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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 02-11-2019, 01:48 AM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Default Gut instinct -something isn't right

As ive gotten older, and especially regarding him, I've learned to trust my gut when I feel something is off, and each and every time, it's been correct. Right now it's nothing short of screaming at me that some angle of this is WAY off. Almost as if something has been missed or handled improperly, he's sick or hurt, or someone or something is deliberately trying to manipulate the situation to their advantage. Who or why I'm not quite sure, and tried telling myself just forget it's anxiety , everything is fine but the feelings just not subsiding.

Has anyone else experienced an almost psychic bond with someone before? If not I'm sure you think I'm insane. Weve been like that from the beginning though.
Ive been feeling him in hiding per say, totally normal given the circumstances. He's doing what he has to do to make it through. Totally normal, until now.


What can I do? I still don't think we should be communicating just yet. However, if something is wrong or he's in danger, all bets are off and I'll turn this world upside down to make sure I correct that, behind bars or not.

All I can think of is if I wake up tomorrow and still feel it ,try calling and see if he has a co or someone I can confirm with that at least he's still there and alive.

I'm not looking for validation or opinions about the psychic bond thing, again I don't expect everyone to understand. I only mention it due to the fact it's never steered me wrong.

What would you do?
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Old 02-11-2019, 02:02 AM
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He will, undoubtably, be in danger or bad situations many times over until he gets his head right. That’s just a fact of his life.

And a fact of your life is if you’re apart for your mental well-being, you cannot be his savior.

Realistically speaking, you can’t do anything for him anyway. You can’t give him a heads up about anything because you have no concrete knowledge. You can’t stop prison from being prison. You can’t run to his side if he’s hurt.

Hopefully you’re just anxious and it passes soon. I do hope he’s okay, because I know being apart doesn’t mean you don’t care.
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Old 02-11-2019, 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by WeepingWillow View Post
He will, undoubtably, be in danger or bad situations many times over until he gets his head right. Thatís just a fact of his life.

And a fact of your life is if youíre apart for your mental well-being, you cannot be his savior.

Realistically speaking, you canít do anything for him anyway. You canít give him a heads up about anything because you have no concrete knowledge. You canít stop prison from being prison. You canít run to his side if heís hurt.

Hopefully youíre just anxious and it passes soon. I do hope heís okay, because I know being apart doesnít mean you donít care.

You are so right about every part of that.
Of course something's wrong, he's in prison.

At the end of the day, I have to believe a higher power is in control and knows what he's doing
He has to learn these lessons the tough way if they're ever to stick. No one can give him the easy way out this time.
Why?
Because nothing changes if nothing changes.

I cannot be his savior, I tried that almost to the expense of myself. Sometimes I look at the details of his arrest and part of me knows he knew I jumped on the sinking ship with him, and he was too far gone to throw me back to shore. Removing himself was the only way he could keep me safe. Gives me the chills

So I guess I'll just leave it alone. You're right in saying there's nothing I can realistically do. Hearing others words definitely helps.
Thank you so much
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Old 02-11-2019, 03:50 AM
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If it helps ease your mind, I figured out I think on the inmate locator active = alive lol. And if his classification stays the same (3/3, 3/4 ect) then he’s still kicking it on his yard. It’s updated daily so it’s always accurate.
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Old 02-11-2019, 04:01 AM
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If it helps ease your mind, I figured out I think on the inmate locator active = alive lol. And if his classification stays the same (3/3, 3/4 ect) then heís still kicking it on his yard. Itís updated daily so itís always accurate.

Haha! Oh I actually laughed harder at that than I probably should have... You are correct
Thanks for the reminder
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Old 02-11-2019, 08:32 AM
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part of me knows he knew I jumped on the sinking ship with him, and he was too far gone to throw me back to shore. Removing himself was the only way he could keep me safe. Gives me the chills
Take it easy on white-knighting him. This is YOUR fantasy. Addicts donít think like that.
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Old 02-11-2019, 01:31 PM
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You know, I used to have that view.


At this point, if Dee's doing that, she can go f--- herself. (No, really. She can. No, really. And no, it's not harsh. No more harsh than it was for her to expect me to clean up all her messes and if I didn't then I could go f--- myself anyway.)


At some point you have to be able to let them get themselves out of trouble. Your gut may be right. And it used to be when my gut said what your gut said, I was off to save the day and do damage. God forbid anyone hurt my Dee.


What did she learn by me doing that? That literally any time she had a hard patch in life, I would save her. And that continued for years.


At some point you just have to let them figure that crap out for themselves. Regardless of consequence. Do you want to find yourself in a bad spot because he made stupid decisions and you in turn put yourself in a stupid situation to "make it right"?


Just........I might be projecting a little here, but no. Please. Don't do that.


-Eric
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Old 02-11-2019, 03:07 PM
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You know, I used to have that view.


At this point, if Dee's doing that, she can go f--- herself. (No, really. She can. No, really. And no, it's not harsh. No more harsh than it was for her to expect me to clean up all her messes and if I didn't then I could go f--- myself anyway.)


At some point you have to be able to let them get themselves out of trouble. Your gut may be right. And it used to be when my gut said what your gut said, I was off to save the day and do damage. God forbid anyone hurt my Dee.


What did she learn by me doing that? That literally any time she had a hard patch in life, I would save her. And that continued for years.


At some point you just have to let them figure that crap out for themselves. Regardless of consequence. Do you want to find yourself in a bad spot because he made stupid decisions and you in turn put yourself in a stupid situation to "make it right"?


Just........I might be projecting a little here, but no. Please. Don't do that.


-Eric
Projecting or not, you are 100% correct. Protecting/saving an addict is enabling an addict. They need to deal with the consequences of their actions. Itís a very hard line to walk when you love someone so deeply. But all this does is keep them deep in their addiction, they need to be responsible and accountable for the situations they put themselves in, recovery will never be possible otherwise. As the widow of an addict, my heart goes out to anyone and their loved ones dealing with this disease. It is truly heartbreaking.
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Old 02-11-2019, 04:52 PM
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Damnit you guys..I have gotten SO much better over the last couple years , how did it not smack me right in the face that was enabling? Clear as day soon as you said it
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Old 02-11-2019, 06:23 PM
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Damnit you guys..I have gotten SO much better over the last couple years , how did it not smack me right in the face that was enabling? Clear as day soon as you said it
Donít beat yourself up. Itís human nature to want to protect your loved ones, only with an addict it keeps them sick. This is why itís such a hard line to walk because it can be almost impossible to determine at what point does caring become enabling. I just found this online, looks like a neat service. A support group for parents, family and partners with addicted loved ones. There is a tonne of meetings in Arizona. Canít hurt right?

https://palgroup.org/find-a-meeting/...-pal-meetings/
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Marseille View Post
Take it easy on white-knighting him. This is YOUR fantasy. Addicts donít think like that.
Interesting... Never thought of it that way
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:11 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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[quote=KiwiPP;7764128]Donít beat yourself up. Itís human nature to want to protect your loved ones, only with an addict it keeps them sick. This is why itís such a hard line to walk because it can be almost impossible to determine at what point does caring become enabling. I just found this online, looks like a neat service. A support group for parents, family and partners with addicted loved ones. There is a tonne of meetings in Arizona. Canít hurt right?

Yeah it's definitely so backwards , especially with the way im just naturally the mothering type. Probably a huge reason he was drawn to me in the first place lol

Thank you for the link!!
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:29 PM
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Projecting or not, you are 100% correct. Protecting/saving an addict is enabling an addict. They need to deal with the consequences of their actions. Itís a very hard line to walk when you love someone so deeply. But all this does is keep them deep in their addiction, they need to be responsible and accountable for the situations they put themselves in, recovery will never be possible otherwise. As the widow of an addict, my heart goes out to anyone and their loved ones dealing with this disease. It is truly heartbreaking.

I'm sorry to hear that. Heartbreaking. I absolutely admire your courage to be here, and even more so to be helping others every chance you get. Thank you for being here.
I tell you what, this has definitely been something that has tested me to the absolute ends of my wits, pulled them apart , stretched them around the room a few more times and then laughed while kicking the deadbolted door shut behind them
Never in my life thought I'd have gotten into this type of a situation. Life...you just never know
I'm grateful for places like this!
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Old 02-11-2019, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
You know, I used to have that view.


At this point, if Dee's doing that, she can go f--- herself. (No, really. She can. No, really. And no, it's not harsh. No more harsh than it was for her to expect me to clean up all her messes and if I didn't then I could go f--- myself anyway.)

At some point you have to be able to let them get themselves out of trouble. Your gut may be right. And it used to be when my gut said what your gut said, I was off to save the day and do damage. God forbid anyone hurt my Dee.


What did she learn by me doing that? That literally any time she had a hard patch in life, I would save her. And that continued for years.


At some point you just have to let them figure that crap out for themselves. Regardless of consequence. Do you want to find yourself in a bad spot because he made stupid decisions and you in turn put yourself in a stupid situation to "make it right"?


Just........I might be projecting a little here, but no. Please. Don't do that.


-Eric
Oh I agree whole heartedly. It sounded sickeningly comforting in certain moments, but if that's reality, I'm with you, fuck him. Fuck him.
I think, at least for me, I tend to look for ways in which to prove to myself that he really did/does love me, because the alternative... Not something I'm willing to face right now
I actually backed off and have done just that, somehow I was able to finally admit the pattern to myself and realized I had to try and change it. Wasn't long at all before ending up here in prison talk chatroom, with my head spinning around the room, looking at a mugshot of someone I used to share my life with whos dead lifeless eyes are almost completely unrecognizable. Luckily my thoughts last night never made it past the key board.
This doesn't get easier does it? You just learn to live with it
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Old 02-12-2019, 12:39 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that. Heartbreaking. I absolutely admire your courage to be here, and even more so to be helping others every chance you get. Thank you for being here.
I tell you what, this has definitely been something that has tested me to the absolute ends of my wits, pulled them apart , stretched them around the room a few more times and then laughed while kicking the deadbolted door shut behind them
Never in my life thought I'd have gotten into this type of a situation. Life...you just never know
I'm grateful for places like this!
Itís ok! He was very sick and it was his time to go. Now I have a bad ass guardian angel my life has certainly been.... interesting lol. I feel as though I have lived a thousand lives already. Through all the trials and tribulations though many many lessons have been learned. One of my favourite quotes ďGaining knowledge is the first step to wisdom. Sharing knowledge is the first step to humanity.Ē

PTO is definitely an amazing resource, it has been unbelievably helpful for me too navigating the crazy US prison system. Iím just happy to contribute and give back every now and then!
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Old 02-15-2019, 06:11 AM
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Damnit you guys..I have gotten SO much better over the last couple years , how did it not smack me right in the face that was enabling? Clear as day soon as you said it
I have my weak moments too xo
And yes Iíve felt the psychic bond with people before.

Missing deeís post is exactly right.

Stay strong
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