I would be with a man that abused me...I never had before and I did have self esteem I just didn't think it was that big of a deal because I grew up an abusive home. I am just hoping now that he can change. He says he has...
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Old 07-04-2012, 05:23 PM
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What basis does he have to say he has changed? You were abused, and you're attracted to the familiar - an abuser your own age. You haven't done the counseling and therapy that can teach you the difference between the incredible longing to repair our own pasts and actual real honest non-painful love. Until you do that work, and it takes a year or two to get through it, you will choose to believe the abuser, no matter who it is. You will make the same mistaken choice each time until YOU break the cycle.
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