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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

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  #1  
Old 06-01-2018, 07:50 PM
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Default MWI's Penpals who don’t know you exist.

My sig other is serving LWOP. We have been “together” five years. I have never had a problem with him having outside friendships with other women. But for the first time since we met (on a penpal site), he has a number of new “friends” who responded from overseas. They are women and they converse regularly because he now has a tablet, which wasn’t a thing when we first met.
So he apparently has not told any of them that I even exist.
What would you say or do?
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Old 06-01-2018, 07:54 PM
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I’ll also add that I don’t support him financially, so that’s not part of the mix.
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Old 06-01-2018, 08:23 PM
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Did you find out because he told you they donít know about you or somehow else?
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Old 06-01-2018, 08:56 PM
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I don’t think the fact you don’t support him really has any bearing here. I assume you are in a relationship with him. If it were me and i found that out, after the fact, I would feel angry and think he was hiding something. If there was nothing going on or it was just for friendship there is no reason not to tell you. There are several reasons I can think of why he hasn’t told them about you and none of them are good. I’m sure you know what those are.
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Old 06-01-2018, 09:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
Did you find out because he told you they donít know about you or somehow else?

Ugh too late to edit.


To me, if he told you they donít know about you himself, thatís a bit less suspect than you finding out through someone else.

But either way, it seems fishy. Maybe youíre not financially supporting him, but he wants them to, so thatís why he hasnít mentioned you.

Iíd just ask him.
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Old 06-01-2018, 10:29 PM
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I don’t know what I would do outside of being extremely upset and possibly losing my shit, honestly.

There’s no way he could be corresponding with multiple women and it be coincidence that they don’t know about you. There’s a whole “getting to know you” period where of course you’re going to talk about relationships, current and past. And quite frankly, when you’re in love and intertwined with someone they just tend to come up naturally in conversation.

So omitting your existence to other women is bound to be intentional. The question is..:why? I can’t think of any noble reasons off the top of my head.
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Old 06-01-2018, 10:37 PM
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So he does still have a pen-pal ad online? That would be my first clue to be honest. Given everyone the opportunity to write to him and yes, I'd be hurt if he has not told the others about you... doesn't seem right.
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Old 06-02-2018, 03:01 AM
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I know you can't straight up compare a prison relationship to a free world relationship, not always anyway - but with certain elements I would demand similar communication; in my opinion it would be just natural to let any person that becomes your friend be aware that you are in a relationship.

it would be completely upsetting to me if my boyfriend did not mention it to his friends out here (in a free world relationship) that he has a significant other, and I would feel equally upset if he kept it from his pen pals while incarcerated....to me it would raise a question "Why not?" - and logically thinking -to me- it would have to mean he doesn't want them to know, he wants to appear single, available...maybe in a prison setting also having that option open for these friends to support him financially? (just saying this b/c I think pen pals might not opt to send money to him if they knew he's in a relationship, assuming his loved one is supporting him) (not that it's always the norm, mind you )

You asked what others would say or do in this situation... I think this would be so upsetting to me and would make me feel like he wants to appear single; after all that we've been through, I think I'd be out and let him be single.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation
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Old 06-02-2018, 04:47 AM
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I can't see any reason why he would want people to believe he is single when he isnt other than for purposes of deception. It would appear he wants prospective penpals to believe he is single so perhaps they think he has no one and are more willing to provide financial support or flirtatious emails.

He could still have a penpal ad if he had in a relationship as his status.

When my bloke and I got together I had no problem with him keeping his penpal ad it was due to expire anyway and I knew he had other penpal friends.

A week after we got together his ad was renewed for a further 12 months and it stated single. I was kind of hurt and I asked him why and he was mortified he contacted the website and got it taken down. It turns out the renewal was a gift from his grandma.
He took it down and he wont put it back up. I wouldnt mind if he did but it needs to state in a relationship.

In a relationship there should be nothing to hide , all friends and family know about him and I expect the same openness from him.

I would tell him how you feel and ask why he doing that and ask him to change his ad status and be honest with his new friends.
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Old 06-02-2018, 10:57 AM
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How do you know this is true?
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Old 06-02-2018, 12:24 PM
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It’s totally not him having penpals or an ad that upsets me. It’s the lack of respect he showed when I asked about it. Rather than just answer my question (after he knew I wondered but did not offer up an answer), he turned it into being somehow about me having insecurities. Completely deflecting. Then asking if I bring him up in every conversation with someone I meet. I said I hope you’ll be as understanding if I make male friends who fill needs in my life —because I understand I can’t be his only everything in life. He turned that around too, saying if he’s not meeting my needs I am free to bail on him. When I wasn’t talking about leaving... so basically it’s a huge double standard that he even has these friendships and I think it’s so disrespectful that he hasn’t told them we are in a relationship and then on top of that the mind- fuck of making it somehow my fault I’m not okay with it. I’m really hurt and angry. And when I stand up for myself, he pulls the “you’re not living here in a box” speech.
I just wanted some perspective. I’m not asking too much. I know I’m not. Thank you all!
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Old 06-02-2018, 05:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
Did you find out because he told you they donít know about you or somehow else?
He didnít come out and tell me. Over the course of two conversations I finally just said ok Iíve hinted at this and you havenít answered so Iím just going to ask you point blank. Then he still wouldnít say it. He said ďare you telling me I come up immediately in every conversation you haveĒ... which is straight up hyperbolic deflection.
I donít know if Iíve just been giving him way too much slack in the past for the fact that heís spent his whole life in prison or if this is just the first time heís been this downright nasty and so obviously trying to get away with being less than transparent but itís enough for me to have lost enough respect for him that I donít think this can be salvaged. He sincerely has himself believing that because heís gotten a difficult hand dealt to him in life he can just be selfish and then turn things around so I feel guilty for having a good upbringing. Iím about to go on vacation and he writes ďhave fun on vacation. Must be nice. Might want to leave the bag of doubts and negativity back homeĒ.
I feel like I donít even know this person.
Maybe now that heís got other women tuning in to the beginning of his sad story he doesnít need to hide his true colors with me anymore.
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Old 06-02-2018, 08:39 PM
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Sounds like he’s serving up a whole lot of “feel sorry for me” to deflect from what’s he’s doing. I know being in a relationship with someone that had LWOP comes with its own challenges so I really don’t have any advice. Respect is respect though and he’s not giving that to you. I have no idea what I’d do in that situation. You do have a right to honesty though, life or not.
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Last edited by AndyS; 06-02-2018 at 08:42 PM..
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Old 06-02-2018, 11:53 PM
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He's trying to make you feel guilty or something like that for him being there. Major sob-story and totally disrespectful to you.
I'd be hurt and angry as well and to be honest I think I'd be inclined to end this because he obviously is only thinking about himself and shames you into accepting his crap. Stand up for yourself and don't take his shit.
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Old 06-03-2018, 05:17 AM
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I have to chime in because really life is to short to cater to someone who is not worth the emotional investment you have made in them. He doesn't get a free pass because he screwed up his life, your not responsible for his character defects!!! I get having other friends but really I had a ton of friends and all knew about my husband, and same for him. The dishonesty makes me think that he's gaming others and because your not supporting him he's making it out like it's so how your fault. Good luck with this I know I couldn't stay with someone like this.
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Old 06-12-2018, 06:43 PM
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Soooo. He broke up with me after five years “together”. A few days after only polite exchanges. I’m glad he did it because I wasn’t going to let this slide and now I don’t have to be told I should feel guilty for “bailing”.
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Old 06-12-2018, 10:35 PM
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Oh man.... I'm sorry!! Really now... Damn...
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Old 06-13-2018, 12:58 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. However i dont blame you for not accepting this disrespect.
You will be ok , take time to heal and then move on to someone who will respect and love you for the amazing woman you are.
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Old 06-13-2018, 02:40 AM
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I am very sorry that it had to come to this, Dakini. I have no doubt though that you will be just fine...wishing you best of luck and hey, definitely his loss!
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Old 06-13-2018, 05:47 AM
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Thank you for the encouraging words. I have to say I’m mostly just relieved. This whole situation just showed me some undeniable truths about him and I’m glad it is over.
I’m sure the normal grieving process will kick in but for now I’m just relieved and still dumbfounded that he could be just soooooo many things I didn’t want to believe he was. Again thank you for taking a moment to say those kind words. ❤️
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Old 06-13-2018, 05:49 AM
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I'm so sorry
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Old 06-13-2018, 07:10 AM
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Take care of yourself now and allow yourself to go through the process. In the end you will be better off, I wish you the best!
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Old 06-14-2018, 12:27 AM
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Iím so sorry Dakini. I guess your gut knew something was very wrong, but there are some things we wish we could be wrong about.

Cliche, I know, but his loss.
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Old 06-14-2018, 07:20 AM
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Iím so sorry Dakini. I guess your gut knew something was very wrong, but there are some things we wish we could be wrong about.

Cliche, I know, but his loss.
Oh damn straight his loss. Yes you are so right about my gut. All the little ďhmmmmĒ moments add up eventually.
Iím giving myself some space by blocking GTL and deleting Jpay because I want to let myself process this but honestly I feel like this is not going to be a big sad deal. I have learned SO much from him in the past five years and that canít be undone...but seasons change and I do believe this relationship was for a season and no longer served me. He did me a favor by being the one to call it quits and Iím actually grateful for that. But that doesnít undo to way he treated me right before the end and for that reason, Iím not allowing any contact until I am firmly over it all. That way if he panics or plan B didnít pan out, I wonít be lulled back in by nostalgia or guilt.
See... I got this! 😁
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